Household objects that are pricks

[TossDaily]

My toaster, for one. Shits crumbs everywhere, no matter how often you clean it out. I swear it holds them back and waits for an inconvenient moment to let rip.

My hoover is a fucking clumsy twat as well. It keeps tripping over its own lead and pulling its plug out.

Anyone else got a deep hatred of their so-called labour-saving devices?

yes I'm bored of cleaning now

Oh God I’ve been howling at these!! So funny and bloody true

My fridge. One night it started making this horrendous growling noise like a soul in torment. Kept me up all night it was so loud. Dh cane back off his night shift and found my bleary eyed and cursing. He calmly opened it and removed a rogue parsnip from the fan. Noise disappeared instantly. I now refer to it as the piss taking bastard in the corner.

Printer here too. Has decided to refuse to acknowledge the existence of my laptop and will only listen to my mobile. So I have to email stuff as an attached work doc to myself and access email account on my phone to print it out.

Even then, it's sodding temperamental. Huffs and puffs and promises to print. Sounds like it's printing. Throws out page after page of bloody blank sheets. I just give up in the end and go downstairs. Three hours later, cone up to bed and find it's sneakily printed stuff whilst my back's been turned and dropped the sheets in an unordered mess of the floor. Sits there winking at me with its one fucking green eye.

Henry the shitty hoover. Yes to taking chunks out of plaster or wooden door frames, being top heavily so tumbles regularly and lies on its stupid side with that inane grin. I hate it.

Then there's my mother's plug in door bell. If you ever dare push in another plug next to it, it rings, sending you off hurriedly to open the door. Only there's no-one bloody there! My mother explained tonight that it doesn't like sharing its double socket ...

Aha I am a printing ninja. I aproach the office with no intention of printing, arse about, do some filing, look out of the window and then press print when it least expects it. Screw you printer!!

However our kettle is a complete bell end. Anymore than 1.5 cups of water and it can't cope - cue boiling water dripping from its spout. Every sodding morning.

Oh god how can I have forgotten the kettle! We have slightly sub par electrics in our kitchen so lovely electrician told us that we had to downgrade from posh 3KW Philips (which makes roughly the same noise as a 747 on takeoff but is otherwise great) to an underpowered one which won’t blow our fuses. Turns out that if you go out to buy an underpowered POS kettle your choices are restricted to shit kettles. There was only one on offer in local department store. I checked Amazon reviews, they said “it’s shit, the spout leaks all over the place”. It was still the only one meeting lovely spark’s specs though so I paid up with an ominous feeling of doom. You will be unsurprised to hear that it’s a POS and sprays water all over the hob. On the upside it doesn’t trip the fuses, but I do find myself wistfully looking at the box in the cellar holding my lovely retired Phillips. How bad can it be...?

Firstly my potato peeler that likes to relieve my fingers of their skin all the while leaving starch deposits in the exposed bone causing muchos pain!

And secondly and perhaps the most saddening of all was my much loved robot vacuum. I splashed out on a fancy model. With a sensitive front sensor meaning we wouldn't lose bits of lego, barbie shoes, coins and so on. Great feature I'm sure you'd agree. Except it doesn't seem to 'sense' dog shit. Resulting in me returning home to be hit by a wall of shit when I opened the door. Now I didn't immediately understand what was going on. Until I looked down, and the entire downstairs was a maze of dog shit trails. If that's not a dick move, then I don't know what is!

I won't go into detail about the clean up of the actual robot and it's brushes 🤢

The new dryer! First, you have to spend an hour checking the instructions to work out which of the 287 drying modes you should use, followed by an evening of candlelit wining and dining and gentle caressing to get the damn thing to start going. And then once it’s done, it beeps every 30secs (for an hour!) insisting that you empty it, you lazy, slatternly, layabout.

I hoovered my toaster the other day and they are STILL coming out of it.

now all my twatting appliances are built in... WHY? i hear you ask... precisely! my dishwasher consists of about 6 buttons: on, off, ‘eco’ aka doesn’t even dissolve the tablet, medium and hot, something else possibly. because it’s built in it doesn’t feel that we deserve any kind of indication whatsoever. not even a tiny little yes or no light. so half the time we fling it open mid cycle, and the other half of the time we fail to open it whilst still steamy to get it dry and i don’t even want to think about what a breakdown will entail.

my vax needs a macerator attachment before it blows up because all it’s little spiny bits are snarled up with my hair. why can’t vacuums cope with long hair? isn’t that a normal type of human debris? how the fuck does it expect me to remove it???

