Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

Big hugs

He is doing an amazing job of showing the DC exactly who is without you saying a word tbh.

You freeze because you've been abused for so many years you've be trained to believe him and listen to what he says.

Rely on him for nothing, be proactive on the divorce and the house sale. It's highly likely to end up in court regardless as he will continue to bully you.

Please speak to rights of women and ask about getting an occupation order. If he's physically out the house it will be much easier.

Oh you poor pet, I am so sorry.

Please do as @RandomMess writes, ring Women's aid, not for yourself, for your boys.

Please.

This is so awful.

He doesn't care.

He is abusing your children by subjecting them to listening to you being abused.

Please try and understand that.

When he abuses you, he abuses them.

Call them now.

You poor pet. I'm so sorry things are so hard and he is such a prick.

I am so sorry. I have no words to help you when its happening but please keep your eyes focused on the horizon. One step in front of the other, another day nearer to freedom

Thank you all. I'm feeling calmer again this evening (probably because he is out for once). I have given my keys to the estate agent so that they can let the photographer in during the week. The arrangements for the photographer were what kicked it all off today so I'm glad that's sorted.

Every night I go to bed grateful that I never have to have sex with him against my will ever again. I've finally stopped the nightmare.

Do you have another set of keys as I wouldn't be surprised if he "accidentally" locked you out!

Ah but the beauty is you don't have to do things his way any more, or even give a flying fuck that he cares 💅 isn't it a freeing feeling!

@RandomMess yes, I have sorted out another set. He would definitely pull that trick given the opportunity.

@Monkerina I don't feel free of it yet but I can see the day coming when I will be.

I’m typing here because I am desperate for support. My husband of 22 years (together for 26 years) told me a week ago that he wanted to move out. I am devastated. I have a 23 year old daughter and we live in California but are British citizens. This sounds a bit pathetic but I really love him. I’m 58 and not sure what to do. Thanks for any words of wisdom!

@cali2000 try starting your own thread to get advice that is specific to your situation. Just go to ‘relationships’ and click ‘start a new thread’

Oh my just read your whole thread and sending you so much strength down the internet. I can’t believe you are having to tolerate so much abuse. The freezing is a trauma response, don’t beat yourself up it’s not something you can change.

I think you need to start your own thread

@Pippylongstock love the name - she was my hero when I was little. I slept upside down in my bed and everything! Thank you for your support. Weekends just seem to be the worst at the moment. That said, I've had a lovely long bike ride with the DC this afternoon. I feel so much better when we are out of the house.

I wfh on a Monday but have been going into work anyway because I don't want to be stuck in the house alone with him. I'm sure he'll have something to say about that tomorrow because he thinks I should be at home getting the house in order ready for it to go on the market but there's no way I'm leaving myself open to more abuse like that. As far as I'm concerned it's all ready to go anyway.

He has a tendency towards OCD on top of everything else, which adds more pressure because he has such ridiculously high expectations about cleanliness and tidiness. I'm ignoring this now though. If he wants it cleaned to his standards he can bloody well do it himself.

Oh @Bluebeanbag I've been in and out of the thread when I can, and as others have said, please try to ignore all the bullying. He wants to get to you, and ignoring him will stop him getting what he wants. Your son sounds absolutely lovely, protecting his mum. Both of mine do this in a very subtle way. My dh isn't behaving like yours, but he does what he does in a different way, it's hard to describe. But my sons see him lazing around in his dressing gown, then occasionally doing some washing up or hanging washing on the line as if he's doing just enough to avoid criticism, and I know they can see through that. I can tell they want me to find a way to be happy. Keep going mate, you are so far on your way and as I've said before you are an inspiration for so many of us who find ourselves stuck and too scared to make the leap. You will do it and life will be so much better for you. Sending you a massive hug x

@19Bears I am really touched by your message and so grateful for your support, thank you. It's really hard to put your finger on what the behaviour actually is sometimes. I used to come away from conversations feeling stupid and that I'd been made to feel like a child. Then if I ever brought it up he would just dismiss it as me being crazy or imagining things. He's doing the same things now, but it's just that he's gone to extremes so it's more obvious I guess. Like your dh, there are so many non-verbal ways in which they undermine you that it's difficult to describe it to someone else.

I hope anyone in a similar situation can benefit from what I'm living through just now and see that it can be done, however bloody hard it is. Once you're on that road, there's no going back and despite everything I am SO glad I did this.

