I hate having kids

[Throughautomaticdoors]

I love them but I hate being a parent. It's dull, it's relentless, it's worrying, it's thankless, it's demanding, it's monotonous, it's exhausting.
I'd throw myself under a bus for them but being a parent has made me totally and utterly miserable. My first one didn't sleep through until he was 4 and a half and the second one is also a terrible sleeper. I'm starting to think it's something I've caused as everyone else I know has had at least one good sleeper.
I can't wait for them to grow up.

Well, I guess that "having it all"can include all the shit too!
I don't know. I just see that men are allowed to be a bit crap at parenting, not pull their weight in the home, and coast at work (from what I can see of senior management at work who have young kids.) The best they can manage is enough. I don't think they agonise over any of it.
I also agree with many pp about the fact that it's only recently that mothers routinely raised children pretty much single handedly, without a larger family network.
And also that, by 5 or so, most kids used to come home from school and then would be out playing until tea. There was no "quality time". Your family was just around, but I don't remember many day trips, and even then only out to the local dales once in a blue moon.
There were no soft play centres, lazer quest, build your own cupcake or paint your own crockery emporiums, no SATs, very little parent involvement in homework.
I'm not saying the 80s (when I grew up) were better nessesarily, but there was less expected of parents. "Family Time" hadn't really been invented. In fact, in my experience, worrying too much about school hadn't really been invented either.
I actually wouldn't want to be as laissez faire as my parents, but nor do I want my every waking minute to be consumed with child focused activity. Aside from my own selfish reasons, I don't think it's very good for them, to be the centre of the universe all the time.
It's boring and knackering for the parents, and yet the more children are pandered to, the less grateful they become.
Haha, I sound like a Victorian governess, which I'm really not in rl

Ifnot

I couldn't agree more.

My DS is 6 months and other mums of babies his age seem to be fretting constantly about developmental needs etc etc

I just get through the day however I can. A trip to tesco express is enough stimulation for him!!!

This is my favourite thread ever. I’m reading a few pages of it every day and feeling less and less alone.

I’ve agreed with it all so far and no-where else could we be as honest, I don't think.

My mistake was underestimating how hard it would be trying to raise my DC without any of my family around after moving far from home. I worry that I will grow to resent them and my DH for making me stay here when all I want to do is go home and be where they are so I could have the practical and emotional support of having them near and not the soul-crushing isolation and loneliness of trying to do it alone.

I have recurring dreams about living in my own fabulous little flat back in my home city with only myself to look after. I’m genuinely sad when I wake up. I haven’t admitted it to DH (or anyone for that matter).

I always think about that early episode of Desperate Housewives when Lynette loses it and dumps the kids on Susan and when they find her and reassure her that they struggled too (I think Bree says something like “I used their nap times to cry”) she says something like “Why don’t we ever talk about how hard it is? We should talk about it!”

So true. As evidenced by the 21 pages of this thread.

nobody ever kicked my mother in the tits, put it that way

YY. There is a massive age gap between my youngest siblings & me, so I know I'm not remembering my parents' parenting style through rose-tinted specs - they still had young DC when I was already an adult. Hell would have frozen over before my DM would have allowed one of us to jump all over her as many contemporary kids do to parents (not talking about littlies but once they are old enough to understand). I remember watching my 4 year old DNephew (no SEN) jump repeatedly on my SIL from the sofa as she picked up Lego. He was really hurting her but she seemed to feel she couldn't tell him to stop.

As I said upthread, I don't have biol DC but I have been the carer of 3, so I do get that sometimes it's easier just to let things go. But I don't think it is in the interests of parents or children for parents to feel that they are not allowed to have their own space, physical or emotional. Mothers in particular seem to be told that - if they not giving everything of themselves to their DC 100% of the time- they are not good parents. No wonder many are burnt out - it is unsustainable.

I agree with so much here. An 18 month age gap was just ridiculously hard for me and took me to the brink until the youngest was 3. I hate the relentless and how its just all left to me. I had a painful and debilitating condition last year and was in lots of pain. Did anyone step up to help? Did they fuck. If I don't look after me, noone else really does, despite having a lovely DP who is great with the kids. I took up running last year and it saved my sanity. I am an introvert too and desperately miss the silence.

I think the crux of it all is having extended family around who help you out and give you a break

we didnt have this and its impacted massively and still does

Absolutely, ssd. I remember feeling really jealous of the multi generational family living close by when I had three under 5's.

There were so many hand on deck, I used to watch the mother of five around my age swanning serenely down the road in the mornings to buy a newspaper, all by herself, while it took me around 40 minutes to organise getting out the front door.
Irrational really, because living with my family would have been my worst nightmare...

Living in the same country would have made life considerably easier though.

Yes, definitely. I wish my parents didn't live a 6-hour drive away! Fortunately PILs have moved near to us, so that's brilliant and really helpful.

People always tell me that DD2 always "seems so cheerful, doesn't cry that much" - whereas I know she is a grumpy little screamy fucker (she is slowly growing out of it, thank fuck). The difference it makes having someone else around is incredible.

