As promised Funeral Director here (waves)

[oohnarna]

I am ready for your questions!

I will do my best to answer, I have a few bits I am doing at home but will answer regularly throughout the evening as much as I can.

Hi thedaydreamer - not sure what you mean by the angle?

As for big companies over family run? I work for a big company and although I am sure most family run places are great - I know one which isn't so great.

Thanks for replying oohnarna, I'll look more into Funeral Plans, it's all quite a worry really as costs are rising.

Jakadall - generally for visiting in the chapel of rest the coffin lid is off - however you can ask for it on if you prefer.

Our chapels smell fine, we always suggest bringing in favourite Perfumes or aftershave so it smells like them. We have nice music playing but also can put families own music on. You can drink tea in there too! Also we would always come in with you if you wanted us too or leave you to it if you prefer.

oohnarna - I appreciate it's late and you've been kindly answering questions for ages but I asked a question upthread that's really been on my mind regarding my twin's condition in the chapel of rest and when you have time I would really appreciate your thoughts.

She was in her 30's when she died and was on life support for 3/4 days before dying. in the Chapel of Rest her face was changing literally every few seconds before our eyes i.e. nose flattening, face broadening. I was wondering if this could have been due to the weakened muscles from being on life support? Would appreciate knowing if you have any idea what could have caused this. Thank you

I just remembered another post I didn't reply to. Someone said they were charged money for someone to be transferred to one FD to another?

We have this sometimes, perhaps the nursing home have called us by mistake but it should have been another FD, we complete the removal and then realise the funeral is not for us.

What should happen is the actual FD would collect from us and we would invoice that FD the removal fee.

That FD in my view should not pass on that charge to a family - it's not their fault and ultimately the FD didn't have to do the removal so there was no cost implication to them. They are basically paying us instead of their own team - so no need to add an extra cost to the family.

We would never pass that cost to one of our clients. Lots of other FDs (especially independent, family run ones) do though.

Hi Rusty - so sorry I missed your one. I am not really sure to be honest.

From a personal view - I was with my step father when he died at home with no life support, just him in bed and he kind of 'sunk' too.

Sorry for all the bad grammar guys.

Tired!

Will check in tomorrow incase anyone has anymore questions.

Also I apologise if I have missed anyone - feel free to ask again if I have x

Can you explain "direct to crem" with a little more detail - how direct is direct? What does the direct-ness miss out? Can that be direct from home/hospital to crem? How long is direct likely to take? Hours, days, weeks etc. Sounds like something we would definitely consider doing, again I love my folks but would rather do our own private thing once we had dealt with the body quick and cheap..

No problem, thank you for taking the time to answer

It was the most surreal thing I ever saw, I will never forget it. I feel so guilty about wanting to just get out of there. I might contact the FD and ask them if they have ever experienced that before. I don't expect them to remember 5 years ago but I hope they don't mind me asking.

Thank you again for this thread x

@RustyParker

Sorry I know I'm not the person you asked but I thought I might try to help.

I'm not sure that anyone will be able to give you a clear, definitive answer to your question; only speculation.

I would say that what you describe doesn't seem to happen to the faces of living people who spend weeks or months on ITU (though they may become swollen, or thin or a combination).

I expect the sinking/flattening changes you noted are related to natural processes occurring after death. Muscles go through a few different changes, first slackening and then sometimes tightening or contracting before slackening again (or not). Because a person's muscle tone and voluntary control of the facial muscles forms such a big part of what they look like when they are alive (their cheeky smile, their kindly eyes etc), it seems that the appearance of the face can change quite a lot just because those muscles aren't working any more. From my (reasonably limited) experience a "sunken" appearance is quite common. Because your sister was so young, the contrast may have been a lot greater than in an elder person who's facial features often look a bit more sunken naturally as they age (when alive). We have a lot of muscles working continuously to support our tissues - when that tone disappears structures would appear less full, or less taut, and perhaps more prone to the effects of gravity.

