Jewish Orthodox mum AMA

[jewishorthomum]

I'm a 29 yr old Jewish Orthodox religious mum of 2 little boys. Is there anything you'd like to ask about Orthodox Jewish life?
Kill my time whilst I'm waiting to be called in for an appointment.
(When I get called in for my app I'll have to run but will try respond later if there are questions.)

• @CC4712
• Is there kosher baby formula/baby foods or is 'regular' forms of these accepted?

Not my expertise, but I think a lot of regular baby formula milks are kosher, they just don't have the hechsher (symbol on the packet that says if it is kosher, and who certified it)

• Could you have a mikveh bath in your house, or does it need to be at a communal place? Is it heated? What is the fee? Is it just tap water? Does it get blessed by someone each time? Who cleans it?

I guess you probably could have it in the house, if it was built correctly, but it would be expensive and random. It doesn't have to be communal. Technically you could dip in the sea or certain natural water sources. The water is not blessed, it just has to meet a list of specifications, including a certain amount of rainwater (clean rainwater). Whichever ones I have gone to always smell like chlorine, so I assume it is treated with chlorine. It is heated. The mikva is run by teams of women, I'm not sure if they volunteer or are paid, who also clean it in between every woman. They are immaculate. Yes, there is a fee, but it doesn't always cover the costs of running the mikvas, so the community will also donate funds. Laundry is also constantly going.

• Are women allowed to wear tampons, moon cups, period pants?

Yes. https://www.instagram.com/bohemianbalabusta/ Her channel is an excellent way to learn about woman and nida through a Jewish lens.

• If a women is divorced or widowed, can she leave her scarf/wig off to signify she is single again?

Depends who you ask. I personally would not. Once married, my status has changed and I would not uncover, even though I do not find covering my hair the easiest commandment. Many will ask Rabbis and get a heter (reason to permit).

• Are you allowed pets? I've never seen an ultra orthodox Jew walking a dog.

Yes, and there are a number of laws around how to treat them and considerations like how you look after them on Shabbos. For example, you have to feed your animals before you feed yourself. Dog ownership is on the rise, although that is a very recent phenomenon. I think a disproportionate number of us seem to be scared of dogs. No idea why.

Thanks OP, that makes sense, I was interested in the Orthodox view as I know views can differ amongst Jews.

Some people say that the fear of dogs is because the Nazis used dogs on the concentration camp inmates. my DH says his fear of dogs is because none of his classmates in Jewish school had dogs so he has limited exposure.

What a fantastic thread; thank you to OP and all the other Jewish ladies who’ve taken time to share their experiences and to everyone who’s asked thoughtful questions.

It’s like a little microcosm of what the whole world could be like if we all had a bit more grace and openness and good-natured curiosity towards one another.

And you’ve totally changed my view on the idea of nida/mikva - i can absolutely see how it can keep the specialness and magic alive in a marriage and make your sexual bond stronger and, well, more fun! 😉

Out of interest, are there any rules around pets? I lived in the Stoke Newington end of Stamford Hill as a child and quite a few of our neighbours were very orthodox Jews. Two things I distinctly remember happening:
If our cat went into their garden or walked on the garden fence, the kids would throw rocks at it. We tried to speak with them but no one would ever answer the door and of we stopped them in the street they would ignore us. They started throwing stuff at our cat even when it was in our garden. Now they were assholes and our other Jewish neighbours weren't like that but I do wonder if there is something against pets in your rules?
The other situation was in the park playground. I remember people used to mistake me for a Jewish child a lot as I had the same hair as the other girls and I always wore it in a low pony tail. Under the rules you mentioned, I am technically Jewish too so it kind of makes sense.
However, on days we went to church, we'd come back to the playground after. I'd always wear a knee length skirt, tights and a longer top which made me look exactly like the Jewish girls in Stamford Hill. I distinctly remember sitting in the sandpit on a summer afternoon and a Jewish girl started playing with me. We played for a good while and her older sister came up to me and started speaking, what I believe is Yiddish. I obviously couldn't understand and as soon as she realised she grabbed her sisters arm and they left the park. The sister was crying and I was really scared. I thought I'd done something wrong. I was maybe 10? So my question is, is this quite common? Do orthodox Jews generally not let their kids play with outsiders? I know you tend to use different schools. I think I had the unique experience in that I at times fitted into their norm and was treated really nicely by them because they assumed I was one of them. I also have some awful memories of when that wasn't the case. I mean that by the general Stamford Hill Jewish population. Not just my neighbour. I have tons of other stories but I don't want to be negative and those are the two that have really stayed with me well into my adult life. I must admit they make it difficult to watch these Netflix shows and not believe them.

