Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

Thank you all for the advice. I think I will need to find someone else on Monday. I have called and emailed today and had no response to either. It's so frustrating because she has been so good in person and I feel like it's all going to take so much longer if I have to start again.

I felt it better to let H know what was going on rather than wait for him to ask, but this has just prompted an absolute torrent of verbal abuse. I have realised from what he said how much he has twisted everything. It's actually incredible. I know I should call the police when he does this but I just don't believe they will take me seriously. I also don't want to put the DC through the experience of witnessing that.

Sobbing on the sofa and feeling utterly destroyed by it all now 😥

Oh good grief hugs

Use this as the best lesson ever to not volunteer anything with DH. He doesn't have the same morality as you or anyone half decent. He's an abuser and an abuser will find anything to abuse you with. Anything. Its in their dna.

Your solicitor is beyond crap. Even if she gets back to you don't keep her on, she's not on your side at all. Enjoy firing her as it means you are exerting a new boundary of "dont mess with me". Go find another and explain you need to leave asap.

Oh I am so sorry.
You poor pet.

It would be HIS behaviour necessitating the police not yours.

I think you need to get back onto Women's aid for support.

That lawyer is a disgrace knowing how serious your circumstances.

Messing you around is unforgivable.

I am so sorry.

You are so doing the right thing divorcing him but I really think you need to report his behaviour to the police and ask 101 for advice.

I'm so sorry your lawyer has let you down, there really is no excuse when she knows your situation

Thank you for all your support and advice everyone. I am calmer now. A good cry and then bedtime routine for DS2 helped to normalise things again.

I'm going to spend some time this weekend getting the house ready for marketing photos and doing some research into alternative solicitors. Hopefully that will give me a bit more focus.

The sniping from H continued into yesterday morning. I ignored and got on with stuff. Managed to avoid him for most of the rest of the day.

Today, it's like he's a new man - offering to help with moving odds and ends to the shed, politely asking if I want to keep certain items. He couldn't be more different to yesterday. I'm just glad I can see all this for what it really is now - complete and utter manipulation.

Hugs

Imagine living without his head fuckery!

@RandomMess I am beginning to imagine...

@Bluebeanbag I'm so sorry to hear how stressful things are for you. If you're in the south I can recommend a really fab family lawyer.

Things are progressing with my divorce. Stbxh is still living at home with us and it is still mega awkward, but he has at least dialled back on the cornering me to tell me how horrible I am. We've attended mediation for childcare and turns out he only wants them for 1 weekend day and 1 weekend night a week 🤷‍♀️ which is a far cry from the 50/50 he originally demanded. The superdad act has fallen by the wayside, the kids don't even want (most!) of the bribes he offers them. Mediation for finances starts in 10 days and I expect him to fight a lot harder for his money than for his children 🙄

Stay strong, don't give anything away. Eyes on the prize and one day we will both be free of this situation 💐

@Monkerina I hope the mediation goes well. Thanks for your support. Solidarity and the knowledge that we are not alone in all this really helps with maintaining sanity!

Civility is continuing (for now). He has agreed to put the house on the market (finally), without waiting for the Consent Order to be drawn up. However, today my solicitor finally got back to me with humble apologies. She is sending me the draft tomorrow morning and all being well, his solicitor should have it within the next couple of days. Hallelujah!

Estate agent is booked for measuring up on Thursday after which we need to make an appointment for photos, then hopefully things will be moving.

Quick question. If the house gets sold before the financial side is agreed or even stamped by a judge who gets to look after the money? Where will you live if he quibbles over his % and strings it out for months? Please get it agreed by a judge before you let it go. Its your bargaining chip for you and your children.

Usually monies are held by a solicitor I believe.

It's a good point @Pixiedust1234. I had assumed as RandomMess says, but I will check with solicitor tomorrow. When I spoke to her today and told her the house was going on the market, she did not mention that it could be a problem.

I thought so. But what happens if you are still arguing for months who gets what %? You want 50% but he won't offer more than 20% . House is sold, money can't be split, so where and now will you live? You can't buy anywhere as the money is in dispute.

