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Original poster

Plucking up the courage to leave.

1000 replies

Bluebeanbag · 19/06/2022 07:22

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 21/02/2023 19:07

So, first actual lie I've heard him tell about me... I've just overheard him talking on the phone to a friend and saying that when I've had a few drinks I turn into a 'right bitch'. He also said that I drink quite a lot. I'm half completely shocked at the bare-facedness of it, but then, also not surprised that he has said this. He clearly has to justify our splitting up in some way to his buddies, but without taking any responsibility as per.

For the record, I sometimes drink a glass or two of wine over the course of a weekend and have the odd (very rare) night when I will drink a few more than usual but then regret it because my body can't take the hangovers any more 😆 Since we split up in July I've hardly drunk anything because I want to have my full wits about me.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 22/02/2023 15:49

Bluebeanbag · 21/02/2023 19:07

So, first actual lie I've heard him tell about me... I've just overheard him talking on the phone to a friend and saying that when I've had a few drinks I turn into a 'right bitch'. He also said that I drink quite a lot. I'm half completely shocked at the bare-facedness of it, but then, also not surprised that he has said this. He clearly has to justify our splitting up in some way to his buddies, but without taking any responsibility as per.

For the record, I sometimes drink a glass or two of wine over the course of a weekend and have the odd (very rare) night when I will drink a few more than usual but then regret it because my body can't take the hangovers any more 😆 Since we split up in July I've hardly drunk anything because I want to have my full wits about me.

Gosh.
And that's just a lie you've overheard.
I wonder what he's saying when you're not listening.

Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 22/02/2023 19:40

He was openly talking on the phone in the kitchen, so must have known that I would hear him. Perhaps that was the point. Just trying to wind me up. I get home tonight and he's done all the ironing 🙄🙄 Just so much game-playing. I'm so glad I can see it now.

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 22/02/2023 19:54

@Bluebeanbag if they’re his friends, who cares what they think? It’ll be a momentary item of interest and then they’ll move onto the next thing. Your friends know the truth.
Koko! And have a lovely big bunch of 💐 from us!

Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 22/02/2023 21:08

No, you're right, I don't care. What struck me quite strongly though was the fact that I've heard this all before, about his first wife. It makes me realise that probably most of what he's told me about her is untrue. It's like listening to a playback of the same recording. The words and expressions match exactly.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 22/02/2023 21:39

Bluebeanbag · 22/02/2023 21:08

No, you're right, I don't care. What struck me quite strongly though was the fact that I've heard this all before, about his first wife. It makes me realise that probably most of what he's told me about her is untrue. It's like listening to a playback of the same recording. The words and expressions match exactly.

That's interesting.
He's almost ready to move on to the next one, isn't he?
And she will have to listen and sympathize about his previous awful wives.
My ex used to try to tell our children what a liar I was; fortunately they knew jolly well that it wad he who was the liar.
They're NC with him now. His fault.

TheShellBeach · 22/02/2023 21:40

WAS not wad.

Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 25/02/2023 12:27

Sorry everyone, another vent. I'm SO angry! He's just come upstairs to tell me I have a nice letter from the tax office. He had opened the letter because he knew I was about to get a tax rebate. He said he opened it because he thought it was just nonsense from the tax office. It was a cheque for my tax rebate and I'm imagining he wanted to know exactly how much I was getting.

On what planet????!!! FFS! Trying to remain grey rock but seriously tempted to go and tell him what I think of him right now!

OP posts:
Backofthenet20 · 25/02/2023 14:31

How dare he open your mail? That must be illegal. Just another way to try and control you perhaps you can redirect it to a parents house or get a pist office box

TeapotCollection · 25/02/2023 14:40

Not allowed but I bet he knows that 😡 agree with ^ get it directed elsewhere if you can

How fucking dare he!

Keep going, we’re all behind you. Might not feel like it right now but you’ve got this, you can do it 💪

goody2shooz · 25/02/2023 15:12

@Bluebeanbag Oooh He just keeps on showing you that he is 100% wankbadger and you’ll be SI much better off without him. As @billy1966 said a while back, get everything you really value out of the house and if you can redirect your mail do that asap. There is something you can do to avoid the letter confirming the redirection coming to your present address where there is domestic abuse but sorry, I don’t know what - no doubt some better informed person will be along soon to advise!

Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 25/02/2023 21:58

Thanks all. Feeling a bit calmer now. Went out for a long dog walk with a friend after delivering some boxes of stuff for her to store in her garage.

I'm wondering whether I could get the post redirected to my work 🤔

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 25/02/2023 22:14

Ooft, yes defo get your mail redirected - he can’t be trusted.

RandomMess · 25/02/2023 22:22

You could accidentally redirect his too 🤣🤣🤣

2022NewTimes · 26/02/2023 00:18

Bluebeanbag · 22/02/2023 21:08

No, you're right, I don't care. What struck me quite strongly though was the fact that I've heard this all before, about his first wife. It makes me realise that probably most of what he's told me about her is untrue. It's like listening to a playback of the same recording. The words and expressions match exactly.

@Bluebeanbag Just be aware - when you complete a redirect they send a letter to your address.......

Make sure he does not open it 😅

Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 26/02/2023 06:44

@RandomMess what a terrible mistake that would be 😂

OP posts:
Mix56 · 26/02/2023 14:24

It doesn't matter if he knows where you redirect your mail, the point is, he won't be able to read it

Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 26/02/2023 14:59

@Mix56 true. I'm feeling quite resentful of the fact that it's another thing I'm going to have to pay for because of the wankbadger's lack of respect.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 26/02/2023 15:27

That's why we have been encouraging you to get every penny you can from this selfish, lying, manipulative, abusive, private mail reading, arse!😁

Mix56 · 26/02/2023 15:36

I sympathise, but at least you will smirk & know he will seeth !
just slit open all his mail, see how he likes it !

Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 26/02/2023 22:00

@Mix56 I am sorely tempted. Unfortunately because he is sitting on his arse at home all day when I'm out at work, he always gets to the post first.

Thinking actually I might need to look into this tax rebate because it's come via his accountant and his company. He originally said I would be getting double what it ended up being, which seems a bit suspect to me.

Heading for another argument later this week as it will be time to pay the bills for Feb. He's going to ask me to pay more for the utilities because of wanting to get his credit money back from bills paid in the summer. I shall refuse to pay more than I usually do, but I don't know if there's anything he can do to get back at me. I'm sure there will be.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/02/2023 22:28

Tell him to take the money out of the rest of the tax rebate you actually should have got.

billy1966 · 26/02/2023 22:41

You know opening your mail is just more abusive behaviour.

Definitely mention it when you are on to HMRC when you are checking it out.

Likewise have it noted by your solicitor.

Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 26/02/2023 23:48

Thanks @billy1966 I will definitely do both those things. The fact that he was so gleeful when he announced the figure on the cheque as he handed it to me also rang alarm bells.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/02/2023 00:00

Was he gleeful because it was only half what he told you to expect?

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