Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

It's as if I need to be one step ahead of him all the time. I need to be able to predict what he will do in order to avert it, but the point is as you say @billy1966, he doesn't act or react in any normal ways. Case in point today which I am really kicking myself about.

Just before lunch DS1 text to say he had thrown up at school. The school called H because usually I am unable to answer the phone at work. I rang DS1 to see how he was and get the lie of the land (he has form for being a touch flaky about being 'ill'). He had thrown up due to being excessively anxious over something which one of his best friends had told him. This was a lot of information for him to volunteer - he is not usually this forthcoming. However, he was adamant that he didn't want to tell me any further details as it was private information and he didn't know if his friend would want me to know. Fair enough. I said that if I can help, I will always listen.

Here is where I made my mistake. Knowing that H already knew about the vomiting, I rang and told him it was due to anxiety over something his friend had told him, but that DS1 didn't want to say what it was. Cue verbal onslaught detailing how DS1 often opens up to him when he won't tell me things and that he would talk to him when he got home. I delivered DS1 home and then went to collect DS2 from school. When I got back, a very cocky and self-congratulatory H announced that DS1 had told him what it was about and that he (DS1) was going to tell me all later.

I asked DS1 how the conversation with his dad had gone and he said, 'awful. He basically lay on my bed and refused to move until I told him what it was about.' I feel sick that I have unwittingly exposed poor DS1 to this treatment from H. I don't know why I couldn't have predicted what would happen. I thought I was being a responsible co-parent by telling H about it all.

I told DS1 that no matter what his dad says, he doesn't have to tell me anything. I have apologised to him for making him vulnerable to H's bullying.

I'm furious with him for bullying DS1 like that in order to score points and try to look like the better parent. Absolute arsehole.

You need to stop conversing with him.

He's your ex and he will NOT co-parent with you so drop the rope and stop trying.

@RandomMess is right.
Stop any sharing.

He bullied his child, to extract information from him to score points against you.

That is the type of scum you are divorcing.

Let this be the last time you make that mistake.

He couldn't possibly genuinely care about his son and do that.

I hope you get that.

Decent parents wouldn't dream of doing that to their upset child, use them to score points.

He is utterly vile.

Don't allow your son's upset to be in vain.

Tell your Ex absolutely NOTHING about anything.

You are a single parent.

This is only further proof of how he will behave going forward.

Your children will not want to be around him, pumping them for information about you, to use against you.

They will see this and pull away.

Keep your eye on the goal.
The best deal possible.

Drop the rope totally on any further sharing with him regarding the children.

He is poison.

Keep going.

You are both right. I have massively reduced communication with him but clearly not enough.

You sound like a lovely mom and were trying to do right by your son, you couldn't have predicted Hs reaction

OP I have just read this entire thread and I have to say I think you are amazing. Don’t forget, him saying he will change means that he has chosen to behave the way he has behaved in the past.

Keep going forward and don’t look back!!! You are truly awesome!

It took me a long time to join the dots - long after I'd gotten out in fact - that after almost all of the arguments with Ex, something got mysteriously damaged. That thing was always something belonging to me. Never him.

One time my car window was smashed. He was all "Oh poor you, your poor little car. I'll pay to get it fixed for you, the police aren't going to get whoever did it"
Anyway I came back from the shop it was parked outside and pretended that they had excellent CCTV pointed right at where my car was parked and that they were happy to help by supplying it to the police if I reported it.

He went pale. And then I knew for sure.

Thank you for your kind words @Lozzerbmc @HereComesBaby2 I'm feeling very worn down by it all today. I can't seem to make myself go to bed at night because there is so much to think about and plan for and I'm becoming exhausted.

@ItsaMetalBand at each new revelation I question how could I have been so blind as to not realise what was going on but you're right, it's often only hindsight which allows clear sight.

I've got counselling tonight so hopefully that will help.

Thank you all for your support 😊

@Bluebeanbag have you thought about keeping a diary? For two reasons, one as a method of emptying your many thoughts and two as a log of all the issues, then if things do get messy and courts are involved then you can give dates etc. such as the school sickness issue. This was the best piece of advice my solicitor gave me, I only regret not doing it sooner.
Take care of you. It will get easier

@Memom I have been keeping a sporadic diary of sorts and I make notes of significant events with dates on my phone. I think you're right though, it would be a good idea to make this a more regular habit.

How are you going?

@Bluebeanbag ,hope your doing ok ❤️

It's been a difficult week. Things have escalated and I've had more verbal abuse and unfounded accusations thrown at me this week than I've ever had. When I said I didn't want to talk to him face to face I was told I was pathetic and overreacting (as usual). I have maintained grey rock (to his face) throughout all this but honestly he could pick a fight in an empty room. The fact that I am not reacting is driving him insane and invited more verbal abuse.

