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Original poster

Early Noughties teen mag ridiculousness

665 replies

SmidgenofaPigeon · 27/02/2021 10:21

Does anyone remember the little nuggets if totally ridiculous advice they’d give you in teen magazines?

I used to be an avid reader of Shout! magazine. The main goal of these magazines seemed to be being popular and having boys notice you obviously, and were filled with totally mad tips on how to achieve these things and not be a ‘geek’ who wasn’t interested. Which is totally inappropriate advice these days, happily.

I remember one was ‘if you are invited to a party, arrive late and leave early! You are a social butterfly who has had to squeeze the party in between other engagements’

Happily I HAD been invited to a party in my local pub function room that very weekend! I spent a long time applying glitter hair mascara to my fringe to make it clump together attractively (why) and I think I even had on one of those fetching skirt with trousers combos with a vest top from Tammy girl. I got my dad to drive round the block a bit so I could try to be late, but it didn’t take very long and I think I turned up at ten minutes after the start time. I had a few dances to All Saints and Steps and drank a couple of cans of Coke and an hour before it was due to finish, I did a big show of having to rush off.

Now, we lived in a very small town. There was NO WAY any other parties were happening on the same night. But desperately trying to stick to my social butterfly narrative I said goodbye and off I went.

I sat round the corner in the bus shelter until it was time to get picked up. While everyone else was having a nice time at the party

What a knob! When I got to school on the Monday everyone was saying it was rude to leave the party early and I felt like such an idiot.

Can anyone remember any more of the ridiculous things they used to spout in these magazines? I’d love to get my hands one now as I think it would be hilarious

OP posts:

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PinkPiranha11 · 02/03/2021 10:13

Does anyone remember Minx? If was short lived as it was actually quite feminist (for the time) and Polly Vernon (now Observer/Guardian) wrote for them as a junior writer. I loved it! This was maybe 1997 ish? Proper Girl power era. I wish it had stayed around and evolved.

ohnomesandwiches · 02/03/2021 10:29

'Men like large dark nipples so why not draw around yours with an eyeliner pen.'

COSMO

Carrotcakeforbreakfast · 02/03/2021 10:53

brilliant memories.

I've just had a quick Google of More and the position of the fortnight. I'm surprised I used to read that actually I must have only been 14 ish

Takes me back to more carefree days.
I would get up, shower and dry my hair, spray myself with stupid amounts of impulse o2 (which they should definitely bring back) tie my hair back extremely tight with absolutely no lumps and a couple of pieces down the front of my face Haha, foundation, loads of eyeliner and foundation lips with lip liner.
Pop to the newsagents and get my mag.

Those were the days lol

WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly · 02/03/2021 11:17

@Carrotcakeforbreakfast

brilliant memories.

I've just had a quick Google of More and the position of the fortnight. I'm surprised I used to read that actually I must have only been 14 ish

Those were the days lol

They should definitely bring back O2! Also, Impulse once did a set of body sprays that were based on old (1950s) songs. One was Pretty Woman but I can't remember the others. They were slightly vanilla scented and I walked around in a cloud of that and Les Belles du Ricci for about 5 years.

Did you all used to have the fabric loop headbands too, super wide that covered your hairline and made you look like The Girl in the Pearl Earring? I used to have a white one, I looked like I'd been in an accident.

LindaEllen · 02/03/2021 11:20

I always remember a girl writing in to a problem page. She was 16 and wanted to have sex with her boyfriend and said she didn't know how to do it and whether she should move up and down or just him. The answer was that if she had to ask questions like that, she obviously wasn't ready for sex. Sorry, but unless you've seen real people have real sex (as opposed to on TV etc) how the fuck would you know exactly what to do? I remember the first time I gave a blow job and I didn't have a clue! I was happy to be doing it, but I'm sure it was shit.

I just feel like it was putting the girl down, being like 'how dare you not know everything there is to know about sex via osmosis, and no I fucking will not help you!'

Mrsfrumble · 02/03/2021 11:42

I remember Minx! I used to buy it in my first year of university. Probably while wearing low slung cargo trousers, Adidas trainers and a strappy black vest, and nursing a steaming hangover. Aaaahh, 1997 I miss you!

DrSbaitso · 02/03/2021 11:53

@ohnomesandwiches

'Men like large dark nipples so why not draw around yours with an eyeliner pen.'

COSMO

In fact, why not go one step further and add some googly eyes and a Groucho Marx beard and pair of glasses?

I remember reading a letter from someone who said her sister wore red lipstick on her nipples but stopped after an embarrassing medical examination or something. I honestly never heard of lipstick on nipples before or since.

mynewusernameisthis · 02/03/2021 12:00

@AVictoryProduct

Rinse your hair with cold water to make it shine Wear a pop of colour close to your face Your eyebrows are sisters, not twins Cucumber on eyes Oatmeal on face Live yoghurt on your vulva for thrush Which jeans to wear for your body type Which swimming costume/bikini to wear for your body type Hair styles to suit your face shape Men always notice your hands Your hair is your crowing glory

What a load of shite.

Omg yes, your eyebrows are sisters not twins!! I still tell myself this, it makes me feel a lot better about them

mynewusernameisthis · 02/03/2021 12:00

@AVictoryProduct

What a load of shite.

