Today my teenager was upset because.....

[Positivelypatient]

On the back of the amusing threads about the irrationality of toddlers and their meltdowns, I have this for you.

Today my 17 DD is upset because I suggested booking an expensive (for me as a single parent) spa day for her and her sisters and me that we would go to on her 18th birthday. I hasten to add this is NOT in place of presents, cake and special attention for the birthday girl. Apparently I have made her feel worthless for suggesting she share her special day with her family.

It doesn’t strike me at all as ‘spectacularly nasty’. The punishment was, after all, just a car wash
Ok I maybe over sensitive about the Christmas day punishment but I thought it was was nasty because it was the mum's boyfriend that came up with the punishment. It was delivered a year later. The children would have matured by a year so it is just raking up bad feelings. They were only 12 and 13 when the boyfriend is taking mum away around Christmas time. Of course it is going to be a big deal for them.
The punishment by the boyfriend was designed to humiliate them. It was done in front of the neighbours and mum is there cooing ' oh, you missed a bit!' From a childs point of view it would appear that mum is in cahoots with boyfriend and has it got their back.
I understand it's not the punishment of the century and there are much worse things going on but for these two children I'm think it would have been a big deal at the time.

I think why I'm sensitive to this is because I work in family support and I see far too many of mums boyfriends or new husbands telling mum how her kids should behave which goes well beyond what is reasonable. It is designed to push the kids out. The young person's behaviour goes off the track because of the constantly picking by step dad but suddenly it is the child that is the problem!
Dont get me wrong of course this doesn't apply to all families with when mum gets a new partner. I know plenty of success in my personal life but in my professional life I'm dealing with so many fucked up kids because of their parents behaviour.

Going back to the thread there are some right howlers of kids being completely unreasonable. Mine thought I made him do ' all the work, every last bit of it in this house' because I asked him to put the clothes from the dryer on to my bed so I could sort them 🤣
I was told plenty of times that I'm ' not going out looking like that!' by Ds2 when I had to take him somewhere but I still had my walking stuff on as I'd just come in from a day in the hills!🤣 He was told to suffer or make his own way. He always choose to suffer!

It's like excusing bad behaviour from boys with the excuse 'boys will be boys'. Oh, it's OK to let my 13 yo DD/S swear at me, leave the place looking like a midden etc., because it's just teenage hormones.

There are many threads on here about whole families walking on eggshells because they don't want to set the teenager off, and more worryingly, of younger siblings being badly affected.

And of course not all teens were angels years ago, and of course some parents were abusive years ago (as they are today), but comments up thread suggested all teenagers toed the line back in the day because they were threatened with physical punishment, and that's simply untrue.

@notacooldad

You basically just verbalised everything that was in my head but in a much more eloquent way!

@Helpmyson the fact you think getting teens to wash a car is "child abuse" totally helps me understand why your son is being horrible. You're an utter wet pushover.

DD1 (early teen) had been such a pain in the arse on a car journey that I stopped.

I and DD1 got out. DW drove a mile down the length of Glossop.

DD1 and I walked a good mile, her hand firmly in mine, at a good speed, until we met the car. Captive audience for a discussion on manners.

Silence and manners regained. She’d do the same now 20 years on.

@StartingAgain6369

Ask DD2 (13) to separate tights from pants and put tights the right way round, queue sharp intake of breath, huffing and puffing, eye rolling, what now comment and I'm busy.

I have the same issue! 🤣

@cricketmum84 and @Bogofftosomewherehot, I thought it was out abusive punishment. And if I understood correctly he wasn't their father. If I was that teenager I'd never forget or forgive that punishment either

@bogeythefungusman

MrsFezziwig what an utterly crass statement. DBro, Dsis and I would never have dreamed of speaking to our parents like many of the kids on this thread, or behaving in the hideous way so many kids seem to. Our parents would no more have violently assaulted us than flown to the moon. Neither did the parents of our friends.

Tbh I'm not sure how they managed to raise decent respectful, considerate offspring, but they did, without resorting to punishment or violent abuse . Perhaps it was because there was an expectation that we would be decent, respectful, considerate. There was no expectation that bad behaviour would be excused by being blamed on 'teenage hormones' or that's just how teenagers are. This thread is depressing tbh, normalising rude, selfish and frankly appalling behaviour.

How is it normalising it? Only a couple of people have mentioned consequences because it wasn't about the punishments that occured afterwards.

I'm quite sure the majority of this shitty behaviour was dealt with, rather than be completely ignored.. mine have repeatedly both been told that i won't tolerate being spoken to like dirt, have had leisure time been docked, or handed extra chores.

That doesn't mean i can't join in the thread, tell the tale of their initial shitty teenage behaviour and have a private chuckle about it.

You and some of the others really need to get off the 'holier-than-thou' high horse.

@notacooldad They were only 12 and 13 when the boyfriend is taking mum away around Christmas time.

Where did you get this from? It was a present of a mini break - could have been for any time during the year surely? Doesn't say they were away to hop on a plane or train immediately after finishing the selection boxes and abandon the kids!

And I think it was OP who bought it, not the partner now DH.

EmotionalSupportBear, if you are repeatedly having to tell your kids you won't be spoken to like dirt, something isn't working. It's not 'holier than though' to be a bit at some of the bratty behaviour exhibited on this thread.

DD is huffy that her gigantic revelation that she's got a crush on her female friend was not met with a dramatic "whaaaaa???" I was polite and supportive, but at her age, crushes are par for the course and same sex crushes are incredibly common. So now she's saying she's bisexual. Also common and not an "oh Lord, someone summon a preacher to this wicked child" sort of moment. I think she was hoping I was going to be one of those parents that won't accept it, because pretty much all of her friends are the same (being straight and sure of it is absolutely the rarity- to the extent that the boy/girl couple in her group declare themselves both trans and pansexual, and it's just a coincidence that their biology matches species perpetuation, so they're even rarer) and all of her friends parents aren't too happy about it.

