Household objects that are pricks

[TossDaily]

My toaster, for one. Shits crumbs everywhere, no matter how often you clean it out. I swear it holds them back and waits for an inconvenient moment to let rip.

My hoover is a fucking clumsy twat as well. It keeps tripping over its own lead and pulling its plug out.

Anyone else got a deep hatred of their so-called labour-saving devices?

yes I'm bored of cleaning now

My shower curtain, clings to me every time. Grabby twat! Won’t be so happy when I get a screen!

daenerys definitely fair!

I never knew I had so many utter pricks taking up space in my home until I read these and started thinking about it.

There's the toaster. A 4 slice that will only toast 2 by virtue of only heating up properly in the middle. Gah!

Breville hot cup that alternately only fills half a cup or overflows all over the counter. The bastard!

Brita filter. The lid won't fit back on EVERY TIME I change the filter. You'd think it'd be grateful for a nice clean filter but oh no... it sees it's chance to fuck with me and takes it. Bastard thing refuses to sit right so that it's either loose and comes off at the slightest hint of a tip, or the bloody pouring hole won't flip open as it's stuck on the handle.

Don't even get me started on the printer. I reckon it's never forgiven me for the paper guide snapping off. Only alternate threats, bribes and bashing with a hammer can coax any action out of it.

Fast charging lead for my phone is anything but. And occasionally won't work at all.

The enter button on my remote refuses to respond about 80 percent of the time. Particularly annoying when the TV is doing it's random countdown to switching itself off and I can't stop it. Even though I'm SAT RIGHT THERE desperately and impotently pressing it.

Every touch lamp I've ever had has refused to work properly after the bulb explodes and from there on has to be turned on and off at the plug. Yet I keep buying them.

Why do I give houseroom to these evil, power crazed maniacs?

Forgot the smoke alarm. Random slow beeps getting increasingly urgent until I give in and reset it. It's a non replaceable battery so in the end, I just took it down and bashed it with a mallet threw it away.

Fucking cheese grater. You know why. Fucker.

There was a pp with a go/pause button on their washing machine. I feel your pain. My bastard washing machine has one of those and countless times I've gone to it to take washing out and it's on fucking pause!! I swear it does it on purpose. Why even have that button! If you must have a pause button, (for what reasons I can't fathom) why make it the same button as the start button! Wanker!!

A remote control with buttons for play, stop, pause etc that are the TINIEST little hidden buttons at the bottom of the huge panel of many, many useless nice large buttons that have no purpose at all. why?

The washer with its attention-seeking beeping. Bastard.
You've all made my day and I am going to get off the sofa, figure out what bastarding model that thing is, and google how to get it to shut up after its legendary 2.5hr wash cycles. Any minute now.

Getting bikes out from around each other and from under their covering cloth (which incidentally seems waterproof, yet completely unable to keep the bicycle underneath it dry).

Bike seats that absorb water like very hard sponges, ensuring that no matter how you try to dry them off, how much you press on them, there is enough water in there to make your bum wet as soon as you start riding. The only solution is to put a kind of cycle nappy on them, a little terry and a carrier bag, and sit on that; eventually the terry extracts the water.

Coffee machine. I turn it on and it demands a water refill. Then it demands to have its grounds drawer emptied even though there is only one cup's worth in its drawer. You start making a coffee and it then runs out of beans, but has no warning that it is running low, so you end up with an insipid dribble of weak dishwater.

It also has a 6th sense for when our kitchen compost caddy is overfull and that is when it decides the grounds drawer needs emptying, so I end up with coffee grounds spilt all over the work surface.

Also, my little old CD player. Turn it on, it takes forever to decide to do anything. Put. CD in, it keeps scanning it for ages before it can be arsed to actually play the disc
If I hit pause, it ignores my request to play unless I keep on and on pressing the play button.
If I don't use the remote control and use 'forward' or 'pause' on the actual machine, it spits out the CD then sulks.

No contest - the slow cooker - it turns potentially yummy ingredients into inedible foul smelling and tasting crap.

Now used to make scented candles..

Door handles. Sneaky bastards always going up a sleeve tearing clothes and leaving bruises. Doors..always in the bloody way. Just pee off out of my way. Tossers. Oven that needs an extra pair of hands to take glass off of bottom bit (Oh great! More appendages to be assaulted by the bastards door handles) to clean only to get totally trashed after making oven chips

printer?