The changes I can think of occurring from ITU is patients may develop some puffiness (dependant oedema) especially of hands and feet; and being intubated could cause swelling or bruising to the lips, marks on the cheeks where the tube was fixed or worst case scenario broken teeth (I'm sure you would know if that had happened however, it's quite unusual). As well as marks from the location of IV cannulas or other devices.

@RustyParker

Maybe if your sister had some facial oedema from ITU this could redistribute (in the direction of gravity) after her death? Possibly contribute to a wider/flatter appearance of her face? But I am only making a guess.

Can I ask
What are you meant to do if someone dies very suddenly? Like, if I woke up tomorrow and found a relative had died in their sleep, would I need to call my local funeral director or call 101/999? What should be your first point of contact when you find someone who has passed?

I wouldn't know what to do in this situation.

I was extraordinarily grateful to the FD when my mum died

We're Jewish, and the funeral home (who the synagogue recommended) were amazing

She died at home on a Friday morning, the GP came to certify her, then a couple of hours later max the gentlemen from the funeral home came to collect her body.

I don't know if the chevra kadisha were provided by the synagogue to the funeral home, or the funeral home had their own arrangements, but it was a comfort to know that she wasn't alone at any point until she was buried, as that would have mattered to her

All we had to do was drop in the green form before the end of the day and the FD told us they'd take care of the rest. There literally wasn't anything else for us to do because there's no choosing of coffins or clothes or funeral service etc. Because she died on a Friday - and Jewish funerals can't be help on a Saturday - , she was actually buried on the Sunday, so 48h rather than the customary 24h later.

I can't imagine having to wait weeks between a loved one passing and their funeral - I was so very grateful that everything was organised so swiftly and professionally

If you do Jewish burials, how does it work with your funeral home and the Jewish burial rites (and what's the relationship with a chevra kadisha (Jewish burial society) if so?)

Such a fascinating thread, thank you OP!

Can I put in my wishes that I absolutely do NOT want my mouth sutured?!

What a fascinating thread. Thanks for all your help and care, OP.

My question is, why do funerals happen so much later these days? Previously a funeral would take place around a week after the death. Now it seems it is about a three week internal between the death and the funeral. What has changed?

Lifewill thank you , that's what I thought happened, out of hours GP's are often run off their feet at weekends though. Nurses who care for the person in their final weeks, days and hours in their home are often the first people there following a persons death or are actually present when someone dies. I think it would be appropriate for those nurses to have training to confirm a death in these circumstances, where a death is fully expected.

Silky black - you could put in your funeral plan that you do not want your mouth suturing. Please know though - suturing is always completed gently and the overall look is better in my view.

There is a longer wait for funerals generally due to death rate but in addition families generally want peak times so there is a longer wait for them.

For example you will get a 9am funeral much sooner then a 12pm

I have certainly seen a change in the years I have been in the job - there is more choice and extras available which can mean the FD needs more time between funerals meaning less funerals each day.

We have a great relationship with our synagogue and always manage to get the funerals the next day !

Snuffehuff call the paramedics

What are the most popular times and days for a funeral?

What's the price difference between the least and most popular times and are the costs of the different times fixed or can they vary.
It reminds me a little of supermarket delivery slots. 🤔

Fridays are quite popular. Most people like 11:30/12:00 so they can have lunch at the wake.

Cost wise, here it's the same cost whatever day or time Monday to Friday. Extra cost for Saturday or Sunday.

Frumpety - some parts of the country do train nurses to certify a death I believe. Locally there is a hospice at home charity who provide nursing care to those with life limiting illnesses, and they have been working with the hospital and if I recall correctly the paramedics as well to train them on certifying a death where it has been expected due to terminal illness. They also offer bereavement counselling, and whilst they didn't end up providing nursing care for my Dad, their support and assistance with many matters running up to his death was superb, and they continued to keep in touch afterwards as well with the same kind of compassion as shown throughout and by the FD team.

thank you for doing this. its so informative and interesting to know more about the behind the scenes processes. when my father died, i was so so grateful for the professionalism and care of the FD. they were amazing and caring at our lowest time.

Is the Coop as bad as I think it is? We had an awful experience with them, they showed little to no respect to the body. I like to hope we just had a bad time with them and it’s not nationwide.