Just checking what I can actually do in my garden

[Originalyellowbelly]

Obviously not BBQ, fire pit, children, tree houses, pools, climbing frames, footballs, bonfires, low fences, music, parties,DIY , lawn mowing, extensions, cats, dogs, have I missed anything? Wouldn't want to piss off anyone within 50 miles of me.

You lot have got it wrong.
You are allowed a flag pole and to fly a flag but it can’t be an England one. A good choice would be an EU flag and swapped out to a rainbow one in June.
You are allowed garden furniture but only if it is made from wood from a sustainable source. Under no circumstances are you allowed fake rattan and when you sit out on it your eyes must be cast down and no noise must be made. If there is any chance of your neighbors being able to see you or you them then you should surround your garden it’s large planters full of bamboo. This is especially important for men as it is a well know fact that men spend time in the garden just to spy on young children and teen girls.
Enjoy the sun everyone but it is safest to do so locked a basement. If you don’t have a basement then a room not overlooking the garden but with the curtains closed will suffice.

@AnneKipanki
2 stellar additions😂😂

I have Adirondack chairs in my garden. However, they are made of a plastic that looks like wood. I suspect this is unacceptable.

I also have a swing seat but it's from Walmart. Oh dear.

Start preparing a bonfire for November 5th .

Don't plant bamboo.

A - it rustles in the wind.

B - it spreads like a bastard.

I have loved reading this. It's properly made me laugh. Thank you!

You forgot hot tub! How very date you

*dare obvs

I planted blackthorn to create a natural hedge. According to my neighbour this is lethal and they were most unimpressed. Apparently a friend of theirs got a scratch off some then got cancer and died. To them 2 years to die. From blackthorn induced cancer.

I gave up on the hedge and built a nice big fence. It seemed prudent.

And for sure don't let your children play there.

Don't water your flowers, the sound of the water may piss of your neighbours.

Music and sex.

Sit in silence and train your small children to do the same. The joyful shrieks of children equal bad parenting, and obviously mean you don’t supervise your kids. Or love them. Only children who play in silence wearing Scandinavian branded clothing with a single, wooden toy will ever have success in life.

Also forgot NEVER offer snacks or an ice pole or anything to children in a neighboring garden. Even if they ask. Even if you check with their parents. It’s akin to poisoning them and basically attempted murder. Also asking their parents and making eye contact is harassment. Also you are probably positive for covid and don’t know it and trying to murder their entire family.

This is a hyperbolic example of a real post I read last summer.

No Korean grannies either, thank you!

You can sit, very very quietly a scratch the grass grow. You must be fully dressed and dont talk to the neighbours or even look at them unless spoken to. After half an hour or so you must walk quietly back into the house so you are not selfishly hogging the outdoors. If there are two of you I believe it might be ok to talk in low whispers but not too much.

...and watch the grass grow. Fgs dont scratch anything!

@Scarby9

Or water the fence.

Or paint the fence.

My late mother who disapproved of most things, would be disgusted if I or someone near her garden hung knickers out on the line and visible to all and sundry. Also, hanging your washing out on Sunday was “ common”. In fact hanging washing out on any day except the designated washday of Monday was “ common”
Anyone just sitting and relaxing in their garden was also “ common” as they should have their pinny on and doing proper housework.
The only thing I don’t want people doing in their gardens near me is smoking weed if the wind is blowing it in my direction!

Do not use your phone in the garden - not even for the internet (possibility of an ad etc with sound as well as potentially blinding neighbours or pilots with the glare from the screen.
No creaky furniture, gates etc.
Avoid going into your garden except for emergencies.
Carry wheelie bins on bin day to avoid making too much noise.
No pets, children or visitors (ever).
Do not eat in your garden (people who have ignored the 'no washing on the line' rule don't want their laundry smelling of your tuna sandwich).

Don't forget not to put your smalls out on the line..... apologies if I've missed this already in the added to list!

You can put spikes on top of your fence... Lots of spikes.

Do not eaten vegan food

As long as you sit quietly in an unobtrusive corner of the garden, whisper all conversation, avoid any type of food or drink, and avoid looking in the direction of your neighbours you should be grand.