Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

@Bluebeanbag ‘I do feel this is just another storm I have to ride out’ sums it up! Your stbx may genuinely believe the buyers are trying their luck and not want to give in, rather than being annoying as usual. It’s one of the pitfalls of selling. No consolation to you when you just want it sold today and be done! Such a frustrating situation but he will want out of this too, even though he also wants to keep you feeling stressed and upset. It’s in both your interests to get the house sold, and he has another place lined up too doesn’t he? You WILL get through this and out the other side. Hold that thought!

After lots of phone calls today. The sale is finally agreed. I've got to pay the difference negotiated as H is still refusing to budge but the buyer has accepted my compromise. In the end I just cut H out of all negotiations and sorted it out myself. I could never have done this a few weeks or months ago. I feel drained but quite proud of myself.

Keep your eyes on the horizon and continue to put one step in front of the other. You've got this 💕

Wow! Well done, OP.
Does the bellend who you're divorcing know yet?

@TheShellBeach I thought I'd keep it to myself for now 🙊😄

Well done, one less worry

Well done.

Indeed keep it too yourself.

This is just another example of him screwing over his children via you.

I think you should talk to your solicitor again about the split so that you get every % you can of shared assets FOR YOUR BOYS.

I think you should talk to your solicitor again about the split so that you get every % you can of shared assets FOR YOUR BOYS.
^
agree with billy.
this will be not the last time he is screwing you over financially. and you already settled on a unfair split. you have come so far and showed so much strength - wishing you the energy to go for the money now!

Having been through similar though I can understand why you might not want to go through a protracted fight over money and the split being 'fair'.
For me it was more important to be able to draw a line and walk into a more peaceful life, than put my life on hold because I was arguing about money.
My sanity, my freedom and my self respect were worth more to me. I left with enough money to set myself up happily.
We have a child together and so I knew I was going to be stuck with 15 years of having to negotiate co-parenting.
I picked my battles and ultimately to me the money was not a priority. Lots of my friends couldn't understand how I could let him get away with it - but none of them had lived with a manipulative narcissist.

I tend to think that too, getting out can be worth taking less, that's my plan with stbxh. Actually planning to tell him today, this thread title being at the top felt serendipitous.

I can absolutely understand this strategy if you walk away financially comfortable and able to give your children the life you feel they should have.

However if leaving with little money, from a mean man who will take every opportunity to screw you over, then there can be regrets.

The boys have a lot of growing up to do and teenagers are expensive.

There have been many posts over the years of children raised in difficult circumstances because their father screwed their mother over.

Many posts from women who regret allowing themselves to be financially bullied by a man whom could care less about their childrens comfort.

This is not a good or decent man.

He is scum.

He may make promises about having the children at his home, sharing costs as they come up, but I wouldn't believe a bit of it.

I would expect him to focus his energies on finding wife number 4 and spend his income on that.

I would expect not a penny more from him that basic CM, the very least he can get away with.

He will quite likely have more children, to trap whatever poor victim he catches, and you will see him withdraw all and every financial support at the very earliest he can, especially if he has more children.

I wouldn't expect him to contribute to their further education, college, uni etc.if he can avoid it.

So every penny will really count up front so that you are not burdened alone with it all.

Get the house sold, but if you can find the strength, talk to solicitor about the worst case scenario where he leaves the cost of raising his boys to YOU.

Contact Women's aid to get advice on how to leave safely. Behind every publicised murder suicide there was domestic abuse.

Happy Easter everyone 🐣🌻. I hope you are all doing OK this weekend whatever your circumstances. Bit of a long rambling update coming...

I had a lovely day with the DC yesterday. They have been spending a lot of time playing computer games recently, partly because I've been busy getting the house packed up and partly because H doesn't seem capable of getting them to do anything else. I always feel guilty about it but I am planning to make changes to our routine as soon as we are out of here. Anyway, yesterday I involved the DC in making the roast dinner, playing all sorts of games, plus Easter egg hunt and then clearing up afterwards and we had such a lovely time. H was out for part of it so the weight lifted when left the house.

I'm still on the rollercoaster of emotions every day. Some days I feel really strong and good about what I'm doing, but there has been a lot of guilt again recently. I think it's partly grieving the loss of my extended family. This has had such a huge impact on so many people's lives and I do feel responsible, although I know he has responsibility in this too (not that he or any of his family will acknowledge this).

