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Jewish Orthodox Mum Part II AMA

1000 replies

mirah2 · 27/04/2023 17:10

I'm probably letting myself in for it, but here goes...

New AMA to mop up any questions that didn't get answered on the first (full) thread. If you're sure (after reading all of that thread) that your question wasn't answered, or have a new question, please post.

I probably won't have time to reply until after dinner and kids' bedtime.

I am NOT the OP of the original thread. My frame of reference - Modern Orthodox, British (living in UK), convert, mixed race heritage.

Fellow Orthodox Jews of Mumsnet - feel free to crowd share answers, but please remember:

  • this is not the shul kiddush. This is a public internet forum anyone can read
  • please be sensitive and think about how others (Jewish and not Jewish) might interpret what you say. We sometimes have different working definitions of words within our bubbles so be mindful of that.

Go forth and post!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
JeweyJew · 28/04/2023 01:47

Babyboomtastic · 28/04/2023 01:05

Coming back to the question of mikvah. If people are required to go for mikvah at the end of nida, and men every time they ejaculate, doesn't that mean:

a) having a sex life is pretty expensive. Google suggestsb in the UK a mikvah costs approx £10. If you have sex 3 times a week for 2 weeks of the month plus the female cleansing, that works out at about £300 a month. Do poorer couples just not have sex any more?

b) I'm guessing that orthodox Jews have to be located geographically close to their mikvah, so would be limited in which cities they could live etc? And the same for going on holiday, unless you are abstinent when away?

c) when googling the cost, I noticed that some mikvah's you have to book 48 hours in advance. What I can see how that works for nida, it seems quite logistically difficult post sex.

Thanks :-)

Men's mikvas are a different experience than women's. They're more like communal bathhouses, usually built into the synagogue building. There's a monthly charge of around £20-£30, or single time use of £2-£3.

In holiday there are various solutions, from abstinence, to building temporary mikvas to dipping in the sea. Some might do without for that period, as men's mikvah is more of a custom than halacha.

Men go to mikvah to purify themselves before praying and learning the next day, but there aren't any serious ramifications to not going. Whereas without the post-niddah dip a woman remains forbidden to her husband, with extremely serious spiritual ramifications if they transgress.

dancinggoosey · 28/04/2023 01:48

@JeweyJew Personally I find it fascinating you are on MN at all - I wouldn't previously have considered it a site which would interest an ultra orthodox Jewish male. It seems you not new to MN either as you referenced the TW threads earlier.

SittingNextToIt · 28/04/2023 04:49

Thanks to those answering questions.

  1. The orthodox Jewish women answering - would you describe yourselves to be feminists? Why/why not?
  2. The orthodox Jewish men (man?) answering - would you say you a feminist ally? Why/why not?
  3. Those of you with sons, how would you react if they said to you in their late teens that they fancy boys, and are not attracted to girls?
  4. Those of you with daughters, what might you say to a daughter who says she wishes to go the same swim lessons as other children, in the local council run pool, or that she does not wish to be in a relationship where her partner cannot hug her if she’s upset during her period, or that she does not wish to wipe her insides with cloth, or indeed as above - that she is not attracted to men, and would rather be with a woman?
HamptonCaught · 28/04/2023 05:27

What jobs/careers do you and your husband have?

RosaleeMarie · 28/04/2023 06:48

For those communities that still use a matchmaker or an Orthodox matchmaking service can you describe it? When are young adults considered marriageable? Are there certain criteria that means they are ready for marriage? How are the meetings arranged? How much information to you receive on the person you are meeting? Are your parents involved in the choice? What would an Orthodox young woman want in a husband? What would rule him out? Are converts or the children of converts considered marriageable? Is lineage and coming from a family that can trace its Jewish roots a long way back more desirable?
What are the traits and elements of a highly eligible batchelor?

Plus anything else you think is interesting or unique to your community regarding matches?

DingsBum · 28/04/2023 07:05

This thread and it's precursor have been fascinating.

My father is Jewish by birth though very much an atheist now - his parents were observant but definitely not orthodox, and their parents came here from Poland in the early 1900s. He and my very much not Jewish mother had a brief fling at university that resulted in me.

His parents accepted me instantly as their first grandchild and were the most fantastic grandparents to me, they did everything to include me and make me feel part of their family. I spent time in Israel with them as a child getting to know the family members who live there, and would spend time them for many religious festivals throughout my childhood.

