Things I've done wrong according to teen DD

[GreenHairThingy]

Have enjoyed the various "toddler meltdown" threads over the years - you know the ones where the sandwich was cut the wrong way or the sky was the wrong shade of blue

Well this morning my only interaction with my 17 year old DD had her complaining that:

(super whingey tone) "this isn't fair! My arms just aren't strong enough for this!!! You know I've no upper arm strength" as i callously showed her how to empty and clean the tumble dryer filter so she could dry HER clothes. Take away is: I'm to blame for her lack of upper arm strength: Noted.

5 minutes later she is making herself a sandwich. I've bought a Warburtons loaf this morning.

(totally exasperated tone) "Mum, can you PLEASE stop buying bread that's about to go out of date!"

Confused, I check the date of the bread. It says the 15th March. She continues "exactly! The last loaf ran out on the 13th!!" (the loaf we finished yesterday, on the 11th)

When I politely and calmly suggested she call the team at Warburtons to complain, as i can only purchase the bread that is available with the dates that are offered, she rolled her eyes and said" it's really not ok"

I long for toddler tantrums. They were so much more reasonable.

@Harmonypuss if only it were that simple.

I did pretty much all you listed with my DD, as I say she is still a drama llama and has a mind of her own.

Anyway this thread is about a virtual coming together of exasperated parents who want to vent about the "got to laugh or you'd punch a wall" moments of raising teens.

It's not really a thread asking for others to tell us all how we got it so terribly wrong, because they've made incorrect assumptions about our parenting..

@Harmonypuss

PMSL.

I haven't spent 20 years trying to turn my children into civilised adults, because I think it's fine for them to act like entitled brats. I wouldn't have dreamed of teaching them manners and consideration when they were little.

As it happens, one of my DC sailed through the teenage years with barely a cross word. He was pleasant, chatty, considerate, amusing and generally delightful.

Funny that he was the only one, given that it's evidently all due to parenting.

He was also the most horrendous small child known to mankind. Though that's presumably all parenting, too.

I shouted up the stairs to tell my 16yo that was dinner ready.

Response was "for gods sake can you not SCREAM at me!!!! Just text me instead"

Text me.... from the same house when you are about 10 feet away from me.

@GreenHairThingy ...

Someone else gave me the advice I passed on and I've heard great results from others who've followed this too, but if no-one is interested in at least trying to raise non-obnoxious trends then I'll just keep my good advice to myself and keep my gob shut!

Teens not trends ... flipping predictive text 🙄

[quote Harmonypuss]@Cushionsnotpillows ... no, I've not missed the point at all and I wasn't boasting either....
If you don't want children to grow into obnoxious stroppy teenagers, you have to start on them when they're very little .... hence my lovely, non-stroppy, helpful, loving, caring son.[/quote]
How old is your “lovely, non-stroppy, helpful, loving, caring son”? Even if you are genuinely out of the woods. A sample of one means nothing!

I was 100% sure that as a result of my fantastic mothering skills, my teen was not going to be rude, smoke, drink, take drugs or get pregnant. She did them all and more!
She is 30 now and utterly wonderful. One of the nicest people you could ever meet.

Our DD went through a Phase of ''Food Snobery'! Once she started at the high school and took packed lunches, anything with a Lidl or Aldi brand label was rejected and either thrown in the bin, out onto the drive to feed the birds, or wrapped in cling film to remove the brand logo! When I refused to shop anywhere else, she started telling the teacher that she had forgotten her dinner money, and ran up a large Bill at the School canteen. She was a right stroppy kid as a teenager, she thought she knew everything better than everyone else did!
Fast forward 10 years, she's now a Mum herself, and her prefared supermarket to shop is no other than her once hated Aldi!

My mum was so strict and because she worked full time we had to help run the house. I was doing my own laundry aged 13 for example.

I was a sod. She laughs now when I moan about DD because, and I quote, "nobody could be worse than you at that age!"

She didn't even know what I was up to whilst out of the house. She assumed because she was so strict I wouldn't step out of line. I just learned to hide what I got up to 🙄

Luckily I've turned out reasonably well and me and mum are really close. So I hold out hope for DD!

My brother buggered off to the Army at 17 so they didn't have to suffer him at that age, I doubt the Army took any crap though

I seem to say 'Thank you are the words you are looking for' quite a lot recently to my 16 year old. Who suddenly thinks I'm responsible for all her problems.

@Soubriquet

Chat threads aren’t lost after 30 days anymore!

Only 30 day threads are.

