Crackers you've read on MN

[MrsMarrio]

Just a bit of fun. I've read some really awful threads on MN, then there in the comments is that poster that says something hilarious. I've got a few stored in my head.

In relation to a cheat going to the OW - "they think the grass is greener on the other side because it's covered in bullshit'

A post about partner being friends with the opposite sex, someone told a story of their other half getting 'mentionitis' about another woman who turned out to be cheating

And my favourite, a poster had took back a guy after a few break ups to which someone responded 'that's like fishing shite out the toilet- just flush'.

Anybody else got comments stuck in their mind for any future reference that fits or just me

@TotoroPotoro

I recently saw one where a poster stated that even though they had a 7 figure income, they still wouldn't spend much on their DC at xmas.

I mean, I don't doubt some people do, but it seemed a very MN thing to say.

Also the one where a poster said they had tested Johnson's "no more tears" shampoo by rubbing it into their own eyes, before using it on their PFB's head

I remember one from a couple of years ago where the poster's phone had accidentally slipped from her hand and landed on her baby while she was feeding, and the baby had cried. The poster had then spent far too much time purposely dropping the phone onto her own face from varying heights to work out whether the baby had been hurt.

@GiveMyHeadPeaceffs

Snapped and farted still gives me the giggles

Was that the thread about the boyfriend in the martial arts class? If I'm thinking of the right thread, OP was quite simply something else...

There was also the poster who, I think, has something stuck fast to her hob. One poster suggested she try sex lube and a fish slice.

No no, it was even better: the OP slipped in "Obviously I've tried sex lube and a fish slice" while retailing the things that hadn't worked. All nonchalant like...

Not so obvious to the rest of us, who are clearly vastly less resourceful.

There was one today where the woman copped grief from a neighbour for parking in front of a 'drive' except it didn't have a dropped kerb in front of it so didn't actually qualify as a drive. Another poster called it 'a patio with aspirations'

DaleyBum who literally twatted a spider to death... whatever happened to her? She was brilliant.

Someone said we only eat peas once a year as a treat. They are too carby.

A most joyless post

@purplecorkheart I wish my husband shuffled in the dressing gown of doom when he has a cold. Instead he festers on the couch in the foetus position in his boxies stinking the room out with his dog breath

it wasn't a forum but mentioning breath reminded me. I observed my husband having an argument with his dads ex wife through the car window. Towards the end he started to wind the window up and said 'get out my face your breath stinks of shit' couldn't have been prouder (she's awful) makes me laugh now thinking of it

@GenuineKlatchianPottery

A thread that’s now in classics. OP kept hearing sex noises coming from her hedge. Unanimous vote from MN “It’s foxes” OP replies “I’ve never heard a fox ask for a finger up their bum”.

If you'd read the thread, love, you'd know it was hedgehogs, not foxes. Slightly cringing for you.

If you're going to quote something, at least do it with knowledge

Hold on ladies - the fun police have just shown up to the party

I remember someone joining in an hilarious thread and trying to throw piss on it. One poster replied. 'Hold on ladies, the fun police have just joined the party' 😁

@AWaspOnAWindowReturns Why do they do that?

*badadabing WouldstrokeTomHardy are you both referring to me???

I'm absolutely not the fun police, but if I'm going to reference something, I'll at least do it knowing what I'm saying!

I'm ON the sex noises in the hedge thread (under a different un). It is in classics. It's been linked twice on this thread, you can go check. It's hedgehogs, not foxes.

If you're going to reference something, do it with a bit of authenticity .

Otherwise you're just a bit sad.

@36degrees That stuck in my head too, plus I say it in an Irish accent because I am also an awful cunt for the butter 😁

I was reading the fat ball thread in a coffee shop whilst waiting for a friend and kept laughing to myself
After a few minutes a woman sat near me by herself asked what was making me laugh so much, told it was a thread on a site I was reading
Turns out she was also a mumsnetter so I told her the thread title
Cue both of us sat there laughing to ourselfs for ages getting weird looks from everyone else in the cafe.

@FlouncerInDenial

*badadabing WouldstrokeTomHardy are you both referring to me???

I'm absolutely not the fun police, but if I'm going to reference something, I'll at least do it knowing what I'm saying!

I'm ON the sex noises in the hedge thread (under a different un). It is in classics. It's been linked twice on this thread, you can go check. It's hedgehogs, not foxes.

If you're going to reference something, do it with a bit of authenticity .

Otherwise you're just a bit sad.

Anyone who said foxes when it was clearly about hedgehogs has completely ruined this thread, some people were ON that thread you know how do you think your LIES make them feel

And it's DEFINITELY sad to get an animal name wrong. Over reacting and huffily posting like it matters isn't sad though, no sir-ee Bob. I mean you've practically misquoted the bible FFS.

'I'd only kick him out of bed to fuck him on the floor'

And no doubt it's been mentioned but 'she's a cunt for the butter'

So raw

A recent one on the Facebook Twee Village group thread or whatever said 'Neighbourhood Watch have mobilised' in regards to excessive pigeons or something in the village

Really made me chuckle

I'm ON the sex noises in the hedge thread

Aah c’mon, that’s way cringier than getting an animal wrong.

Spudcunt too

And sorry to quote again, but :

My Yoni says No(ni). Does your wife know you're online looking to get your mitts on strangers fannies?

@Cattenberg

I liked the one where a MNer was out and saw her parents driving past. When they saw her, they smiled and made a wanking gesture at her.

It turned out they had a neighbour who didn’t like them and who made this gesture at them. The parents were oblivious to his dislike and thought it was a new way of waving hello. So they’d drive around merrily making wanking gestures at everyone they knew.

It’s 2 in the morning and I’m howling at this! Great thread! I managed to mainly maintain my composure (struggled with the Fox story, lost it a bit with the match, and the patio with aspirations) but I am done for now!

Cancel the cheque! (another bride from hell thread, I think that one even had a poem ) I think it was a Tidydancer thread.

And

Fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more -- I love that one, I think it in my head often. Don't seem to see it on here much anymore

And yes, the EKL and AuntyTantrumsandBalloons for the sweeter side of MN.