BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

[HarrietKettle]

I picked up an abandoned copy of this in the canteen today had forgotten all about it- used to love reading my Nan's copies.

The style of writing is totally the same, it made me laugh.

1. babies are never just born, they are 'pushed into the world'

2. you don't just think 'I might be pregnant, I must take a test'. It has to be 'I gripped the table as a wave of nausea washed over me. I sat thoughtfully. Then I put on my coat, and walked to the chemist, then returned back to my home in Botley Grange, Lancs, with a package. I followed the instructions. I paced nervously with the little white stick in my hand. Finally, it was time to look. I was pregnant!'

3. there is a headline on the front that reads 'BRIDE'S AGONY- BUM TORN APART BY WEDDING DRESS

The poor woman had compartment syndrome, maybe but not definitely caused by the excersize she was doing in the run up to her wedding

Anyway it's made me laugh, and at home tonight I'll probably be narrating in my head things like 'the cat meowed with glee as I entered the front door of my flat in Hinkley Ave, Berks. 'Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Mavis' I muttered as she fixed me with a meaningful stare. My partner, Gary, was working late yet again. Sighting, I reached for the bar of chocolate I'd treated myself to and settled down to watch the soaps'

Anyone care to add a Take a Break Style narration from their day?

@drinkswineoutofamug There's another inanimate object lover in the closer magazine on readly. She 'married' Merry the carousel. One of the pictures was her on one of the horse and the caption said it was of her consummating their marriage Does the closer magazine repeatedly run the relationship with inanimate object stories?

I have activated a readly trial just so I could read these now that I have discovered them (thanks to OP!). An entire evening of reading them so far, I cannot believe I never knew about them before!

I read one once where a woman stated 'he really loved me. He took me for romantic meals at kfc' and another 'it was true love. He had my name tattooed on his penis'

Really guilty pleasure (waiting room at the dentist)

Oh gosh yes I love these! The perfect guilty pleasure.

My face top tips I've seen

• stick banana peel on the bottom of do shoes, then you can pull them along in the supermarket
• bring home drink cup from the movie and you ll have a "designer" toothbrush holder (this one had a pic of said toothbrush holder, an old Pepsi cup)

*dc shoes

The Buzzfeed headlines are amazing. I’m SO intrigued by “Carjacked! And forced to eat meat pies!”

Keiran what do you know of this Mirfield place??

Gummy - as a bit of a Closer addict, yes, they really like their 'I married an inanimate object' stories.

I was in Closer once, about 15 years ago, when I was in an open relationship. Did it to help a journalist friend out and never got paid a thing!

Fave headline from about 20 years ago:

"CRAZY! Only this bag keeps me sane."

Think she was a bit OCD and liked to be sure she had certain items with her, keys, money, phone, hairbrush, lippie).

There was also a story about someone who was addicted to carrots and jaffa cakes and apparently turned orange. All began when someone broke her heart, obvs.

Loving this thread. What a treat.

Has anyone mentioned 'PET OF THE MONTH' yet?

It comes complete with a photo of some suicidal, long suffering animal, usually dressed up in a santa hat, and written as if it's some real maverick who breaks the mould on what a 'normal' pet should be.

Name - Belle
Breed - Longhaired Tortoise shell
Likes - Cat treats, fuss and being scratched behind the ear !!!!!!!!
Dislikes - My hubbie Graham !!!!!!!

"Now im slowly building my life back together" after a story where a woman is almost killed by her ex/had to move because of horror neighbours/is recovering from botched cosmetic surgery/romped with her boss and got caught by the gobshite secretary/just got back from the holiday from hell.(delete as applicable). Complete with sad face picture

I kid you not there was a top tip in chat years ago that had me and sil dying with laughter....’for a quieter poo with less splash back, put some loo roll in the loo first’

One of the ones I was reading last night said it paid an exorbitant amount of money for photos (£75?) and one photo was the back of a cats head sitting on a laptop. I'm wondering what I could send in a picture of that was just as ridiculous.

My favourite from your post Beep has to be

SOCKS FOR EYEBROWS ON OUR WEDDING DAY

Gavin's "mischievous" stags had shaved off his brows the night before after he collapsed after a few too many. He made the sensible decision to turn up to the wedding with a cleverly cut out piece of black sock glued over each eye.
Good thinking Gavin.

I LOVE this thread! It’s had me giggling for the past ten minutes. Or rather, ‘As I sat drinking my steaming cuppa on a sunny morning looking forward to the weekend ahead, I chuckled and smiled as I read this thread on Mumsnet.’

kieran I remember Mel, and her mum Molly!

Their stories were obviously complete crap that never happened, usually centred around them getting a famous person's name slightly wrong. I remember how excited they were retelling their story of how they mixed up Jack Nicholson with Jack Nicklaus

Woman who married a tree: People think I'm barking. I wish they'd leaf me alone

They always make me laugh around Christmas - "I caught my fella stuffing another bird!"

ilostitintheearly

Gavin is so caraaazzyy. What a kook.

I love this thread! I very occasionally buy TAB, the covers always make me laugh. And yes, the writing style is always the same . I love catching up on other magazines at the hairdressers. Light entertainment.

I buy a couple every week... they keep me highly entertained whilst waiting for clients to turn up. I must look odd, sat in my car, chuckling (for all the right/wrong reasons).

The one I always remember was the 16 year old who gave birth on the bathroom floor when she didn’t even know she was pregnant I was 13 when I read that #traumatised

Honest to goodness I have used pantliners instead of plasters if shoes rub, they are longer and stickier.
I'm going to send it into top tips next week complete with photo.

OP - please, please continue with your love rat story

‘My Ninja kitten left me for dead’ that was a corker

ASLAM and DAWN PART 4 (the conclusion) coming up this eve