I farted in my surgeons face today.

[ImprobablePuffin]

AND I have to see him again 4 more times over the coming weeks !

God I may never live it down, he had me standing in front of him in my undies and a gown and he was sitting in front of me at belly height. He was feeling around my tummy and just pressed the wrong spot which catapulted a fart of mammoth proportions right out of me. I swear it echoed around his posh office!

Please cheer me up with your most embarrassing situations I really need a laugh before I curl up and die.

@stealingbeauty that made me chuckle, the way you described how you deduced that a nurse must have checked that it was just wind. When I had my c section last year I was instantly windy. Obviously couldn't move and when they moved me from the table to a bed I was farting like a trooper. Couldn't feel it let alone try and hold it in. Must have been the drugs or something for me too. The next few days I was passing the worst wind I have ever smelt in my life and it was impossible to control. It was awful, and being post surgery and with a baby glued to me I couldn't get away from it either (not envy)...

Viz had some wonderful suggestions for things to say, e.g.

"And it's another clear round for David Broome!"

"Don't rip it, I'll take the whole piece."

"Try again, sir - it nearly started that time."

Those are from memory. I just googled & found the attached in Viz's fart archive.

@ifIwerenotanandroid

Viz had some wonderful suggestions for things to say, e.g.

"And it's another clear round for David Broome!"

"Don't rip it, I'll take the whole piece."

"Try again, sir - it nearly started that time."

Those are from memory. I just googled & found the attached in Viz's fart archive.

Don't you just love it when things come full circle (full ring?!) ⭕️

Sooty and Ebay - had me laughing like Mutley!

I had a c-section with an epidural. Back on the ward I felt like I wanted to pass wind, so did! A bit later a nurse came round and asked if I wanted a post op clean up. I said yes. To my horror a male nurse appeared and turns out my wind was the runs. I was mortifiied. Ok. bad but not the end of the world.
I eventually go back to work and have to train a new girl. We got chatting as you do and she shows me some pics on her phone of a family event. I recognise this bloke and ask who he is. Yep, it's her Dad. I ask what he does and she confirms he's a nurse. Well, my face must have been a picture. She was obviously a bit worried at this point and asked how do I know him. I felt I owed her an explanation for the sheer look of horror on my face. She found it hysterical. Worse still, she came in the next day and told me she'd told her Dad and he couldn't stop laughing. Apparently that story did the rounds at many a family event I was merrily told!

Thanks for this thread. Much needed laughs.
I'll add mine.
Post 3rd c section I had the most agonising tummy pain I was in tears. The midwife gave me some colpermin and told me all I needed was to release a bit of wind. Well, she wasn't wrong. Half an hour later it began, loud bed shaking rippers. Cue all 3 women on my ward howling with laughter and me trying to apologise for the windows rattling

Oh god, just remembered, heavily pregnant last year and doing my daily massive walk. Suddenly realised, oh my god, the baby's coming!! Warned my husband and yanked my t-shirt off to fashion a nappy under my crotch, and did the largest poo known to man!!!
I then had to waddle the remaining half mile home, hands down my joggers front and back to carry it like a blancmange and a noise started; yeah my neighbours had come out to clap for carers as I hobbled past. Took a lot of loo roll and just standing in the shower shell shocked to sort that out!

@sweetgingercat

I used to take my young son to a violin class. When he went through that familiar stage of loving everything to do with farty-poohs he would regularly and proudly fart in his music lesson and for good measure go and stand next to his teacher who suffered in silence.

I used to think it was impossible to feel any more embarrassment until day the smell was so overwhelming she left the room and I hurried after her. As I apologised we turned back to look through the window to see him smilingly enjoying the swirling stench of his own brown fart cloud alone...

I've come back to this thread this morning and this has just set me off crying again 🤣

I shall remember - and use - "Whoa. Steady on" as I way of dealing with unexpected farts.

And the stories about people coming out of sedation and taking compliments for their uteruses is making me cry. (In a good way - this thread is brilliant.)

I was reading some of these posts in the middle of the night but have just had a hysterectomy (10 days ago) and had to stop as I was shaking with laughter and it was very uncomfortable on my external and internal stitching!

