People keep having sex in my hedge...

[eurgh]

I guess it's more of a WWYD as I know I'm NBU but every few nights people (I assume the same two) keep having sex in the hedge which divides my back garden from the road behind. It's pretty brazen because there's no real cover to hide under!
Every few nights I'll be out sitting with my new rescue dog and letting her potter about and I'll hear my hedge making groany sex noises. I'm so tempted to cough loudly or say something but for some reason I just keep quiet and feel weird listening to other people's sex noises!
So I guess more for fun, I ask you, what would you do?

Motion activated light focused on the hedge?

Sprinkler, megaphone and flood light! Think one of those huge torches you use for industrial use if you can find one to borrow. Wait for it to get going and fire up the sprinkler, whack on the torch and start making announcements. Video it obviously.

I would just shout "hey, you have as much sex as you want - but not on my property".

Surely David Bellamy rather than David Attenborough for this particular documentary?

To be fair they are not ON my property they are right the other side on the next residential street!
I haven't lived here long so no hose as yet - may invest soon!

Balance an open tin of paint above their 'spot'.

Don't have any advice to offer but you should definitely win the "best thread title" award

Actually, technically, sex in a public place is an offence and I did once see two people prosecuted for it. What was really funny, is one pleaded guilty, one pleaded not guilty

So I would say that if it is making you feel uncomfortable then you should say something, or make a noise to let them know you're there.

Uninstall the johnny machine.

Shout loudly that you hope they are using a condom and would they like a poo bag to wrap it up and take it home??

@JoanofSarc that made me laugh - maybe I should just stick my arms through the hedge and really freak them out - it usually happens anywhere between dusk and midnight

I can’t imagine why you haven’t!! just tell them to fuck off
But that's why OP is here, that's apparently what they are doing!
I agree, get the hose out and water the hedge!

Pour some honey on the ground to attract ants.

Peg a large grey pair of granny pants or old y fronts full of holes to the bush with a note saying they left these last night and would they mind being a little louder tonight because you can't quite hear them from the patio?

Take a deckchair down and sit next to the bush with a video camera and professional looking lighting.

Plant some holly or something thorny?

No hose? Bucket of water then. With ice in it

Haha to be honest I'm not all that bothered I've just never had this sort of situation before. I would be hesitant to say anything really as some of the people nearby aren't the nicest and without knowing who is doing the nasty I might make life a bit harder for myself.
If I was really bothered I would report - I just thought it would be entertaining to see how others would deal with it as I'm a bit of a self confessed weirdo

Super soaker and water balloons

Could it be sex workers.

One of the last places I lived the stairs and lobby of the flats used to used quite regularly by sex workers, it was in the "red light" district of the city.

Your response might depend on who's doing it.

Is it teenagers? Or prostitutes & "clients" AKA arseholes? Or drunk people from a local venue? Doggers?

A loud alarm in the hedge, that you can activate remotely

Definitely water the hedge

Get a hose as a matter of urgency.

I would make sure I was out watering the garden when they started and then, oops, suddenly manage to "misdirect" my hose over/through the hedge onto them. Better still if you have a kärcher jetwash.

Can we have a diagram please?

Creep up close to the hedge on your side and start making sex noises back at them. If they stop, you stop. If they start again, so do you.

😂😂😂😂