Random shite your parents tell you with utter conviction...

[CharleyDavidson]

but that you know is bollocks!

My Mum insists that anything that you can inherit genetically from your family always skips a generation.

My Mum's blood is negative. As is mine. She asserts that I must have inherited that from my Grandmother. And she must have inherited hers from her grandmother.

Bonkers. I know that genetic traits can skip generations, but not always and not with such predictability. But she won't have it.

That if you cough you have to immediately spit out the catarrh into a tissue because if you swallow it it goes into your lungs. She used to almost dive at my brother or me with a tissue "Quick!!! Spit it outtttt!!!"

No number of times explaining that what you swallow goes into your stomach helps.

DM categorically believes that Prince Charles invented Global Warming so that he would have something to talk about in his old age!

Tell me how to live my life OMG!!! I had exactly the same! I had the most excruciating cystitis when I was 13. I used to have to sit in a cold bath to urinate to numb the area it was so painful but I was told I was being ridiculous as you could only have cystitis after having sex!!!

Worst thing was she had been a nurse!!!!

Oh I've heard the 'green is unlucky' thing loads but specifically in relation to cars. I'm still too scared to get a green car even though I love green!

Red and white flowers mixed together are supposed to mean someone will die too.

That was my MIL who thought that.

My mum is adamant I left her 2 weeks after my dad died to go travelling. She often talks of how abandoned she felt, how my brothers couldn't believe I would leave her etc etc...... except I didn't!! I really didn't!!! When I did go travelling (3 years later), I Financed it by remortgaging a house I hadn't even bought until a year after my dad died. I have shown her stamps in my passport and emails I sent her. She truly believes those are from other trips and I'm wrong and have forgotten going on a year long round the world trip

That my hair is frizzy because I've dyed it too much. Except that I haven't dyed my hair for 16 years and it has always been frizzy. Apparently I've ruined my follicles .

That penis is pronounced "pianist".

That I should stop taking AD's because of UK's obesity problem, since I gained a little weight. fuck my mental health though, as long as I look acceptable

That the abuse we experienced as children was "all in our minds".

HIV is God punishing all the gays - to which my DSis made a reasonable argument that gay women are the least likely people to contract an STD. Cue mother flouncing off. DSis' area of expertise was HIV. We fucked off to the pub, and left mother sobbing over the turkey as she shoved stuffing up it's bum.

That I should be over the unexpected death of my husband by now who unexpectedly died 18 months ago, with whom I loved with all my heart., and that if I'd had a "little child" with him, he may still be alive.

I could go on, and should take this to the Stately Homes board really. Didn't mean to bring a downer on proceedings.

@MrTumblesbitch - feel your frustration. There's a certain type of narcissist person that will always maintain the facade of being the martyr. There's no reasoning with them.

My mum also believes he generation skipping thing! She also once told me - and this is definitely true because it was on phil and Fearne - that the factor on a Sun cream bottle indicates how often you need to put it on. So for example you have to put factor 10 on every 10 minutes. She didn't believe me when I said that bollocks as if you had factor 2, it probably takes 2 minutes to cover yourself entirely in cream, you'd literally spend all day putting sun cream on! She swears blind she's right!

I've since found out there's a little bit of truth to this - someone on here actually who did a course on sun protection - that it's down to your individual skin. So for example, I am pale as a ghost and would probably burn in about 20 minutes. So factor 10 would protect me for 200 minutes. However DH is part Israeli and it would take a full day for him to burn so factor 2 would do fine.

Or something

When I was 15 someone convinced me you could get a 6 inch whale as a pet and it never grows any bigger. My mum said I could have one if I went to the pet shop and bought it myself. My mum waited in the car. I bet I made their fucking day

Oh Lordy that's funny! I'm wide awake (apparently I'm in labour!) and I swear this nearly made my waters break laughing so hard

And if it helps fuck at aged 11 when I first went into town alone I finally popped into that shop I always passed by called "PRIVATE", as on the signs it says they sold toys, videos and books, and toy shops in my town were few and far between.

That's was a fucking eye opener for all involved I can tell you!

That Facebook is the route of all evil. Real life conversations between her and me and DSiblings.

Grandad has died, don't put it on the Facebook.

It is cancer, don't put it on the Facebook.

My pubic hair is falling out, don't put it on the Facebook.

Your niece has been born (text sent with photo of said niece) don't put it on the Facebook.

Yep because I was planning on announcing my nieces birth with said photo before DBro and SIL

I wouldn't care but none of us really put personal stuff on it. It drives me mad.

BillSykes : my mum had red roses as wedding bouquet. Apparently this is bad luck as it implies "blood and bandages", as per HER older rellies...

Also some Yorkshire/Lancashire thing about not mixing the counties

Unborn my FIL does that! Afamily member's unborn baby has recently been diagnosed with spina bifida and downs I was in such shock and the first thing he said after he told me was "don't put it on Facebook though" as if I would, I just share funny videos and the odd pic of DD, a bit offended that he thinks I'd be so insensitive

Cherry glad I'm not alone.

I'm very sorry about your family members baby

When I was a nipper , walking home on Christmas Eve with my mum. She points to, what I know now was an aeroplane , she tells me it was santa! I believed her for years.

WonderMike mine does this too.

She tells me someone died. I tell her I've never heard of them. She tells me of course I have and goes off on some long complicated explanation about where I know them from and who they were related to. I tell her I've still never heard of them, and as such I'm really not interested in their funeral arrangements, who is going, what their children do for a living, etc etc. She carries on telling me their entire life history. I feebly protest that how ever many times she tells me, I still haven't a bloody clue who they are. Aagghh!!!!!

LunaLoveg00d there is a girl at high school in Lanarkshire called Pocahontas. I don't know if her last name is McGinty right enough, but her first name is definitely Pocahontas. Until I saw for myself I was sure it was an urban legend too!

A relative of my mother's has profound mental and physical disabilities. My mother's explanation for this 'Well it's no surprise she's like she is, Steve ( her relative's father) is a real oddball. You should have seen the jumper he wore when I saw him last.

My dad is convinced that my eyesight is so bad because I wire my glasses too much as a teenager. Rather than I wire my glasses more and more as my eyesight got worse.

Wire = wore.

My mum has apparently taken time to do her doctorate in biology without anybody realising, as she is very adamant about inherited eye colour, to the extent of quoting (from her own brain) statistics.

She said, with absolute certainty if both parents have brown eyes their baby will have brown eyes, if one of the parents has blue eyes and the other brown the baby can ONLY have green or blue eyes. If the parents have one green and one blue, the baby will have green eyes.

If you then give her loads of examples of people you know where this pattern didn't follow she'll always say "Well, he's probably not the real father"

Partner and I, who both have brown eyes, had a blue eyed son, but there's no way she'd get away with insinuating partner isn't the real dad, so backed up her 'facts' with "Well 99.9% of the time it's true!"

I don't doubt there is truth in genetic traits and eye colour, but she just tailors the facts for her own reasoning

My parents are adamant that I attended (and must remember) events in the 1970s. For example, you remember Majorca in 1976, nope, yes you do, you have such a terrible memory.

I wasn't born until the 1980s and my earliest memories aren't until I'm 5 or 6 so the events are at least 10 years before my memory can recall - IF I had been alive!!!