I'm totally unreasonable. DH putting on a 'ill voice'.

[ThirdChildFourthPile]

I know, I know I'm being unreasonable. And I've told myself a million times but it's still winding me up. I'm actually avoiding him because of it.

I'm 7 months pregnant, we have two kids.
He had a vasectomy today so I'm juggling the kids and uni and hospital appointments with this baby while he rests his testicals.
This, I have no problem with at all. It's been a long time coming! And the more he rests now, the better he will heal.

But the ill voice he is putting on is like nails down a black board.
He used to do it years ago, I haven't heard him 'put on' a voice in years. He used to put on this faint, wobbly voice whenever he had any ache or pain or cold. My sympathy used to instantly shrivel up.

Now he's putting on this small, high pitched little boy voice and it grates on my so much.
It's like pouring salt on my sympathy for his testicals. I really wish he wouldn't do it!

So I need to get it out here in this safe space where I can name change and move on.

My ex (please note the 'ex') used to clutch his chest and go 'Oooh me heart' until I pointed out his heart was actually on the other side of his chest! We used to get the little boy voice all the bloody time, for the slightest sniffle or grazed finger plus the pathetic weakness where he would get up and stagger across the room, clutching furniture as he went. Sure a common cold never got me into that state!

If he felt his attempts for sympathy were being ignored -which they generally were- he would sink into a deep depression. For days.. he called it depression, I suspect it was more of a sulk.

The irony was that this went on for years, the chest clutching, and was firmly ignored by me until after we split up and he developed angina for real and need a triple bypass. Karma?

Not helpful but the phrase “while he rests his testicles” made me howl.

My friend’s husband had a vasectomy. He came home from the clinic with a discharge letter that stated he should have the tv remote control near him at all times to ensure his comfort when recovering. I shit you not. My friend is a critical care nurse who’s had one 3rd degree tear and two caesareans. She was less than impressed .

Christ alive, I’m sorry so many of you have such poor excuses of husbands and partners and you think being in sole charge of a newborn after a c-section is just why everyone has to put up with. It’s not.

I had a horrific time after my c section. My husband was an absolute star. However, that was no use for the week that I spent in hospital. Where I did have to just suck it up, without pain relief, and look after a newborn human. And where I was frequently told 'we're not helping now because you'll have to do it yourself at home'.

My husband, thankfully, does not do overly dramatic illness, and does not take to his bed at the slightest sniffle.

My DH goes into pathetic mode with the slightest thing and then he starts to milk it. I can see he’s perfectly capable of doing his share of the chores but oh no he’s too weak!

I don’t fall for it these days and I tend to ignore him when he starts. The only trouble with that is, when he’s got something really wrong he gets the same treatment. It’s his own fault 😂😂😂

My DH vocalises his groans, and it was as annoying as f*ck ... Now I ignore them, I have successfully convinced myself that vocalising the groan (rather than stifling it like any normal person) makes him feel better. It gets absolutely no reaction from me, and after a while he stops ...

You're a hero. If my DH did that when I was pregnant, if have killed him. Without pausing for thought. To be honest, I'm tempted on the occasion he does it and I'm not pregnant.

P.s. "rests his testicles" is possibly the funniest thing I've ever read

This thread has really made me chuckle.

It's not only women who get damaged by patriarchal culture! Boys learn that it's not ok for a man to be weak and vulnerable (and men are the weaker sex psychologically, anyway). So many men when they feel ill play an unconscious mindgame - by mentally regressing to a child-like state they avoid the forbidden state of being a man and being weak and vulnerable. In this case it's even more understandable. Both women and men can struggle emotionally with any surgery that impacts their sexual identity: hysterectomy, vasectomy, etc.

Yes, I'm sure this regressive behaviour is irritating as hell to the women whose male partners do this. But it's all part of the cultural dysfunction most of us would like to see change.

Valasca, I had my gallbladder removed and when I got home, upstairs to a second floor flat, toddler DD1 who loved thrashing around for fun while being changed needed a nappy change. Guess who took care of that for her? Guess how many other able bodied adults were in the flat enjoying a chat together about the marvels of keyhole surgery?

Oh OP. I feel so angry at him just from reading you post 😂

DH had a terrible time with his vasectomy. Black and blue, infection, cysts, readmission to hospital, ongoing pain. I have had two emcs and bounced back very quickly with no need for pain relief even.

I am still allowed to take the mick out of his vocal changes and crusty old dressing gown. They have bog all to do with the severity of his illness or my sympathy. In fact, he laughs about it too. He's aware of the fact he's being feeble. When properly ill, they don't put in an appearance.

I have found my people! I’m 35 weeks pregnant, have had morning sickness the entire way through, spd and looking after a toddler. Dh had a flu jab yesterday and is feeling a bit ill after it. You’d think he was dying the way he was going on about it. Finding it really hard to have sympathy.

But the ill voice he is putting on is like nails down a black board.
He used to do it years ago, I haven't heard him 'put on' a voice in years. He used to put on this faint, wobbly voice whenever he had any ache or pain or cold. My sympathy used to instantly shrivel up.

