Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

You need to start the wheels in motion to force sale of the house. I'm sure I predicted this!

Forcing sale of the home takes a long time so start now. Ensure the sit of mortgage payments, settling fees etc forms part of the divorce financial settlement.

RandomMess I believe you did! He is trying to hang on to the last vestiges of control. I will call my solicitor tomorrow and arrange an appointment.

All the things you mention are part of the Consent Order but he has refused to agree to it as it stands. He has told me all the things he disagrees with (everything except the 39/61 split) but nothing further has happened. I think he is expecting me to go back to my solicitor and ask her to amend it so that it says what he wants!!

When I speak to her next week I will update her on everything and ask her to advise on next moves.

At which point reject the 39:61 split and tell him you will take it to court.

He will just string it out and bully you repeatedly.

Have you looked into an occupation order? The house will not be sold quickly because that is not what he wants.

If you are having to go to court to force the house sale you may as well get hung for the sheep as for the lamb (or whatever the saying is) and go for 50-50.

I believe all costs come out of house sale BEFORE the split but again get it locked down via a judge. Your ex has shown he wants to play so stop playing, you won't win. Its going to be cheaper in the long run to take it all to court in one big package rather than dribs and drabs.

I agree with the other poster. You are doing great considering this thread is only 4 months old. You've got this

So a manic day at work meant that I didn't get to call my solicitor. Will try again tomorrow. @Pixiedust1234 @RandomMess you both make good points. I will discuss ways forward with the solicitor. I am feeling strongly tonight that whatever I do, it's going to invite more nasty behaviour. Why is he such a dick and why am I such a wimp?! 🤯

I really wish I could just stand up to him. I sat in the car for 40 minutes outside the house tonight because I was too scared to come in while the kids weren't back. I feel frustrated with myself for being so pathetic.

You are having trauma responses to years of being conditioned to his abuse.

Please speak to Rights of Women.

Anytime you assert your or the DC rights of needs he is vile. It's who he is, that is why you are ending it. This is why you need the support of Woman's Aid and to liaise with Rights of Women to use the law to protect you and the DC from his ongoing abuse.

Speak to the school let them know how bad things are for the DC at home.

You're not a wimp and you're not pathetic. You're protecting yourself from heading into a situation that is uncomfortable and miserable, and that's valid. If a dog bit you, would you happily stroke it every time you saw it after that, or would you recoil?

My stbxh has largely given up now, we've finished mediation with agreements in place. But I still have to steel myself before going into the house, especially if I don't have the kids with me. It's entirely understandable, and we will both be out of these situations in the near future 💐

@RandomMess I have been in contact with the DC's schools since the beginning of September. Both their class teachers know about what is going on. Counselling has been offered by both schools but both DC have said they don't feel like they need it at the moment.

I have a friend who used to work for Women's Aid and she has given me a contact number for someone to speak to. The last time I called them they were really unhelpful and just told me the situation wasn't bad enough to warrant any support from them. I will call this contact next week though because in the future I may need evidence of support I have sought.

@Monkerina you're right but I get so frustrated with my own behaviour sometimes. I can't seem to stop it no matter what I tell myself.

Absolutely agree.

This is a very tough situation and he is such a nasty pig, I cannot imagine how hard this all is.

But there will be a time soon when you will walk into a home that he will not share and the peace and happiness that awaits you and your boys will be extraordinary and you will then be able to refuse and interaction with him bar about the boys.
You will be able to insist all contact through an email address and your boys will undoubtedly pull away from him and you will be free.

You will be free and you will have peace.
Hold on to that.

But if he ramps up or is abusive, you must call the police and keep yourself and the boys safe.

If you need help with legal advice around the children then Coram Children's Legal Advice Centre are great. I spent so many nights trying to get in contact with Rights of Women and could never get through. So I tried Coram. You can email them or call them, but you can also set up a 1 to 1 phone call for £25 at a specified date/time. I did the latter and they were so helpful. I'd thoroughly recommend them. www.childrenslegalcentre.com/get-legal-advice/child-and-family/

Also, if you aren't getting anywhere with Women's Aid, then either find out who your local DV organisation are and speak to them or call The National Domestic Abuse Helpline (you can also contact them online and they will correspond with you via email). The local one might be helpful as they can also give you a support worker who can help support you while you extricate yourself from this.

@GottaBeStrong thanks. That's really helpful. I haven't tried all these different avenues yet.

