Sorry, but...warnings to the youngsters among us

[MumBod]

Sorry, but...white wiry eyebrows do happen to women.

...you may need to trim your nasal hair too.

...and there will come a time when you'd rather grate your nipples than enter a nightclub, hard as that may be to believe right now.

Any others?

Your daughter will stop borrowing your clothes because retro has tipped into frump.

The bands of your youth are on their second comeback tour. You can easily afford the hilarious ticket price but you can't be arsed attending, because when you went to the first comeback gig there weren't enough toilets and the bar queues were ridiculously long.

One day you will walk into River Island and think, bloody hell that music is loud, then never step foot in there again.

Shoes will only be purchased for comfort, not sexiness.

You realise you will hit menopause just as DD hits puberty.

You will develop the power of invisibility.

You then realise that when you typed the 'that's you, that is' bit you forgot that was from a part of The Mary Whitehouse Experience (whippersnappers: it's a tv show, a very very funny tv show, from the olden days) called 'History Today' and the irony makes you want to sob.

You'll find yourself actually looking with interest through the "old lady freebie catalogue" that comes through the door.

Sorry, but...

one day it will become simply unbearable to look in the mirror at the hairdressers, because the contrast between you and the tiny, taut-fleshed young thing doing your hair is just too painful to bear witness to. It will dawn on you that the 'unflattering lighting' doesn't seem to be as unflattering to her as it is to you.

You will see an actress or actor, or a sportsperson, whose parent or grandparent you remember from childhood.

Yes DoomGloom I loved History Today, I can remember David Baddiel and ? who was the other fella doing that

Rob Newman.

Sorry, but...

...you'll realise one day that you're the same age as your mum was when she became a grandma. And she wasn't a young teenage mum either.

You go to see your favourite bands and realise you have been attending their gigs for 30 years. How can I possibly be that old? How can they still be going!!

Nipple hairs sprout overnight. Only the occasional few so no matter how vigilant you are you sometimes find a stray one a couple of inches long.

Sorry but...

...a time will come when you cannot contemplate attending a gig with no seats.

...you will one day be browsing the festival lineups, and there'll be one that includes lots of your favourites, and you'll just think, no. I simply cannot be arsed with this.

The SAGA magazine that MIL gets is really interesting, and actually quite relevant to you.

(And after a few years of reading it every time you visit...you don't need to borrow it any more, because the ILs have noticed your interest and lovingly, considerately, given you a gift membership for your 50th birthday!)

It was Rob Newman. I saw them live & almost wet myself laughing
I made DS watch clips on YouTube. He just looked at me like

When you read up on the latest Sgt Pepper feature you feel irritated because you've read it all before. Then you remember, that's because you were around for the 20th anniversary of Sgt Pepper... these features are written for a younger generation for whom this is all new.

you wondered who bought those teeeeny tiny bits of fillet steak, or poncey miniature lamb chops because, I mean, c'mon, it's just one bite and it's gone

then all your hollow legged children are gone, a decent sized roast does you and dh all week PLUS stuff in the freezer, you are sick to death of cold cuts, and frankly anything more than a teaspoon of food make you fatter than an elephant, and suddenly that little pork fillet or minute steak looks very appealing just a couple of chips, and pass the salad please

You're going to regret that sunburn...

I'm 37 and ever since I had kids 6 years ago I NEVER go anywhere that I can't sit down on a chair with a back. Non of that standing or sitting on stools for me

You twig how old you are when you notice that the end of World War I was closer to your year of birth than is the present day.

As for Mary Whitehouse, I not only know who she was, I know someone who used to work for her.

Sorry, but...

your friendly chatter with the shop assistant is actually making them back away a bit.

Sorry, but...

you will one day start to call shop assistants 'love'. You'll hate yourself. But it will keep popping out anyway.

You'll start to comment on contempories who 'look well'. Not beautiful or handsome just not falling apart.

Some large bald man greets you on the street & you have no idea who he is but he definitely knows you, he says its me Sean. The man that made your heart flutter when you were 20. Now a fat bald man has swallow him

Sorry, but...

...you know how you somehow get served very quickly at bars? That'll change.

Although Sean is probably thinking the same of you