Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

Child maintenance is set by the government via CMS anything agreed in court is meaningless as it can be ignored 12 months after court.

I would point out to him that as he is refusing to work full time it's clear you will get little maintenance for the DC and therefore you need a decent settlement to ensure you can house the DC as primary parent due to the uncertainty of his shift work or working away in the future.

Regardless the first step is to get all pensions valued as per
The divorce finance form - asset split cannot be done without it.

@billy1966 I completely agree. He is furious that I won't just agree to what he wants and his demands are making less and less sense. He asked me to come up with a suggested figure for maintenance payments earlier which we could then negotiate together 🤯 I said there was no way I would enter into any negotiation with him without an independent party present.

Unfortunately my solicitor hasn't responded to my last email which I sent on Tuesday and when I rang earlier this week, her secretary said she is away all of next week so everything is on hold for now.

He confirmed he had had the government email regarding the divorce but said he hadn't bothered to read it properly. I suggested that he might read it as it sets out clearly the next steps for us both in this process. I honestly think he believes I'm just going to give him 61% of the proceeds from the house and accept whatever paltry maintenance payment he suggests and that will be it.

Hope things are going okay @Bluebeanbag !

Things are rumbling on. Not much has changed as my solicitor has been away.

His family got involved in it all and told me I should be honouring our original title deed agreement. His mother told me she would always make sure that I and the boys were OK financially. She feels really sorry for him and thinks I should be letting him prove he can change. She has only got his side of the story but I don't have the energy or inclination to try and put mine across because she will always protect 'her boy' anyway. I'm focusing my energy on me and my DC's.

There have been more incidents of controlling behaviour and manipulation, but I am trying to keep my eyes on the horizon and not get drawn into arguments or stupid behaviour which drains me. It's hard enough as it is.

I have contacted a financial advisor who is helping me with mortgage advice and I also have a telephone appointment booked with my solicitor on Thursday. The solicitor asked me to get H's solicitors details so that she could write to them and start making progress towards a financial settlement.

I messaged H today to ask for these details and he has ignored my message. Reading between the lines, essentially he hasn't actually instructed his solicitor. He has asked them to draw up a Trust Deed for £600 which will lay out how we agree to split the collateral from the house. He wants this to be his only dealing with solicitors in the matter and therefore his only outlay to them will be £300 (because he wants to split the cost with me).

I've just arrived home and he hasn't mentioned the text. He is making dinner for the DC and doesn't seem in a particularly arsey mood. I am deciding what my next move is. If he won't give me any details of a solicitor then I guess my solicitor will have to write to him directly. I forsee more nastiness following this period of relative calm.

Thanks for checking in 😊

He is just trying to grind you down.

You are very wise not to engage.

Just remember that everything you get, you are getting for your children.

He would rip off his own children.
Pay his mother no heed.

Just do not hesitate to call the police if he becomes even slightly aggressive.

Neither you nor your children have to accept that.

Stay strong.
You are doing great.

Thanks for updating @Bluebeanbag . I'm guessing he's hoping if he doesn't deviate/talk from this deed you will capitulate and give him what he wants. I would mention, in an offhand manner, that a judge doesn't really need his input to make a decision as he will accept your version as the truth. That might put a rocket up his ass 😂

Keep strong, you got this

😂 @Pixiedust1234

It's a difficult balance. I want to fight for what is right for the boys, but I also don't want to enflame the situation for their sake. He is already manipulating them to try to place me in the position of 'bad guy'. He has more or less given up any kind of discipline and allows them to do what they want, leaving me to enforce rules etc. I'm worried that if I fight him tooth and nail he will do worse.

Painting you as the bad guy is exactly what he's trying to do, you're right. To his mother and anyone who will listen, I'm sure, he's the victim.

You are handling all this amazingly, stay strong for you and your kids, better days are coming 💐

I told him I wanted to go to a mediator to try to resolve things but he said that we need to have a figure in mind for maintenance payments otherwise there's no point.

I'm glad you realize this isn't the case.

I know things have moved on from page one, but: -

Firstly, if he threatens suicide you ignore it.

Never ignore it.
It's a myth that people don't mention suicide before they do it; they usually do and every time it must be taken seriously just in case.

