Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

@RandomMess yes, you may be right. He's so socially isolated though, I can't see how he would find anyone. Not my concern though.

@goody2shooz absolutely! The solicitor said that I hold the power in this situation at the moment, which was also good to hear. I have made an offer which is more than fair and he is dragging his heels.

@Bluebeanbag - for won’t of a better cliché, just keep calm and carry on! You’re getting better at grey rocking him and your time will come when you are free of him and the tension you’re living under. Joy!

@goody2shooz it's his birthday tomorrow and he's been deliberately very vague about what he's doing or whether he wants to do anything with the DC. It's been left as my day with them, but he has said he 'wants to see them'. I foresee trouble. I'm preparing the grey rock now.

@Bluebeanbag hilariously my stbxh has also dropped a fair bit of weight and has been dropping pointed comments about refreshing his wardrobe now he's so slim 😂😂 it's massively cringe and a struggle to keep a straight face. So glad it's all part of the script and right on cue!

Hope all continues to progress with the consent order.

@Bluebeanbag

I thought when you said he's been working like a demon he's actually been working but alas it's only exercise so I take it he's still mooching off you;what's he going to do when you're not living together anymore?;he's going to have to find someone else to cocklodge with now.

No actual work. His last shift was 8th October. A mutual friend told me that his workplace have been desperate to fill gaps, so it seems that he has actively been turning work down.

Of course he has, it's all done so he can demand a bigger share of the marital pot and run down current joint account and savings.

Sooner you move out or get an occupation order the better as he'll have to start paying his way.

He doesn't want to have a to pay maintenance!

He is a nasty vindictive man

As far as I'm officially aware, we don't have any savings. However I have a feeling he has been secretly saving money from what he has earned over the past few years. I would imagine he is now running this down by using it to pay the bills because he is worried that I will try to claim half.

This is a birthday card to him from his brother which he pointedly placed in the living room yesterday whilst giving me direct eye contact. I was really upset and angry about it last night. I'm trying to rise above it and not let it get to me today. I think it says it everything about their mentality around women.

Don't allow that stupid card to upset you.

Your post about him strutting around the house with his top off made me laugh, what a moron.

Don't allow small unimportant things to wind you up, remember to keep your eye on the main goal, getting rid of this waster.

Yes, you are right. It is unimportant in the context of the bigger picture. I do need to keep my eyes on the horizon.

I'm going to look at a house tomorrow. I know I'm not really in a position to do anything just yet but I thought I would start the ball rolling and just get a feel for different areas.

Hes using the card to put you in your place. You have a couple of options.

Place all his cards in his bedroom or dining room. The lounge is only for cards to the children as its a general social space.
Buy some flowers, place overflowing vase next to card so most of it is hidden.
Buy yourself a "you go,girl!" type card next to it. Ask a sympathetic or recently divorced colleague to write in it.

There are ways 😉

Absolutely start looking at new houses even if you aren't going anyway yet;as corny as it sounds maybe start a Pinterest board with these houses plus a few other things eg potential odd bits of new furniture,paint colours,wallpapers,garden ideas etc to give you something to focus on for when you do get your own place;use it as a future focus.

😂😂 @Pixiedust1234 I love it! I have actually got a card which my friend gave me a few weeks ago saying 'thinking of you'. She wrote a lovely message about being strong. Perhaps it ought to find it's way into the living room 🤔

@thenewduchessoflapland I have been building lists on rightmove so far, but daydreaming on Pinterest sounds appealing 😊

Thank you all for your presence here. Your comments really help me to feel like my feet are on the ground and I'm NOT crazy.

You are definitely not crazy. I like the Pinterest idea. Keep your eyes on the prize and you will get there.

Had another viewing on the house yesterday. Just had a call from the estate agent to say it went VERY WELL and that the couple really liked it but they wanted to discuss it over the weekend and will give formal feedback on Monday 🤞🏼

Otherwise, it's been a busy week at work and I haven't really had time to breathe. Stuck in the spare bedroom today avoiding contact as much as possible. I will probably go out this afternoon to get some breathing space.

He wants a list of my bills for October so that we can split all bills 50/50. He's under the impression I don't really pay for much but he's going to see that actually there's not much in it.

Make sure all the kids stuff is listed. School meals, uniform, necessary trips, bus fare. The whole lot. Leave nothing out, not even for a packet of tissues.

Good luck for Monday!

@Pixiedust1234 thank you. Had a very calm and reasonable conversation with him via text last night about bills. We have agreed on how to split them and I'm happy that it's fair. I've woken up this morning feeling really anxious again though. I'm questioning why he's being so reasonable and pleasant all of a sudden. I feel like he's got something up his sleeve that he's going to spring on me.

Perhaps he is suddenly going to come up with the money to buy you out as he's got hidden savings or he is going to run up debt on bills in your name?

It's awful that you can't trust him!

@RandomMess can you imagine?!! 🙈 I'd love him to buy me out because it would save so much grief, but I know for sure he doesn't have that kind of money in savings. He may have some which will cover bills for a few months but not enough for the house.

Absolute zero trust. I know how he's treated other people in the past and the kinds of tricks he pulls so I know what he's capable of. I think the only saving grace is that he doesn't want to appear to be the bad guy, so there is a limit to what he can get away with.

Not much to report here. H is being over the top friendly and helpful at the moment. It's actually making me feel ill. He's making me cups of tea, texting me to ask me how my day is, asking me if I mind if he cooks a roast dinner. I'm not sure what his game is.

He owes me some money for bills and I have got theatre tickets booked for the weekend after next, which I haven't told him about yet, so we'll see if he's still being nice after I mention those two things...

Haven't heard from my solicitor so I think I will have to chase her up tomorrow on what's happening.

Hello OP. I posted way back on this thread so it's still on my list of watched items and comes up from time to time.

I wanted to post again and say I think you're an absolute trouper. You first posted back in June, which feels like a very long time ago now. And since you had that scales falling from the eyes moment which is always so painful, you've never wavered even though you've still has to put up with living in the same house as him for a clear four months. It's hard for anyone who hasn't been in a similarly unenviable situation to imagine how difficult that must be.

You've really held your nerve and acted in your own and your children's best interests throughout what must have been a horrible limbo, and a feeling that you might never be free to move on.

I'm full of admiration for you. Managing to hold your nerve and cling to your resolve as you just have is no mean feat. Keep hanging on for as long as it takes. You WILL come out on the other side of this.

🌹 🌺 🌸

@MarieIVanArkleStinks I remember your username from that previous post 😁
Thank you. It does feel interminable at the moment, like wading through treacle. When he's being nice it also leads me to question myself on some level, but never to actually reconsider my decision. It just adds another layer of frustration I suppose. Thank you for staying and offering your support for all these months. I look forward to the day when I can post an update saying 'I'm free'!

I’m sure I speak for all of when I say we are looking forward to that update too! That day will come 💐