Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

OP, please do as @RandomMess suggests.

Please don't allow fear prevent you from doing what you need to do to protect your children.

He is abusing them through you.

The damage and internalised damage being done to them is dreadful.

You are their main parent going forward.

The worse the damage, the worse the potential long term affects on them emotionally.

You cannot stop a man who doesn't care about hurting his own children.

Please reach out to those that can help you stop him terrorising you all.

Op, you really need to take on board everything @RandomMess says in this post. Because I think you know that you will end up with most of the care and cost of the DC while he swans off with his 60% plus his hidden savings and you end up financially shafted which will impact yours and the DC's life. Never forget that getting your fair share financially is not just for you, it's for the DC too.

I do see your point RandomMess, I just don't want the DC to feel that I have wronged their dad by kicking him out. I'm really worried that he will manipulate them and they will believe him, as he has done with his mother.

He will manipulate them anyway.

You remain good, kind and speak to the with age appropriate TRUTH.

You challenge any shit they repeat and say "does that sound like the sort of thing I would do?" And so on.

Your eldest already has the measure of him.

Get an occupation order you can truthfully say "The judge at court decided Daddy's behaviour toward me wasn't ok and he had to move out"

I'm sorry OP, but the only person you are protecting is your abusive husband.

Certainly not your children.

As @RandomMess has written, they know a LOT more that you realise.

Children know the atmosphere they live under.

Even as small children without the language to articulate their family environment, they absorb it and in goes into their DNA.

It is often where lifelong MH, depression and anxiety grow from.

Your son sees his father speak abusively to his mum and sees her cry.

He well knows his father is not a good man, even if he can't say form the words.

I hope you've had a better day@Bluebeanbag

We had financial mediation today and it did not go too well. We have a decent amount of equity and assets, plus pensions- stbxh's is more than double mine, as he's older and started paying into it before we married (but given we've been married 9 years it's all joint anyway). He wants to keep his massive pension and split everything else 50/50; my offer is for him to keep his massive bloody pension but I'll want 60ish% of the assets. He is intractable and has spent a while this evening finding the cheapest possible houses in the area to 'prove' I don't have any need for more than 50% of our assets, and showing them to me in front of our 3 and 6 year old children. Who he only wants 1 night a week. Utter dick.

So the photos of the house were finally taken yesterday. H pretended that I hadn't been clear about why I was giving the keys to the estate agent and then claimed not to have received a message about the arrangements which I sent him on Monday. By Tuesday night he was raging about not wanting to have someone in the house on their own and refusing to give permission for the photographer to come round. After a lot of jumping through hoops, I managed to get covered at work for an hour and dashed home to supervise the photographer.

I do know what you are both saying about the occupation order but I honestly think it will make things worse rather than better. I also don't have the money for extra solicitors bills and I don't think I have the mental strength for that fight. I'm struggling to pay for everything as it is and I may have to drop my counselling sessions in order to pay for the solicitor. (I will be doing the UC application at the weekend.) I am being completely transparent and honest with the DC about everything and day to day (although the situation at home is unusual as they only see one parent at a time), we don't cross paths that much. Things have been fraught recently but most of it is still away from the DC's eyes and ears. Yes, there is an atmosphere but if we don't see each other it's no worse than it's ever been.

The occupation order is very cheap - only the court fees. Rights of women will help you for free every step on the way.

How can it be worse?

He is controlling you and abusing you and your DC daily. They don't feel safe and relaxed in their own home.

If he kicks off then you call the police and they will remove him.

Please find your backbone for your DC. He is never going to be reasonable, there is nothing you can do to placate him. He is an angry and abusive person.

You are immune to how bad this is and are trained to tie yourself in knots trying to placate him.

All that about the EA was just an excuse to try and fuck up your job and give him the pleasure of abusing you. Utter bollocks and you feel for it again. You being there didn't work in placating him, just made him move onto the next micro issues to abuse you over.

Are you going to take off work for ever viewing- he will insist.

The housing market and financial situation and him blocking the sale you could be stuck with him easily for a year. I predict it will end up in court.

Get wise NOW

Hope you’re getting on ok @Bluebeanbag. Must be even more difficult with the shenanigans about mortgages etc atm. Stay strong, and hope you’re ok 💐

The house went up for sale yesterday! I feel like this is quite a big step forward. We have the first viewing on Friday. H has agreed to let the estate agent conduct viewings while I am at work and then I will do Mondays, evenings and weekends.

