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Penetration man

1000 replies

Cameron2012 · 21/08/2016 20:44

So I went out with a man many years ago who was very kind, interesting handsome, drove a lovely car and was very popular. But, I ended the relationship because he seemed to think whispering ' penetration' in my ear was sexy.
I also finished with a bloke because he had thick blond hair on his arms.
Now I know that means at the time I was very shallow, so ... What is the shallowest reason you have ever had to finish a relationship ?
😬

OP posts:
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7
OlennasWimple · 24/08/2016 21:58

Keele, Grumpy?

essie100 · 24/08/2016 22:23

Called it his 'hokey pokey' stick - it was stick thin too

MotherOfGlob · 24/08/2016 22:37

He looked into my eyes while dtd and said 'you're like a rainbow, I can see all of your colours'.

grumpysquash3 · 24/08/2016 23:03

Keele, Grumpy?

No, Manchester.

NameChange10001 · 25/08/2016 00:24

Okay so NC for this one as it will really out me ;-)

Sorry this is a long story. Relationship only lasted about 5 months but has had a profoundly negative affect on me since. Awfully manipulative bastard.

He was a solicitor. Well off. Worked for family firm and father owned several luxury cars. Bloke had own house with reasonable mortgage. Spent most of his annual leave travelling the world. Two cars, one a convertible and one for every day. Pilot’s licence.

We met through a mutual friend at a time when I was incredibly busy with a project at work, involving me working at weekends, and he lived 200 miles away so we couldn't actually 'see' each other for about 2 months. We talked almost every night and it got quite deep quite quickly. The first warning I had was when he emailed me a sexual fantasy he had 'just written' about me, and I realised that due to one line of description which was completely wrong (wrong hair colour, build and height!) this had clearly been written about someone else (eg. a stock fantasy he had reused).

The second thing was that before we had actually DTD in person, he had bought me a remote controlled sex toy. This just seemed incredibly creepy.

When we did actual meet up to DTD he didn’t seem to be able to have an orgasm either from penetrative sex, oral or me wanking him. He could only come if he ‘finished himself off’. He blamed this on being circumcised=lack of sensitivity. (I had a LT Jewish partner before him and he never had any problem). He used being circumcised as an excuse for changing positions constantly, ‘banging’ me until I was always sore, trying to bend me in half (I kept having to remind him I didn’t do yoga and couldn’t put my legs behind my ears, etc, etc) He also tried to insist on anal (absolutely NO!) even though I’m pretty ‘tight’. His fetish was swimwear, I didn’t mind wearing it but I drew the line at him wearing women’s swimwear whilst ‘banging’ me.

He hated my sitting room carpet (not a euphemism!) and insisted I put a plain rug over it as the pattern made him ‘feel ill’.

He was manipulative with my time, constantly making me late for things that were important to me (a charity run, seeing a work client, meeting my friends, etc) by offering to drive me places and never leaving enough time. He was very into PDofA, which was highly embarrassing in front of my friends. Meanwhile he never introduced me to any of his friends (apart from the original mutual one).

When I went to stay at his place, even though he had said what we had was only a fairly casual thing (fine with me) he kept trying to take me round to introduce me to his parents! I said ‘NO, if I am your girlfriend, and it’s been at least a few months, I’ll meet the parents, but this is just a fling, so no way!’ He would drive me to their house and I would just refuse to get out of the car.

He was stalking an ex, though it took me a while to realise this.

He was obsessed with saving money and coupons/discounts for everything. To the extent of hanging round the supermarket at 9.58pm buying 7p broccoli (I don't like broccoli and neither did he). "But it's only 7p!" "Neither of us like broccoli" "But it's only 7p!" repeat ad nauseam. He also kept trying to persuade me to use my Tesco points (x4) on offers like Pizza Express (not a restaurant I care for) or theme parks (not my thing either) rather than (x2) on train journeys (which I used regularly). I always paid my own way as I was always brought up not to see men as meal tickets, but when there was a moderately cheap restaurant I wanted to go to which he didn’t have a coupon for, he made me pay for the whole thing.

The last straw was trying to force me to have sex with him when I was ill and had recently vomited. I had to keep saying no more and more forcefully, (I was still nauseous) and when he eventually got off me, he couldn’t understand why I was upset ‘but I got off you when you said no’. Err no, that’s not how consent works. I was completely shaken up by this.

Solicitor man then went abroad for a family wedding, followed by yet another exotic vacation, and I spent the next couple of weeks trying to work out how best to end it with him. When he rang me on his return, I was relieved to hear he had shagged someone else when he was away. He had only just met her at the reception of the hotel (they screwed in a hot tub, without a condom, despite his insisting on me being checked out at the STD clinic before we DTD). I was delighted to be able to use this as the reason for not seeing him any more, though I agreed we could ‘stay friends’.