I have a few questions:

1. What's your personal prayer life like? Not the set prayers that you pray formally, but just your own relationship with the Lord individually? Do you meditate, or read Torah, or have any repetitive vocal prayers (like we have the Rosary) or sing religious songs? How much time would you say you spend in prayer on an average day?
2. Would you bless other people in everyday situations, like blessing your children before they leave for school (for example) or are blessings only ever given on specific occasions like Sabbath?
3. I get that this is a hypothetical situation, since most ultra-Orthodox live in substantial Jewish communities, but what would happen if a family (perhaps for work etc.) had to live isolated from other Jews, specifically what would happen for all the prayers that need a minyan? Would that family just completely miss out on them all, or is there some
4. Is it true that some Charedim won't sit on public transport incase a woman who is niddah has sat in the same seat? If so, is this a common practice?
5. Do you have an opinion on the length of niddah? I heard it claimed (by a Jewish neighbour) that it probably originated as a form of birth control, to give the woman a chance of not getting pregnant too often by limiting the time the couple could have sexual relations, but it seems to me that the ending of it would most often coincide with ovulation, more or less (in a woman who has a regular, typical cycle), so it might make frequent pregnancy more likely because the couple are likely to want to have sex as soon as they are able to, and that's at the woman's most fertile time of the month.
6. Related to the above, do observant Jews ever use Natural Family Planning (I appreciate there are not the same issues with contraception as in my religion)?

Sometimes when out for the day I'll comment about how convenient it would be just to be able to buy food anywhere.

Sorry, one of the questions got messed up because I was still editing it when I accidentally posted, but you get the point!

An additional question:
Do Orthodox women ever recite the same prayers which men have to recite? Privately, not for others. I know they're not required to, but can they do it voluntarily or are they reserved for men?

I can't answer for anyone else but my kids have been introduced to the holocaust from a very young age on an age appropriate level.

@Persuaderama I'm not answering your question but when I worked for Hackney, there was a huge, huge amount of kids with disabilities in the Stamford Hill hasidic community. Disproportionate to the mainstream population. I believe they marry within that particular sect so that makes the pool even smaller.

Where I lived, it was predominantly 3 bedroom houses (2 and a boxroom); with large families, that is not extravagant. Expensive looking clothes - in what way? Most people I know are not buying expensive; when I was in the UK, I shopped in primark, george, next, supermarkets mainly - what area were you looking at? It could have been an affluent area, but most Jews are not wealthy.

Jews give a minimum of 10% of income to charity, so ambulances are fundraised for. They are staffed by unpaid volunteers (trained). The men do earn money, and in many (most?) families both spouses work. The men who learn while the women support them is predominantly in Israel, or with young couples who get family support. There is a lot of community giving, fund raising, and free support. If I was making an event, I could find a gemach (free lending/help organisation), for anything from extra freezers/fridges to borrow, to people to volunteer to set out my kiddush (um, event? don't know translation), to tablecloths (often only pay a refundable deposit, and cleaning), centerpieces, there are multiple ones for wedding dresses, veil, headpiece, or gown for an event... There are gemachs for medical equipment, lifts to hospital, baby cots... you name it someone wants to help. So we pool resources a lot.

If they were struggling, yes they would claim benefits.

Have read this whole thread. It's been fascinating and I'm keen to learn more - thank you!

If the child's biological mother is not Jewish, the child will not be Jewish.

Actually what I said is there's either information missing or that it's not true. Turns out the missing information was that this was only men who did it, and you're a woman. My guess is another piece of missing information is how you were dressed.