We are on the verge of exchanging contracts on the house but I am slightly dragging it out at this point because my purchase is almost ready and if it can catch up then I won't have to move in with my friend temporarily.

We are at a stalemate on the payment of last month's bills. We have been breaking it down and paying half of the bills each every month. However, because most of the bills are in his name, he is now hiding them in his room. This month I said that I want to see copies of all the bills before I pay him for any of them and he has flatly refused! I had a good idea of what the bills were previously because they were filed in a cupboard that I had access to but I know that some of them have increased now and I haven't seen recent copies.

He is giving me nonsense excuses for why he can't show me - I'm too tired to sort it all out, it's too much grief etc and yesterday he got angry with me and told me to 'fuck off' - he's not like that (i.e. trying to con me out of money). In the next breath he then said - you've had more than enough out of me, which tells me I have every reason to believe that he absolutely is trying to con me out of money. He keeps trying to reframe it as me being unreasonable, overly pedantic and lacking in trust but I am refusing to let him play the game any more. It feels really good to have some power!

Do you think that if I continue to refuse to pay him half the bills until he shows me copies, he will have any come back on me? At the moment he has just huffed off saying - fine, I'll just pay it myself then.

This is just more financial abuse and bullying.

Continue to refuse to pay.

His name is on the bills so it is his responsibility.

He has ripped you off enough, keep as much money as you can.

Keep saying no and refuse to engage.

No one with an ounce of sense would pay money without proof of the bill.

Any aggression, involve the police.

Happy Easter.

Nearly there.

Thanks @billy1966 I continue to doubt myself because standing my ground still feels so alien at times. It's really helpful to have confirmation that I am right.

What Billy says, he's used to you caving to his bullying.

Of course you don't pay 50% of a bill you haven't seen

Wouldn't surprise me if he's explained the house is about to sell and he's drawn down the overpayments pot so to speak and some are in credit.

@RandomMess exactly what I was thinking.

I agree with the PP. I strongly suspect you've overpaid over the years. He's taken the credit out of the pot and any money you give him will be additional to go in his pocket. It must be a fair amount if he'd rather 'pay them himself' than let you see the bill.

I'm currently over £500 in credit on my gas & electric bill to give you an idea of how much he could stand to lose if you saw the bill.

You ARE right, @Bluebeanbag
He is just trying another method of control, to see how you take it.

Just remember that you're nearly there now. You've achieved so much, in a relatively short space of time. You've shown him that he no longer has power over you; that's thrown him off-balance, so he's desperately trying to claw you back into his clutches and nastiness.

I would stop asking to see the bills. If they're in his name, he needs to deal with them. Do not mention the bills at all. Make it a non-issue for yourself.

He'll have to pay them, anyway. I can imagine him squirming, metaphorically, realising that he's losing his power. Every time you refuse to engage is a step forward for you, and a blow for him.

Just ignore the bill issue. If he wants to behave like a badly-behaved child, do what you would do with a badly-behaved child. Ignore the bad behaviour.

Not long to go now.

Highly likely as @RandomMess says.

Can you check the accounts yourself and tell your solicitor this is another example of financial abuse.

You should be requesting a copy of the final bills of a property you own.

Email him the request.

I would be ringing the utility companies directly.

He's slime.

@CleaningOutMyCloset we have already disagreed about the overpayment. For the past 16 years, he always has always paid the utility bills while I covered all expenses for the children. When we split up at the beginning of July he continued to pay the direct debit for the gas and electric which meant that he was overpaying throughout the summer.

We started splitting all bills equally (on his insistence) from 1st October but he has been arguing for some time that I should repay him the overpayment he made during the summer as we were separated by then. I said no to this but as @RandomMess suggests, he has probably now drawn down the overpayment.

Yesterday he sent me a picture of part of the bill to show the amount owing for Feb-March (double Jan-Feb's bill) but has cut off the top portion of the bill in the picture.

@billy1966 would the utilities companies talk to me if the bills are in his name?

I emailed him last week asking for copies of the bills. I think for the time being, I will pay half of the mortgage and council tax, as I have copies of those, and ignore the rest.

Just grey rock - I will only pay towards them if you forward me the bills in full.

Basically nothing he can have altered. It's bloody obvious he's got money back.

In fact I would want a full 12 months worth account including final balance before handing over anything toward them.

Don't forget you don't pay council tax in January and February

@CleaningOutMyCloset that depends on your set up, same if you pay water rates rather than metered though!