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I hate having kids

571 replies

Throughautomaticdoors · 13/09/2016 18:04

I love them but I hate being a parent. It's dull, it's relentless, it's worrying, it's thankless, it's demanding, it's monotonous, it's exhausting.
I'd throw myself under a bus for them but being a parent has made me totally and utterly miserable. My first one didn't sleep through until he was 4 and a half and the second one is also a terrible sleeper. I'm starting to think it's something I've caused as everyone else I know has had at least one good sleeper.
I can't wait for them to grow up.

OP posts:
FRETGNIKCUF · 22/09/2016 23:24

Thanks Debbie.

I am rather pleased with it! Grin

Ifeelyourpain2 · 25/11/2016 09:36

I am currently on my way on the train to a girly child free weekend and prior to reading this thread I was mulling over how much of a bad parent I was and how I seem to be the only one who struggles to cope with children. Thank you to whoever started this thread, it has helped enormously to realise I'm not alone and will help stopping me dwelling over my failings instead of enjoying the precious child free time.

I am a SAHM to a 3 and 6 year old. I love them both dearly but my god I struggle. I spend my life shouting and dictating, I've become a shadow of my former self and find my life so incredibly boring. I keep telling myself I need to go back to work but I hold back doing anything about it as I'm so worried ill be bored at work and all that will happens is I'll have less time at home to get everything done so more boredom and more stress.

I love my son (3 year old) to pieces but I sometimes feel that if I'd just had one I'd be a much better parent. Neither of them are particularly badly behaved either, they're both good sleepers and eat everything, it's purely the monotony of childcare and running a household that beats me down, I don't even have the excuse of difficult children.

And breathe....

phoenix1973 · 04/12/2016 08:39

This thread is very reassuring

I never planned on any children, I fell accidentally age 32. I had my child and she is a very good child. I cannot understand why, when I'm shit at mothering. It really is the great fucking mystery of my life.

I know for sure that I was right before I had her. I knew I would be happier childfree as I am selfish. I was soooo right. I wouldn't have a child if I could go back.

Things were black until she was 5. That was the first birthday where I felt happy and didn't relive the birth and cry about it.

The fact that I didn't know my place in my wider family anymore. They were all into my baby and I was ignored. It felt like the very foundations of my world had been shifted sideways.

My relationship with partner suffered. I almost left when she was less than a year old. All we did was argue about who was the most tired ffs.neither of us took to it well, but he was miles better at the night waking. I'm a bitch if anyone wakes me so that was murder.

I was a sahm and battered by everyone telling me I should be grateful when for me it was a form of torture, only brightened by the occasional nap and more Danish pastries than were healthy.

Even now, I still picture myself in my minds eye, in hospital in that ghastly nightie, and consider that to be the old me. I sometimes wonder if I return to that bed will I be able to reclaim me?

We had breath holding tantrums, head banging all before 18 months. My God she was wilful. When she head banged on our granite floor, I would lift her up, put her in the carpeted room and tell her to carry on in the soft room. At least she wouldn't hurt herself there.

When she passed out through breath holding, I splashed her face with cold water to shock her into breathing again. I cannot describe the absolute cold terror that goes through you when your tiny child is rag like and turning blue (again) because they've lost their temper or banged themselves (again). This happened so many times I still don't understand why I am still here and relatively sane.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Nonsense.

I remember going to the dentist when she was a baby and I needed a filling. She was sleeping, but I knew if I didn't hurry she would wake. Urg.
So I got the filling without any anaesthetic just to avoid her waking and crying. That was not fun, but it was the lesser of 2 evils. That's just so shit though.

Watching her at soft play as a baby realising that if I walk out, nobody else will care for her. It's all down to ME.terrifying.

I also like peace, quiet, tidiness. The constant lack of headspace is a killer. Cannot stand the OPK's. Just because I've got one, doesn't mean I'm Mary fucking poppins. Cannot stand the school run, cliques etc.

She's 10 now and for the last few years, things have been much, much, much better. I love her. I don't love my life though. I preferred it before, it was without a doubt MY life and easier. Working was easier and I could go for fab jobs. As I've been doing school hours work, the opportunities are limited and the pay is peanuts.

The dust has settled, we've gelled as a family and my extended family relationships have improved again.

My relationship with partner has improved. We support each other inraising our child.we do the best we can and I am incredibly proud of and pleasantly surprised by, my daughter.