However not all of the family agreed. One of my dad's brothers basically refuses to acknowledge my existence. At my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary party (I was 18) a significant number of the more distant relatives refused to speak to me and I remember lots of them wouldn't pour from a wine bottle that I'd touched. I heard many years later that some had actually spoken to my grandparents ahead of the party and said I shouldn't be invited. I'm glad I didn't hear this as an 18 year old as it would have devastated me.

I see my Jewish heritage as really important to me now even though I understand that I'm not really considered Jewish, and have made efforts to share what I can with my own DC. Some of my dad's family (mainly one of his brothers and a couple of my cousins) have invited us to join some festivals at their house over the years and I always take my children along when invited as I think it's important.

I suppose my main question is, how would any of the orthodox Jews on this thread react to me if I was a member of their family? Would you accept me as a grandchild/neice?

brogueish · 28/04/2023 07:23

Thank you again to all the interesting and considered responses. Much appreciated.

@mirah2 @jewishorthomum @Ortiguilla @EllaDisenchanted
Given the importance of keeping the sexes separate, I wonder how you feel about an orthodox man actively contributing to this thread. Particularly in the first thread, it was discussed the efforts men will go to to avoid looking at it being in proximity to women that aren’t his wife. As someone who doesn’t understand the nuance, it feels very odd for someone to actively put themself in the centre of a group of women talking. It’d be lovely to hear your views on this - and any other orthodox women on this thread, apologies for not tagging everyone.

mirah2 · 28/04/2023 07:26

LazJaz · 28/04/2023 00:08

My husband’s father was raised reform Jewish, but moved away from the religion as a young man, and consequently DH was raised in a very atheist household. We are VLC with DH DM.

Although other members of his extended family on his fathers side are religious, DH’s only real exposure is at funerals, and his understanding and knowledge of this heritage is low. He is interested in Jewish intellectual history, but no other elements really.

I would like our son to have a greater understanding and not only to associate Judaism with funerals.

I was brought up in a lapsed Christian (but basically atheist) household, 1st generation immigrant to UK from a former colony and feel a bit rootless, so my son having roots of some kind is important to me.

My DH is supportive but in a “happy to go along for the journey” role, no interest in the driving seat.

Any advice for how we can support our son to understand and take an interest in this element of his heritage without inadvertently “appropriating”?

I have signed our son up to JP library as a first step.

How old is your son?

OP posts:
EllaDisenchanted · 28/04/2023 07:34

HamptonCaught · 28/04/2023 05:27

What jobs/careers do you and your husband have?

would be totally outing in the community if I answered! sorry

Tygertiger · 28/04/2023 07:59

Another wig one. Do you keep them all all the time, or remove them at home if it’s just your family? Would you be comfortable with you Dad/adult brother seeing you without, or would it be the same as them seeing you topless (sorry to be crude, just can’t think of the appropriate analogy). And how much effort do you put into your natural hair in terms of cutting/colouring/styling?

HalfasleepChrisintheMorning · 28/04/2023 08:04

This is a wonderful thread, thank you to the women who have shared.
If you are a Dr/ nurse/ midwife and you have to work on the sabbath, would that be ok as it is saving lives?

Mangotime · 28/04/2023 08:08

@LazJaz is your son wanting to actively get involved? If you have a Liberal shul near you, they will welcome you. We normally have a family service once a month where it’s very chill and the Hebrew is quite accessible with transliterations. There’s also the Cheder/Hebrew school which is vibrant and thriving and he’d be made very welcome.

mirah2 · 28/04/2023 08:11

DifficultBloodyWoman · 28/04/2023 00:30

I don’t think I have ever seen an AMA go on to a second thread. This has been very interesting for me as I haven’t had an in depth discussion of Judaism for about 25 years. It has brought back happy memories of working for a Jewish firm in London and learning so much about comparative religion.

As a very light and possibly flippant example: I recall one conversation being summed up by my lovely liberal jewish boss as ‘at the end of the day, Judaism and Catholicism are very similar but as a Catholic, you feel guilty about everything you do and as a Jew, I feel guilty about everything I don’t do’.

Some questions: how do Orthodox Jews feel about the very liberal approaches to Judaism? Are they bordering on heretical or do you metaphorically shrug your shoulders and say each to their own?

How does the Jewish population in the UK breakdown in terms of liberal/modern orthodox/orthodox? I’ve always assumed that liberals are in the majority but on reading this thread, I am questioning that.