Finished the week with a positive though; my financial advisor came back to me with a very positive mortgage in principle offer and off the back of that I emailed my solicitor to give her the go-ahead to draft the Consent Order setting out the terms of the divorce. Once that's done, hopefully H will agree to put the house on the market and we can start moving forwards.

Off to a friend's for dinner tonight with the DC so it will be good to be amongst friends and be able to relax a bit.

Hope everyone on here going through similar is keeping their chin up 💐 to you all.

@Bluebeanbag oh wow op, you really deserve a medal for putting up with this git. Hopefully you’ll have a great evening with friends and they’ll bolster you to just keep swimming against the tide, knowing that better days will come. Please don’t hesitate to call the police if he makes you feel afraid for your safety though. You should be so proud of yourself 💐

@goody2shooz thank you 😊. Every day I feel grateful for everyone around me, including all of you, without whom I could never do this.

It sounds like you are doing very well in trying circumstances. I hope you enjoy your evening

I've been following your post for some time but don't think I've commented yet. Just wanted to say how much I admire you for staying so strong and seeing this through, I really hope it's all resolved soon x

@MyDogLucy thank you. It's so nice to know you are all there.

Very frustrating day today. It's been a week since I gave the solicitor the go-ahead to draft the Consent Order and I thought I might have heard something by now, so I gave her secretary a call during my lunch break. She emailed me back later on in the afternoon to say that my solicitor needed some more information from me before she could draft the Consent Order and that she was going to contact me, but that the secretary couldn't predict when that would be.

I was so disappointed to hear that it hasn't even been started. When I spoke to the solicitor last Monday she gave no indication that she would need any further information so I have no idea what it could be.

I haven't told H any of this because I know he will hit the roof. He's busy packing all his stuff since he is only working one shift a week at the moment. He's going to ask what's going on soon though and it will be my fault for choosing a 'crap solicitor'.

OP,

I think you need to call first thing and remind them you are trying to leave a highly abusive relationship and are presently living with this abusive man who bullies you relentlessly.

It is simply not good enough that she doesn't know when this order will be made.

If she doesn't have time to do the job, she should have the professionalism and decency to tell you so you can move on.

Its not good enough.

I would be calling Women's aid again for advice.

Be ready to call the police the minute he raises his voice.

You do NOT have to put up with this.

Stay strong.

@billy1966 my initial reaction was the same as yours, but I have been telling myself I shouldn't make a fuss because she is a partner in the firm and clearly under a lot of pressure etc, etc. The initial client care letter also stated that she wouldn't always be available to answer calls and emails straight away due to court commitments and other meetings so I felt like I shouldn't pester.

Now you've said that though, I do feel like my first reaction was right. I will call again in the morning.

This whole experience (divorcing H) has made me question a lot about myself and I am beginning to realise that the kind of reaction I described above (and possibly the reason why I ended up in an abusive relationship in the first place) could have roots in my childhood.

I feel like the ground has disappeared from under my feel and I am questioning everything I thought I knew about myself.

There's a big difference of one day and one week for responding though. I would start looking around for another solicitor as this one could drag it out for years the way she is going. Thats not good for your health or bank balance.

Keep talking to us. I'm sure there will always be someone here who can hold your hand while your world is spinning. You have got this you really have

That's a very good point. If she needed extra information in order to carry out instructions I would have expected her to contact me for that information within a day or two.

You are trying to get away from an abusive man and the last thing you need is a solicitor giving you the run a round.

I think emailing her office the above and other questions might get you quicker answers.

Asking her has she time to represent you in a timely manner considering you are living with your abuser and desperate to move things on.

Perhaps if its on paper it will drive the point home.

Please speak to Women's aid too.

You will be paying this woman good money, if she can't do it in a reasonable time it is simply not good enough.

You need to ask in your email why she didn't ask last monday when you spoke?

Her secretary having no idea when she would contact you is unacceptable.

You are terrified of your husband and made that clear to

Is this woman well regarded?
If she is then pressing your desperation might help.

Otherwise looking around for someone new might be wise, just in case.

This whole experience (divorcing H) has made me question a lot about myself and I am beginning to realise that the kind of reaction I described above (and possibly the reason why I ended up in an abusive relationship in the first place) could have roots in my childhood

Everyone is shaped by their childhood in some way, either good or bad.
You would definitely benefit from therapy/counselling to better understand this.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage (but didn't realise until we split) and it took 2.5yrs until I was ready for counselling as I knew it would be hard going.
What I didn't expect was how much of my life has been shaped bymy childhood - its been interesting but very tough to learn.

You are doing great - keep on going!

@Bluebeanbag I work in a law firm that also does Family and there's no way our Family partners would wait and take a week to do this kind of thing. They know how hard it can be and they push these things through properly. Don't be impressed by the fact this person is a partner, it's not all that to be honest. Most of them get there eventually. Push them and if they don't do what you need, replace them. Good luck.