Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

@billy1966 exactly that. He has been delaying sending me this list because he knows I will disagree with most of the content.

Don't entertain it.

He doesn't get to steal his childrens possessions.
I would actually call 101 and as for advice ahead of this.
The children will be living primarily with you and all their possessions follow them.
Should that change, their stuff would go with them.
He is trying to get one over you and he doesn't give a damn if it causes upset to the children.
Don't get into any argument with him.
Just keep repeating the childrens possessions are moving with the children.

I repeat, if he gets aggressive, call the police.
Can you remove stuff and give it to a friend for safe keeping?
If you can do.

Kitchen stuff, essential bits, extra bedding etc.
Get photos out of the house asap, anything precious.

It's looking like I will need to arrange storage anyway because my purchase won't complete in time for our sale to go through, in which case I can move stuff out when I've organised that.

Selfish man, but again sometimes it's just best to drop the rope.

Can you buy the kids new bikes or games consoles? EBay is your friend, and the kids will love having new stuff. I walked away with very little from my ex and the kids were great about it. They didn't mind not having 'stuff' as I would play with them and get quite inventive with games and things to do which they loved. Id buy second hand replacement 'stuff' and they'd get really excited about it. I know it wound my ex up, as he thought he'd 'won' by taking most of their stuff with him, but they'd go to his house and rave about the new bikes, or new beds etc, even if they were secondhand

Ignore, just stash anything that is not negotiable in a friend's garage asp.
Photos, stuff from your childhood, anything "irreplaceable" to stop him just walking out with things when he lets himself in..
He wont know where (& what value) the sheets etc are. Stash as much nice things as plausible , then give him half of whats left.
Re kids things, its just emotional manipulation. Ignore.
(he's hoping he can keep the kids occupied on "his" on time...
That will be a novelty.

My heart skipped a beat when I saw this. I'm so happy for you!!

I wish I was as strong as you. Tonight I cried in the shower which I've never done before and I feel broken, but seeing your post helps a lot so thank you

Oh Pixie I'm sorry you are in such a bad place. I've cried in the shower many times too. I never feel strong. The opposite in fact. But people constantly tell me I am strong and when I look back at all this shit I feel like there might be some truth in it. You can find your strength. Little by little. 💐

@CleaningOutMyCloset I hadn't thought of it like that. I do really want to just drop the rope but I also feel like I'll be letting the kids down if I don't fight for their stuff.

What a disgusting piece of work he is wanting to deprive his own children of their favourite things the majority of the time in order to dick swing and try to punish you.

It's quite simple,you said to him the children's things will be at the resident parent home.

Does he play on the kids games consoles?;I can imagine him sitting around on his backside gaming as he seems to have so much time on his hands not working.

Make sure you text him that the children want their stuff where they will spend most time.

Get proof of that.

I hope you are moving stuff quietly.

We actually ended up having a civil conversation about the house contents yesterday. I pointed out that the children's possessions should remain with them and after initially looking like he was going to put up a fight, he actually conceded quite quickly, saying that he didn't want to argue about it.

Despite this apparent success, I am feeling pissed off and grumpy tonight because he is just such a total game-playing shitbag. My biggest consolation is that he bloody well knows I can see straight through him now, which is why I think he conceded yesterday so easily.

He's still trying his best to play the victim, saying that he's got such a tiny little house, he won't be able to take much of the furniture, so I will be so lucky because I'll get to take so much stuff. DS1 put this all into perspective for me yesterday though, when he asked me whether our house would come with any furniture, 'because dad's getting loads of stuff with his house'!!

H has also said that he wants the family computer (a second hand Mac given to us by his brother), which I was going to agree to, simply because I can't easily use it for work and I have a laptop provided by my employer. However, DS1 also told me today that 'dad's going to buy us a PC for when we're at his house'. So, as I suspected, it's not about necessity but rather about making sure he keeps anything of value so that I don't benefit.

@billy1966 I don't really have anywhere to move anything until I rent a storage unit, which I don't want to do until the last minute because it's so bloody expensive! I am packing stuff up in boxes though and stashing them in my room. Most of it he doesn't want anyway. He only wants stuff which is worth money, like the ridiculously expensive cake mixer he bought me as a grand gesture last year. I would love to hear his reasoning behind that - he's never made a cake in his life!