Not sure I've got it in me to survive the teenage years though.

snowdonstreet · 10/02/2017 20:37

Needed to hear this today. Just hating it all at the mo and felt so abnormal. Perhaps I'm not

TeaForever · 14/02/2017 08:16

Bless you all. Reading this has been a huge eye opener.
I'm kind of in the opposite camp - utterly desperate to be a mother, and deeply sad that I'm not (just haven't met the right bloke, and have had many issues from my own childhood to recover from). I wouldn't ever normally go on mumsnet, as it would usually be too painful. I joined now, purely to comment here. I googled 'I hate Valentines Day', and this came up too! I was intrigued, so just read almost all the comments. Firstly, you all have my sincere sympathy & love. I feel for anyone who's having a hard time in life, regardless of the cause. There are many ways life can be hard, and it's not a competition. I'm not the kind of childless woman who thinks mums have no right to complain. Quite the opposite.
I always think motherhood would 'complete' me, and make me deleriously happy, as I generally love babies, and adore my niece, nephew and friends' children. I also feel I could compensate for the deficits in my own upbringing (don't we all?!) But just recently I've wondered if I've gloss-coated it, or aspects of it? I too am an introvert, and love love love my own time & space. I wonder...
Reading this thread has made me think that maybe I should stop being so sad about what I haven't got yet, and be grateful for what I have? Including my gorgeous niece & nephew. My predicament isn't helped by the fact that my SIL is one seriously smug mother! Always harping on about how wonderful motherhood is! I'm not sure why she does it to me?! But you ladies seem the opposite - very humble & kind.
Well, who knows if I'd really love motherhood as much as I think? Maybe I would, maybe I wouldn't. But it's great to see a different perspective, and I'm so grateful for your honesty.
It's a funny old world isn't it? So full of irony... xx

GooseyLoosey · 14/02/2017 08:33

I think both dh and I have found parenthood challenging. We had a very close relationship before the dcs came along and although it is still good, it is not quite what it was.

There is a 15month gap between ds(13) and dd(12) and, currently, they hate each other. Every waking moment is spent trying to stop them fighting with each other - about everything. It's particularly hard as I think one is more at fault than the other so I find it very hard to be impartial.

We have an evening coming up this week when they are both at friends. I cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to it. I can't wait.

I love them more than life itself but there are definitely times it would be easier not to live with them.

TooMuchFuckingPerspective · 14/02/2017 08:33

It's so good to know I'm not the only one who mutters expletives at the call of 'muuuuuuum'. Having a 3 storey house is great because you can go to the ensuite on the top floor and sit on the loo with ipad for some me time. Takes them a bit longer to get to you and you can't hear the arguing.

Viviennemary · 11/03/2017 17:32

Sometimes I think why do people want kids so much because it isn't really logical. I had a friend when I was a teenager, her sister had three kids and the oldest wasn't even four yet. And I thought what a miserible life. She never stopped doing domestic chores. And no peace ever. At the time I thought blow that.

Msqueen33 · 11/03/2017 17:38

@TeaForever this is what mums can never out loud. Motherhood is fucking boring. The domestic crap and the lack of freedom. I love my kids but there are some days I wonder if I'd have been better off not having kids. It's exhausting physically and emotionally.

I've just cleaned beans off a toy because the 8 year old threw it in her sister's (7) dinner. We had their grandma and grandad round and it's like they were on speed. 7 yr old has the excuse of having asd and ADHD and youngest (4) again asd did her own thing but Christ I'd like to be able to pick a holiday that would suit me.

Plus I have three loads of ironing to look forward to. Joy it is not.

TeaForever · 11/03/2017 19:57

Msqueen33 yes I always think it's a tragic irony of life that parenthood is the one thing that doesn't come with a trial run, and that it's hard to know precisely what you're in for till you're in the throes of it; and yet also the thing which has more enormous implications than anything else.

I think I have always had a rose-tinted view of motherhood - it looks like the ultimate wholesome pursuit! But this thread, and other things I've researched lately (including honest chats with friends who've got kids) have made me realise aspects of it can be spectacularly challenging. I'm blessed to be a very devoted auntie, and I make the most of that role. I'm not nearly as distressed at not having given birth as I used to be.

In spite of all that, I still cling to a hope of motherhood ambitions one day being fulfilled. But I'm fully prepared to admit that if that happened, I may well end up on here lamenting the stressful bits with the best of them! The irony wouldn't be lost on me either.

In the meantime, thank you for your honesty, and I wish you & your family well Flowers

Msqueen33 · 11/03/2017 20:24

@TeaForever I really hope it works out for you as you sound lovely.

Jayrose · 14/03/2017 10:43

Reading through this thread, it feels like I've found my tribe. I've always wondered why I've struggled with parenting and have beaten myself up with how crap of a mother I am because I don't love playing with my DD, doing the school run or other parenting 'obligations' that make me want to put pins in my eye.

I went back to work when DD was just over 1 as I couldn't stand being at home any longer. I was so incredibly bored with the baby talk at mother groups and the crappy baby/mother things I did just to get out of the house. I tried, I really tried but it just wasn't me and I felt guilty about it (still do). She's 7 now and it's a lot easier but the constant chatter and wanting me to be involved in everything she is doing is draining. We take turns to play with her before bed but I'm really crap at imagination games so she prefers my DH (yay).