Our kitchen tap is a cunt, turn it on slightly and water comes out like some sort of fire hose, you get a soaking just for washing your hands. Don’t even try and rinse a tea spoon...

The toilet is a cunt too, every now and then it thinks it’s funny to detach a little tube in the cistern and leak water everywhere. Fucking pain in the arse.

My Dyson ball vacuum is an utter prick with its ridiculous tiny wheels and unbalanced ball design supposed to keep it upright. It. Does. Not. Work!

I have to spend half the time carrying it so it doesn't topple over and slide around on its side. Stupid thing! It also boasts "easy access design" so blockages can be cleared...all well and good, except for the hose end where it narrows and bends at an inaccessible angle that can only be cleared by the use of a wire coat hanger. Poor design! Shame on you Mr Dyson!

My front loading washing machine is another bastard. It sings a creepy tune to alert me to the end of a wash cycle that has kept me waiting for over two hours, and then doesn't let me open the bloody door forcing me to wait in the laundry like an idiot for another three or four minutes until it deigns to let me have access to my washing. Bossy prick!

Also have a general hatred of inanimate objects that "talk" to me. Microwave, I'm looking at you. Also the car, which likes to beep incessantly at you to put on a seat belt or remove keys from the ignition. Just shut the fuck up the lot of you!

Oh yes! And the fridge, fucking thing beeps incessantly if you have the door open for longer than three seconds searching for that elusive ingredient.

Just shut the fuck up!

SnowyBody

Printers! Yes, they are all bastards. Telling me to remove a paper jam when there is no paper in there. Or pretending to be asleep and "offline" when it is bloody well on.

My iron. Decides to SELF CLEAN when I'm ironing a white shirt. Every fucking time. maybe I should read the instructions to figure out why it's doing this

I give you me with the printer.......

TiesThatBindMe

my god, that you tube clip!

I feel I've tapped a well-spring of frustration.

I no longer have a kettle or a toaster. This has helped me no end. BUT...

I do not understand how to use my oven. As far as I can tell the temperature settings are completely random, and it decides on a whim whether to ignore the food altogether or to char it into ashes.

Also my stupid stupid car. I have never found it particularly arduous to put my keys in the ignition. This car only requires them to be in the car with me, apparently. But unless they are EXACTLY where it wants them to be it will huff and beep and sulk about it. And if I DARE to put anything on the passenger seat (a handbag, a parking ticket) it will go BALLISTIC at me until I put the fucking seatbelt on a ducking empty seat to stop the incessant WHINGING!!!!

It's worse than a toddler

My mobile phone (does that count) when I have it on silent every buggy rings and when I have the volume on no one rings when I FaceTime my DG kids and take a cute pic of them I have a pic of myself with my best bed head mid blink or looking confused as I'm wondering if the pic took then on checking my Facebook while I'm working night shift I find I have no wifi and then I go to make a call and my batteries flat ggrrrrhhh but it sounds good when I say it's an iPhone and it looks kinda smooth too.

LMAO at having to strap your parking ticket in.

Everything beeps incessantly in my kitchen, except the one thing that I need to hear from, which is my electric hob. The bastard made me burn my ear on its hot service when I bent over it to listen to the near inaudible buzz coming out of it.
Oh, and the printer; the bloody printer. It took me 2 hours to prepare a document, and then the printer told me I didn't have the latest driver, (what the hell does a printer need a driver for), so I went to the company web site, and they told me that they don't do a driver for my printer as the computer now has Windows 10. I could have written the document out by hand in half the time.

This is hilarious. You all know of course you can silence your appliances - they ALL have a setting to mute them - you just have to google it. My washing machine and dishwasher no longer chirp. My engineer boyfriend told me when I had a complete meltdown about the bastarding dishwasher (which subsequently caught fire so I was right about that prick). Dishwasher, not boyfriend.

Does anyone else have a Brita water filter that only pretends to have the lid on correctly and then dumps unfiltered water all over the worktops just to fuck with you?

Goldenbug some utensils are worse than others for locking themselves in the kitchen drawers and destroying the drawers when you try to crowbar them out. I give you...Potato ricer, potato masher, balloon whisk. They need to be put in an isolation cupboard.

Alexa. 'She' only ever seems to listen to my husband.

I realise this says A LOT more about me!

The shitting stupid remote control thermostat for the shitting stupid boiler. It's not working even though it has new batteries. There seems to be no record of this boiler model having ever existed and no way of getting a replacement control. I just want my central heating to go on. I'm cold.