Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

OP you are being so strong to keep going the way you have since June (I have been following but not commenting) I am full of admiration

Two viewings booked on the house tomorrow 🤞🏼🤞🏼 And I'm going to see one in the afternoon.

The niceties continue and being around him is actually making me want to vomit most of the time. He's gone from extreme depression and hardly speaking, to snarling abuse, to saccharine friendliness and I'm just so utterly sick of it all.

He text me on Wednesday night to ask if I was OK because I looked 'a bit stressed'. I actually wanted to punch him in the face, but I told him I was just tired and under pressure from work.

It's my night with the DC tonight and DS2 has just run straight up to play a video game with him as soon as he walked in the front door (as per usual).

Mantra - eyes on the horizon, eyes on the horizon...

Hi Op, how did the viewings go?

Hi all,

@RobertsRadio the first one was a bit manky, but cheap and in an OK area. Didn't get the feels for it though. The second one was much better but slightly more than I may be able to afford.

However, the good news is that we have a buyer! They made an offer, he agreed to it (eventually and after some haggling) and we accepted it this morning!! I feel like I can start the search in earnest now. I'm going to see another one tomorrow.

I contacted my solicitor this morning as we still don't have a signed Consent Order for the financial split but she said she hasn't heard back from his side despite chasing them. We're not even sure whether he has instructed them. She said she will try again and emphasise the urgency.

H is being overly polite, considerate, friendly, even concerned about my wellbeing. It's making my skin crawl and tonight I think it has just dawned on me what he is up to. When I got in from work he had just sat down to watch the football with DS2 and as I walked up the stairs he called out, 'aren't you going to watch the football?' We have hardly been in the same room for months so no, I'm not about to sit in the living room watching the football with him, but I realised that by saying no, it makes me look like the moody/negative/grumpy parent whilst he is the bringer of fun stuff and joyful entertainment!

All I can hope is that the DC can see through his shite.

Fantastic news.

Eyes on the horizon.

Give him a false sweet smile back EVERY TIME in front of the children.

He's a very nasty man that you will hopefully no longer live with very soon.

You have made great progress.

Be very wary of him tryingvto put pressure on you to give him more equity.

Protect your boys.

Great news. Slow and steady steps in the right direction. Next year is going to be your year OP.

@billy1966 hadn't thought of playing him at his own game. Thanks 👍🏼

@HortensiaBlogs that's a lovely hope to hold on to.

That's good news about the the offer on your house.

God, he does sound creepy.

I think I would've been tempted to smile sweetly and say you would love to have the time to watch the footie, but working full time means you have things to do and how you were looking forward to the weekend to relax. It emphasises which parent is the hard working, wage earning, responsible one.

Hope you receive the Consent Order soon. You are doing so well

@RobertsRadio also a good retort 😁 I hadn't thought of him as particularly creepy, but now you mention it...

Things have not been so good today. There was always going to be a moment when his facade cracked and in a way, I'm glad, because it has demonstrated that it is just a facade.

He approached me about the Consent Order saying that he had instructed his solicitor not to respond to my solicitor when she wrote a month ago because nothing had been changed in the Consent Order.

I said that I have been paying half of the bills as he requested since 1st Oct but that I wasn't prepared to repay half of the mortgage if I was only going to be getting 39% of the house. He said that he has been paying the whole of the mortgage for the time we have lived here so why shouldn't I pay half now? I tried to stand my ground and argue my point but he just said, fine, the sale is off. He is using the same old bullying tactics again.

I know the advice from many of you is to get an order for occupation but he will still fight tooth and nail for every penny and he has threatened to start a custody fight again. If I have a long drawn out court battle on my hands that could end up costing me more than the difference we are arguing about. I'm thinking I should cut my losses and agree to what he wants just to get out of here.

Ok, a couple of thoughts.

You have said you think he is hiding money. Would it be worth the cost of a forensic accountant to find his hidden assets?

Or would the veiled threat to him about knowing about his hidden cash and including that in the financial order unless he pays the mortgage work do you think?