@billy1966 I have been able to keep holding that hope in front of me up until this week. It just suddenly feels as though everything is conspiring against me: no interest in the house, local housing market has completely stalled (according to the agent) and the wider economic and political situation look appalling. I feel like the dreams of a more peaceful life are receding by the day, while this hideous state of limbo is being drawn out further and further. Maybe I just need to go back to small steps and try to stop looking at the bigger picture.

This is where @RandomMess advice regarding the occupation order comes back into play.

You have done so very well.

Look at the advice suggested to you by @GottaBeStrong via other organisations.

One day at a time.
Reach out to family and friends, let them know you are faltering.

You will get there.

He's made it clear he won't sell for a market value price: start the ball rolling for the order to sell, it's going to take a while so start now. He's getting more aggressive, you need out of there.

Wow I was just reading this thread all night and most of my morning. Thank you for sharing this here - I’ve just started the process with a really abusive husband and literally everything down to the OTT reaction and crying (by him) is the same. You’re helping me prepare for what’s coming up but fore warned, fore armed!

I’m in awe of how incredibly strong you are and how far you’ve come. Wishing you strength x

If you can't get an occupation order then move out into rented.

As you are leaving an abusive relation you will be eligible to apply for means tested housing benefit providing you can evidence you are actively divorcing/sorting out marital assets. You would stop paying the mortgage and all that would be sorted via the divorce financial settlement.

He is going to stall the house sale massively as that is his control over you. He will continue to abuse you and the DC the whole time.

Please speak to Rights of Women as a priority he is now being coercive by refusing to market the house at a reasonable price. He would rather see his DC suffer.

@RandomMess what you say about rental sounds like a possibility. I will talk it over with the solicitor versus the option to get an occupation order. What happens with mortgage payments with an occupation order? Do they continue as normal? He would presumably have to rent somewhere if he was forced out so he couldn't afford mortgage payments as well.

@GirlWithNoName18 thank you. I felt the same about a thread which I read back at the beginning of all this. Reading about someone else's experience completely opened my eyes to what was going on and pushed me into taking that first step. Stick to your guns and get as many people as you can irl to be your safety net. Wishing you strength also 💐

Once you got an occupation order then he would have to pay maintenance though

Seriously if you are eligible to apply for an occupation order than do that. If you aren't then you can go into rented.

You could ask for a mortgage holiday or similar. For your mental health and your DC emotional well being he needs to be out.

He has family he could stay with, he could go into a house share short term.

Contact the National abuse helpline, you can send them a non traceable message and you can choose how the contact you bk, email, text or call at a time suitable for you.
It's the single best thing I've ever done!

Domestic abuse isn't just violence, it's emotional, physical and non physical abuse

Also read this whole thread and have found it helped me get clarity on my own situation. Little did you think when you were inspired by the other threads that yours would then go on to inspire others. Well done, keep on going, I am amazed to see how far you have come in such a short time

Little update. I have been feeling stuck in this limbo for the past few weeks just going day by day but not feeling like anything is progressing.

But, I had an appointment with my solicitor today and we have a plan! Unbeknown to me my solicitor sent the draft Consent Order to his solicitor as well as directly to STBXH back at the end of September. They contacted her soon after to say they were having a meeting with him on the 4th October and they would be in touch in due course. My solicitor has heard nothing since. She is going to chase them up and ask what the outcome of the meeting was. If he hasn't instructed them, she is going to write to him directly and tell him he has 7 days to respond to the draft Consent Order after which we will make an application to the Court.

I also raised the fact that STBXH has been going on about splitting the proceeds from the house BEFORE paying off the mortgage, estate agents and solicitors. He wants us to pay 50% each of these costs after each taking our proportion. This would mean that I would end up significantly out of pocket compared to him. The solicitor reassured me that this would not be the way in which the money was split. She said that parties always take their share of the net proceeds after discharging these costs rather than the other way round. I have been worrying about this a lot but she has really put my mind at rest.

It feels good that something has happened today.

STBXH is being civil at the moment although is behaving oddly. He is working out like a demon; on the rowing machine every day and doing loads of weights. Then he parades around the house with his top off and his muscles flexed
😱😱😱🙈🙈🙈
I'm laughing and cringing in equal measure. He made a big show today of telling DS1 in front of me, that he would even fit into DS1's new jeans because he has lost so much weight. Does he think I'm going to swoon at his feet because he is suddenly so devastatingly handsome?! 🤯😱🤯🙈🤦🏻‍♀️

He's on the look out for another mug to do it all that he can bully.

@Bluebeanbag so glad the solicitor has helped reassure you on some points. Knowledge is power isn’t it?! 💐