It was my birthday the next month and he turned up at my DParents’ house (he hadn’t met them as we weren’t a couple!) and insisted on coming out with us for my birthday meal. He knew their address because he had done a very minor legal job for my DM (and over charged her). My DM, who had by now heard all the gruesome details, was very cold with him, as was my DSis but my DF was completely charmed by him, and still talks wistfully of him now as ‘the one who got away’. Errr NO! Solicitor man had obviously been let down by his foreign hot tub fuck buddy and was keen to get back with me. Yuck! No way.

He pursued me for another couple of months. The final straw was the night in the middle of winter when my DSis came off her bike on some black ice and had suspected concussion. He rang up and talked at me for about 10 minutes without pausing for breath. When he finally did pause, I said, “Were you planning to ask me how my day was?” He said, “Erm, yes”. I told him about my DSis and told him to fuck the fucking fuck off and get off the phone as I was waiting for news from the hospital. That was the end of that. I blocked him on FB, blocked his number on my phone, blocked his email, and hung up if he called my landline. He ended up writing to me a few times but after nearly 6 months (!) he finally got the message.

Even now, I sometimes have nightmares about him breaking into my house and I find it very hard to trust people. If I could have the night again when I met him, I would NOT meet up with my friend and his ‘university friend from out of town’.

ArcheryAnnie · 25/08/2016 01:06

Good lord, NameChange, you are well away from that one. He sounds awful on every possible level! I'm sorry you had such an arse as that after you.

314dPiper · 25/08/2016 02:28

Holy FUcking Moly namechange

Shock
venki · 25/08/2016 09:00

I had a brief fling with a woman who I knew from the start was a bit of a wrong'un.

I don't know where on earth she got this from or why she thought it would be pleasurable for me, but while dtd she bit me on the bollocks.

After I'd scraped myself of the ceiling I politely asked if she could refrain from doing that again.

She also revealed that she thought she could get pregnant from giving a blow job.

littleredpear · 25/08/2016 09:32

A guy with nose hair so coarse, which he trimmed, that left my top lip, face and own nose red raw after kissing I had to put Vaseline on it for days.

He got the hump when I pointed it out.

It was awful.

Hausfrau29 · 25/08/2016 10:47

venki

Even I'm cringing with pain at the though of bollock biting and I'm female! Eurgh.

My brother once went out with a girl who thought that it hurt men to wank and that's why they made grunting/sex noises...

SheWhoDaresGins2 · 25/08/2016 11:40

venki

After I'd scraped myself off the ceiling I politely asked if she could refrain from doing that again

You were very polite given the circumstances Grin

custardtartmustardfart · 25/08/2016 11:48

An older guy who I should have never gone out with because he was urgh, gross used to say 'okey cokey, piggidy pokedy' which really made me grit my teeth.

Another man (who was a sort of neighbour) thought he could woo me by walking around his garden late at night in just a t-shirt and socks 'looking for his dog' after I'd knocked asking for rizlas. He did actually become a FWB later on though don't judge me and he was actually way weirder when I got to know him, he seemed to be a bit of a closet american hillbilly wannabe, had a badly pierced willy, and a thing for boots worn during sex. I heard rumours that he had a pair of his own to wear for wanking in but I never saw them. He did used to buy me wine every time he came over though, so there was that.
I finished it with him after I had a dream about him romantically proposing to me in a beautiful forest Grin Confused

KarmaBiatch · 25/08/2016 12:34

Whilst at uni I went on a couple of dates with a guy I had drunkenly snogged and forgot what he looked like, so first encounter was awkward as this guy trotted up to me and gave me a big hug (at least he remembered what I looked like). He was nice enough, bar a bit too overly affectionate from the get go. He had to go after taking me to a naice restaurant, where he ordered frogs legs, and then proceeded to dance the little leftover froggy leg bones across the table toward me whilst singing in a Kermit voice. I was mortified, let him drive me home and endured a few weeks of love/begging letters until I got my mum to go out and tell him that I was moving cities (which was true) but good god, he was relentless, and in my yoof I was far too polite to tell him to naff off.

Oldisthenewblack · 25/08/2016 13:25

KarmaBiatch - little froggy leg bones!! That's made me laugh out loud Grin

wibblywobbler · 25/08/2016 18:53

There was the bloke who had a tight foreskin with a very sensitive helmet and could only be touched or have sex with the foreskin pulled over it. One time he was on top and he suddenly stopped with a howl and ran out my bedroom to the bathroom leaving a trail of blood behind him. I didn't know what to do so I went to get some wet cloths and was scrubbing the blood out my carpet when he came back in and put his head in my lap and cried like a baby. His foreskin had split while inside me. I had to coax him back into bed while I went to wash the blood from out of me and from the floors from the bedroom to the bathroom.

Then another guy who was so out of shape he couldn't go on top for more than two minutes without him fearing he would pass out while he dripped sweat all over me, so I would always have to go on top while he mewed like a kitten

Another guy who I affectionately termed my toyboy as he was 20 and I was 25 must have watched a fairly decent amount of porn in his spare time as I was pulled and contorted into several different positions on the bed then carted across my sizeable bedroom to a wall to do it against that and then back to the bed, pushed to my knees and we did it against that. I dumped him after I was sick of getting cricked necks, him holding my head and bouncing it up and down while he got a bj and getting highly disturbed about his over attachment to his baby brother. He came over one time and told me to listen to some rap song he told me would explain his feelings and I had to listen to the indecipherable lyrcs while he stared intently at me while beating his chest continuously with one fist. He was such a strange one

Skinhead1919 · 25/08/2016 18:57

I also dumped someone for being called Barry. I thought I could hack it but as well as looking like shaggy from Scooby doo it was all too much. My friends laughed. So much.

