Random shite your parents tell you with utter conviction...

[CharleyDavidson]

but that you know is bollocks!

My Mum insists that anything that you can inherit genetically from your family always skips a generation.

My Mum's blood is negative. As is mine. She asserts that I must have inherited that from my Grandmother. And she must have inherited hers from her grandmother.

Bonkers. I know that genetic traits can skip generations, but not always and not with such predictability. But she won't have it.

My mum is convinced that she and I have a mole in the same place because the location of moles is inherited (except for the other 99 or so...)
Explaining that the number and sizes of moles and freckles is inherited but they appear pretty randomly, never sinks in, because she knows these things while I only have a doctorate in the subject...

She's also convinced that gay people don't really fancy people of the same sex - they just do it to get attention.
Bisexuals are the same only without the courage of their convictions.

The 'logical' conclusion of this is that sex is a shocking subject that should never be mentioned, unless the person involved is gay in which case they will be delighted to be asked what they think of receiving blow jobs while attempting to take Mum's order in a restaurant...

And of course, "I don't see why people keep saying Brexit wasn't about the immigrants. Of course it's about the immigrants! There's just too many immigrants!" She lives in the whitest area of Surrey where all immigrants actually play for Chelsea or are linked to them.

Obvious answer back: "So when are you leaving the coutnry, then?" Yes, 40 years in England, still not a UK citizen...

MackerelOfFact your aunt is my mum! The amount of times I've had to explain Facebook to her. She thought she'd been hacked because someone she didn't know was on her friend list. After lots of anguish (hers, not mine!) over the phone I figured out it was the people you may know list and they had a mutual friend.

She also moaned to me about friends sending her boring messages. No! They've put stuff on their timeline.

She also sends me those horrible chain messages. Thanks, I'm glad I'm someone you like, what with being your daughter and all.

Mackerel my mams only 53. If there's any local gossip she's first on the phone to one of us asking us to check FB for updates.

I love her but she's a right hypocritical cow sometimes.

Dad - if I offer to pay in full in cash for a sofa/washing machine etc I will get a discount.

Dad - non verbal but it's in his face - if I dress my 2yo son in his sisters hand me down dark purple ski suit he will Catch The Gay. I ain't buying a new snowsuit for one week of sledging.

My uncle denies that dinosaurs were really around that long ago.
"Go on then, prove it" he says.
"Well, there's radio carbon dating for a start. And fossils found in ancient rocks"
"They're not ancient rocks"
"What are they then?"
"Rocks"
"Not ancient then?"
"Oh no no no"

"Christmas presents are only to be opened on Boxing Day."

Mind you, everyone in my family is Chinese.................................

Oh my mum said a good one the other day. The grandchildren are fine to have Milky Ways before their lunch as it well known that they don't spoil your appetite. I said you do know that that was just a marketing campaign from the 80s??

Some of these are just fab, and some are a little

This one made me literally laugh out loud

CherryChasingDotMuncher Mon 16-Jan-17 02:08:31
And if it helps fuck at aged 11 when I first went into town alone I finally popped into that shop I always passed by called "PRIVATE", as on the signs it says they sold toys, videos and books, and toy shops in my town were few and far between.

That's was a fucking eye opener for all involved I can tell you!

Apparently, if you put on a damp swimsuit you will get rheumatism, even if you're about to jump into a pool or the sea anyway. It has to be put on dry and aired despite the fact that it will be soaked through immediately.

Mackarel that's superb Sounds a bit like my parents. A couple of years ago I uploaded a bunch of photographs of us on a Christmas walk, in which my Dad is wearing a huge fluffy hat. One of my sister's friend commented on it "I want that hat!"

My Dad then phoned me up excitedly to report that "something had happened", and put me onto my mother to explain it because he didn't understand it well enough to explain it.

"What's happened mum?"
"Your sister just showed us a photo of Hugh on Facebook, and someone has commented on it "I WANT THAT HAT"!"

Where to begin.

I could write a book on this. Mum also reads the Mail which explains some of the shite that comes out of her mouth now.....she told me when I was 16 I would never have kids as my aunt (on dad's side) couldn't (pregnant with #2 now). That the water in your car to clean windows is rain water collected under the bonnet (I believed that until I got my first car and the garage was like huh?). That she potty trained all of us at 6 months (umm) and I was eating curry at 3 months.

Now dollydaydream i am afraid i do not believe your story!
You lost all credibility when you claimed to have had a home visit from the doctor!!
Did such a thing ever exist?? They certainly dont today ha ha x

PIL insist that English doesn't have a case structure, and that this makes it impossible for anyone English to learn German. They know, they have tried in evening classes.

I speak German.

Someone (Probably DM) told me that hair grows faster when you cut it because cutting lets oxygen up the hair shaft.

I need glasses because I sat too close to the telly. Nevermind that she herself has worn glasses/contacts for short sightedness since a young age, or that all of my siblings have shortsightedness (though to a lesser degree), it's because I sat too close to the telly.

Mackerel My mam and nan thought like your aunty to start with tbf!! My mam got it pretty quickly and it took my nan a bit longer but she gets it now. At first my nan used to think anything that I liked/shared that came up on her timeline was me writing it, you can imagine there were some confusions from that!