So this won’t disappear. Still classics worthy though

I did not know that! Thank you for letting me know. (still should go in Classics though, @MNHQ)

[quote Harmonypuss]@GreenHairThingy ...

Someone else gave me the advice I passed on and I've heard great results from others who've followed this too, but if no-one is interested in at least trying to raise non-obnoxious trends then I'll just keep my good advice to myself and keep my gob shut![/quote]
Wow, sanctimonious, much?

You got LUCKY, lady.

Of course there are parents out there who don't give a shit and their kids grow up feral, but most parents do try to get their kids to be polite, kind, well-behaved, helpful with chores and self-sufficient.
Doesn't mean it works during Hormone Hell!

Yes, please keep your "good advice" to yourself.

I spent a life time to be a good enough daughter, wife and mother and now in my 60's wish I had tried to be good enough for me. I spent all my life trying to please others, meeting my loved ones needs and wants at my own expense. %90 of the time I put myself in the back of the queue for everything and all they remember is my few yells out of frustrations. I've heard so many hurtful things from them that I can't forget. I apologised, offered to talk about them for a better understanding of the past, present and future to no avail. In the end, I decided to leave them with their own mindset and see to my own needs and wants. I've become as assertive with them as I've been with my friends and everyone else. I love my adult children to bits but will not let them to point fingers at me anymore without pointing their fingers at themselves too. It was so wrong of me to give all of myself to all my loved ones and not much of it to myself. Now I freed myself from all of that and if something doesn't suit me, I won't do it for them and if it does then no problem. Gratitude, empathy and understanding each other go a long way which seems rare from many quarters. Good luck and my best wishes to you all mothers who have, are and will be doing your best for your kids irrespective of their ages.

Ask my mum, we were all perfect children, could take us anywhere, never did anything wrong.
Mum worked on Saturdays, our house was party central, we had booze and ordered pizza, all evidence removed by 5pm.
We had boyfriends, she never knew.
We went to parties, we lied about where we were.
Dad even covered for us...
Mine are little sods and I love them, but they were Never as craft as we were.

I'm loving having a family unit on whats app. I'm not sure they're always enjoying it, since it means even at school they're not safe from a motherly chat about where dirty clothes go if you hope for them to come back clean and ironed. . .

Of course, it means we keep up with the ti - who's broken up with who, what a bitch the Spanish teacher is, how Sir in Maths accused her of cheating. . . at least we know what mood is likely to clomp in the door come the afternoon, lol.

Oh, that reminds me of my sisters! There was a big age gap between me and them, and when I was seven they were 15 and up. Mum and Dad went out, leaving them to 'babysit'. Well, one of them turned all the lights off and played 'War of the Worlds' at full volume. Way to traumatise a seven year old.

And then, the boyfriends showed up. Oh boy howdy. Into the booze cupboard, smoking Mum's cigarettes, snogging on the couch. And then Mum and Dad turned up early. Never seen them move so fast. It ended up with three boys hid under the caravan. . . lucky Mum and Dad were in no fit state to notice much. . .

(We were also polite, respectful, didn't smoke, drink, and weren't boy crazy - to hear Mum and Dad. Well, except for she who never found a puddle of trouble she didn't want to leap into, boots and all. . .)

If you don't want children to grow into obnoxious stroppy teenagers, you have to start on them when they're very little .... hence my lovely, non-stroppy, helpful, loving, caring son

This is my son. However his sister is both stroppy and argumentative. Both bought up the same way🤔

Temperament is as important as upbringing.

@mary1066

I spent a life time to be a good enough daughter, wife and mother and now in my 60's wish I had tried to be good enough for me. I spent all my life trying to please others, meeting my loved ones needs and wants at my own expense. %90 of the time I put myself in the back of the queue for everything and all they remember is my few yells out of frustrations. I've heard so many hurtful things from them that I can't forget. I apologised, offered to talk about them for a better understanding of the past, present and future to no avail. In the end, I decided to leave them with their own mindset and see to my own needs and wants. I've become as assertive with them as I've been with my friends and everyone else. I love my adult children to bits but will not let them to point fingers at me anymore without pointing their fingers at themselves too. It was so wrong of me to give all of myself to all my loved ones and not much of it to myself. Now I freed myself from all of that and if something doesn't suit me, I won't do it for them and if it does then no problem. Gratitude, empathy and understanding each other go a long way which seems rare from many quarters. Good luck and my best wishes to you all mothers who have, are and will be doing your best for your kids irrespective of their ages.

What a lovely, thoughtful post.

I definitely put myself to the back of the queue, I do it without really thinking tbh.

