People keep having sex in my hedge...

[eurgh]

I guess it's more of a WWYD as I know I'm NBU but every few nights people (I assume the same two) keep having sex in the hedge which divides my back garden from the road behind. It's pretty brazen because there's no real cover to hide under!
Every few nights I'll be out sitting with my new rescue dog and letting her potter about and I'll hear my hedge making groany sex noises. I'm so tempted to cough loudly or say something but for some reason I just keep quiet and feel weird listening to other people's sex noises!
So I guess more for fun, I ask you, what would you do?

Get a sprinkler for the garden so it's not so obvious that you are trying to get rid of them compared to watering your garden.

Are you sure it isn't hedgehogs? Apparently they are very loud and go on for hours. Lucky bastards.

The people in the house opposite used to have sex in their car, it was a shared house and i think the car was the only place they could be alone, alone that is except for the beady eyes of the neighbours. A tip for having sex in your car in my street, park it up at the end of the road by the church heard, not outside my house where the streetlamp is.........

Well that's a large bush OP

Churchyard

Grind up as many rose-hips as you can and sprinkle them into the hedge. It won't do them any serious harm but will itch like hell.

I was going to say hose, but actually the "David Attenborough commentary" suggestion is even better.

I have a now elderly labrador who, when still in his youth, once found a shagging young couple next to a hedge and ran up to lick them all over.

That might be a solution??

Stick somechilli powder on the bushes that'll get em hot.

Are you the same poster that was shagging in the bushes a few weeks ago

Spray the hedge with the pongiest fertiliser I could lay my hands on.

Hosepipe 100%

Putting dog poo under the hedge on their side doesn't incriminate you but would be very off putting.

Put the radio on? It might put them off their stride

Stand nearby and shout out helpful comments ' It's not very big is it?' 'I can see why you wait til it's dark' 'No, you're doing it all wrong' 'They're in the bush Sergeant, but they'll be finished soon because he's not exactly a stayer'

Record a round of applause/cheering and play it when they finish. Also, I am sure your hedge needs watering during hot weather...

Hose pipe!

Id offer up a verdict - Strictly come dancing style. "Seven!!"

No suggestions, but I used to run in a particular park that attracted a large population of people sleeping rough. I used to run past this one very large hedge and about once a week there would be the same scraggly older man in there furiously jerking off. He became ‘jerking off guy’. After about two years I was actually quite fond of him.

Pressure wash them thats what id do.

@Topseyt lol at the thought of a karcher jet washer 😂

@viques I've never heard any of my local hedgehogs ask for a finger in the bum...
🦔

Actually OP ,I think you're being a bit of a poor host. You should decorate the area for them - nice faux fur throw on the ground, lots of candles and rose petals sprinkled around, some condoms in a nice dish, bit of bunting...

Topseyt I misread that as "elderly neighbour" rather than "elderly labrador"!

@PortiaCastis no I haven't posted about bush shagging before - can't believe how many stealth bush shaggers there must be around!

Are you sure it's not hedgehogs.

Play them this at full volume

@Pinga I do do a good len goodman