This is my DH too - a poor-little-me voice interspersed with heavy sighing and the occasional groan! I could choke him!

It's as though saying "I've got a really bad headache today--from drinking all that falling-down water last night." isn't good enough - he has to continually sound weak and feeble or I might not realise how very, very poorly he is, and also how brave he is to even lift his head from the pillow long enough to cough, weakly, before slumping back down with a groan.

I have to grit my teeth, and on occasion leave the room.

And actually, when he's really ill, he doesn't go on about it - he hasn't the energy, so I suspect that the play-acting stuff is just to use a mild headache/back pain/ sore thumb/whatever as an excuse not to to something he doesn't want to do eg take out the dogs.

Just thinking about it is starting to make me feel shabby . . .

And I am not even going to mention getting home from hospital post episiotomy with baby in tow, five times, and setting about laundry, making dinner, dealing with toddler baths and bedtime, getting older children up and dressed and fed for school, etc., etc., and so on and so forth despite not really being able to sit down for a week or so. Oh and the matter of no sleep thanks to having a baby to feed.

My H answer to ‘I am ill, I have a cold’. I have pointed out to him that if he can go for a run, then he isn’t ill! But apparently not.

And he is saying that very seriously to me, who has ME, and couldn’t go for a run on my best days but still does more than I should do seen my energy levels.

Tbh H wasn’t too bad when he had a vasectomy. I think he knew he would get a short rift on that one.

What a wuss, OP! My mate was out riding his motorbike the day after his vasectomy. He said the only bit that hurt was when he had the brilliant idea of using Immac instead of shaving his bollocks beforehand. Burnt like hell, apparently.

DP has a the Dressing Gown of Doom, but is very considerate when properly ill. He just stays in bed doing very small groans. When his back hurts he does a ridiculous Quasimodo walk though. That or he's practising for an audition for Richard III.

Dh rarely gets I'll but when he does his skin goes red hot,he then insists on cuddling into me in the early hours 'to shiver it out' fuck off with your molten lava skin at 3am!

I'll=ill

I've escaped this morning for a 3 hour lecture on deciphering quantitative data.

Hopefully his voice hasn't perked up by the time I get home or I will just have to avoid him because I'm absolutely useless at holding my tongue.

My mate was out riding his motorbike the day after his vasectomy

Nooooo that's the opposite though! That's so silly.
After I got out I'd surgery for appendicitis instead of going home like a normal human being, I went straight to the pub.
I paid for it the next day like you wouldn't believe. I felt absolutely horrific. Damn that GA giving me a false cape.

Not the silliest thing he's ever done though, ThirdChild. That was probably when he fell down the stairs, pissed, and ripped his little finger off.

Is he wearing a scarf indoors? My XH used to do this when he did The Voice (including after a minor operation - more minor than a vasectomy). He, too, had a Dressing Gown Of Doom @Showofhands It reminds me of why I will not re-marry.

Oh God I’m dying here, it’s like you’ve actually met DH. He’s a Jedi Master of the cock camera having had prostate surgery, although bizarrely he was very brave with that (I think the pre-surgery consultations were much worse; DH did come out from one ashen faced and remark that the words “hack away at” and “prostate” should never be allowed in the same sentence).

But a minor cold? Christ, it’s like Daniel Day Lewis in My Left Foot. Utterly Oscar worthy. The vacant eyes, unfocused as though they’ve seen too much pain for these earthly realms. The slow, exaggerated movements. The wincing in pain. The chest clutching and rubbing with every cough....cough.....cooooooouuuuuuggggghhhh. The slightly feverish, barely alive tone of voice. He fucking well called me MUM during one of these episodes, as in “Muuuuu.....uuum......I don’t.....feel....very......welll.....”

As for the dressing gown of doom, oh yes. Tatty old grey thing (he has much nicer he uses for non life-threatening occasions) and don’t forget the “I’m 92, you know!” moccasin style slippers that never otherwise see the light of day. And the festering blanket, used to wrap round oneself when one “can’t stop shivering...”

Funniest time of all was once when he had a VERY minor cold and proclaimed how he “couldn’t manage” anything to eat because he “couldn’t keep it down.” Reader, the dressing gown of doom told a different story. Somehow many, many mini Twix bars had made their way into the pockets and it was clear from the wrappers that they’d been “kept down” just fine .

My DH has the dressing gown of doom too! But I'm not allowed to use it :( it's only for him, but when it comes out I know it's going to be hell on earth... he also has an obsession with those forehead strips for headaches? So even if he doesn't have a headache if he feels unwell he goes to bed with his dad dressing gown on and puts one of those on his head and usually watches telly until I take the lead of the back and say he should get some sleep if he's so unwell 🤒 

Good lord! My OH hates making a fuss and if he's ill will go back to bed, with a glass of water and sleep. Not that's he's often ill, he would rather get up and power through it.

Not always the best idea though!