Golders Green and Hampstead Garden Suburb (in London) have large houses where orthodox Jews live. I think they are considered affluent areas. I know a big part is definitely due to inheritance (due to people we know) and not because the previous generations were rich, but because they bought earlier and passed it down to kids. Radlett/Finchley also have large houses but i think the people who live in them are more likely to be traditional/reform/masorti rather than orthodox.
I live near very near those areas so i have observed that some of them do dress very nicely but only during shabbat. It does make sense that the shabbat clothes are nicer.

Thanks so much OP - I have a few random questions:

• did you watch Strictly Kosher? I found it a really accessible explanation of how some Jewish communities work. Do you think it was representative?

• are you allowed to have non-Jewish friends?

• what do you do on shabbos?

• do you find peoples' ignorance annoying in real life?? I've put my foot in it before by commenting on a Jewish woman's hair without realising it was a wig - then felt pretty bad for not realising

• are the rules of death and mourning different for babies dying compared to older children/adults? Someone told me once that they didn't need to follow the usual mourning process for their baby as she died before her due date. I must admit that almost broke my heart.

If one disagrees, and the other needs to leave the marriage, can they leave and still live in the community?
Or are they expected to remain in the marriage with guidance from the rabbi? Surely there are a lot of unhappy marriages as with all other communities?

I don't understand either how a beautiful wig is acceptable over natural/shaved heads and also how erecting a ervu is anything but a workaround? Someone replied to one poster who asked that they are interesting questions but avoided answering.

Isn't it seen as unfair that the men get to sit around studying endlessly without the need for exams, while the women provide all the financial support?

Are the communities close enough to provide ongoing financial assistance to poorer members of the community? What happens with large families when more financial assistance is needed regularly?

The thread is very interesting. Thank you.

This is a wonderful thread!

May I ask a question that is not intended to be offensive at all, but I am curious: would it be foolish of a non Jewish family to go and live in Golders Green? Would you be welcomed by neighbours or seen as an outsider, so you think?

Another question: is the ritual bathing only for ultra orthodox?

Op or whomever is about who's also Orthodox Jewish, sorry if this has been asked.

Re not looking to recruit people to Judaism and making it hard to prove its really what they want etc., I understand. However most religions believe you only make it to the afterlife / eternal life if you believe in the right God so actively want people to convert so they too can go to Heaven or wherever the religion believes. So does Judaism teach that too but there's just no concern for converting other people perhaps because you're less likely to be emotionally tied to atheists, other religions if you live in insular society? Or is there a different belief re afterlife?

Another question, please:

Have you come across racism within Judaism? There was a news item a few years back about the treatment of black people within the Jewish community, specifically Jews of Ethiopian origin, and a lot of them felt that they weren't accepted by the rest of the community as 'properly' Jewish, and it was often assumed that they must be converts. Is that something you've experienced, what would you say it's like in the UK for non-white Jews?

And can you explain why the rules for kohen marriages prevent marriage to a convert? I can see why they would prevent marriage to a divorcee or zonah, but why a convert, does it imply that her conversion makes her less than a woman born Jewish?

Interesting thread OP.
My question: if one of your children wanted to marry someone from outside of the faith, how would you feel about that?

My grandmother was Jewish and fell in love with a Christian man who she married. Sadly she was disowned by her whole family 😢 I hope this has changed over time.

I don’t think that’s fair, she did say it was ‘Orthodox Jewish men’. Anyway, does it matter? It’s part of the faith and doesn’t hurt anyone. I wouldn’t have an issue with it and would just look away to avoid causing any discomfort.

I used to live in Stamford Hill and when I passed Orthodox Jewish men in the street they would cross over.

Am fairly certain that Jews do not consider the afterlife to be exclusive to Jews.

One has to be born a Jew - one's mother has to be Jewish, hence the lack of recruiting others. But if someone wants to convert of their own accord, that's a different thing, although the process is hard and the potential convert is turned down three times because they can start the process.

Am sure OP or the other Jewish posters can expand further on this.

What is the main language spoken by orthodox Jews? Is it Hebrew and Do you teach it to your children in order for them to learn and understand the torah?