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Penetration man

1000 replies

Cameron2012 · 21/08/2016 20:44

So I went out with a man many years ago who was very kind, interesting handsome, drove a lovely car and was very popular. But, I ended the relationship because he seemed to think whispering ' penetration' in my ear was sexy.
I also finished with a bloke because he had thick blond hair on his arms.
Now I know that means at the time I was very shallow, so ... What is the shallowest reason you have ever had to finish a relationship ?
😬

OP posts:
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7
nicetoseeyoutoseeyounice · 16/12/2016 22:02

I met this guy who was really really lovely. When I was struggling for money he even turned up at my house with a picnic as he knew I could barely afford to eat that week. But after the first time we slept together he woke up in the morning and did push ups next to the bed. He wasn't buff or anything so i don't think it was part of his normal routine, just something to show off. That was it for me. I dumped him a few days later. Was very shallow of me to dump him for that but but really put me off.

mrssmith79 · 17/12/2016 10:23

Oh God. I've had my share but I did have one guy who would insist on playing Paul Wellers Stanly Road album during sex. He'd set it away just before hopping onto the bed and would, without fail, ALWAYS hit the vinegar stroke during the last 16 bars of 'You do Something to me' (track 4).
Also called me by his sister in laws name once when I was giving him a blowie Confused.

Janey50 · 21/12/2016 19:14

OMG HappenstanceMarmite! I am crying with laughter at the idea of him sending you email links for gigantic rubber pants,babygros and comedy-sized bonnets! And Myusernameismyusername - Why were his toenails green? Did he paint them,or was it due to a fungal infection?

MooPointCowsOpinion · 21/12/2016 19:48

I dumped someone because when I seductively pinched his inner thigh, it was just skin and bone, no fat or muscle or anything. Bleugh.

One guy kissed so bad he actually hurt my bottom lip.

One guy was the first circumcised penis id ever seen and I just had too many questions, decided to just ignore his calls (I was only 18 in my defence!)

I dumped a boyfriend who would ejaculate in his pants when we kissed for a prolonged period of time. I put up with that way longer than I should have.

My DH worked part time, collected far too many DVDs and still lived with his mum when we met, and I wasn't put off, I decided that was a sign. Wink

SleightOfMind · 23/12/2016 02:55

No Capes
'There you go'
Grin

AmyC86 · 31/12/2016 14:46

Absolutely fantastic thread! Deserves the classics board.

I have a few:

Definitely Mr mushroom cock, although it was no longer than a cheap use & bin pepper pot.

Mr Boney, that bleeding thin he left bruses on the rear of my thighs from his pelvis

Athenajm80 · 01/01/2017 00:00

One guy used to say 'sexy so sexy' at EVERY STAGE of us geting ready to DTD, in between kisses, as he touched my boobs, as I took my top off, etc etc. Very irritating and came across as fake cause it was said so much.

Another guy, body like a Greek god and gorgeous face, abbreviated everything he said - lap instead of laptop, jack instead of jacket, that kind of thing. He was so gorgeous, I stayed with him for much longer then I should have, shame he was so thick. He'd also come to my house then say things like 'oh I thought you said you were going to get me a drink', despite nothing of the sort having been said. It was his way of asking. If you want a drink either help yourself or fucking ask for one, don't make up crap. Oh and he'd always have stains on his clothes. He wore really nice outfits, but then would have tea dripped down it when we were going for a night out. When I asked him about it, he'd make out like I had a major issue and say it was only tea (or ketchup or whatever) and what was my problem. Umm...we're going for a night out with friends and you can't be bothered to wear clean clothes?

Another stunning guy (god knows how I get them cause I'm not a stunner, but hey!) who was from Cameroon. I asked him something innocuous like what was his favourite food when we were chatting, and he started saying how he had to learn to cook cause the food here was shit, all British food was vile, and then went on a rant about how shit everything was in the UK, but at least the women were easy! I did sleep with him again after that but he was soo good in bed. I made the second time the last time though.

Oh and the guy I met from POF who when we met at a cafe that also serves alcohol, told me he didn't drink. Not a major issue, but I do like going out for a few drinks so it did make me think maybe this would be an issue in the future. He then spent the whole time in the cafe telling me stories about when he'd broken up fights, despite the fact that he knew I was an ex-bouncer so had done my fair share of it and that kind of thing doesn't impress me. I'm not talking about one or two stories, but over an hour of it. He then gave me a lift home and we were chatting about house renovations and what we were both doing with our homes. I invited him in so he could see a few things we'd been talking about, but then when he saw some weights etc in my room, he asked me to show him what kind of exercises I did so he could give me pointers on how to do them better. This was about 11.30pm. I ended the night pretty quickly then and as I went to shut the door, he leaned forward to kiss me, I may have accidentally shut the door in his face. He then proceeded to text me several times a day for a few months until NYE when he just had a massive go at me by text saying that he thought I was the one and couldn't believe that I didn't feel the same.

Sadly I've also had my fair share of tiny willies and one or two mushrooms.

No wonder I haven't got involved with anyone for a few years!

McGintyii · 01/01/2017 02:02

I went on a date with a friend of a friend and he turned up in the most hideous polyester top and half mast jeans. Told him politely I didn't think we were matched and he proceeded to keep texting me crap, the final text I had from him said 'Give your sen to the Dark Side'. He liked Star Wars!

Unicornsandrainbows3 · 01/01/2017 10:35

I can vouch for what 'AussieBogan* says as I've read the same threads. Our forums are policed much more than these so not nearly as interesting. This thread is quite the eye opener!