So, I get cold shouldered for displaying understanding and tolerance. Figures

@bogeythefungusman

EmotionalSupportBear, if you are repeatedly having to tell your kids you won't be spoken to like dirt, something isn't working. It's not 'holier than though' to be a bit at some of the bratty behaviour exhibited on this thread.

"something isn't working" You're right.. his brain.

Its called having a teen with Autism/ADHD who is developmentally emotionally a lot younger than his years... i still don't let his rudeness slide, but due to his disabilities, it takes a LOT more repetition to get some things to stick in his brain... and some never will, especially things said pre-meltdown (which i'm extremely good at redirecting to avoid)

His special school always tell me what a lovely, polite, funny teenager he is, so i'll take their word that i'm doing something right, over some random on the internet who has only seen a very tiny snapshot of an interaction with me, the one adult he feels safe around.

Ds frustrated that I haven't managed to wake him up until 7:30, everyday this week.
I first wake him at 7, he claims to be awake and then falls back to sleep as soon as I leave the room. Every 5 minutes I'm up and down the bastard stairs waking him again. By half past, I'm starting to lose my patience and obviously that's what gets him up.

He has forgot to set his alarm every day this week. I'm also trying to deal with his younger brothers throughout all of this, as well as trying to wake up properly myself. But he'd like me to try harder to wake him in the morning. Erm...no. He can try bloody harder!

@EmotionalSupportBear I hear you! My 17yo has just recently been diagnosed as ASD and ADHD. It's been a very hard few years before diagnosis. She needs everything repeating eleventy billion times as it "falls out of her brain" (her words not mine)

notacooldad They were only 12 and 13 when the boyfriend is taking mum away around Christmas time

Where did you get this from
Where did I get what from? The ages are stated.
I agree that the break could be any time and I wasnt suggesting that mum and her fella were heading off after the Queens speech or anything. The timing of the trip is irrelevant znyway. I do think it was understandable ( and i get annoying to listen to ) for the kids to whinge about this given their ages My take on this, through work experience is that it seems like it is the first trip that the kids are aware of without them being included and they are noticing a change in the dynamic of their family unit.At 12 and 13 it is unsettling.
My view is that the punishment was overkill. I can think of many families that action would have resulted in resentment and a rift.
I dont think it is child abuse. But I do think it is a boyfriend asserting his power over two young kids.

I believe consequences should be relevant m proportional and timely to the misdemeanor. Waiting a year doesn't fit in the box that I would use to deal with my kids when they acted up.

@AmazingBouncingFerret

I allowed my 15 year old son to connect his Spotify during a car journey.

He was OUTRAGED to find out that I knew all the words to Gangsta’s Paradise.

My 12 yo son is so edgy and listens to loads of bands and artists I would never have heard of, like Alice Cooper, Whitesnake, Aerosmith.....

He was really cross when he realised that not only have I heard of them, I can sing along to every song he puts on, which he demanded I do as a test to prove if I was "faking decent music knowledge."

Kiddo, Aerosmith are not an obscure niche band.

Haha on the music ones.

My eldest started to get into Rammstein (a German metal band if you haven't heard of them)

She was most put out when I sang along to a song called Sonne and then told her what the lyrics were in English 😂

Threads like this make me fear for my husband's sanity. He's sharing the house with a daughter going through puberty and a wife going through menopause, at the same time. Now I understand why he was so keen to get a shed!

Kiddo, Aerosmith are not an obscure niche band.
🤣🤣

I've always listened to heavy stuff and assumed my lads would to. However Ds1 got really annoyed when he was about 14 and shouted ' turn that music down' He put his stuff on........The Detroit Spinners followed by Marvin Gaye. Nothing wrong but it did take me by surprise!

My younger cousin was extremely put out when he was telling me about this amazing new DJ he'd seen play on holiday somewhere.

The DJ's name?

Boy George

Reminds of the kids who thought they'd 'discovered' this amazing new talent when they did a cameo on one of Post Malones tracks..

The artist? Ozzy Osbourne.

DH is an A level politics teacher and regularly gets kids earnestly explaining to him their amazing recent 'discovery' of the basic principles of socialism.

My youngest is 11 so not even a teen yet but is already sucking the joy from every situation we find ourselves in.

Went clothes shopping last weekend, in New Look and she picks up a short red tartan skirt. I said "I had one just like that i use to wear with a cropped black fluffy jumper"
Her response... "No you didnt stop trying to be cool. They wear these in Clueless!!"

Yes Clueless! The 90s film that was made in the 90s and i was wearing those clothes in the 90s
🤨

Apparently though im just a pathetic liar 🥴🤣

@cricketmum84

Haha on the music ones.

My eldest started to get into Rammstein (a German metal band if you haven't heard of them)

She was most put out when I sang along to a song called Sonne and then told her what the lyrics were in English 😂

🎶 Hier kommt die Sonne.....

For some reason, my DD seems to be annoyed if I can help with languages homework. Full day strop over me helping her with her French homework, which she asked me to help her with!

"Great, so you're just better than me, are you?? Why don't YOU do French exams then??"

I did. That's why I can help you with this, daughter.

@Hardbackwriter

DH is an A level politics teacher and regularly gets kids earnestly explaining to him their amazing recent 'discovery' of the basic principles of socialism.

Aww. That's a bit adorable and also scary...