Omg yes, your eyebrows are sisters not twins!! I still tell myself this, it makes me feel a lot better about them

millievanille · 02/03/2021 12:29

I used to read shout religiously every fortnight in the mid to late nineties. I used to love the real life stories that were diary entries but always wondered why and how girls randomly sent in their private diaries to be published! Now someone has said they were all made up it kind of makes sense! I loved the flowchart quizzes, the free silver rings that turned your fingers green and bonus points if there was a poster of the backstreet boys. I had a stack of about 100 magazines but had to dump them when we moved 😞

SinisterBumFacedCat · 02/03/2021 12:38

There was definitely a magazine that suggested blusher for nipples and to enhance your cleavage. I tried it and it just looked like I had a sparkly rash between my tits.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 02/03/2021 12:42

Tbf the “eyebrows are sisters not twins” is good advice and today’s youngsters could really do with hearing it.

DrSbaitso · 02/03/2021 12:56

@SinisterBumFacedCat

There was definitely a magazine that suggested blusher for nipples and to enhance your cleavage. I tried it and it just looked like I had a sparkly rash between my tits.

You could get "cleavage enhancing kits" which were little pots of white and black stuff. I guess they were early contouring sets. I suppose if you really knew what you were doing you could perhaps do something with them (can't see how the colours would work on anyone) but I certainly never had any luck with them.

Then a friend pointed out I had a cleavage you could ski down anyway so what was I doing, trying to kill people?

Anyone remember the colour mousses that had names like "mahogany" and "plum" and just turned your hair purple, along with the collar of your school shirt?

Allington · 02/03/2021 13:06

I remember some late 80s/early 90s advice about giving blow jobs - apparently the correct amount of suction was as if 'you are sucking a thick milkshake through a straw'...

Very useful, I'm sure

CherryValanc · 02/03/2021 13:43

@Allington

I remember some late 80s/early 90s advice about giving blow jobs - apparently the correct amount of suction was as if 'you are sucking a thick milkshake through a straw'...

Very useful, I'm sure

I think I may have read that too. As I recall feeling a bit unsure as I'd never had a milkshake. 😄

CherryValanc · 02/03/2021 13:46

Don't recall any cleavage stuff. Though unlikely to have read it as teen Ithought myself akin to ironing board with two aspirin on it.

Oh for that stomach again!!

Del29 · 02/03/2021 13:50

I can’t really remember anything particular from them but I loved reading them at the time. How times have changed aye! Would love to read one now! Things have changed so much. I’m 30 but I have teen sisters 15+ years younger than me. Growing up for them is so much more different than it was back even in the early 2000’s!

GreenSlide · 02/03/2021 13:51

@DrSbaitso I remember those hair mousses!! I loved the plum one!! Would totally use those if they brought them back!

millievanille · 02/03/2021 13:52

Another thing I remember is the flowcharts and quizzes in shout always tried to pin you down as having a certain 'type' of style. It always encouraged you to take the quiz and find out which spice girl you were or something, the made out if you were 'baby spice' based on your answers you somehow went home from school, put on a cute pink dress put your hair in pigtails and chatted to your mates while sucking a lollipop, or if you were 'sporty' you spent your time wearing cop tops and doing high kicks. I honestly believed I had to be a certain style and couldn't ever be a combination of them all!

BlackBucketOfCheese · 02/03/2021 14:20

Haven’t RTFT but I’m loving it so far. I’m deeeep into following 90steenmagazinearchiveuk on Instagram.

I always remember getting a copy of J17 around 1997/98 which came with a free fiction book. The story was clearly written by someone at the magazine as it mentioned it endlessly. In this book a dorky girl goes to sixth form and meets a coooooool guy who wears black and is totally alternative. They go to Paris on a school trip and it is basically Christian Grey but for virgins.
At one point she saunters through Montmarte, stumbles upon a vintage shop and they assistants put her in a beautiful pink dress and she accessories it with silver trainers. Why do I remember this but I forget my children’s middle names? 😅

BrightYellowDaffodil · 02/03/2021 14:36

You could get "cleavage enhancing kits" which were little pots of white and black stuff. I guess they were early contouring sets.

I remember advice to brush blusher into your cleavage to make it look deeper. By the time you had on one of the Wonderbras as well, you ended up with a cleavage you could loose a child down.

DrSbaitso · 02/03/2021 14:57

Why do I remember this but I forget my children’s middle names?

Because you have your priorities exactly where they should be!

Allington · 02/03/2021 14:59

@CherryValanc yes, it raises so many questions - we really needed the milkshake recipe and diameter of the straw...

Wide · 02/03/2021 15:07

I used to love Sugar magazine! It was always a little too grown up for me and I remember the old lady at the newsagent questioning it. This has taken me back. I just remember Sugar magazine having a teen sexual abuse write up where people told their anon stories! They must have had a helpline included etc

toomanydoghairs · 02/03/2021 15:08

Anyone remember the colour mousses that had names like "mahogany" and "plum" and just turned your hair purple, along with the collar of your school shirt?

I remember buying the mahogony one! I had naturally red hair and was convinced that the mousse would change this to the much more fashionable reddy brown mahogony colour. It wasn't visible at all in daylight but I found to my cost that under disco lights it gave my head a pink aura (nowadays I would find this quite cool but back then I was mortified).

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