@Tiredmum100

I've got another one, as a newly qualified nurse I was helping a patient wash, I was behind her, She stood up and let a out a long huge fart, then said some rhyme. I went home and was telling my parents and "said she then said a rhyme!" (I was only 22 in my defence and a bit horrified at the time). My parents thought it was hysterical. They were like "where ever you be let your wind blow free, in church or Chapel, let it rattle". I grew a sense of humour after that!

Well that's made me smile. My Nana used to say this when she farted and she sadly passed away from Covid last year. I've not thought about the poem in a long while!

If you were a nurse in a North Wales town you might have even heard it from her

Mine all involve my pelvic floor failing me - it gave up the ghost, rather, after the birth of my second child.

On the morning after giving birth to him I got out of my hospital bed to go to the loo and I literally emptied my entire bladder out onto the ward floor - I had absolutely zero control. Totally mortifying and the nurses weren’t best pleased about having to mop the puddle up.

Things got a bit better, I saw a physio and gained back some control with exercises but it still gave way under high stress situations. One day, I stupidly turned my back for a few seconds while unloading the car and my then toddler escaped off at a pace from our house. I didn’t realise for a few seconds but the minute I did I pelted off to catch him down our road which was a cul de sac but had a main road at the end. He’d managed to get quite far down and was getting nearer and nearer the busy road where cars were hurtling along. I was absolutely terrified and unhelpfully as I sprinted after him, shrieking at him to stop my bladder totally gave out on me. Thankfully I managed to catch him a few yards from danger but I still have nightmares about it and to make things worse I had to do a walk of shame back to my house witnessed by lots of passers by with my jeans absolutely soaked in wee.

@Coachee

Although one of my absolutely favourite fart stories was when someone farted at yoga and the teacher just said ‘whoa, steady on’ and the whole class dissolved into laughter.

this wins the thread

This thread is hilarious - I was reading it last night as my youngest was falling asleep and everytime I tried to stifle a giggle, a little eye would appear over the top of the duvet and look at me accusingly!

But it is so normal to pooh and fart during childbirth, they all know to expect it. Same with wind after operations - because they have pumped you full of gas to see what theyre doing and/or because the drugs have that effect.

When I was a kid maybe 5ish, was at mass with my mum, when someone nearby lets out a silent but violent. It absolutely reeked. It was at the consecration part of the mass, which is the most solemn and holiest bit.

In our house we were not allowed to say fart, that was vulgar apparently, we said frack instead.

I had a loud a booming voice for a small child, and we were in a large and echoy cathedral, not too far from the front.

"Mammy, someone fracked" was told to shush. "mammy, they did someone fracked and its really smelly" cue shoulder shaking from people nearby.
Another stink bomb is dropped.
"Mammy, its happened again"
By this time my mother, well known for her giggling fits, had dissolved and couldn't shush me.
I then started to loudly ask everyone around me "was it you? Did you frack?"
By this time the priest is struggling to contain himself and several pews are shaking with laughter. I eventually identified the culprit. A young fella of about 16, who had gone beetroot red. "it was him, he done it Mammy"

Cocolapew
”In labour with DD1 the Dr wanted to put a clip on her head as her heartbeat was dipping. He clipped his glove to her head as well, so was crouched at the business end trying to get his hand and glove out of my vadge. I said I felt like Sooty and laughed so hard at my own joke I farted in his face.
I never saw him for the rest of my labour.”

@Cocolapew You made my day! 😂😂😂

I'm loving this thread 😂 but I'm a bit disappointed in all these other women being told their womb linings are beautiful, I thought I was special 😂 I was told this recently and honestly it was the best compliment I've had in a long time!

@Tiredmum100

I've got another one, as a newly qualified nurse I was helping a patient wash, I was behind her, She stood up and let a out a long huge fart, then said some rhyme. I went home and was telling my parents and "said she then said a rhyme!" (I was only 22 in my defence and a bit horrified at the time). My parents thought it was hysterical. They were like "where ever you be let your wind blow free, in church or Chapel, let it rattle". I grew a sense of humour after that!