My fridge. It starts obnoxiously flashing at me if I dare to have it open for more than 5 seconds

My microwave! I bought it because it was very pretty. Serves me right.
The rotating motor jerks so hard that once it knocked a drink over inside.
It flooded. I washed it. The electrics started playing up. I couldn't afford to replace it. Now it must have rusted because as it goes round it makes these bloodcurdling metallic noises like the bloody Titanic going down.
It still works and hasn't burned the house down (yet) but we're never going to be friends 😠

I need to be very careful about what I say about my household objects as they are all ancient, proud, still-going-strong veterans and while they are still very good at what they do, they are very old (rather like the Rolling Stones). I'm expecting them all to drop in harness and if I'm not nice about them they will probably do it all at once.

The tumble dryer. Dries clothes. Doesn't beep. Will start drying when I tell it to and ask me how long for. No messing. Would have a very neat moustache if was in human form. And probably a smart bone-dry uniform.

The dishwasher. So elderly that its name is printed in fancy italics on the front and has an actual mechanical dial and an on/off button . Will only work with liquid, not powder and won't countenance any modern nonsense involving powerballs or tablets that you don't even have to unwrap... doesn't quite get the dishes dry but gives them a right proper clean and only takes about 40 minutes. I like to think of her as my daily char who should have retired 25 years ago but can do all kinds of magic with just soda crystals, and does much better job than a bright young thing who would probably just beep a lot and expect appraisals and Method cleaning products and things.

The hoover. Could extract dirt from a freshly sterilised operating theatre but has to shout about it, very loudly, the entire time. Has a terrifying whizzygoround attachment for doing the stairs which sounds like an RAF jet fighter getting ready for takeoff. Twenty minutes in its company and I've got a headache and need a lie down, it's how I imagine life with Brian Blessed might be like.

The washing machine. Eats huge loads of laundry all at once and spits them out clean. Occasionally grazes on socks, but don't they all? Was rescued from a charity shop, so probably is just grateful for a stable home life at last.

But the printer... the printer can fuck off.

@HottySnanky your post made me laugh so much, brilliant, specially the unexpected ending. 😂💛

I second everyone's hatred for Henry the Hoover. Mine is about 14 years old. DH loves it but it is too heavy for me and has caused many a nasty accident down the stairs. Last year the hose broke... yaaay😄😄😄! ... DH found a replacement parts bundle in eBay. Woopy fucking doo. 😠

Printer will print for DH. Oh yes, it loves DH.

Refuses to work for me, just cancels the job and even says that to my face.

I've tricked it though. I email everything to DH and he prints it for me. The printer must never find out...

HottySnanky love your post

I am cry laughing. I should be getting on with work but this thread has made my day!

In tears to some of these reply's, absolutely hilarious!
My rug, pissing rug, trips me up every morning spills my coffe, but still here it lays in my lounge

Oh and my vax hoover! Vax is the worst! (Easy and light weight) yeah like fuck is it

My car. The thing is the biggest nag in the northern hemisphere.

One particularly bad day I got in it and turned the engine on and the display said:
"Service now!" Yes I am fully aware you're due for a service
"Check tyre pressure" I can assure you, the tyre pressure is fine. And if you're so clever... which tyre?
"Car key battery low" ok thanks I'll get right on that

Then, when I go to get out of the car it goes "don't forget your mobile phone!" Oh fuck off! You're not my mum!!!!

Then there's the washing machine that says it's got 1 minute to go and still takes about half an hour. I'm sure it knows I'm waiting for it to stop.

My fucking laptop. Ignorant bastard knows I'm in a hurry the gleefully tells me it needs to shit down because I was clearly asking it to work too hard. Twat!

I can’t go there with the laptop - it’s too upsetting.

I wanted to mention the white bastard aka clothes airer, in my aunt’s house (she’s a masochist). She kindly lets us stay though and lives in Cornwall which likes to be wet when we’re there.

It demands a degree in engineering in order to assemble it to its exacting specifications and in doing so you live in trepidation of trapping a finger or just getting sucked in to its wiry frame completely. You’re never entirely sure you have put it up correctly and often need to get a second opinion. Once you’ve reassured each other it’s correct you have to creep away from it, as it’s very fragile and may collapse in tears at any moment.

Loading it can only be done in a moment of extreme zen with no time restraint whatsoever or small humans in the property. It’s best if they don’t know about the white bastard at all.

Clothing has to be balanced a la buckaroo with great consideration to weighting and thickness of fabric; you’re walking on egg shells with a towel, it’s just not worth the anxiety.

Then you’re waiting for things to actually get like dry. You need a pair of pants a couple of days later but they’re still wet, just a sign that you failed at distributing the clothes properly, you don’t know what you’re doing, stop taking liberties and GO HOME!