This thread is very reassuring
I never planned on any children, I fell accidentally age 32. I had my child and she is a very good child. I cannot understand why, when I'm shit at mothering. It really is the great fucking mystery of my life.
I know for sure that I was right before I had her. I knew I would be happier childfree as I am selfish. I was soooo right. I wouldn't have a child if I could go back.
Things were black until she was 5. That was the first birthday where I felt happy and didn't relive the birth and cry about it.
The fact that I didn't know my place in my wider family anymore. They were all into my baby and I was ignored. It felt like the very foundations of my world had been shifted sideways.
My relationship with partner suffered. I almost left when she was less than a year old. All we did was argue about who was the most tired ffs.neither of us took to it well, but he was miles better at the night waking. I'm a bitch if anyone wakes me so that was murder.
I was a sahm and battered by everyone telling me I should be grateful when for me it was a form of torture, only brightened by the occasional nap and more Danish pastries than were healthy.
Even now, I still picture myself in my minds eye, in hospital in that ghastly nightie, and consider that to be the old me. I sometimes wonder if I return to that bed will I be able to reclaim me?
We had breath holding tantrums, head banging all before 18 months. My God she was wilful. When she head banged on our granite floor, I would lift her up, put her in the carpeted room and tell her to carry on in the soft room. At least she wouldn't hurt herself there.
When she passed out through breath holding, I splashed her face with cold water to shock her into breathing again. I cannot describe the absolute cold terror that goes through you when your tiny child is rag like and turning blue (again) because they've lost their temper or banged themselves (again). This happened so many times I still don't understand why I am still here and relatively sane.
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Nonsense.
I remember going to the dentist when she was a baby and I needed a filling. She was sleeping, but I knew if I didn't hurry she would wake. Urg.
So I got the filling without any anaesthetic just to avoid her waking and crying. That was not fun, but it was the lesser of 2 evils. That's just so shit though.
Watching her at soft play as a baby realising that if I walk out, nobody else will care for her. It's all down to ME.terrifying.
I also like peace, quiet, tidiness. The constant lack of headspace is a killer. Cannot stand the OPK's. Just because I've got one, doesn't mean I'm Mary fucking poppins. Cannot stand the school run, cliques etc.
She's 10 now and for the last few years, things have been much, much, much better. I love her. I don't love my life though. I preferred it before, it was without a doubt MY life and easier. Working was easier and I could go for fab jobs. As I've been doing school hours work, the opportunities are limited and the pay is peanuts.
The dust has settled, we've gelled as a family and my extended family relationships have improved again.
My relationship with partner has improved. We support each other inraising our child.we do the best we can and I am incredibly proud of and pleasantly surprised by, my daughter.
Not sure I've got it in me to survive the teenage years though.