My fave farting rhyme is: "listen to this, too good to miss, dada dada da daaah 🎺🎺🎺"

I am crying with laughter here! I've got a few embarrassing fart stories, I'm usually not fazed by farting but there have been a couple of times that even I have been shocked by what came out.

Jerusalem artichokes and the train - I had heard that Jerusalem artichokes can give you terrible wind but I had not taken it very seriously. Well all I can say is that I take it seriously now. I had 2 bowls of Jerusalem artichoke soup on Sunday night and Monday morning got on the commuter train. I started to feel a fair amount of movement in my bowels and let one go not realising what lay within. In seconds all my mucous membranes were burning, eyes and nose were on fire, it was like a chemical weapon. Imagine cutting 100 onions but with added sulphur. I honestly have never smelt anything like it. I started to panic as, from the feeling in my bowels, I knew this was just the start. More and more people were getting on the train, in a way I was relieved as at least the doors were open but I had serious concerns for the welfare of the man sitting right where I was standing, with his face dangerously close to my bum. I tried to surreptitiously look around to check he was still conscious but it was difficult to tell. The worst of it was that the train was held outside the station for over 5 minutes, they were the longest 5 minutes of my life. My eyes and nose were burning so badly I genuinely have never felt anything like it. The relief when we got to my stop was indescribable. I was in such a panic that I couldn't even look at other people to see their reactions but I avoided that train for a while. I can't even think about Jerusalem artichokes without sweating now.

Waiting for dh once in a cafe at Heathrow, saw flight finally ‘baggage in hall’, got up to go, slipped on a wet floor, very nearly went arse over breakfast time (as my DF used to say), but just managed to save myself. But in the process I let out a super-explosive fart - in the middle of the aisle between occupied tables.
Somehow managed to summon the aplomb to depart head high as if nothing had happened - still not sure how.

Many years earlier at work, I realised right after talking to two male colleagues that I’d just started a period which had flooded the fairly tight white trousers I was wearing. They absolutely must have noticed, but were too polite/embarrassed to say anything.
I don’t know when I’ve been so mortified.
Luckily I had the car and him was only a 10 minute drive, so was able to zoom back and change.

...home, not him

In labour with DS I swallowed a lot of the gas and air. The next day in the post natal ward it all started coming out. I was asleep and the couple in the bay opposite were sitting quietly and the loudest fart I have ever done woke me up. The woman looked at her DH and asked if that was him, I pretended to still be asleep so they agreed it was their newborn at the foot of their bed in her cot. They even mentioned it in the ward round that it was absurdly massive. They were assured newborns can fart.

@pheonixrebirth

One time with an ex who was giving me a treat down there. Lots of writhing around and moaning, I finally came and relaxed which prompted my fanny to let out a long loud fanny fart. My said ex was still down there a got it full throttle in his face. I can only describe his look as startled as his eyes peeked up from between my legs!! 😂😂😂😂

omg omg omg dying

After having ds4 (now 10) I had the most awful wind. He was my first and only c section and no one warned me that I might get a bit of wind. Oh my god the farts. Ds kept falling asleep while breastfeeding and every time I farted his tiny little arms and legs would flail in alarm. Poor lamb didn’t get any peace for a few hours. He didn’t cry, would just startle at every trump while I shook with laughter.

It's not as bad as mine, I was in labour and obviously had a really sore tummy. This is my third baby okay? I feel we are coming to the end so I shout i need to push, midwife comes over, I push on my next contraction and pooped all over the bed, all over the midwife, all over myself, thankfully DH was up top with me. I spent the next 2 hours pooping and contracting, I couldn't get up to go to the toilet. I was dizzy from the gas and air and just remember DH going to get some wet paper towels to clean me up. Horrid experience and really long lasting. Poor midwife.
I wanted to send her a gift but 4 years later I still haven't plucked up the courage

Friend of mine was in the middle of DTD with her dh, when she felt a fart on its way. Never mind, he was deep in the throes of lusty passion and so unlikely to notice, let alone care.

Only it wasn’t a fart - it was diarrhoea. 😱