Skinhead1919 · 25/08/2016 18:58

Also one wore white slip on trainers

Skinhead1919 · 25/08/2016 18:59

And another bit his nails so low I wouldn't go out with him.

jessicarabbit0411 · 25/08/2016 19:51

Wow.....so I'm not the only nutter magnet then. I feel strangely reassured by this thread. Here's my contribution:

Nutter 1: after visiting my house for the first time remarked "we will get a good price for this once we are married". I jokingly asked him just where we were going to live and he replied (totally seriously) that his parents, who lived in another country were getting on a bit and needed some help round the house.....so we would live with them.
BYE!!!!

Nutter 2: could only come if he wanked over my face. He also told me that I would never get better than him and nobody else would ever want me. He also didn't believe in visiting the dentist and read on the internet you could cure tooth decay with raw garlic. Vom.

Nutter 3: cried when Take That split up and wouldn't leave the house for days. So that was the end of another beautiful friendship. He is now married to a man....

jamesk0001 · 25/08/2016 20:01

Ok, one from the other side....

Girlfriend of a few weeks and she had done all of the mucking about and wouldn't let me touch her.

We were about to do the deed and got to her bedroom when she undressed. She had sooooo much metalwork on her parts that I was truly terrified that I would get my manhood mangled so I made my apologies and left.

Not my proudest day.

OFuckShitAndBollocks · 25/08/2016 20:19

Guy 1 - I was 15 he was 24 (perhaps a perv?!) he was desperate to impress me, proposed when I was 18. I was desperate to ditch him but wasn't sure how and ended up complaining that he had a white bum (he worked outdoors and was v. tanned) so the next day he worked in the buff and burnt his arse cheeks almost raw. Ditched him.

Guy 2 - teeny todger. Tried to date me when we were 17 ish but I wasn't single and didn't bite, then when I was single I thought "might as well, he's persistent and sweet". He came in his pants the first time we snogged but I thought I'd give him a chance. Had sex the first and last time and I had to ask if he was in yet to discover that he had a little finger sized todger. Had to go. Especially as he cried after he came and told me we were meant to be together, he had always loved me and we had to get married. What?!

Guy 3 - rather rotund and I couldn't locate todger. I like a good shag and have probably been a tad slaggish in the past. He was lovely, kind, sweet guy but I couldn't find his cock so I had to ditch him!

Guy 4 - he dribbled in my mouth when he got turned on, total turn off! He also regularly had crusty bog roll stuck beneath his foreskin which I only ever discovered during a bj, vomit. It was a shame because he was great, fit, funny, hot and incredible in bed. Just couldn't stand the dribble and the cock cheese!!

cityrat79 · 25/08/2016 20:20

Oh, and the guy who came too fast (into a condom) but kept grinding away (presumably with the hope of getting it up again?) with the squelch of a full condom punctuating his every useless thrust.

gingerbreadmanm · 25/08/2016 20:38

i once dated someone briefly who was a little older. i had a feeling he was a bit of a stoner. we had lots of nice plain dates until he asked me to be his gf. fb official and all! i stupidly agreed had been single a long time much to everyone around me's dismay

anyway, we were out drinking one night, seperately. i went home and to bed. woke up to a million missed calls in the early hours which was odd as we really werent at that stage.

left the house in the morning to find his phone on my porch step. he must have been sat outside my house! weird! was awkward returning the phone.

OFuckShitAndBollocks · 25/08/2016 20:49

O and there was a guy, very very very gorgeous, foreign sexy accent, date when DTD was definitely in the cards and he got me to meet him in homebase wearing his socks and sandals, yes, socks and sandals. Long white socks. And proceeded to get me to carry a massive heavy bag of soil back to his flat (15min walk). Made me shower on arrival and then proceeded to try very hard to shag me. Wasn't impressed with the wooing but was still tempted until I discovered a growth on the back of his head at the base of his skull. It felt a bit like a nipple and meal et made me vom. Left as fast as I could, can't remember how I left but the neck nipple made me almost commit in my mouth. Ridiculous but uncontrollable!

OFuckShitAndBollocks · 25/08/2016 20:55

Remembered another one...

Met M through friends reunited or something (still in my slaggy days) just fuck buddies. Anyway time goes by and he tells me I'm pretty cool and he'd actually like to be "an official couple" so I said sure (was flattered and the sex was great). 3 things happened to put me off, a girl he fancied from work phoned him in the middle of the night and didn't believe he wasn't alone so he made me talk to her, he took condoms away with him when travelling for work "just in case" and lastly, he smelt damp like his clothes hadn't dried properly or something. Really put me off.

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