Jason911 · 02/01/2017 21:19

I've learnt so much about what not to do from this thread. It seems a miracle any of us ever get together at all! Thank you for all the contributions, made me grin like an idiot. I'm now paranoid about why I may have been binned during previous liaisons, it could be teeth, hair, shoes, back of head, or actually pretty much anything. Apart from the micro thing, I'm sure it's not that Grin

littleflappergirl · 03/01/2017 22:53

Pissing myself reading these! "Penetration" GrinGrinGrinGrinGrin

thebakerwithboobs · 03/01/2017 23:04

My sister went out with a guy who she met on POF. A couple of dates, meal, getting on really well. She decided to move things on, ahem, so she invited him back to hers. On the wall is a lovely family photo of my wedding to my husband. Her new beau was looking around and my sister watched him looking curiously at the photo. To cut a long story short, our Dad died a few years previously and mum has been 'back on the horse.' Her new man had shagged our mum. Shock

GlitterGlassEye · 03/01/2017 23:18

Fucking hell!

aman8850 · 04/01/2017 13:13

Sorry but 😂😂

AlabamaWorley75 · 09/01/2017 13:26

Man Child...
Painted his bedroom purple
Bought some pet rats
Ignored me to play his playstation
Lived with his mum
Was always skint
Had ice cream cone shaped cock, like started off small and the bellend was huge with a japseye the size of a 5p. Didn't really know what to do with the thing, couldn't get my gob round it, frightened it'd snap riding it.
How it lasted beyong 2 shags I'll never know 😂

AlabamaWorley75 · 09/01/2017 13:34

Porn Friend...
Went on a big jolly with work to Marbella. One messy night a work mate ended up in my room. Smoking a bit of weed, flipping channels and some porn came on, after being gobsmacked at just how this bird could shove a champagne bottle up her snatch him turning yo me all dead serious like saying "Can I lick you out?" just sent me over the edge. Laughed so damn hard but managed to squeak out a "No!!". He left shortly after. Still friends though.

FurryLittleTwerp · 01/02/2017 07:41

Had to dump one guy for kissing weirdly - eyes closed, lips barely open, no tongue at all, holding my hands down at the sides. He looked like a baby bird or something - just weird.

Another used to sometimes pretend I was his mummy & would paddle his feet up & down like a slow tantrum while fluttering his eyelashes & saying "I'm blue boy" Confused He was very tall 6'5" with an out-of-proportionally small penis - good with it though if I ignored the mummy thing He dumped me & I was heartbroken Hmm

Teutonic · 03/04/2017 11:22

Met a bloke in a bar and feeling a bit rampant, I took him home. Nipped to the loo while he got undressed and came back into the bedroom to see a false leg on the floor and him laid on the bed waving the stump of his leg around. Managed to get rid of him quickly and never saw him again.

Another one who yelled ' oh yeah baby ride me like a stallion ' I died inside and dumped him.

One who picked up my knickers from the floor, sniffed them while saying 'mmm beautiful ' He was dumped.

One who was a virgin, but I didn't know at the time, thrust away for what seemed like hours before telling me when he finally realised he couldn't come.

One who wanted to shag me while I was on my period!!! Er no! Dumped.

One who bent over and asked me to lick his arsehole while wanking him off. I almost ran away screaming at that. Needless to say his request was firmly refused.

Had a blind date with a bloke who was fat. We went for a meal and he proceeded to demolish a huge amount of food. Then at 21.00 told me he had to leave to put his elderly mother to bed. ( he lived with her as it turned out ) but I could go with him and once he had put her to bed, we could have a nice cup of tea and a chat. Er, not likely.

Tweedledee3Tweedledum · 06/04/2017 14:09

I once dated guy that referred to his penis as his sword.

aquamarine2 · 11/04/2017 16:58

his hearing aid kept whistling during sex........

Wholovesorangesoda · 19/04/2017 12:45

Guy 1 who was very nervous indeed and kept asking if he could kiss me "would you mind if I kissed you now?" "You're so beautiful, I might have to kiss you if that's ok?" Always said in a slightly quivering voice as he was so nervous. 2 dates that lasted.

Guy 2 who I was with for about 8 months who told me to stop being vulgar whenever I initiated sex, wouldn't have sex with me except on v rare occasions when he would roll off and look disgusted. He also gave me a disgusted look if I leant in for a kiss. How it lasted as long as it did I will never know!
Guy 3 I met in a club when I was about 17. Went back to his and I had to tiptoe around and not talk do his parents didn't know we were there. In his bedroom was a photo in a frame of him with his arms around a girl, very couples looking, which had obviously been launched across the room/at a wall at some point. Then when we got down to business he had a micro penis. I could only use my thumb and index finger to give him a hand job.
Guy 4 who clearly had issues and would shout out what wankers they were....when it was just the 2 of us.
I'm sure there's more but those are the highlights so to speak

lifesjoys · 21/04/2017 00:17

Here's one!

He used to pluck hairs out of his nose with his fingers and then inspect what he'd got!

He also would pick his nose proudly Envy

& whip his Todger out and say "stick it in your mouth then" Hmm

ScouseBird8364 · 01/05/2017 00:14

Great thread! Thankyou Mumsnet yet again for cheering me up, much needed WinkCakeFlowers

ScouseBird8364 · 01/05/2017 00:23

I, too, dated 'acorn willy'! Funny thing was, he was very popular with the ladies (!) but absolutely awful in bed! Hmm

PrincessAlibobbins · 01/05/2017 07:41

He liked to eat raw potatoes.

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