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Original poster

Today my teenager was upset because.....

856 replies

Positivelypatient · 18/10/2021 00:03

On the back of the amusing threads about the irrationality of toddlers and their meltdowns, I have this for you.

Today my 17 DD is upset because I suggested booking an expensive (for me as a single parent) spa day for her and her sisters and me that we would go to on her 18th birthday. I hasten to add this is NOT in place of presents, cake and special attention for the birthday girl. Apparently I have made her feel worthless for suggesting she share her special day with her family. Confused

OP posts:
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SunsetStyle · 22/10/2021 06:52

Building a good relationship when they're little works wonders for riding out the teenage years.
Mine had their moments as teenagers and even early twenties, but I'm a firm believer that decency and respect work both ways. I probably had my own moments as a parent too, but we're the grown ups and need to model good communication and respect as best we can.
If a child of mine had called me a bitch we'd have done a lot of talking (and by that I mean listening too)
I believe we have to look at bringing up future adults so we work through the stroppy moments of the teenage years, rather than using punishment and threats of abandonment.
@Snoopsnoggysnog

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 22/10/2021 07:09

@Snoopsnoggysnog

How best to deal with that then? I don’t have teens yet but I am genuinely curious as to what you do when your 16 yo calls you a bitch. Kick them out? Stop their funds?
There will be many parents who know exactly what I’m talking about and agree (but there will also be many, namely those who’s 16 year olds cal them a bitch)…

But essentially it would never even get to the point where your 16 year old would ever call you a bitch.

So I don’t have a solution to what an appropriate response would be. Because for me, for my parents and for many others too - it’s simply not something that that is a realistic scenario

jellybe · 22/10/2021 08:25

My DD has 'the face' as DH ad I call it this morning as she has to go to school but her younger brothers don't ( they have an inset day). She has also been huffing because DH has agreed to take to school this morning but won't take her so she arrives just before the bell as he has to get to work.

Undertheoldlindentree · 22/10/2021 08:29

@notacooldad

Some of these are horrible, not funny at all. sad

like what

Being called a bitch by a 16 year old male son for starters.
A 17 year old telling her mother who is working 3 jobs that she doesn't know anything about work because she doesn't do any for 2nds.

Teenagers being livid because their parent wants to celebrate a birthday.

I know my kids have driven me up a tree at times but at least they are respectful and never done any nasty name calling.

The whole point of the thread is recognising that teens can say and do unpleasant, nasty and objectionable stuff...but they grow out of it!

'Bitch' is a horrible word but just the sort of thing some worked up teens might reach for to shock. Yes, any parent would sanction heavily after that....but doesn't mean that later they can't privately see a funny side to the teen overreacting and being so self-centered.

Everyone's family circumstances and dynamics are different (and unless name-calling is constant and other abusive behaviour going on), it's a bit sheltered and smug to comment as you have.

notacooldad · 22/10/2021 09:52

Everyone's family circumstances and dynamics are different (and unless name-calling is constant and other abusive behaviour going on), it's a bit sheltered and smug to comment as you have

@Undertheoldlindentree

Several people made the same comment before and after me.
Why I have you singled only my comment and namechecked me for being 'smug' and not others? 🤔🙄

Mercedes519 · 22/10/2021 09:53

Loving the rose tinted glasses on this either from PP’s perfect teen years or perfect teens. I call BS.

Remember having toddlers? Remember being told to ‘pick your battles’? This, but with toddlers the size of you. Everyone finds the line that can’t be crossed (for me being told to F off by DS) and everything is a learning curve for teens and their parents!

notacooldad · 22/10/2021 10:23

I learned to pick my battle with DS2 when he was having a shit day. Everything was going wrong for him and I tried to put a positive spin on things. I was saying things like 'Never mind , at least.......' .This clearly wound him up. Apparently I was too nice, why did I always have to be positive etc etc' and I got the back lash of his upset.
I quickly learned to let him have his bad mood without comment and leave him for about 90 minutes before I asked what was the matter.

It's hard when you want to jump in and make everything ok but of course they've got to know how handle the dissapointments and upsets for themselves.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 22/10/2021 11:55

@Mercedes519

Loving the rose tinted glasses on this either from PP’s perfect teen years or perfect teens. I call BS.

Remember having toddlers? Remember being told to ‘pick your battles’? This, but with toddlers the size of you. Everyone finds the line that can’t be crossed (for me being told to F off by DS) and everything is a learning curve for teens and their parents!

Baffling that you think those of us that are perturbed and don’t at all relate to ant experience of their teen calling them a bitch is there t saying they have a perfect

There’s a wonderful place. It’s called “middle ground”. It’s one where you don’t have a perfect teen (doesn’t appeal anyway!). You have occasional moodiness and rudeness and flouncing and disagreements

What you don’t have. Is a nasty and profoundly disrespectful name calling such as “bitch” levelled at you by your 16 year old son.

