Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

@CleaningOutMyCloset I just went to check and ours is over 12 months.

Yes, grey rock is the approach I'm taking and I'm using exactly that line about the bills. It's funny, he's always been able to panic me in these situations, but now I feel like he is the one losing it.

Well yes his bullying isn't working anymore and you aren't caving. His world has turned upside down now you've broken free.

He IS losing it.
Three hearty cheers for you!

Thank you 😊 I feel like this last month has dragged out forever. I can't wait to finally move, although I'm sure there will be more stress to deal with before it actually happens. Still taking it one step at a time.

I don't know if I mentioned it upthread, but he has actually started working now, so is out every day from just after 6am until dinner time. Such a relief!

@Bluebeanbag hooray that he's finally got his arse and gone back to work;make sure you put in a claim for child maintenance to the CSA on the day either you or he moves out;I wouldn't trust him to pay you CM in a private arrangement as he'll definitely try to pay less than he should and you'd probably have difficulty getting the money out of him;he's financially abusive,entitled and very bitter and would likely see you getting CM as "winning" against him even though the money is for his kids.

@Duckingella I am certain planning to do just that. He always tried to stop his first wife from going through the CMS and always said she spent the CM on herself rather than the kids!!

I read somewhere that with narcissists, if you set boundaries and calmly refuse to budge, eventually they overplay their hand and I'm wondering if this is what is happening now. He really is showing himself up for what he is.

Yesterday, he was busy changing all the lightbulbs in his room for cheaper ones so that the new owners would not benefit from 'his' expensive lightbulbs 🙈🙈🤯. I mean, I can't even...

Just can't imagine swapping lightbulbs that may or may not fit the next property!

I would ring up CMS the day you exchange especially if it's a short completion time.

Where are you with the house you are buying?

Paperwork is nearly complete on my purchase. My seller is waiting on some final replies to enquiries and my mortgage offer hasn't come through yet (but should do today or tomorrow).

We moved into a house once which had no lightbulbs at all in it.
Unbelievable that people do this.

Well it does seem that it will be possible to tie I your purchase then. Just don't let him get wind of it.

Remember you can pay a small fee to exchange and complete in a short time frame including same day but it's not good on the stress levels!

Make out that you are going to your friends and your stuff is going in storage and your purchase is a while off until you have exchanged and completion date on family home is agreed.

Nerves of steel at this point!

@RandomMess is right, mislead him and feign false stress if you think it will distract the twat.

Keep the truth of the move to yourself.
He is not entitled to know your business.

Please also remember to NEVER allow him into YOUR new home.

Tell your boys if necessary.

This is your twat free zone, and you don't want him killing the good vibes with his poisonous essence 😁

Also redirect your mail before completion date.

How many idiots does it take to change a lightbulb 💡

Just the one apparently.

I sincerely hope they don't fit his new house just for being so petty.

We've all been rooting for you on this thread since last year and I think I speak for everyone when I say that we're all looking forward to seeing you and your kids safely rehoused and that decree absolute landing on your new doormat.

I also feeling sorry for the next woman who ends up with this your awful ex however we all hope you end up with someone (when you're ready) who deserves you.

@billy1966 I fully intend never to let him cross the threshold and I will tell the boys. He has chosen to buy a house about 30 minutes drive away, so I'm also thinking I won't be picking up or dropping off the kids.

I am making a list of all the things I need to do before and on moving day, like mail redirection etc.

Yesterday I sent him an email saying I would be paying half of the mortgage and the council tax (which I have access to) but nothing else unless he showed me the copies of the bills. I transferred the money but he hasn't mentioned it any further.

My 'nerves of steel' are a bit strung out today. It's DS1's birthday at the weekend and I'm worrying about how to make it special for him. My family don't live near enough to visit and I have no money at the moment due to all the solicitors fees and moving costs, so we can't really do much. H's family live close by and in the past would have all come round for a birthday meal but it's 'my day' with the DC on his birthday so I don't really know what to do.

He's old enough to be honest with him and ask him if he has any ideas and obviously you can offer to do something at a later date in your new home.

.

Yes, you are right @RandomMess I continually get myself twisted in knots trying to do everything perfectly for everyone. I'm beginning to slowly realise I need to take a step back from it all. He is old enough and he knows how much I love him. Thank you.

Delighted to read it will be a twat free zone and that you will not be in any way involved with transporting the children.

Start as you mean to go.
Do not entertain it for a minute.

Infact treat any suggestion by him with incredulity....as in, that's got fxxk all to do with you🙄.

I would also instigate all communication regarding the children through email.

Give the boys both phones so they can communicate with you directly when with him.

Tell the boys they need to be packed and ready with everything by the door for when he calls.

Limit interactions with him to the minimum.

Your boys sound great.

Do as @RandomMess suggests and be honest with your son.
He will understand.
Children understand a lot more than we often give them credit for.

You can pick a nice day and designate it as his postponed birthday.

Make his favourite dinner this weekend.

Well done for the email re costs.

He no longer has power over you.
You are nearly free of him.

A great future awaits you.

He's got to go looking for wife number 4!!

Pity the poor idiot that entertains him, god help her whomever she is.

I’ve been reading through this thread hoping you would be free of him by the end of it - and sounds like it’s very close now.
Ive recently told my not-so ‘d’ Hthat I want to divorce after 20 plus years together. He’s being absolutely awful to me so I’m taking mental notes on best ways to deal with things going forward (as we will have to live together till house is sold…)

@billy1966 I spoke to DS1 about choosing a postponed birthday day when we get to the new house and he seemed to like that idea. They are both amazing kids and I'm so proud of the way they have handled all this.

It's a good point about the phones. DS2 doesn't have one yet and I had planned to get him one next year when he is in year 6 but I'll bring that forward. He'll be overjoyed 🙄😂

So far my list of things to do just before/on the day we move is:
Redirect mail
Apply to CMS
Switch child benefit to my account (currently goes into joint account and is used against mortgage payment)

Is there anything else I need to do that I haven't thought of?

@Bluebeanbag it takes at least five working days to set up redirection so please make sure you allow enough time! Good luck with everything, nearly free!

Car insurance? Only thing with the car insurance is they also send a letter to your old address.
DVLA
Also, are you due a tax rebate? You'll need to update those details as well, I've just done it online

Sorry, I probably didn't explain fully. I have a list of all the usual stuff which goes with a house move - changing addresses on everything etc. I just wondered if there was anything specifically related to our splitting up which I hadn't thought of.

I have had a tax rebate but I still need to get back to the tax office because I was notified of two different amounts in the same letter but only received the lower amount. I have a feeling that the higher amount went to his company, although I don't know how this works.

@Ghislainedefeligonde good luck 💐. I have drawn so much strength from people on MN throughout this whole process, both from this thread and from reading about other's experiences. It's invaluable.

Switch child benefit now, you can always transfer it over to the joint account if you get a payment in the interim as that will take a while to process.