The other option is to say fine, you will pay half the mortgage, but claim 50% of the property and if he refuses the sale of the property it will go to court to force the sale. Tell him you will both end up worse off in legal fees but that will be down to him, and in the end he will be forced to sell, it will have just cost him a lot more. He is not working so presumably he only has a finite amount of savings.

@RobertsRadio I was thinking along these lines last night/this morning. It's a case of, do I take a gamble and call his bluff? He is still making mortgage payments (and other bills) so must have some money saved up somewhere because he has worked, at a guess, maybe three or four shifts in the past two months.

I emailed my solicitor yesterday to update her on everything so I'm waiting to hear back from her at the moment but I'd like to know how long it would take to go to court to force the sale and what exactly is involved. The doubt in my mind about this course of action is that it will cost us both a lot more and is it worth it? I would be making a point and standing up to him, but probably I would end up worse off financially than if I just agreed to what he wants.

Sorry, realised I repeated quite a lot of what I said before in this post! I really feel like I'm going round in circles with this.

I second the suggestion of employing a forensic accountant.

These are head-games, calculated to ensure you capitulate to the demands he set out in the first place. He's hoping the longevity of this unenviable situation will break you: akin to backing you into a hole and then starving you out.

This is about achieving the securest possible future for you and your DC. He wants you to conclude that it will be easier and cheaper just to cede the larger proportion of your joint assets over to him.

Don't play, OP. I think your interests lie in your solicitor (or an alternative one) taking a more robust stance.

And grey rock, grey rock, grey rock. I'd make any discussion of your finances as long as this living situation continues, completely off limits. Direct everything through your lawyers. Every time.

I'd be very tempted to call his bluff by making a "phone call" that you "didn't realise he could overhear" where you update your friend on how you've got a forensic accountant involved and they've already found hidden savings and they've only just started.

Sounds like your solicitor needs to be a bit more proactive here, OP. A really good person on your side would make all the difference in your difficult situation. 🙁

Op, I totally get you trying to weigh up whether the increase in legal fees due to delays against what you end up with from the sale of the house and obviously there are cases when it's better to just take the money on offer and move on. Plus I can only imagine how hard it is for you living with this man when your every instinct is to just be free of him.

But, I do think you do need to look at the short term legal costs, if you are able to make a reasonable estimate of what those will be, against the increase in the profit from the sale of the house and what that will mean in terms of your future security and the type of home you will be able buy for you and the kids.

You have already worked out that he is likely to end up with a bigger, more desirable property with his bigger share, plus his hidden savings and yet you will end up doing most of the childcare, so you do need to try and keep your focus on the best long term outcome for you.

Easy for me to say this I know, it's not me having to come home to that bastard every night, but I and others on this thread just don't want to see him financially screw you over so much that you don't recover.

See what your solicitor says, she needs to play hardball on your behalf.

OP, reread the thread.

He's a bully.

You are not just securing this for yourself but for your children.

How many posters write with regret of giving in and leaving themselves short?

Of mothers who gave in and children were left go without?

He is a horrible man who will have little regard for your children long term.

He will be out looking for a new wife/victim.

Forensic accountants are worth every penny.

You need to be going for every penny because once your divorce is through, I would bet my hat you will not get a penny more than he has to pay.

You and your boys will be dependent on YOU.

I hate him so much. I'm in bits again.

He's a vile bully, you know that.

Any doubts you had? He sure has evaporated them.

Utterly vile. Everything he is doing to me, he accuses me of doing to him. Apparently I am bullying him. I just feel like I'm at breaking point tonight (again).

Please speak to rights of women about and occupation order, this environment is bad for the DS' as well as you.

I'm just so scared he will pull out of the sale. I can't let that happen.

Well it won't be instant and he would only know if the outcome was successful.

He is going to hold agreeing to the sale over you and he pay well pull out of it anyway.

OK. I will try and speak to them tomorrow. Maybe things will look better after a night's sleep too. I'm just exhausted and broken tonight.