Call 999 when he does it.
At the very least if you do this it might call his bluff and he'll stop doing it.

It'll also get him some help if he really needs it, and you can be confident that you don't have to worry about him in any other way with his mental health, as he'll be being dealt with by professionals, so it's not your problem and you've done your bit.

@HereComesBaby2 absolutely. I had to listen to my MIL describing how traumatised and devastated he was when she went to visit him. He truly has done a spectacular job of manipulating everyone in order to isolate me.

@OldFan I definitely take your point. I think a pp also mentioned calling an ambulance if he threatens suicide again. He is not in that frame of mind at all now and is going all-out to be as obstructive as possible, but if he returns to previous behaviours I will absolutely call 999.

He really has tried every tactic hasn't he. it's straight from the abusers hand book.
Do not agree to pay for or sign any deed he decides to get written up
Do not agree to 61/39 split.
Do not listen to his flying monkeys.
He cannot drag it out, a judge will decide.
Ever single move he makes just enforces the need to get DC away, to get as much money as you can, he is deliberately refusing shifts, says he is going to be primary carer, then adds he is going to be working long hours.. its nonsense.
One day at a time.

Oh @Bluebeanbag I feel for you. I'm in a similar position- told stbxh I wanted a divorce in early July (after a few months of couples counselling where it became obvious nothing was going to change and he expected he'd be able to browbeat/manipulate me into capitulation and going forward with the status quo), filed the online forms soon after as I wanted the 28 weeks to be up ASAP, now we're still awkwardly living in the same house with our two little boys. I've spent the summer trying to keep out of his way as much as possible, as whenever I don't have a child physically present he corners me to either beg me to try again, or berate me for how selfish and awful I am 🙄 grey rock grey rock

I have found a mediator- I looked into the government scheme which gives £500 to the cost of mediation for childcare then picked a local mediator involved with the scheme, then had an initial chat with her. She then invited stbxh to call her, he agreed to her being our mediator, we've each had separate sessions with her to set out where we are and next week we'll have our first meeting to hash out childcare.

Stbxh has always been minimally involved with the children- 6yo has ASD and they mostly do not get on, they rile each other up. He has hardly ever put him to bed (sounds daft but it's a 2 hour ordeal every night), never taken him to school, didn't come on his first day/sports day etc, hasn't been involved at all with ASD dIagnosIs/SENCO; he plays with 3yo on his own terms but again hasn't done any of the work in actually keeping him alive. Since I said I wanted a divorce he has obv turned into superdad, buying them sweets and books, bribing them to spend time with him, and obv wants 50/50. It's not going to happen and I'm dreading the mediation meetings but I would be doing a disservice to my children to not put thrif needs first.

Wow that was long! Just wanted to give you a handhold and let you know you are not alone. I am right here trucking along in parallel!

@Monkerina I'm so sorry to hear this. Hand holding right back. I'm glad to hear he has agreed to the mediator and I hope the meetings go as smoothly as possible.

My own DC don't have any SEND but I work with children who do, so I fully understand how it can take 2 hours to get them into bed! I wonder how your 6yo will react to your eventual divorce. Perhaps it will be easier for them to have one stable parent for the majority of the time if that's what eventually happens.💐

How are you doing @Bluebeanbag? Hope things have been calm and stable for you.

@Monkerina thanks for the check in. Sorry, it's been a busy few days. Things are relatively stable, although I always feel wary saying that because I never know when everything will flip and go crazy again. He has been out this afternoon and evening and I feel like a weight has lifted and I can breathe.

Friday was the deadline for him to respond to the divorce application and on Wednesday night he came into my room and gave it one final go. He said, 'I just want you to let me love you. It's so sad that this is happening and I promise I will change, I already am changing but it's not an overnight thing. I want you to know I love you so much and that's why I'm keeping my distance. I get frustrated at times which is why I get angry, but anyone would in this situation. If we split up we're going to end up hating each other.' At this point I said that we don't have to end up hating each other and that it doesn't have to be that way. I said we should be trying to work together as effective parents. He then replied, 'but it will be like that because you will do things that I don't like and I will do things that you don't like.' So essentially, reading between the lines, he was saying - you stay with me and I'll be nice, leave me and I'll be nasty forever.