@JeweyJew I am curious as to how you found this thread - are you a MN regular or were you directed to this thread?

@mirah2 What is the average age for first marriage in your community? Is it different between men and women?

@jewishorthomum thanks again for a very interesting thread!

Thanks! Glad you like it.

These days, we take a 'live and let live' approach to more liberal streams. In the UK, we do cooperate at the communal level (less so the Charedi/Chassidim - I am speaking from a Modern Orthodox pov). As always, with Jews, there will be arguments.

Marriage age - my social circle mostly did a gap year in Israel at seminary/yeshiva, then uni. The first to get married did so at 21 - some were still at Uni. Others got married in their early to mid 20s - a few later into their 30s. I was latish (at 26) because I had to finish my conversion first.

Population - the JPR does statistics for the whole UK community, check https://www.jpr.org.uk/reports

My rough impression is that the UK is mostly Orthodox or traditional (as in, not fully practicing but if they go to synagogue it will be an Orthodox one). Traditional Jews may come across to you as liberal. The Haredi (Chasidic + Yeshivish/Litvish) sector is a large minority and likely to be a majority in the near future. The actual, fully practicing, Modern Orthodox sector is smallish and a sizable number make aliyah to Israel, which poses demographic challenges.

Liberal Jews are the least insular and more likely to be out and about in society as large, so that will skew people's perceptions. Fully practicing Orthodox Jews will also be concentrated in a few areas (N London and Manchester are the top), so if you live outside these areas you are less likely to meet us IRL.

Reports

https://www.jpr.org.uk/reports

OP posts:
Mangotime · 28/04/2023 08:11

Again @DingsBum , a Liberal shul would consider you Jewish and welcome you and your family if you were interested in it.

EllaDisenchanted · 28/04/2023 08:12

RosaleeMarie · 28/04/2023 06:48

For those communities that still use a matchmaker or an Orthodox matchmaking service can you describe it? When are young adults considered marriageable? Are there certain criteria that means they are ready for marriage? How are the meetings arranged? How much information to you receive on the person you are meeting? Are your parents involved in the choice? What would an Orthodox young woman want in a husband? What would rule him out? Are converts or the children of converts considered marriageable? Is lineage and coming from a family that can trace its Jewish roots a long way back more desirable?
What are the traits and elements of a highly eligible batchelor?

Plus anything else you think is interesting or unique to your community regarding matches?

I can try, but there are multiple systems and ways of doing it. The chassidish system is very different. For me and my siblings, this is roughly how it works:

When are you ready: it depends. In the UK, young adults start to date way younger than in America. From 18, girls will start to look, and from 21 for guy. My American friends often don't start looking until their early 20s.

I was almost 19 when we started 'hearing suggestions'. Typically, people who know the girl or the boy will make a suggestion, if they think they have an idea of a match. This doesn't have to be a professional matchmaker. It is often better if it is not, because the person making the suggestion has knowledge of both the boy and the girl, so are better placed to think of ideas. Basically, it is networking. People will say 'what are you looking for', and you would say the things that are most important for you. Someone who wants to marry a boy who is learning will say they want a boy in learning. Because that has such a massive effect on how they set up and start their lives together for financial and spiritual reasons, this is a very important question. There' no point setting up a date between someone who wants a boy who is working and a girl who wants a guy in learning. They also ask where do you want to live, a lot of couples want to start off their marriage with a year or so learning in Israel, but many don't. Then personality - do they want someone more quiet, or outgoing, what value are important to them. My list was pretty straightforward: I wanted a mentch, who would be working, i.e. good character was the number 1 for me. Not aggressive, considerate, respectful, honest, easy going, flexible, needed to have a sense of humour. That's just me though. My cousin wanted a strong personality, someone driven and a bit fiery (she sound him lol).
I was happy to meet different types of people and see what gelled.

So people made suggestions, and my parents looked into them. That means they called up family and friends of the boy who have been given as references and try to get a feel for what he is like and whether he would be a good fit for me and whether they liked what they heard about him. If there are any major skeletons in the closet, they are likely to come out at this point.
The information is very detailed and you get a lot of it. Resumes are common now, (an American import I think), but I don't think they are particularly useful as they often say very similar thing (think personal statement for uni...)