The other fairly significant change is that since the weekend we have been communicating mostly by text message. This seems to be working because it is straightforward and practical (for now). I am sure the calmness will end again but I am thankful for it, even if it is temporary.

Oh wow, a big step indeed! You’ve been through such a lot, hope you have support irl as much as possible. Sending hugs and cake!

@goody2shooz thank you. I have some amazing friends and colleagues irl and I'm SO thankful for them. Every time I feel as though I'm about to crumble someone scoops me up and sets me straight again, whether it's on here or irl. Taking each day as it comes 🙏🏼

Great news, just hang in there

Great news! Hope you sell quickly and can start looking forward x

The best of luck.
Hope it sells quickly and well.

Fantastic news @Bluebeanbag. Hope the sale goes quickly!

@Bluebeanbag I've just read all your posts. At this stage you seem to be set on 39/61% but from what I can tell, no matter how reasonable you are, your h is still a manipulative arse. Go for 50-50 if your solicitor thinks it's reasonable. This period is going to be shit regardless, better to come out of it with more equity. I know it's so hard when you are in it to see the wood from the trees. Picture where you will be in 5 years

@Bluebeanbag If the settlement is not fair then the judge wont sign off the consent order

@2022NewTimes my solicitor has told me this too. I am just wondering how it would work if we had already sold the house before the judge gets to see the consent order. We can't lodge it at court until 13th January which is 20 weeks following his response to the divorce application. I will ask my solicitor when I next have contact with her.

Usually the solicitors hold the money until it's signed off.

Absolutely ask but don't tell him as he will kick off about it and refuse to sell.

I think you can agree not to complete until after end Jan - just make it clear to the buyers.

keep on… I remember how hard it was and how much I worried but you do get there, the kids will be fine, this will all be over and soon you’ll have a place just for you. 4 years since me and DD got our place and it’s still wonderful!

I'm so happy to read the house is finally on the market;OP this thread is about 4 months old now;it might not seem like it but you've come such a long way in that time;keep pushing forward;imagine where you'll be 6 months down the line;we're all rooting for you.

How are you doing @Bluebeanbag? Any viewings?

We have a final financial mediation session tomorrow and I'm both looking forward to it and dreading it in equal measure. STBXH has previously thrown things up in the air when he hasn't had his way (he wants to share some things equally, keep other things himself) and threatens to take the kids away from me when I don't go along, but I'm hopeful that we've hashed things out and can walk away with an agreement. Then just have to wait for it to come to fruition. I can't believe this has been going nearly 4 months now, and will take another 4 months at least for me 😔

On the bright side I'm looking at houses and have an excellent FWB, neither of which stbxh knows about 😁

@thenewduchessoflapland I hadn't read your post until today. Thank you. Sometimes it feels interminable. I came away from work today wondering how many more weeks/months I will have to dread going home every day. When you put it like that though, I have come a long way in 4 months.

We've had one viewing and the people were very interested but can't make an offer until they have an offer on theirs. Only the one viewing though. The estate agent said he thinks it is up for too much money. I fully agree with him. H went over my head and insisted that they put it on for £25k more than it was valued for. He told me the other day that he's not going to 'sell it for silly money' and that he has put too much into the house to just give it away. He said if we can't sell at the price he wants for it, we should rent it out 😱😱. If it came to it, I would push for an order to make him sell but I just smiled and nodded and said that it was food for thought to keep him quiet.

In actual fact it has been pretty quiet for the past 10 days. He threw his toys out of the pram tonight because I wasn't home by some predetermined time he had in his head, to cook the DC's dinner but I just ignored the tantrum and he stomped off upstairs.

There is a future argument which we will be having but again, I'm leaving it on the back burner until such time as it needs to be dealt with. He wants to split the proceeds of the house and then pay half each for mortgage repayment, solicitors and estate agents fees. I want to pay these things with the money from the house before splitting what's left. Ultimately, he wants me to accept 39% of the proceeds but pay 50% of the mortgage which will leave me significantly out of pocket in comparison to him. He really is a piece of work eh?!

@Monkerina I'm glad things seem to be looking brighter for you. Hang on in there. 4 months will be gone before you know it 💐