Sorry, bit of a long waffle, but a part of me still feels like I need to check with other people that what I think he is saying and doing really is what he's saying and doing. I suppose it's years of conditioning by gaslighting. I find it hard to believe that I'm not making things up.

I didn't really say much else during the conversation but told him I wasn't going back on my decision at which he stormed off to his bedroom.

The other thing that happened on Friday was that I found my car had been keyed overnight. Massive scratch down the rear passenger door on the side facing the pavement. No other cars in the road had been done. I have a crappy car covered in dents and scratches, so I don't give a monkeys from that point of view, but I felt really upset and unsettled by it. It felt like someone was threatening me. I have reported it online but got an email this morning just saying case closed because there was no way of following up (clearly). I had asked for the police to contact me about it so that I could give them some background information about what has been going on but they just referred me to external support agencies 🤷🏻‍♀️

Still keeping my chin above water and eyes on the horizon though.

Sorry op it was probably him, my ex did that to me as well
He was seen by the postman doing it
He died last year so every cloud and all that

As Dory would say "just keep swimming". Well done for not giving in, he's proved he can't be nice for long.

I agree with above, it will be him who keyed it in anger. You know it, he knows it, most women know it. Difficult to prove though.

Clearly these conversations are now making me rethink the possibility of pushing for 50% because there's no way I'm going to take on the majority of parenting to that extent without 50% of the equity.
this is what you need to hang onto. You can’t rely on him to be fair- if he could sabotage your work by dropping Dc off to your new place and saying he has a shift and leaving, would he? Seems possible. You quite easily may end up with dc 70/30, you need to be able to look after your children. The worst scenario financially is 50/50 on house, he sets up 50/50 so no maintenance but then in practice cancels contact regularly /drops them over at no notice so you can’t plan your life, get to work, and also don’t get any financial support for near full time parenting.

OP,

I mean this kindly but you are going to have to try and accept that expecting even a modicum of decency in the divorce process with a man who has abused you for years is madness and really delusional.

At his absolute core, he is utter scum.

He can turn it on and off, at will.

Beseeching you last night to backdown, keying your car when you won't.

THAT is who he is.

I wouldn't trust one word nor assurance from him.

If you are silly enough to sign a poor deal for your children, I have absolutely NO DOUBT that he will still fxxk you over at every opportunity with childcare, to make your life as STRESSFUL as he can.

He will want to exert power and pay you back any way he can.

That is what scum does.

Log the car scratch with the police as happening directly AFTER your highly abusive husband tried to bully you into not proceeding with the divorce.

Join the dots and have it logged.
Tell family and friends what has happened.

Of course it was him.

The only position you should be assuming in this divorce, based on experience, is that YOU and YOU alone will be caring for those boys.

Anything else is spectacularly naive, and will bite you in the ass undoubtedly.

He is only going to become uglier, nastier, and more difficult.

He will become single minded in making things difficult for you, because that is what nasty abusive scum does.

Your best chance, and the best chance of your boys having a decent future, is you making every effort to get the best financial settlement so that your boys are taken care of.

I predict within a couple of years as your boys mature, they will pull back from him, as they see clearly, with maturing eyes, what a nasty prick he is.

Go for absolutely every penny and even a hint of abuse ring the police and protect yourself and the boys.

As for your MIL, when she next tries to guilt you, look her straight in the eye and calmly say "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I HAVE ENDURED OVER THE YEARS"......

No need to elaborate.
Just look her straight in the eye.
Do not attempt to justify yourself or your actions.
Just one line, telling her nothing, but everything, all at the same time.

Keep posting.

When I split with my ex my car needed new tyres. He was so bemused that I was astute enough to read the size off the fucking things and order them myself, he assumed I must be shagging the guy in the tyre place 🙄

Came out the next morning to a screw poking out the wall of the near side tyre, in the bit where you can't have it repaired so I had to get another new one. I know it was him, but he'd never admit it 🤷🏼‍♀️

So sorry to hear that @Bluebeanbag . It might be worth you getting a Ring doorbell or CCTV, then the police can't say that again if it catches some evidence of illegal behaviour from him.

You're doing the right thing, stay strong. xx

@billy1966 I hear you. I really do.