The boys side meanwhile do the same. If both sides agree to meet, you then do dor yeshorim testing, to see if you are genetically compatible. Doing it before the couple meet means neither get emotionally involved and then find out they are genetically incompatible. I have a parent who is a tay sachs carrier, so I am very very grateful for this, as had I married another carrier, it would have had devastating consequences.
If that is successful, the couple arrange through the shadchan to meet. The shadchan is the matchmaker. This can be the friend or family maker who made the suggestion. They act as the go between at the beginning. It is usually a fairly short first date. My dh and I met and went out for drinks and then ended up chatting. It's supposed to be a relatively short first date, a getting to know you kind of thing. We hit it off like a house on fire and we were out for hours. Our second date was the next day, and we went again for drinks, then a walk and we were out 6 hours (my parents were having kittens because it would have been rude to message on the date so they had no idea how it was going! and 6 hours is very very long for a second date).
Anyway, you feedback to the shadchan after every date.If it is going well, you can switch to arranging dates between you. My husband and I were fairly unusual in that we were both each other's first. When dating, the point is to see several thing; are you attracted to each other (very important), do you like each other/get on (for obvious reason!) and do your goals and values align. Some couples do only a few dates and agree to get engaged, some take much longer. The more orthodox, the shorter the dating period tends to be (UK, I mean, Americans take much much longer).
I went out on 5 dates over a two week period and I was the one to take the lead in getting engaged to my husband (ADHD impulsivity, I liked him and couldn't wait any longer, but that is not usual).

My parents were involved in that they researched my husband, suggestions went to them originally, but I could nix any I didn't like. i also discussed my dates heavily with them (and my girlfriends). I have a lot of trust in their judgment and an excellent relationship with my parents.
It's an arranged date, not an arranged marriage. The choice was entirely mine.
One of my siblings went out with a lot of girls for year before he found his DW.

What would rule a guy out? Depends on the girl, but for me, past girls friends, I was shomer negia which meant I don't touch members of the opposite sex outside my family, so a guy who was more modern and had dated and had experience with girls was out. Any drug use, alcohol addiction or smoking would be an instant no for me. Medical issues are also considered.
Things like how much secular exposure they have or want is considered, e.g. for me I was happy to meet a guy who watched films, but didn't go to the cinema (I can't explain the nuances atm), I listened to non Jewish music so he had to be ok with a girl who did that, what he wears/what I wear. Basically, you are trying to match up people who are at similar levels of religious observance; it would have been a waste of time for me to go out with someone who only wore black hat and white shirt/black trousers all week, and would learn all day and didn't want films in the house, because we would not be on the same page religiously.

Converts have a harder time with shidduchim for sure. More because of social reasons. It takes a strong character to become an Orthodox Jewish convert, and they are often quite a bit older, so it's already harder to find a shidduch when you are older, and they often need someone a bit out of the box. Children of converts I think to a lesser degree, and it depends on what community they are in. My friend is the daughter of a convert, and she and her sister were both married very young, I don't think either had any problem.

Lineage is called yichus, and it is about whether a) you have big Ravs (Rabbi's who are spiritual leaders ) or Rebbes (chassidish spiritual leaders) in your direct ancestry, and also b) whether you come from an unbroken chain of religious orthodox Jews - it varies by community how important it is. To chassidim, it is uber important. In yeshivish circles (another group of chareidi Jew) it can be quite important, but maybe not to the same degree. In some circles yichus is almost like royalty.

Yichus was totally unimportant to me, my inlaws are both baalei teshuva (people who became frum/religious/orthodox when they were older), and are two of the loveliest, kindest, most generous people you will ever meet. I also really respect that they became religious, it is not an easy path.

There are also professional shadchan services, but I will leave that to someone else!

EllaDisenchanted · 28/04/2023 08:19

Tygertiger · 28/04/2023 07:59

Another wig one. Do you keep them all all the time, or remove them at home if it’s just your family? Would you be comfortable with you Dad/adult brother seeing you without, or would it be the same as them seeing you topless (sorry to be crude, just can’t think of the appropriate analogy). And how much effort do you put into your natural hair in terms of cutting/colouring/styling?

