Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

@Bluebeanbag I've just spent the last hour or so reading through all your posts in this thread and am so impressed by how strong you've been through all this. I recognise your husband's behaviour in a family situation I experienced previously and I must say it makes me sad that you've agreed to the 39/61 split, though understand you have to do what's right for you. In the situation I mention the husband bullied the wife into accepting an unfair settlement that means he continues to live an expensive and easy life whilst she struggled with two small children to bring up. He similarly tried to hide his money, pretend he wasn't earning etc. Even was similarly pig headed and either was poorly advised by solicitors or ignored them and ended up costing himself a fortune in legal fees trying to fight maintenence etc. The woman now regrets that she didn't fight him for a fair settlement and just accepted his arguments for an easier life. In the end it also didn't help in terms of getting it over and done with because he continued to fight for years over maintenance etc and pretend he had no money. My advice would be to stand up for yourself and your DCs, as you have been, and don't take anything less than you deserve. But again you have to do what's right for you. And also, again, you have handled all this with such bravery and dignity so far, you should be proud. I would have taken your friend up on the offer with the shovel by now!😉

@Bluebeanbag
I follow this fantastic lady on social media. This snippet is exactly what you need advice on regards him refusing to work.

It's on Facebook but I think she's on you tube too. She's called the legal queen.

www.facebook.com/reel/901686084488629?fs=e&s=TIeQ9V

@OhwhyOY thank you 😊

We've actually had a productive and quite straightforward day sorting through stuff in the house and agreeing on how to split things. I went out for a couple of hours in the middle of the day because I just needed to get away from him for a bit, but we achieved quite a lot.

I've got stuff squirrelled away in addition to what has been agreed and I plan on buying a few extra bits and pieces with the weekly shop which he won't notice, so all good.

I spoke to the estate agent today who said that they think my seller will be ready around the end of March/beginning of April so that's positive too.

@grandmashotdoodlebugs thanks! That looks helpful.

It's weird how the feelings can switch so quickly and for no apparent reason. Again, quite a productive day and he voluntarily gave me the kids passports when I found the courage to mention them in passing earlier 😲

Nothing untoward has happened, in fact quite the opposite, but suddenly I'm feeling overwhelmed, shaky and scared again. My stomach is all over the place, I can't eat without feeling sick and my heart is racing the whole time. I don't get it. Partly I'm feeling a bit unsettled by the fact that he appears to be being so nice again, I don't trust that behaviour at all, but I don't think that's entirely the reason for how I'm feeling. Maybe it's just part of the journey.

You are a good kind decent person and your default is to tolerate quite a lot, as you did for a long time.

Its not in your nature to think badly of him and he is the father of your children.

Of course you would like to think well of him.

This is a very painful journey.

Lean into these emotions and accept them as part of the process.

You are doing so well.
Keep squirreling and stay alert!

@billy1966 lean into the emotions is what my counsellor said too. I'm used to burying things as a coping mechanism.

Stay alert is good advice. I am aware that I have let my guard down a bit over the past couple of days and engaged with him on more friendly terms, so I definitely need to watch out.

Thank you.

I wonder if you're off balance because he's being pleasant for a change. I would be suspicious of these tactics from him
My ex would appear to be nice and helpful sometimes but in the background he was still plotting and scheming, and fully prepared to switch me up.
I would tread carefully if I were you. I think you know he isn't capable of sustaining this facade, and your inability to eat may be your body's way of warning you to be very careful.

And there it is! How fucking predictable.

He's just come down and announced that we have used around £360 of gas and electric over the past 3 weeks which is over £100 more than the direct debit amount. I said that I thought we were in credit though. He said yes, but that's my money which I paid in over the summer.Trying to claw back every penny at every opportunity. I actually can't believe that HE called ME a money grabber.

OMG What a tightwad.
I'm sorry he's reverted to type but not surprised.

Tell him he's got the cake mixer and to shut up about the leccy!

😂 Yes! Thank you @TheShellBeach I don't know what I'm going to say to him yet. I'm just going to bide my time because I'm angry now and I don't want to respond in anger.

@Bluebeanbag I’ve read all your posts too and you are such an inspiration, honestly. I am rooting for you along with so many other people here.

Change typically makes people feel wobbly - don’t forget “comfort” zones can be very unpleasant places to be yet we feel so compelled to stay there. Better the devil and all that I guess. I am sorry your STBXH is being such an arse with you but I’m glad he keeps reminding you why you need to go. Can’t wait to hear when you’re finally free xx

Good.
He probably had a go about the electricity bill to see if he could rile you.
It's much better to calm down, then give him your measured response. He's probably disappointed that you didn't immediately react.

Lol. Got anything that you can plug in that draws a lot of power? Something that would go unnoticed?

I guess you just stay calm and say it’s been cold, energy prices are high. Everyone has these issues, please try not to get so upset about it, it makes you sound very money grubbing.

I'm thinking about just refusing to pay any more than half of the usual bill. Is there anything he can do about that? They are not charging us extra currently, it's just that the final bill will use up the money he had overpaid and he won't get it back.

Oh, my heart bleeds for him.
He'll have to sell the Fancy Cake Mixer on Ebay in order to survive.

Don't pay.

Send a PA message that the credit on the account will cover it.

Pay nothing extra to that mean bastard.

I wouldn't give him the mixer either.

Again, in a message TELL him, your GIFT is going with you.

Get text proof as much as you can.

Twat.

How sad for him.

I'd just shrug and say well the bills are in your name so it doesn't work like that 🤷🏽‍♀️

I'd say nothing, just let the final bill use up the credit he had overpaid, job done. If he starts to get difficult or make threats, just tell him you know he can afford it from his hidden savings.

He lives in the house therefore half of the bill is his responsibility. Of course the energy bill is high, it's winter ffs, he is as thick as he is mean, horrible little man.

Also you paid your share of the other bills in the summer so he could afford to build up the credit.

He's so nasty.

@RandomMess that was going to be the point I made, but he will say that I have always paid less towards everything. He ignores the fact that I have been working PT for the past 12 years in order to bring up our children and therefore could never afford to contribute half towards the household bills.

We're packing stuff this weekend and I'm just getting more and more furious. He is leaving all the children's stuff to me to sort out and handpicking certain items of their belongings which he wants at his house (with their agreement). He just keeps repeating that his house will be 'too small' for him to take much stuff. Idiot.

Meh, grey rock.

"Yeah and I sacrificed work full time and my earning potential raising our boys"

Thanks all. Feeling a bit calmer now. Been to a friend's for dinner with the DCs and we had a lovely time. Helps to lighten the load a bit, ready for the next slog.

Good, good.
We're all here to support you.