Surely its best to put the house up for sale AFTER the financial consent has been stamped by the judge. Perhaps I'm not explaining it properly.

Glad to see this is working out ok OP

@Pixiedust1234 yes, I do see what you are saying. I have agreed to the original 39/61% split after he threatened to drag everything out. I do realise that I am giving in to the bullying behaviour, but I am at a point where I feel that I need to cut my losses and get out, both for my own sanity and the sake of the kids. We have been living in limbo with nothing happening and frustration and nastiness increasing. Now we are actually taking steps to sell the house, things feel more positive.

My solicitor has advised that the consent order can't be approved by the judge until after the 13th Jan anyway, because that will be the next step in the divorce proceedings when I can apply for a conditional order. Until that date, the consent order will only be a draft even if we both agree to it. I don't think either of us could cope with the prospect of being able to do nothing at all until then.

Okay i see what you are saying. Please make sure your % agreement is signed and witnessed though as he could suddenly change the amount. Cross your t's and dot your i's at all times, he's shown you how changeable he is.

I'm glad the atmosphere seems to be improving at long last!

@Pixiedust1234 I am going very carefully through everything. I called my solicitor this afternoon to query a couple of things and she sorted everything while I was on the phone. She has said she will send him the draft of the consent order directly to speed things up (since he hasn't actually formaĺly instructed any solicitors).

I didn't imagine the quiet atmosphere would last long, and I was right. He has been speaking to me as if I were a child in front of Ds2 tonight over the fact that I was back home five minutes later than the DC. He got all uppity about the fact that 'he could have gone out' (chance would be a fine thing), and what would the DC have done then?! Er...waited five minutes in the car with their grandad. It's clear that I can't put one toe out of line because it gives him ammunition. I cut the timing so fine on getting home tonight because I don't want to be in the house on my own with him. Especially since last Friday he yelled at me to 'do some fucking work, c*', just before the DC got walked in.

He has also told me to take time off work so that I can be here to deal with the photographer from the estate agent. He has said that he is sick of 'having to do everything' when he doesn't even want any of it to happen. He is currently not working. He has not been to work all week. His next shift is a week today. I cannot easily take time off work so I am having to negotiate with my boss. I'm so tired of trying to reason with someone who is completely irrational.

Sorry, just needed a bit of a rant 😤

Drop the rope and stop wasting energy trying to reason with him.

Give the estate agent keys to handover to the photographer.

Problem is, that would cause another load of criticism because I'm not doing things the way he wants. He is still trying to control me as much as he can and it doesn't seem to matter what I do or don't do, he finds some way of telling me it's wrong. I am going to the estate agent tomorrow though, so I will ask them about giving them keys.

You need to stop thinking that you should do as he says and you should stop caring what he says.

Grey rock "I didn't ask for your opinion"

Ignore, ignore, ignore

He says "you're wrong" or any criticism and your response can be "it doesn't matter what you think anymore"

He continues to abuse you.

Stop paying any attention to what he says.

Walk away again and again.

Leave the room.

If he starts to shout, call the police.

But do not stand there and allow him berate you.

You are going to love your new life.

Stay strong.

I'm in such a mess today. Your lovely supportive comments are so valuable, thank you both. I wish I'd read them before standing there being abused and bullied again this morning. I just freeze when he starts. I don't know what to do or say. I think if I just don't say anything he will stop but he doesn't. I need to train myself to react in a different way. I will start with what you said @RandomMess :
I didn't ask for your opinion.
It doesn't matter what you think any more.

DS1 heard everything today. When I went to my room after it had finished, DS1 crept in and put his arms around me from behind. I jumped out of my skin because for a second I thought it was H playing some stupid mind game, but when I realised it was DS1 I started to cry and I couldn't stop. I apologised to him and said he shouldn't be hearing this stuff and I said that we would be OK in the end and that we need to just get past this worst bit. He seemed to be wanting to protect me.