depends, sometimes I rip it off the moment I walk in, sometimes if it is comfortable I leave it be. I often uncover my hair at home because i struggle with sensory issues, but if I didn't I would probably leave it be. I often wear a scarf or beanie as well, because it is more comfortable, plus I love styling a scarf.
I have no problems uncovering my hair in front of my Dad and brothers. This is not universal, many women wouldn't. It wouldn't be the same as being topless, because I only started covering my hair when I got married, so it doesn't have the same connotations to me. I would be pretty embarrassed if it came off in public though. (Have had that happen once, was awful).
Natural hair; i go through stages. Cutting I do myself, I know women who go to wigstylists to have their hair cut and coloured (these women are experts, if you make a mistake on a wig there is no going back), I have dyed it before for fun, my very very chareidi sister in law was rocking a bleached undercut under her wig for a while (ok she is not typical at all), my friend does the curly girl method, (i do sometimes too for friday night, then wear a loose pretied bandana, so my hair is nice for me and my husband later that night... ), so it really depends. A lot of the time my hair is shoved in a bun underneath.

mirah2 · 28/04/2023 08:20

Fink · 28/04/2023 00:33

Thank you @jewishorthomum that's very interesting. What would the view be on someone who did have the Torah, e.g. Moses, David ... ? Are all their actions meant to be praised or are they seen as flawed people who got things wrong sometimes? I'm not talking about times when their actions are clearly condemned by the Bible (e.g. G-d condemning Moses after the rebellion at Meribah, condemning the killing of Uriah through Nathan) but when the Bible doesn't comment on their actions, how would a Jewish person see them?

There are different approaches to this within Judaism, but as a general rule - we recognise that Biblical figures such as Moses and David were human and had flaws. They weren't perfect.

On the specifics - when we study the Torah, this is usually with a lot of Biblical commentary from the medieval era onwards that you will not find printed in a non-Jewish bible. The most popular commentator is Rashi, but there are others who disagree (sometimes strongly) with him. Proper Torah study is therefore entering into a conversation going back hundreds of years and learning what others have to say before forming your own interpretation and personal connection to the text.

So if you asked me to comment on a specific Biblical episode, I would have to go read the actual text in Hebrew, study what the commentators have to say, and come to my own view before responding. That takes time!

OP posts:
Fink · 28/04/2023 08:22

With Sabbath coming you may not have time to answer today! But I have questions about Sabbath observance:

Basically, what things that are fun/entertainment are ok on Sabbath and which aren't?

Can you play board games, or does setting up the game count as work?
Can you cook for fun, if it's a hobby (I would guess not, given the very tight rules on meal preparation, but just asking)?
Could you watch TV/listen to music? Would it make a difference if the TV was on a timer or happened to already be on when Sabbath started?

If you happened to be alone for Sabbath or a holy day, what could you do with your time? I guess when you're within the community and family you might not have time for tv or music and such, but if you were alone ...

Are there rules around sexual relations on holy days?

Fink · 28/04/2023 08:27

mirah2 · 28/04/2023 08:20

There are different approaches to this within Judaism, but as a general rule - we recognise that Biblical figures such as Moses and David were human and had flaws. They weren't perfect.

On the specifics - when we study the Torah, this is usually with a lot of Biblical commentary from the medieval era onwards that you will not find printed in a non-Jewish bible. The most popular commentator is Rashi, but there are others who disagree (sometimes strongly) with him. Proper Torah study is therefore entering into a conversation going back hundreds of years and learning what others have to say before forming your own interpretation and personal connection to the text.

So if you asked me to comment on a specific Biblical episode, I would have to go read the actual text in Hebrew, study what the commentators have to say, and come to my own view before responding. That takes time!

Thank you. That's a very thoughtful answer. I understand the approach because I'm studying for a doctorate in theology and focusing on a medieval writer so I spend a lot of my time reading his interpretation of the Bible and then the commentators he was reading and then the scholars who have studied him! I have a lot of sympathy with the Jewish approach, it makes sense to me to see how the passages have been interpreted through history.

EllaDisenchanted · 28/04/2023 08:30

brogueish · 28/04/2023 07:23

Thank you again to all the interesting and considered responses. Much appreciated.

@mirah2 @jewishorthomum @Ortiguilla @EllaDisenchanted
Given the importance of keeping the sexes separate, I wonder how you feel about an orthodox man actively contributing to this thread. Particularly in the first thread, it was discussed the efforts men will go to to avoid looking at it being in proximity to women that aren’t his wife. As someone who doesn’t understand the nuance, it feels very odd for someone to actively put themself in the centre of a group of women talking. It’d be lovely to hear your views on this - and any other orthodox women on this thread, apologies for not tagging everyone.