Completely agree, ssd, we also have no family nearby, in fact when I had dc1 I didn't know a single person in the town we lived in. One of my neighbours has recently had a baby and I see her mum walk past to see her every day and have to fight the urge to run out and ask if I can join in too.

If I saw my family little and often like this, I think we would be really good friends. As it is, visits are so intense and involve so much upheaval that most of the time I just can't be bothered with it all (still do it as the kids like it, but don't do it for me at all).

Haven't read all the posts but just wanted to say that I really really hate being the parent of adult children. For me it is worse than the frantic busy years of childhood.
All of the worry but not being able to make the decisions for them or tell them how to put it right.
I'm worse at being a parent of an adult than I was as a parent of babies, toddlers or even teenagers. I don't think it is about control.
When my first was about 6 months starting to sit up and take notice, 35 years ago, I can distinctly remember thinking this is the changing point in my life, I will never only have myself to think about.

Thank you for this thread I thought I was the only one.

Totally agree about family "little and often". I have that, and although it drives me nuts at times, it's worth it, and I'm sure part of the reason I don't hate being a mother.
I see the girls around the estate where i live, some of them quite young, with a couple of kids, and they have mum/aunts/cousins near by. It makes all the difference. Friends are one thing, but I learned the hard way they are not the same as family support.
I watch those property shows, where a young couple are moving to their dream house with their young family, or pregnant, and they have no one nearby, and I think in theory it's a lovely idea.......

Having said I don't hate it, I can understand the hatred of being a mother of adult dc . That does scare me, the idea that, no matter how old get get, you will never really be free of that niggling worry about them.
It worries me a bit that I will not let my ds go...I'll be the MIL from Hell!

I have an 8mo dd and whilst she is the light of my life I never ever stop worrying.

I've read the full thread and I identify with many aspects

I love this thread.

I have 3 DC, DD1 was 8 when DD2 was born, DD1 was a dream child and still is as a teenager, hence why I thought i could do it again. We had 6 yrs of secondary infertility before Dd2, when she was a baby and DD1 was at school it was a breeze. Then Bam I was pregnant with DS and at 20 months between them it's fucking hard, so so fucking hard.
I often think that if it had just been the girls my life would be easier, and then feel so so guilty for feeling this way.

DS has just started school and goes full time tomorrow, I just can't wait😊 Some time to myself again.

My previous employers don't want me back! so gutted

My previous employers don't want me back! so gutted

My mum was working two minutes round the corner today. When I did the school run (with my youngest child with autism) I saw her car had gone and she'd gone home without stopping in. She could have watched my three year old for ten minutes whilst I nipped round the corner to the school so I didn't have to take her as she screams and cries going. I've never felt so alone as I do having kids. I frequently dream about packing my bags and running. I feel like I've fallen down the rabbit hole. Or that I'm drowning. One thing I know for sure is I'm gone and the old me will never come back.

I am so with you all on this! I've just started home schooling my eldest who's just been diagnosed with ASD. He's nearly 5 & just doesn't stop talking, except when he's thinking of another question to ask. It's exhausting & relentless & he's constantly asking me to read him things & I just want to shout "learn to read & leave me alone for 30 seconds".

We had a bit of a breakthrough today when he sat still enough to sound out the letters of an entire sentence so there's hope on the horizon... Once he can read I can see him trying to educate me constantly. He already brings me books & points at the pictures & announces, with a tone one might use with a 1yo, "See that, there? That's called a kangaroo!" I know it's a kangaroo. I taught you that in the first place.

He's a really lovely child most of the time & in theory I love his curiosity & eagerness to learn, it's just draining when you basically have to narrate everything you/the neighbours/random strangers/assorted book & TV characters do, and why, simultaneously while also trying to get things done, have conversations with your other child & just generally do the bare minimum to get through the day without cracking up.... then your most beloved "D"H comes home & is eager to discuss what more "we" can do to HE the DC & support their development & do "we" think that "we" should be doing any more structured/directed teaching. No, "we" do not.

I get a bit of time out sometimes at weekends when DH takes them out for a couple of hours but then I feel guilty that we're not spending time together as a family. I don't have anyone else to ship them off to - family live too far away to take them for a short period of time & DS1 doesn't cope well with overnight trips & all my friends are revelling in having just shipped a child off to school so having more time to themselves/to spend with their younger DC. I've had several comments from people saying they don't know how I cope because HEing would send them crazy...

And, breathe.... it's good to rant sometimes!

My partner keeps trying to fix the problem. Getting annoyed that all I do is say how miserable I am. But there's no fix. Even if I was working full time there would still be drop offs and pick ups at childcare, annoying meal times, having to get them ready on a morning. It's The having children I don't like and nothing will change that. Of course if something did happen to them I would be equally ruined. So I'm just doomed to misery forever?

Mol have you tried ft or nearly ft work? I find it better and I am happier with the dc when I have them - dd was up at 515am today and she's in a rotten mood, I'm honestly glad this is only my day until 8am, my job is restful and low stress in comparison

No sadly it's not even an option it wouldn't cover any childcare I don't have a career. I should have sorted one before I had children. But I thought I would like having children....