Helpmyson · 22/10/2021 12:55

06:20Reallyimeanreally2022

Helpmyson
^^
My 16 year old called me a bitch because I have refused to change our flights, back from long awaited holiday, so he can celebrate Halloween with his mates
I feel.your pain , why are they so horrid to us ?
Will it ever end

This is terrible.
If he calls his own mother a bitch

He will be calling his wife a bitch. And worse

his funds have been stopped, he has to buy his own stuff and we have had the talk about misogyny, vile behaviour and what sort of man he wants to.grow into for the record he was genuinely sorry accepted every sanction and offered to pay for everything going forward. Context is everything
IbelieveThe music he listens to doesn't, but we have discussed that too.

Helpmyson · 22/10/2021 12:58

Oh and he was upset called me bitch because I told him I wasn't changing the flight and that he could go and stay with his mate for the week if he didn't want to come.
He was genuinely shocked by that,

Helpmyson · 22/10/2021 13:01

This might help the ongoing debate on how to parent teenagers
Anyone who says they don't experiences challenges .....Well done ( but not helpful, so butt out please)

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 22/10/2021 13:05

@Helpmyson

I recall you writing about your son on a disturbing thread you started. The name calling will be linked to that.

Mercedes519 · 22/10/2021 13:06

@Reallyimeanreally2022 and the PP has already explained that this behaviour crossed the line and there were consequences.

Exactly my point…?

TBH my comment was more ranged at the ‘we were perfect/teen behaviour didn’t happen in my day’ pearl clutchers that this thread has thrown up which just serves to make those living with teens right now feel like something is wrong. Rather than the lighthearted thread this was originally.

Helpmyson · 22/10/2021 13:08

13:05Reallyimeanreally2022

No shit sherlock [confusedHmm

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 22/10/2021 13:25

* Rather than the lighthearted thread this was originally.*

But some of us think that a 16 year old boy calling his mother a bitch for rescheduling holiday flights is not lighthearted!

Burnshersmurfs · 22/10/2021 17:15

I think it’s very clear that you found it disturbing, @Reallyimeanreally2022. I’d think that the reasons people become abusers are likely to be quite complex- including a range of influences from wider social contexts- and not purely the fault of their mothers.

bendmeoverbackwards · 22/10/2021 17:26

@SunsetStyle how do you have that conversation? I only have daughters, youngest is 14.5 and currently a teenage nightmare. She’s never called me a bitch (not to my face anyway) but she will often use it directed at one of her older sisters. I pick her up each time on it, that it’s completely unacceptable, she just rolls her eyes and says it’s not so a word these days. What do I do? 🤷‍♀️

bendmeoverbackwards · 22/10/2021 17:26

*not so bad a word

SunshineCake1 · 22/10/2021 17:58

Keep telling her it is.

I am from the north and dh from the south and I say to the kids about certain words meaning different things. Sometimes they take the mick but they are never rude or disrespectful.

ducksalive · 22/10/2021 18:18

DD 13 had a tantrum on the way to school today because her DB 13 is going to get a new bed and she isn't.

Never mind that she had a new one two years ago, that she chose and he is still sleeping in a kids bed from 10 years ago.

No, it is totally unfair that he now gets to choose the type of bed she would now like.
If he has to be allowed a new bed ( because he is actually falling out of the dc bed) then can he at least be banned from choosing the bed style she would like.
At hearing no, total kick off. Honestly!

PanicBuyingSprouts · 22/10/2021 18:22

She’s never called me a bitch (not to my face anyway) but she will often use it directed at one of her older sisters. I pick her up each time on it, that it’s completely unacceptable, she just rolls her eyes and says it’s not so a word these days. What do I do? 🤷‍♀️. Tell her it bloody well is and if she uses it again there'll be no internet for a week?

bendmeoverbackwards · 22/10/2021 18:27

No internet doesn’t work practically. Much of her homework is online, on Teams etc.

PanicBuyingSprouts · 22/10/2021 18:34

No internet doesn’t work practically. Much of her homework is online, on Teams etc

Ok so what sanctions do you normally put in place?

FinishWhatWeStarted · 22/10/2021 18:51

@bendmeoverbackwards

No internet doesn’t work practically. Much of her homework is online, on Teams etc.
Mine have screen time set on their phones. I can allow them their homework apps and WhatsApp but block all others.
ducksalive · 22/10/2021 19:14

My dc use the word bitch far too much and also tell me it is just an everyday word.
The most successful thing I have found to stop them is launching into long boring lectures about how they are buying into a patriarchal oppressive system when they use this language, what is the male equivalent...
If nothing else fear of hearing these lectures means they try quite hard not to use the word around me at least.