Mixing sexes also depends a bit on your community. I would have Shabbos meals with families and I will chat and make eye contact with the husbands as well as the wives. However, I would not be secluded with them, I would not meet them one to one without their wives present, I would not whatsapp them to chat, only for a specific purpose, even my best friend's husband. So for example we messaged to organise a surprise birthday thing for her that needed co-ordination to pull off, but my husband was aware and could see the chats and after we didn't chat, despite the fact that in person I would be friendly to him and we get on well. These are my personal boundaries. I would be very uncomfortable if a man started a whatsapp chat with me.

Given all that, however, a man joining in the conversation doesn't bother me religiously, as it is not a social thing, he is anonymous and I'll never meet him, so there is no relationship. If he sent me a dm, I would be very bothered. Providing a view on women's experience - no, that is not ok. Giving his side of things, and how it looks for him and his wife as a couple (I don't mean speaking for her), sure, go ahead.

mirah2 · 28/04/2023 08:30

LoveHeartsFan · 28/04/2023 00:37

Thank you to the OP here and to the OP of thread 1 for all your posts. This has been a really fascinating and insightful thread. Mumsnet at its best.

I hope this isn’t too sensitive or intrusive a question as we are brought up in general society to not ask questions about finances. I think a lot about ethical banking, for example green banking, and corporate social responsibility, etc.

So my question is framed from that angle. It’s more about what you would consider ethical banking, along the lines of sharia arms of some main High Street banks or specific sharia banks.

In a similar vein, would you be OK to bank at a UK High Street institution, or seek out specific banking solutions elsewhere, e.g. any London branches of an Israeli bank or other bank founded on Jewish principles?

AFAIK no commercial banks really operate under Jewish law/principles. Not even Israeli ones. Happy to be corrected on this.

There are halachot around banking and finance/lending. However, we use regular UK banks because we have to - although my husband has sometimes invested in Sharia banks because of the similar ethics.

In the Haredi sector I think there is unofficial lending between individuals in line with Jewish law. The other Jewish posters may be able to answer this better.

OP posts:
Parkingt111 · 28/04/2023 08:34

Hello I have another question
Do orthodox Jews have specific inheritance laws where certain members of the family get fixed amounts ie spouse son daughter or is it up to them who inherits from them and how much?

Parkingt111 · 28/04/2023 08:36

Also what would happen in the case of If a young orthodox Jewish teenage girl was in a relationship behind her parents back and got pregnant? Would she keep the baby or in such cases encouraged to get an abortion? Would the family be shunned by the rest of the community?

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 28/04/2023 08:37

@EllaDisenchanted I noticed you mention you have ADHD a few times. How was that managed in the community, especially when you were a child? Were you diagnosed early or later in life? Are there understanding,acceptance and adaptation in your community for things that you struggled with?

mirah2 · 28/04/2023 08:37

Babyboomtastic · 28/04/2023 01:05

Coming back to the question of mikvah. If people are required to go for mikvah at the end of nida, and men every time they ejaculate, doesn't that mean:

a) having a sex life is pretty expensive. Google suggestsb in the UK a mikvah costs approx £10. If you have sex 3 times a week for 2 weeks of the month plus the female cleansing, that works out at about £300 a month. Do poorer couples just not have sex any more?

b) I'm guessing that orthodox Jews have to be located geographically close to their mikvah, so would be limited in which cities they could live etc? And the same for going on holiday, unless you are abstinent when away?

c) when googling the cost, I noticed that some mikvah's you have to book 48 hours in advance. What I can see how that works for nida, it seems quite logistically difficult post sex.

Thanks :-)

From a woman's POV! Google is not your friend here.

I pay £10 a go for the Mikveh.

Men - Mikveh is part of a whole system of ritual purity that was mostly relevant in Temple times. Without the Temple, men have no formal reason to go to Mikveh other than for conversion - no need to go after sex. Women still use the Mikveh because of the separate ban on sleeping together when you are niddah.

JeweyJew is a Chasid, in his community it is a custom for men to go to the Mikveh regularly. My MO husband went (as a custom) just before our wedding, and hasn't been back since.

Location - yes, we are limited in where we can live. We need to be within walking distance of a synagogue for Shabbat. Mikveh is also a factor, but less so because you can drive there during the week. For holidays, yes we might factor in access to a Mikveh into where we travel - but if a woman does need to go sometimes creative solutions (like the sea...) can be found.

No need to immerse post sex, and most mikvaot don't have an appointment system unless you have to go on Shabbat or a festival (in which case the Mikveh ladies like to know you are coming).

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