As promised Funeral Director here (waves)

[oohnarna]

I am ready for your questions!

I will do my best to answer, I have a few bits I am doing at home but will answer regularly throughout the evening as much as I can.

The Scottish Government announced this week that charges for the burial or cremation of children under the age of 18 are to be abolished. I don't know if this applies only to local authorities or to private crematoria as well. Apparently this brings Scotland into line with England (and Wales?).

I was speaking about this with a local funeral director today. He said that in the past they have always absorbed this cost - in other words, the FD paid the fees, but didn't pass them on the family as they don't charge for children's funerals.

Thank you oohnarna, shrimpii and Kermit for demistifying death. I think half my fear comes from not knowing !

Mrs mad - I can't speak for all but I would hope all are like us. If rings are asked to stay on - they stay on.
Most FDs have a strict process for ID and sealing down the coffin, with witnesses and signatures so that the items to stay are confirmed they are in there.

Diva - there is a lot of hard work and there is so much that could go wrong. Attention to detail is a must.

Oh that is such a relief thank you Oohnarna l am very happy to hear this .

Fascinating thread, thank-you. My older brother is likely to die with no assets at all and lives on benefits. He has never been married/had children and parents are deceased. Will my other siblings and I be liable for funeral expenses? We are employed but not wealthy.
It crosses my mind every now and then that, much as I love him, we’d really struggle to find these funds.

Thanks. So if he doesn't take out a plan, the cost will fall to me and siblings? And if the plan isn't fully paid we have to make up the shortfall?

I really don't agree with relatives having to foot the bill (not at you OP, just in general).

I have also been to a few post mortems mainly as a medical student. I am certainly no expert on post mortems, but essentially the examination is very thorough and involves close inspection and weighing of all of the main organs. This requires quite an extensive incision. In my understanding, they must use very large, tough stiches because of the need to hold the bony ribcage/sternum back together.

Even in living persons after cardiac surgery the incision site is large and obvious with big non-dissolvable sutures fairly high on the chest because they need to be able to keep the sternum closed. You will not find an individual who has had open heart surgery without a significant visible central chest scar as a rule.

In deceased persons, their tissues are not going to heal, and it's vital that everything remains neat and tidy and closed possibly for days/weeks after the PM and until the funeral takes place. The contents of the body may expand in this time adding further pressure on the sutures. So there is a reason they are large, non-dissolvable and obvious. It is not for a lack of care.

If it is any comfort to someone who's relative has had a PM, the bodies are handled with great care and respect in my experience. There are mortuary technicians who do the suturing, they also bathe the bodies after the PM. And wash their hair. I had seen quite a few bodies leave the PM in a cleaner and nicer state than they entered. They take great care in moving and handling the bodies. Dead people in the mortuary aren't alone. They have lots of other dead people to keep them company. It's very levelling. I don't know why, I just find that nice.

If there is no money you can contact the council who would do an environment health funeral - however they do look into any surviving relatives income first, so it is not a given. If you refuse to be involved/pay - ultimately this would be the route. You would be allowed to attend, but would get no say in the date and time and it is usually a burial.

There are lots of budget funeral directors popping up that might help.

Also if anyone is on benefits contact the DWP to make a claim for help towards the funeral.

Some charity's help to - like SSAFA

You can also take a funeral plan out for someone else - they don't even have to know. So if you know you are going to end up with the bill you could start paying for it now.

Thanks so much! That would never have occurred to me and would work!

oohnarna can you say what to look out for when choosing a funeral plan please?
How detailed would it have to be, music & prayers for instance?

Sorry to be so late!

A funeral plan can be really detailed or really simple - it's up to you really.

You get plans that you can purchase directly from an FD or third party plans that you can usually get via online or someone will visit you at home.

All are okay, just make sure you know what you are getting. For example some seem cheaper but don't cover the third party costs (cremation fee etc)

My DM died when I was a teenager & her fiance paid for the funeral.

Her ashes are still at the FD, I don't get on with her fiance and I've tried numerous times over the past 10+ years to get hold of her ashes but he won't reply to anything I send to him and the FD won't let me have them either as their contract is with him as he paid for the funeral.

Where can I go from here - is there anything I can do?
Thank you!

That is awful for you crisps - not much you can do directly with the FD.

You could instruct a solicitor to contact your brother. The FD would likely want a letter from your brother authorising you to collect the ashes instead of him.

Sorry her fiancé not your brother - it's getting late

No worries - I did think it is getting a little late in the day!
Thank you for your answer!

@oohnarna my best friend died 4 weeks ago from a. Drugs overdose.

He's had a post mortem and I am considering going to see him next week before his funeral.
I'm not sure whether he was embalmed or not - the PM wasn't until 3 weeks after he'd died so not sure if embalming is possible in those circumstances.
I'd like to ask what kind of condition he's going to be in now a month on ? I can't face seeing him if he's going to look awful

Thanks for this thread, and to Shrimpi and Kermit

crispsandsandwiches I'm going to PM you
to so many people on this thread.

Zena - I would recommend seeking advice from the FD, they should be able to advise you whether visiting is a good idea on not. Do not forget you could always visit a closed coffin, I know it's not quite the same perhaps but I find it still gives people comfort and the chance to say goodbye. Maybe ask the FD to play some of his favourite music or spray some of his aftershave xx

I know a funeral director, it's been a life long career. I've heard all sorts of stories so it doesn't really shock me anymore.

One thing that did touch me was that they were really stoic and were adamant they would never cry at anyone dying. Then we had a funeral the first they'd been too in a very long time, I got separated from them unfortunately, it was hard seeing them get upset at this funeral.

I was annoyed at the fact that the next of kin can dictate everything, down to who sees the deceased, as I would have wanted to say goodbye.

I was also told by this FD that usually names are taken at funerals and if you are down as 'do not enter' they will diplomatically as possible refuse entry. Also they are on call generally 24/7 365 days a year. There is a rota, you can be called out at any time. If your FD works with other agencies to deal with removing bodies, you can deal sadly with people who have been deceased a while.

Can I ask as the FD I know won't answer this. I noticed that a relatives coffin was at an angle at the feet facing forwards I think. Why would that be?

Do you have a loathing of agencies over family run businesses like the person I know does. They claim that family run businesses do the trade properly.

I have a real fear of death/deceased bodies (catholic upbringing and bodies being brought into church etc didn't help). I have always said I would never visit DPs in chapel of rest but reality is I may very well have to. Can you tell me what the process would be - would it be an open casket, will I have to be on my own etc. How will they look or smell