It’s the banter that keeps you close when you’ve got teens

Absolutely!

The 2 of us are the only ones who really understand each other and know what we’ve been through during dds childhood until adulthood. We’re the only ones that really “get” each other.

They do eventually become human again! I couldn't be prouder of her now.

I’m on the borders of this now

@Freddiemercuryscat - I have a difficult relationship with my mother for a variety of reasons - fault on both sides probably - and have at times felt unable to talk to her, I think all I can advise is patience, when you do speak try to be as neutral as possible at least initially to navigate your way back, and I hope it works out for you both. We get along mostly now but we’re not close which saddens me (but this is at least partly due to a gc/sg dynamic (I’m the sg))

@bendmeoverbackwards - aw thank you. I hope I have.

@dagenhamroundhouse I was raised in a house where fear ruled, I never wanted that for dd

@peaceanddove aw that’s lovely, my dd makes a cracking chilli and a yummy sticky toffee pud

@loiswilkersonsnerve exactly - same here

@fluffycloudland77 because the good far outweighs the bad, and we recognise we’re not perfect either and they love us too. As I said my dd literally has kept me alive - just by existing - at times, I actually wanted more dc but was medically unable to do so which is a source of great sadness to me, dds BFF since primary school is jokingly referred to as my adopted dd by us and her own family, and my dd is similarly referenced in the bffs family. Dd calls her sister, they are separated geographically at the moment as both studying in different parts of the country and are missing each other desperately - what has shocked we mums is how much we are missing adopted dds, we have commiserated together/each other.

@speakingfranglais I prefer babies as they’re less of a worry! With a baby you pop them in their cot...and they stay put out of harms way! Since she reached the age of going out and about independently, especially of an evening I’ve found that sooo stressful!

She is now in uni and how she has survived so far I have no idea I feel like this about my brother! He’s in his 40’s now but he stresses us all out cos he’s a bloody adrenaline junkie! Started with what would now be called parkour but back then we called being a stupid dangerous arse! Moved on to stunts on bikes/skates/skateboards and so on... now it’s high speed chases on a motorbike and dealing with idiots with knives and guns! (He’s police, specialised role) but even in his free time it’s bloody skydiving, rock climbing etc I swear he’s not only responsible for parents grey hairs but mine and sisters too!!

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

If you don't want children to grow into obnoxious stroppy teenagers, you have to start on them when they're very little .... hence my lovely, non-stroppy, helpful, loving, caring son

This is my son. However his sister is both stroppy and argumentative. Both bought up the same way🤔

Temperament is as important as upbringing.

I was very good (seriously-boring) My sister, 1 year younger, was a little s*d. Arguments, running away to stay with a friend (without telling us where she was going) And she and I fought constantly. Funny, we're quite good friends now.

When DD and I laugh, we really laugh. It doesn't happen daily (sometimes not even weekly) but the tears roll when something does set us off.

It's usually something my youngest has said, he has issues with his speech (which isn't funny obviously) and he mispronounces certain words. No matter how much I correct him, he's convinced he's right and I'm bonkers. Humans are "fumans" for example. So he often says something and has us all in stitches.

Other than that it will be my mum (who DD refers to as her best friend, they have a lovely relationship) but mum has no idea of fashion whatsoever - not a problem as such, but by God the pattern clashes and the colour assaults it's just hilarious. Many a time I've jokingly demanded she goes back upstairs and change her top. We take the Micheal quite a lot and she basically tells us to f off 😁

My brother buggered off to the Army at 17 so they didn't have to suffer him at that age, I doubt the Army took any crap though

It's them or me! Do they take 'mothers of a certain age'?!

@MrsMackesy

My brother buggered off to the Army at 17 so they didn't have to suffer him at that age, I doubt the Army took any crap though

It's them or me! Do they take 'mothers of a certain age'?!

Haha, just throw yourself at their mercy I'm sure they'd understand!

Oh yes, when we laugh, its proper full on belly aching laughter, again not often and usually over things that no one else finds funny, but they're our things, our in jokes.

[quote Harmonypuss]@Cushionsnotpillows ... no, I've not missed the point at all and I wasn't boasting either....
If you don't want children to grow into obnoxious stroppy teenagers, you have to start on them when they're very little .... hence my lovely, non-stroppy, helpful, loving, caring son.[/quote]
I'm ashamed to admit that I might have naively thought like Harmonypuss until a couple of years ago. I hope I wouldn't have been sanctimonious enough to post on a thread like this though. I have certainly had any ounce of smugness teenagered out of me since. We live, learn and drink tea/