Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

I have a feeling that the higher amount went to his company,

It shouldnt have for a personal tax rebate. If you want me to take a look (former HMRC tax advisor), send me some photos on DM if you like ;)

@Bluebeanbag

Is there anything else I need to do that I haven't thought of?

Change your address on any Will you have, and amend your Will generally, removing your husband as beneficiary, change your Death in Service plus Private Pension and Life Insurance beneficiaries if applicable so he doesn't benefit. And yes, as I think a PP mentioned,
Let HMRC know your new contact details. Don't forget to remove your name or change passwords on any shopping (eg supermarkets, Amazon) plus suppliers like Sky, Netflix etc) Change them before you tell him so he doesn't lock you out of your own accounts. Good luck! 🌹

They sound like great boys, a credit to their mother.

Oh the phone will no doubt get a rapturous response 😁

Great offer from @FishChipsMushyPeas.

Don't let that twat diddle you!

@Newestname002 thanks for the reminder. My solicitor mentioned about changing the beneficiary stuff some time ago but I completely forgot.

He locked me out of the Amazon account some time ago by changing the email associated with the account to his. After that, I changed all the other accounts so he couldn't do it again.

Mortgage offer has finally gone to the underwriters this afternoon so hopefully will have a decision by early next week. It's all been delayed because I had to come off the company accounts and change my tax code to qualify for the full amount I need to borrow. I had to wait until it came through on my April payslip because the bank wouldn't accept the letter from HMRC as evidence. Feel like I might finally be getting somewhere.

Seriously, @Bluebeanbag what a complete tosser he is.
Who locks their wife out of the Amazon a/c?
FFS he is unbelievable.

I'm just thinking back to my ex. We'd had some beautiful black and white photographs of the children taken. When we split up, I moved out first (for safety) and he gradually gave me my possessions. My clothes, in bin bags, screwed up.

I asked him for the children's photos, so that I could get copies made.
He said he'd lost them. How do you lose photos that are hanging on the wall outside your bedroom?

You don't obviously. He just didn't want me to have them.

And my piano music (from childhood) which I had in a cupboard.

He said he'd lost that, too.
It was many years ago now, but just demonstrates his level of control.
Anyway, OP - you're nearly there. The end is in sight.

The reason he locked me out of the account was because he realised that I had set up another account (non-subscription, so no Prime) because there was a book I wanted to buy that I didn't want him to know about. He said since I had another account now, I wouldn't be needing the family account.

I've since asked him to remove my debit card from the family account but he laughed at me and said I was being paranoid if I thought he would use my debit card to pay for things. I think the easiest thing in the long run will be to apply for another debit card when I move, so then the old one will be obsolete. That's on my to do list as well 🙄

@TheShellBeach I feel the pain of the piano music. I'm a musician too. At one point he suggested that, 'if we were doing things properly' we should sell the contents of the house and split the money 50/50, including my piano given to me by my now deceased DF. He followed this up by saying, ' but I wouldn't be that nasty'. He really is a treat isn't he?!

Luckily I have most of the photos of the DC because it was something he was just never interested in, although he will kick up a big fuss about it now, I'm sure.

Again order that new debit card now.

Speak to the bank ensure that means anything the old one is on can't be used.

So great to see you're nearly out on the other side, @Bluebeanbag. You've shown such strength over the past months, and fully deserve the rewards you're about to reap from this.

Can you speak to the bank and collect your new credit/debit cards from one of their branches? You'd probably need to bring photo ID/utility bills with you to collect them 🌹

Bit of good news 😊 My mortgage offer has finally come through and we are starting to talk dates! It's looking like it might be some time in May.

That's great news, the sooner you can forget your moronic husband the better

Not long now!

Are you able to tie in the sale and purchase?

Great news.

@RandomMess it's looking more likely now. At one stage I thought I was actually going to be ahead of H, because there is a new build on his side of the chain which may have held him up, but apparently his sellers have agreed to vacate. They are now suggesting first week of May which is too soon for me, given that my mortgage offer has only just come through, but we may be able to find middle ground. 🤞🏼

How’s it going @Bluebeanbag ?

Still no date for moving. As far as I can tell this is mainly because my solicitor still hasn't received the mortgage paperwork from the bank, which is really frustrating.

H has been spitting chips and putting the pressure on by saying that his vendor is threatening to pull out if we don't complete by next Friday, but I called his bluff. He didn't know that the estate agent had told me that his sellers purchase (a new build) wouldn't be signed off until 24th May, so why would THEY be pushing for completion next week? He didn't reply to that message.

Mostly though, I've just been feeling heartbroken this week. The feelings have caught up with me all of a sudden and it's like my whole body has shut down. I'm having to force myself to push through every moment.

Yes, I recognize those feelings.
It's understandable. You've been through a traumatic experience and you've had to really dig to get the mental energy needed to achieve the split, to come with your response to it, the boys' response to it, not to mention the house move.
I think we're all silently cheering you on.

You have had years of abuse and finally decided to leave.

Brave but stressful, especially this last bit.

The relief will be so enormous but exhausting too.

I would strongly suggest you buy a tonic like Floridix with iron to support you through this time and help with your energy levels.

You are doing great and you have a fab future ahead on you.

Hold on to the image of a twat free zone...

Thanks @billy1966 I had not heard of it. I'll give it a go. I'm certainly at the end of my energy.

You are very nearly there @Bluebeanbag, hang onto that thought.
not surprised you’re feeling low, you’ve been (and are still going through) huge trauma.
Look after yourself x

How are you feeling now, OP?

You've come a long way. Be proud of yourself. Don't worry about having an occasional wobble.

I just want to say you're an inspiration op, I dream of being where you are now. I will get there too one day. Thank you for sharing your experience x

Thanks for all your messages everyone. I've been a bit better this week up until today. The contracts came through on my house purchase and we are now all nearly ready to exchange. The problem we have hit today is that people cannot agree on a date to complete. The top of the chain on H's side can't complete before 25th and are not willing to break the chain and vacate. The top of the chain on my side are saying that completion has to happen by the 15th otherwise they will pull out. Haven't spoken to H about it yet.

Gah! What is wrong with people???!!