I feel like I've had a light bulb moment after reading this thread as I am more of an introvert in terms of how I recharge my batteries and I need alone time, in my house doing what I want to do. I very rarely get it.

My older DSD's are nearly 18 & 16 and it's so much easier as they are very independent now the older one has her licence. There was a time where they were incredibly demanding as we had to drive them here, there and everywhere for their various social/school activities/jobs and it was like our social lives were put on hold whilst we managed theirs.

I guess since there's a big age gap between DSD's and DD that I feel like I've done all this already and I just feel jaded and bored of it all. I feel so guilty that I'm not giving my own DD the best bits of myself, I feel like my DSD's got that as everything was new and exciting when I met them as 5 and 3 year olds.

To know that there are plenty of others out there that think/feel the way I do is reassuring because I haven't found many in real life. Interestingly it seems like the introverts are the ones that struggle the most. I haven't read anyone on here saying that they are extroverts and are struggling? Maybe there's something in that?

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 22/03/2017 16:47

placemarking

Blossomdeary · 22/03/2017 17:01

It is all-consuming and very tough, especially if you have a non-sleeper.

Mine are grown now but I remember that mind-numbing exhaustion. I do not however remember feeling a loss of identity - I will cogitate as to why that might have been.

One sad thing is that I think that grandparents are able to enjoy the children much more - and I do not think it is just because of the old saying that you can "hand them back" - it is something to do with being aware how fast the time flies and grabbing the moment.

I feel for you all and wish a good night's sleep for you.

Huskylover1 · 05/05/2017 12:56

I didn't realise, how much of my time was taken up with the kids, until they both left for Uni. DS went to Uni in 2015 and DD started last September. I work from home and you could hear a pin drop now. I'm happy about some things (hardly any laundry/house stays tidy/only cooking for 2/no school runs), but I really miss them. I sometimes stare in to their bedrooms and feel sad. I find myself checking the Chat bar on FB every morning, as if they are active, I know they haven't come to harm overnight Confused. The worry for them will always be there, I think. There are still things they need me for, like moving in and out of accommodation every term. And money!

But, on the plus side, I am now starting to enjoy the freedom a bit. DH and I are mid 40's, so have plans to do some amazing holidays and stuff.

I had a rare day off recently, and went to meet DS (20) for lunch (he's only in the next town). We had a lovely meal, then did a pub crawl together! It was all very grown up!

When I visit DD (18), I have to stay over in a hotel, and it's lovely, we shop and have a meal out in the evening.

I am enjoying them being adults.

I suppose the point I'm trying to make, is that it does get easier. Hang on in there. Even when you think you're not doing a great job, you are! You are keeping them fed, clothed and providing a roof over their heads. Anything else is a bonus. One day they will be grown up and you will be great friends.

Oh and I had to laugh the other day. DH bumped into his cousin in Asda, who asked if we might try for a baby? Wtf?

Willdoublecheck · 22/05/2017 16:30

Yep another one here who loves their DC but doesn't enjoy being a Mum *weary-sigh". And another introvert too.

The only time I'm truly happy and at peace is when I have time away from him (2.5 year old).

I mostly hate family time at weekends when DP is around as it just means having to be 'on' and no nursery or childcare. DP talks about things we have to look forward to in the future to do with DC, holidays and showing him the world and stuff and I just feel as though I want to be doing that all by myself without a child in tow. It's like a black cloud hangs over everything.

I would probably be feeling as though I was missing something if I hadn't had a kid by now, but I never got that broody urge, ever. It was just logic and a keen partner that led me down this path.

Definitely sticking to just one and counting down the days til he starts school. Feel trapped and bored and dependant on in-laws for help. Having a not great few days. sometimes it's better than this but it's mostly a bit shit.

anthonyfantano · 12/12/2017 00:29

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Mountainsoutofmolehills · 29/03/2018 02:10

I am 37 and feeling completely free from wanting to be a mother, I just read these posts to remind myself, because I think I couldn't do it and would scream at the kid. It sounds too hard. Kudos to you and the experience- similar to soldiers at war in trenches. Didn't they give them drugs to continue?

This will all pass. Thanks for sharing.

Peachyfizz · 30/03/2018 15:13

This thread is amazing! You all make me feel normal and not some horrible woman who sometimes wishes she can have a day off from being a mum and return to my childless old life. I always said from the beginning as I had a tough time with PND and he has allergies that I would have no more. And I'm still pretty set on that idea. The sleep deprivation was actual torture no way could I put myself through that again!

Vathek · 06/04/2018 10:38

Two quotes spring to mind, which describe my feelings and experience of motherhood. The first I think was Libby Purves to the effect that I would give my life for my children, but I just don't want to do it every day.
The second by Caitlin Moran that the minutes are like mountains and the years fly by like bullets. Both totally true.

Lightbringer · 29/05/2018 15:29

I hate being a mum too! Sigh....
Is it bed time yet?
Fuck you school holidays!

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