As promised Funeral Director here (waves)

[oohnarna]

I am ready for your questions!

I will do my best to answer, I have a few bits I am doing at home but will answer regularly throughout the evening as much as I can.

these two threads are great, can we have a GP next please? Not to answer health problem questions of course but questions about being a GP and procedures, protocol etc.

Please can I ask how you manage people who have severe limb contractures? Do they relax down after death, or would you need to break limbs in order to fit them into a coffin? Curious as I work with severely disabled people.

There are many coops over the UK and lots of different Coop groups so I can't comment on all. However the Coops I know are really some of the best FDs and are brilliant. I am sorry you had a bad time.

We have never had to break limbs to get a person into a coffin.

The question about contracted limbs i would like to know as well.
I once went to do an agency shift at a nursing home & a resident had died 2 days earlier, there had been a big problem with relatives & sorting out FD and they were still in the room.
Unfortunately no one had the sense to lay them out & flatten the bed so they were basically in a seated position.
I worked in Ireland & the attitude around death was so much better & we wld wash & lay out, close eyes, mouth etc of our residents, most didn't have family. We wld also "wake" them the night before funeral, usually next day. Death was never hidden or scary.

I have always wanted to be a funeral director, might look into it.

The funeral director for my last three family funerals is someone I have known since childhood. Do you find it any different when the deceased's family are people known to you?

This thread is very interesting!

At the moment I want to donate my organs to the NHS, and whatever is left can be sent straight to the crem. I have never been a fan of “fuss” and right now hate the idea of a funeral. My husband is the same. We are both in our 40s, so this could still change. If we do change our minds but have a funeral plan is it easy to amend?

Is the wet cardboard smell from the embalming or the decomposition? I assumed embalming.

I've lost 2 loved ones in the last 2 months, only 3 weeks apart so I've seen our local fd more than I'd like and both my loved ones smelled like wet cardboard

One of them was elderly and had arthritis and her leg was permanently bent, it was requested that it was straightened to fit her in the coffin more comfortably but they said they couldn't mess around with the body and she was very twisted and uncomfortably looking, was there nothing they could have done?

To set some people’s mind at rest about seeing their loved ones - I’ve seen four loved ones in the chapel. At all times they looked to me like they were sleeping. One looked 20 years younger. Another looked less weary - I took that as he was no longer in pain. I’m so glad that I went to see them & was hugely comforting to me.

Interesting thread thank you

I saw my grandmother's body, she was 101 and I went to the chapel to see her. She looked much more comfortable than I thought and looked like she was asleep but still looked like my grandmother too. It wasn't a pleasant experience and I remember thinking at the time that it would look awful if I just went in and out but I could only stay a few moments as it was a strange thing for me. I'm glad I did it though.
Seeing her was easier than doing the reading at the crematorium.

What should you look for when choosing a funeral director?

In the case of sudden death I imagine it'd just be a lucky dip. Is there a way to be more prepared?

Could you choose one randomly, and then shop around, as it were? Or is there not much difference in basic prices?
Do funeral directors publish their prices online?

Oohnarna, thank you so much for doing this. I have a question which I haven't seen asked yet, and I do apologise but it is potentially upsetting and graphic.

My xh took his own life a couple of months ago by walking in front of a train. As you can imagine, there was no viewing of the body (and thank god I didn't have to identify him as he was known to the police). We had a cremation service and one of my children has become rather fixated on the size of the coffin. He was a big man in life, 46" chest and also very overweight. She is convinced that the coffin looked too small, specifically that it wasn't broad enough at the shoulders. We don't know exactly how he looked in death but we do know that there was substantial trauma to his body.

Can you explain a little how you deal with people who have died due to trauma? I think my daughter is concerned that they just squished him in (I'm sure they didn't but it may help if I can reassure her). And I'm really sorry if my question has upset anyone.

Thank you for this. I've realised that some conversations need to be had in my family about what sort of funerals we would all want.

I've a couple of Scotland vs England questions. I've only attended 1 English funeral but lived beside a FH for a short time.

In Scotland funerals are normally within 5-7 days, 2 weeks at the most if they have passed around the Christmas period. I have never seen horses or doves at Scottish Funerals.

Why is there such a delay for English funerals? What percentage of funerals have horses and doves?

In Scotland there is normally a service at either the church or FH and a quick service at the crem (30min slot).
The one straight to cerm funeral I've been to was like a normal funeral without the first service.

The English funeral I've been to they only had one piece of music played at the cerm. Nobody said a word, no prayers, nothing. Was that just personal choice or the English norm?

@TitsalinaBumSquash Sorry to butt in on the thread but I noticed you asked about a family member dying during surgery earlier. I just wanted to reassure you that she would have had her surgical scar closed. Also, her dignity would have been maintained in theatre at all times, she wouldn't have been left uncovered, or alone. She would have had a wash and a fresh gown put on and I always used to talk to patients whilst we were doing this. Hopefully that is of some comfort.

When I was an hca we would do last offices when a patient died in hospital. If a person died at home is this something a fd would do for them, do families ask to do this/are they allowed?
All my family members have died in hospital or in one case (suicide) needed a pm so I don't know what happens at home. Thanks.

You sound absolutely lovely @oohnarna - if I ever need to arrange a funeral I'd like it to be with someone like you. Where are you based north or south?

Can I ask who makes the deceased look peaceful/resting and how they do it?

I'm presuming that make-up is used in some (all?) cases.

What happens in particularly difficult cases where there's significant discolouration of the face? Is there a point where you advise the family not to view their relative

(I'm asking this as someone I know took their own life and I can't help but wonder how they would have looked to the family - another mutual friend was told that she didn't look like her at all)

Thank you for this thread op

This may be more a question for a mortuary attendant but when I went to see my late DH in the chapel of rest I noticed that he had a neat trianglar shaped nick taken out of one of his earlobes. I have always wondered why. Can you cast any light?

In response to those asking about what happens if no one is able to pay for the funeral -

One of my patients (I was a nurse working in a hospital) died but was estranged from his daughter. She was notified of the death but did not want any part in the arrangements.

The funeral was arranged and paid for by the council.

I went along to the funeral as I didn't like the idea of someone being buried alone.

I was so surprised at what happened. The coffin arrived in a hearse with the undertakers. The funeral was conducted, by a minister, in exactly the same way as any other funeral I have ever been to. It was so respectfully done, with a service and music etc. The funeral directors had no idea that anyone would be going so this wasn't done for my benefit.

I was really touched that everyone involved provided such a beautiful, respectful service for someone that had no one to mourn him.