My mam was convinced there is way more crime these days than in the past as well, especially child sex abuse. I managed to have a reasoned discussion with her though about how crime rates for violent crime have actually been falling and to her credit she listened and accepted, woohoo (have studied it as part of my degree).

My parents and lots of DH's family seem to think that two thirds of people on benefits are fraudsters/scroungers/something like that, despite them all having lots of family and friends who are on benefits in some way and not thinking any of those people, or indeed pretty much anyone they've met who has been on benefits, is a fraudster/scrounger etc. Logically makes no sense, where are all these people then??? It really gets to me as well because generally they are all pretty left-wing. My parents also thought that getting a job was super easy until DH couldn't get one for about 3 months despite applying EVERYWHERE, and they also thought that JSA was some extravagant sum of money til we claimed for a couple of months when DH was unemployed. Luckily these experiences have taught them something and now my mam's always saying how it's a disgrace how little JSA is!!

This after giving birth to me, she watched neighbour's on tv. I am 33. Neighbours began in 1985.

Me and my brother have said for a while that we need to start writing my mums recommendations into a guide for life.
Here's a few...

Put butter on my kittens paws when we let him out for the first time, he'll lick the butter and that will be imprinted onto his brain and he'll know how to find his way home.

Use a gold ring on your eye to get rid of stye's.

Only feed my son sugared food as he can't taste anything else (7 months) she said that at 4 months and still stares at me with disgust when I give him anything sugar-free. She didn't speak to me for several days when I asked her to go to the shop to buy sugar-free calpol

Smoking around my son won't harm him because he's got brand new lungs that will be doing a good job... (she smokes inside her home)

She shouted at me for stroking my babies feet because it's torture for him.

Holding my son rather than using a car seat is actually safer because I can hold onto him if we crash. (My dad also confirmed this)

She's a qualified staff nurse.
There will be more but I can't remember most of them!

If you put a 9ct gold ring on a necklace and dangle it over your pregnant belly, if it swings it's a boy and if it goes round in circles it's a girl. My partner did it with as still hands as possible and it didn't move.

She comes out with loads of shit. Once she said you shouldn't eat a picnic at the beach as the salt in the air would make your food taste salty. Yeah because we've always found our ice creams and our seaside chips to be SOOOOO salty.

Oh yeah, cross bumps with gold rings to stop the swelling. I remember many a time having a ring being firmly dragged over a fresh bruise. Almost as fun as having thorns dug out my hands with her sewing needles.

My MIL told my dh that cucumber skin gives you appendicitis. To this day he refused point blank to eat it.

We also one day had a discussion on which days of the week everyone was born. Mil swore blind my sil was born in a Thursday. We looked back across our phone calendars and sil was born on a Wednesday. The calendars were all completely wrong obviously.

Also we can all catch colds if the door is open for a few minutes.

Needless to say she drives me crazy.

Similar to Stingray 'don't buy a green car because green is an unlucky color'. I believe it has something to do with fairies liking the color green. Maybe they cause visibility problems by being attracted to the car and getting splatted on the windscreen. I can't see how that would be much of a problem in Berkshire though.

We had rowan tree in the garden because that was lucky. Again something to do with fairies.

DH's friend told his children that there were gravity free zones on Earth, and that color was only invented in around 1920 - pointing to photographs as evidence as they were in black and white before then. The children were only 4 and 6 so believed him. All went well until he got a message from the 6 year old's teacher as now most of the children in the class believed in gravity free zones etc.

Oh another one. My mum reckoned my Nan's (she's not with us anymore, sadly) "absolute favourite" food was dates. I had never in my entire life seen my Nan eat a date. She said it was because she rarely bought them because they are so expensive. They cost about £1.50 for a pack in asda.

Sympathising with the facebook frustrations. My aunt was told off by her son and dil a few years ago for announcing their dd's birth before they had told people themselves. Aunt obviously had a moan to mum (my dps are not on fb and actively avoid any technology developed after 1987) so when mum called me to tell me that the same couple were having a second dc, she made a point of telling me not to put it on facebook:

Mum: You're not allowed to put it on facebook. Don't you dare. They don't want that to happen. Nothing about the pregnancy and nothing about the birth.

Me: Don't worry, I wouldn't dream of doing that.

Mum: well, I'm telling you and I'm deadly serious. They'll be really angry if you put it on facebook. DO NOT do it.

Dad (in background): Have you told her she's not allowed to put the baby on facebook.

Mum: I'm telling her now

Dad (takes phone): I don't know how clear your mum has made it but I'm serious about this and I mean it. You are NOT ALLOWED to put the baby on facebook. Do you understand me? Nothing on facebook.

Mum (takes phone back): I'm telling you about the baby because I thought you'd like to know but maybe I shouldn't have done. I really have to insist you don't put it on facebook.

Then there was the time that FiL (similarly technophobic) actually turned up at our house, barely able to contain his excitement because he had "been on facebook!" Turns out an old school friend had contacted another family member (distinctive surname) to ask if they were related as he thinks about FiL often. FiL had interpreted this as if fb is some giant cyber-noticeboard where everyone in the world could see that someone was looking for him. He thought he was famous. A few days later, he had changed tactic completely and decided that fb was violating his privacy rights by allowing someone to contact a third party and broadcast his name in this way. He was quite insistent that every family member delete their fb account immediately so that nobody else could trace him.

shove I presume your PIL think we can't learn Latin or Russian, either??