I’ve read your entire thread and am commenting on MN for the first time ever! My message is: keep going! My BexP (b-st-rd ex-partner) was practically identical to yours (abusers follow very similar patterns), with some random violence thrown in, and I was also very vulnerable to being manipulated (he clearly hadn’t selected me at random). But I did it! I left him 18 years ago (after 17 years together) and I’ve never looked back. I still, to this day, relish my peaceful house where I don’t have to look over my shoulder or walk on eggshells, and nobody tells me I’m worthless, or mad, or too sensitive. Contrary to his predictions, I am fine emotionally, socially and financially, because once beyond the reach of his criticism aimed at keeping me down and isolated, I was able to pick up opportunities and run with them.

Life is SO GOOD when you aren’t constantly double guessing what an abusive person is going to do next, working out how to appease him, ruminating on why he is being like this or being tortured by gaslighting.

I won’t lie, the first year was rough, but I got counselling and I survived. It has all been entirely worth the temporary anguish. So whenever you have a wobble, please know that there are plenty of us who have been there and have come out the other side MUCH happier, and we’re all rooting for you.

@Dionysiana wow, thank you! I'm so glad life is good for you now. It's so heartening to hear this. And thank you for making this your first ever post!!

H has said a lot this weekend about how I won't be able to cope financially without him and made threats about wanting half of all bills backpaid to him from June (when this all started). He did get in my head again with the stuff about not being able to cope financially, but I just thought to myself, well what's the alternative? I'm not going to stay with him so he can pay the bills am I?! 🤯

I've had financial advice and got a decent MIP on my wage so I know he's only trying scare tactics.
I'm really looking forward to that moment when I can shut the door in my own house and start to heal from all this.

Fuck him and his back payments. You aren’t divorced yet so your domestic arrangements haven’t changed. And great that he’s so concerned about your future financial viability whilst simultaneously trying to sabotage it. How come they all trot out the same script? Is there an online course? With hindsight, I would advise you not to be ‘kind’ about finances. I actually got taken to the cleaners because he knew how to trigger my guilt: even so there’s nothing I regret about leaving him. It was all worth it to have a life.

Get the occupation order, get him out then step back on the 60;40 financial settlement he bullies you into. You have been together 20 years and have 2DC and you know you will end up with majority care and costs.

See how you agreed to what he wanted yet he's carried on with the abuse and financial fuckery.

You need a shit hot lawyer that has a proven track record of getting a fair financial settlement in abuse cases.

Also it's DARVO he's worried about coping financially without you!!

You will manage just fine.

Have you put in a claim as a single parent to Universal Credit?

@Bluebeanbag your post made me smile (ruefully) because my stbxh has trotted out the exact same lines! Household bills should be 50/50 (despite my earning less, because I do the majority of the childcare), I won't cope financially without him. It's nonsense, scare tactics, and designed to distract you from the fact that you can claim more than 50% of equity on the basis of need. Like you, I thought- the alternative is staying married, in THIS situation?! Bless his magnanimious soul 😂

@RandomMess no I haven't done the UC claim 🙈 I will put it to the top of my priority list.

@Monkerina I was told tonight that I should be showing gratitude for all the things he has paid for over the years - my car, building works on the house, holidays....the list went on. He just sounds so deluded at times. I actually think he is living in the 19th century. I have to keep reminding myself that my contribution over the years has been just as valuable because he negates everything I have put into building this home/family.

He received the draft Consent Order today which is what has given rise to this further nonsense. He said that it's a joke and how would I expect him to sign that? He says I am deliberately dragging things out by sending him a Consent Order which I know he won't sign. I told him to just send it to his solicitor and let them deal with it.

I also mentioned the fact that DC1 had heard everything he said to me on Saturday and that this was indirect abuse. He said - oh don't start giving me all that shit again - but pretty soon shut up after that so maybe it had an impact? Who knows?

@Bluebeanbag ha yes I've been told to be grateful for all he's facilitated too! No regard to the fact that I CONTRIBUTED TOO, and he doesn't recognise it at all 😂 to be honest it's actually really helpful to hear your stbxh has the same script as mine, because it just underlines how little veracity and authenticity there is to it. Hope he calms down soon. Don't give an inch.

I can only see things getting worse in the short term tbh. He is so entrenched in his view that he is right and I am to blame for this whole sorry mess (despite protesting that he has recognised his faults, which is laughable), that he is going to look for every possible way to try and punish me. I think I will have to find more strength from somewhere.

This is why you need to speak
to Rights of Women and ask about getting an Occupation Order - this is why this organisation and these orders exist to protect a adults AND children from abuse in their own home.

He is abusing the DC daily now with his behaviour - find your anger and do it for them.

He will likely argue over accepting an offer on the house, it could take months and months to sell. Wise up liaise with WA and RofW