What about texting around your friends to see if they would take 2 or 3 boxes each. Most people could do that, to get out the bits that will be handy, bedding, kitchen bits, towels. Cleaning stuff. All bits that would be handy to have delivered to the house.

Dad's full of shite more like. His 'I want the kids' stuff' stunt didn't fly so he's had to find another way to twist your melon. Fuck him and his bullshit.

@billy1966 i reckon you should write a divorce the wankbadger guidebook - you always give such sound advice. Follow Billy’s advice @Bluebeanbag and you won’t go far wrong! Sending lots of positive energy and good wishes for you and the dc. 💐

Yes good idea @billy1966 I've had loads of offers from people wanting to help me move in. I'm sure they would take a box or two each.

@goody2shooz I'd buy that book! 😂

Thank you, and I'm somehow married to such a pet🙏.

Make a note in your phone of who has what....
It will be good to take control and start the packing.
Jean...bedding/towels/pillows

Hilary...packets of noodles, easy snack foods the kids like, kìtchen stuff, juice etc
Loo roll, a few knives forks, spoons pan, tea towels, tea coffee, kitchen roll, essential bits that will mean no shopping needed. Sharp knives, plates.
As much as you can.
All this stuff costs and why buy it if you can bring it with you.

Jill....Cleaning stuff, cloths, sprays etc.

Kids favourit foods, cosy blankets, fan heater.

Also make a list of stuff you will need that you can circulate to friends to look out for.

You would be amazed at the help you will get if you make a list and put it out there.

Most people have far too much kitchen stuff, an extra hoover etc....put the word out.

We all have too much stuff.

You are making great progress.

Great list by @billy1966

If it's not already been said before, also a special box containing your passports, marriage and birth certificates, copies of important documents (pension - his as well as yours, Inc any other savings and investments), items/photos which may have sentimental value, copies of utility bills so you can contact them later if necessary to get your name taken off the bills. Anything which might go missing which you will need later down the line. 🌹

He only wants stuff which is worth money, like the ridiculously expensive cake mixer he bought me as a grand gesture last year. I would love to hear his reasoning behind that - he's never made a cake in his life!

Mine decided he wanted the hair dryer, he has a grade 2 buzz cut all over. I just laughed and let him have it - ridiculous men

Kettle, toaster, toastie maker, slow cooker, iron (if you use one!), microwave, airfryer(maybe a bit ambitious there😁).
Tin opener....corkscrew!...like I wrote, the essentials 😁

Definitely have all paperwork long gone before the move as suggested, photos too...anything of value that he would take to mess with you.

I would ask him if HE will be making cakes for the children, in the mixer that he GIFTED you for your birthday. If so, then please have it.
Actually they take up so much room he may not have room for it in his poxy kitchen !!!
re stashing small stuff. There are loads of things, that added up accumulate to a small fortune. bathroom scales, bins, brooms, cleaning products etc.
shoes brushed, bike pump, basic tool kit, torch, etc etc
the more you can stash the better

@Bluebeanbag

I read your thread as I follow jamais thread. You are doing a great job. Mumsnet is a godsend isn't it.

It took me 3 years to get divorced from my exh. He was avoidant and delayed so I know how it feels. He proposed to ow within 6 months of walking out and then told me to use my maiden name. Toxic men never think of the children.

Slow and steady wins the game though. I know you want to be out of the toxic environment so do whatever it takes. BUT do not hurry your financial separation. It's so important to get right.

I thought I would come along to tell you that the judge threw out my first consent order as it wasn't fair to me. Basically told us to go back to the drawing board.

This is why it is important to get a forensic accountant perhaps so the judge can see the truth behind. Go on companies house to dig out his accounts maybe to prove he is deliberately skewing his income for that divorce proceedings and that his earning potential is far greater than he is declaring. Evidence is evidence after all.

Keep strong. I promise one day you will realise you haven't talked about divorce for weeks.

He wants the cake mixer that he bought for you. God he really is mean, little man. I'd remind him that it was a gift and normal people don't demand gifts back.

I second this comment about your getting a forensic accountant.