Which sentence did you say today that you'd never have said a month ago?

[Bluewavescrashing]

Me- 'Wash your hands, you've just touched the post!'

To my siblings on a WhatsApp group chat about our elderly parents:

‘OK, softly, softly hasn’t worked, we need to frighten them into staying in. Ideas?’
‘I could tell them they won’t even get a funeral if they die now.’

To DS (7): ‘STEP AWAY from the old people, you’re a super-vector!’

"I got a click and collect slot and even managed to get toilet roll in the basket"

Explaining why I was up at 4am.

I almost miss Brexit

"Oh alright then, let's buy all the expansion packs we need for Sims 4 seeing as they're half price... yay!"

"Fucking cyclists! The only ones who don't keep to the 2 metre rule! Do they think they going too fast to drop the virus on us or something...TWO METRES MATE!!!" bellowed after him.

"Oh fgs, I will write your essay dd, it will take me ten minutes to bash out what will take you three hours but you need to read it and learn it after, ok?!". I couldn't take the anxiety and tears anymore - she's autistic.

No you cant have pasta for tea we need to ration it

Poor ds it's about the only thing he eats

I don’t think they will expect you to go to Spain to renew it under the circumstances.

"This is 'I am not getting enough exercise' behaviour".

When dd asked why the dog was rolling around on his back grumbling and groaning on the floor.

I wondered to myself whether putting a 4-pack of loo rolls on the passenger seat of the car would create a risk that someone would break in.

To my 76 year old mum whilst discussing why it would be best for her to stay in, instead of going shopping for unnecessaries... "just because your friends are doing it, it doesn't mean you have to do it too".

'Will you stop wearing so many clothes!' - to my DD who was getting through vast amounts of clothing. Bring back school uniform!

'Looks kids - I got a catering sized tin of beans!'

'I must remember my letter saying I'm a key worker in case I get stopped by the police on the way to work'

'Zoom meeting at 6 with nanny and grandad'

To dp

• How many people have died today?
• When do you think you'll be furloughed?

To df - living locally and has dementia so i still have to call in (& he keeps forgetting about restrictions)

• Stay back!

To DH earlier when he was going to shop next door 'try and get some milk and a loaf of bread too'

He failed 🤷‍♀️

Please, Joe, no more squats!

“I’ll pop it on my wheelie bin and go back in so you can get it. I have sprayed the bin - shall I do your parcel too or do you want to do it?” To my neighbour when handing over a parcel I took in for him.

I'm buying an exercise bike.

Can't go to the gym and a walk won't cut it not to mention the companies who now won't deliver heavier packages.

Sorry but I don't understand the system. I thought Tesco was all one way now.

@Spikeyball

"I got a click and collect slot and even managed to get toilet roll in the basket"

Explaining why I was up at 4am.

To dd
No we are not going to the shops just to buy you an eyebrow pencil. It is not essential for staying at home.

My parents when they ask why are the dc not in school. And i explain why they always say.
'It's not that serious is it?"

Now this would be ok if they said this maybe once or twice in total but since lockdown they call me and ask this about eight times a day!

I’m not going out for wine, it’s just not worth it.

And to DDs who said next door’s cute little cat was in the garden
‘OH MY GOD, YOU DIDN'T TOUCH IT DID YOU?’

I’m out of isolation, and feel so much better.

I’ve recovered from a pandemic!

To DP today 'omg I can get a delivery slot for tomorrow'

To complete stranger with friendly dog "She's lovely, but I won't stroke her"

"DD thinks biscuits grow on trees" she had had 2 🙄

“Consider anyone that rings the doorbell to be contaminated.”