Penetration man

[Cameron2012]

So I went out with a man many years ago who was very kind, interesting handsome, drove a lovely car and was very popular. But, I ended the relationship because he seemed to think whispering ' penetration' in my ear was sexy.
I also finished with a bloke because he had thick blond hair on his arms.
Now I know that means at the time I was very shallow, so ... What is the shallowest reason you have ever had to finish a relationship ?
😬

Had sex with him for the first time. He was completely silent, expressionless, no kissing. Just pounding away industriously. Realised the condom had split and said I would have to get MAP the next day. He was really pleased and said "we could make the most of it" and have unprotected sex now then for the rest of the time. Er no! Then kept texting me asking for anal sex. Shudder.

I'm trying to read this thread out to DH but I can't speak for laughing.

I thought about this one, and I honestly think that if I'd fallen in love with the people I wouldn't have minded any of these things. Except the last one. But (and these aren't the same people) these things were very off-putting:

1. Terrible teeth
2. Tiny willy
3. Wanted to pee in my mouth.

Had a guy try to seduce me with the phrase "you're making me so swollen"

Oh blargh.

One more -

I went out with a guy who used to make "mmm" noises and actually say "yummy" when he was going down on me
Now it's lovely that he was so into it and he was really rather good at it, but ffs it's a vagina not an ice cream!

queen I know, at least she wasn't dead at least I think that was her at the window and not him in a wig!! He's from my hometown and I spotted his wedding photo in the local paper a few years ago, wondered if his wife had to go through the American Tan experience.

This thread is making me cry with laughter, mumsnet at its finest!

Teal we didn't used to be room-mates, did we? If so, I'm really sorry our other room-mate and I hung out of my bedroom window and giggled hysterically as you and Mr Glo-in-the-Dark trainers went down the street. Actually, I'm not: we all knew it was wrong

He wore beige socks. They made his feet look dead.

Cameron2012 The vision of the enormous willy whacking you round the head while you're watching television made me laugh so much.

I know, I have a very juvenile sense of humour!

What did you do when he did that?

Urgh just remembered the bloke who liked to admire his erection in the mirror. "Mmm look how hard I am!" Bye bye.

It was like a French stick, I would be surprised . I can't say any more or I will out myself lol

See, now, I prefer the silent ones

I briefly revisited an old relationship- I'd been madly in love with the guy and we were both single so I thought, well, why not...

Clearly he'd been told (maybe by one of you lot who likes noise during sex ) that he should show his enjoyment more.

So I got a bloody running commentary on what was happening, complete with 'Oh yeah, right there' and 'You like that don't you?' with a few 'Mmmm, baby' s thrown in for good measure.

Then he started rocking back and forth on his hands and knees trying to penetrate me. Finally I got told 'Look at me. I'm coming in you'.

No shit Sherlock. I'd never have known what was going on if you hadn't kept me up to date for the whole 7 minutes.

Best Thread EVER!

I dumped someone because he got ID'ed buying cinema tickets for an 18 film - he was 29 at the time and I just couldn't look at him in the same way. Especially since they wouldn't let us in because he didn't have ID.

Also had to get rid of the guy who made a song request for me at a local radio station as a romantic gesture but it was a Phil Colins song and I loathe Phil Colins. BYE.

The guy who used to snort like a pig every couple of breaths. Shame, he was beautiful but it was so distracting and kept giving me fits of hysterical laughter. I bumped into him a few months ago and he doesn't do it anymore.

The guy who shouted WINNER in my ear whenever he came...

I'm sure there's more...

One guy used to hold my hands by my side when kissing me. And his kiss was like a washing machine with the door open, it was all so wet, urrgh!

The guy I mentioned earlier with the chapped lips and hand knitted cable jumpers used to ask my permission to kiss me, every bloody time. And he cried when I dumped him. god I'm so heartless

Perfect timing!

I've just been in touch with someone who used to be a 2-3 times a year fuckbuddy, since about 9 years ago. I've not seen him for the last couple of years - my choice rather than his. I've heard he's moving away from the area and contacted him to wish him luck in his new venture. Of course he asked if we could get together one last time. I was considering it - he's 10 years younger than me and has the body of a god - when he came out with the clincher "I would pay serious cash..."

There's nothing like making a woman feel like a sex worker to put her in the mood!!!!

And I'm another one who has dumped a man for having a tiny penis.

PenetrationMan would be a fantastic superhero. He could shoot webs like SpiderMan..

I finished with someone because I didn't like the back of his head

PenetrationMan would be a fantastic superhero. He could shoot webs like SpiderMan.

Only not from his hands. Obviously.

soap I am dying laughing at that. What was wrong with it?

I also dumped someone for having skinnier legs than me - I mean they were REALLY skinny and I often got the urge to shove him just to see if they would still hold him up or not. I am mean.

1. Another micro penis here.
   And it wasn't just me, honestly, I'm tight as a cat.
   P.S: He was also mad about fig rolls.

2. Somebody who thought the Daily Mail had 'really interesting stories'.

3. A manorexic bloke with horrible breath who asked me to put on 'lots of blusher, like a hooker'.

Ha hefzi no not me! Which means there are two men out there with shit taste in shoes

He pierces , he on punctures , he ruptures ..... Penetration man!!!!