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Penetration man

1000 replies

Cameron2012 · 21/08/2016 20:44

So I went out with a man many years ago who was very kind, interesting handsome, drove a lovely car and was very popular. But, I ended the relationship because he seemed to think whispering ' penetration' in my ear was sexy.
I also finished with a bloke because he had thick blond hair on his arms.
Now I know that means at the time I was very shallow, so ... What is the shallowest reason you have ever had to finish a relationship ?
😬

OP posts:
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7
meddie · 24/08/2016 10:35

Date took me to a lovely country pub, turned up in jumbo cords and history teacher style jumper with leather arm patches, then proceeded to tear apart the beer mats and make origami flowers with them. Presenting them to me one by one while pronouncing "these are for you my lady".
I gave him the benefit of the doubt and second date he offered to cook me dinner at his. I arrived at his house to find he lived in his mums front room and dinner was a portion of fish and chips and a bottle of iron bru ( he wasnt even Scottish otherwise I would have forgiven that).
Told him I was allergic to fish and run out the house.

abitfeisty77 · 24/08/2016 10:38

I dumped a guy because he didn't drive and was quite short (my DH isn't that tall, mind you). Was quite young and wanted to be 'looked after', didn't want to be picking him up for dates. With plenty of hindsight Li nda regret treating him so badly...

abitfeisty77 · 24/08/2016 10:39

*kinda

MaudlinNamechange · 24/08/2016 10:40

I like the fact that SingleandFabulous is intimately acquainted with not one, but two, micropenes and follows their fortunes to knowing that they have children. (Are any of them yours?)

Amibambini · 24/08/2016 10:44

Yeah I definitely do feel sorry for the micro-penised guys. Must be heartbreaking for them.

I was quite a penis snob for a while until I had a 6 month relationship with a guy who had a very small penis. It was quite thumb like. I was initially quite disappointed but the sex turned out to be AMAZING. It must of been the angle or the shape was perfectly hitting my g-spot because it was the only penis that I could ride and consistently have wall-shaking penetration-only orgasms. It was brilliant. I was quite sad when he dumped me to get back with his ex. I should have known, he kept a picture of her up in his bedroom.

singleandfabulous · 24/08/2016 10:50

Ha ha! MaudlinNameChange No, none of them mine. I've been really good friends with them both for over 20 odd years (they were involved with friends of mine so we became friends and they told me of their problems dating). I don't know what they thought I could do to help. I just said when you meet the right woman it won't matter. I did have a fumble with one of them but there was just no chemistry between us.

Blerg · 24/08/2016 11:06

Seventh make up lessons from his sister?! Cheeky git. I hope she was embarrassed for him.

Skinhead1919 · 24/08/2016 11:09

I went out with a weirdo because I loved his long hair, it soon became apparent that he was just too tired to get it cut, along with his fingernails and toenails, he was also too tired to eat or do anything in bed. He would only use the phone twice a day so I wasn't allowed to call him unless it was 2pm or 11pm and he used to have a strict routine of websites he had to look at before his day started including 'word of the day'
He refused to move out of someone's attic even though he'd been in it for years and years and they'd all actually 'grown up' and had their own children since he'd been in it.
I stayed with this drip for 2.5 years out of pity because his mum was dying and I'm just too kind.
He's long gone now. I was a twat for staying there plus I was sick of pretending he measured 5ft6 when in fact it was 5 ft 3 and I'm 5ft 8.

I'm now married to a 6ft2" man with neat nails and a love of food and I can finally wear heels if I want to. Grin

wrcm · 24/08/2016 11:12

He had no toenails - so he had to go....

Fontella · 24/08/2016 11:30

then proceeded to tear apart the beer mats and make origami flowers with them. Presenting them to me one by one while pronouncing "these are for you my lady"

I was crying with laughter already, then I got to this .... which has sent me right over the edge.

GrinGrinGrin

I honestly don't think I have laughed so much at anything in my life as I have laughed at this thread.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/08/2016 11:38

cheddar cheese sandwich balanced on the top of your erect cock not fine
OMG - actually crying here.
Brilliant!

Rockingaround · 24/08/2016 12:09

This is brilliant! 😂 once went out with a squaddie who called me a dirty bitch over and over throughout dtd who then wanted me to spit on it,Hmm I was very young.
Long term boyf who was 31 when I was 19, after dtd I said I needed the loo, he leapt up, raced in front of me layes in the empty bath and said 'do it on me, please' ... And I did Blush
One who told me to keep my tights on and ripped a little entrance hole Blush
One who didn't want to actually have sex and just wanted to 'rub', frictioned me for half and hour then came in his hand Shock
I've also had a smug poker, who just jabbed me until I faked it and was soooo pleased with himself
.... These were all when I was about 18-23, I just think I was so less assertive then, God!
Ooo one more who called it Percy 😔 Jesus

singleandfabulous · 24/08/2016 12:17

Rockingaround

You've been very unfortunate!

This thread has been the best laugh I've had in months.

Rockingaround · 24/08/2016 12:28

I read it all yesterday on a long car trip, last night and this morning, so so funny, the briefcase was classic, as is the J Flower person, the one who actually pooed on her leg!!! ShockShock I've always thought I had a chequered past bit of a slapper but I have never experienced poo!! The funniest was the big one who liked to slap it around her head while watching telly, I burst out laughing in the car with DM, DH, Fil and both DC's 😂

ArcheryAnnie · 24/08/2016 14:24

PinkPlastic that made me howl, thank you. Not even the actual Sean Bean could get away with saying "magic" every time after the deed.

wherethefuckisthefuckingtuna · 24/08/2016 14:32

Told me he was taking me away for my birthday, followed with:

"Nothing fancy. Just clean sheets and a room to ourselves" shudder

Hausfrau29 · 24/08/2016 15:31

ArcheryAnnie

WHAT?! Sean Bean could even get away with whispering "penetration" to me and I wouldn't chuck him out of bed! In fact, I'd probably find it sexy! 😂

girlandboy · 24/08/2016 15:35

The shallowest reason I've had to end a relationship?

His name was Roger, and I just couldn't bring myself to say it.

I am very shallow

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 24/08/2016 15:50

girlandboy I'd end every phone call roger roger 😁😂

ArcheryAnnie · 24/08/2016 16:06

Hausfrau29 hmm, depends on their accent.

Face like Sean Bean, body like Sean Bean, voice like Sean Bean purring "magic" into your ear, every time after: you may have a point.

Face like Sean Bean, body like Sean Bean, voice like Paul Daniels squeaking "magic!" every time after: nope.

SheWhoDaresGins2 · 24/08/2016 19:26

Face like Sean Bean, body like Sean Bean, voice like Paul Daniels squeaking Magic like Paul Daniels... oh my god, had the shittiest of shitty days but that has just cheered me right up. Grin

grumpysquash3 · 24/08/2016 19:33

*grumpySquash I have to commit the ultimate sin of not reading the full thread, to ask if 'mummy' man has a name beginning with J and a surname that is a well known flower...

Errmmm, yes to both. This was at a Northern Uni ~1990, so he would be late 40's now. Is it him??

I need to know if this was the same person.
This thread is sort of mesmerising*

And I want to know if it's Justin Rose (the golfer!)

No, not him (but similar name). Not as famous as that.....

QueenOfTheAndals · 24/08/2016 20:44

I have a potential new shag next week but now I'll just be worrying that he might have a mushroom cock or want me to piss on him!!!

Teaandcakeat8 · 24/08/2016 20:51

I'm single and this thread has just filled me with dread. It's a minefield out there...

redlittlesquirrel · 24/08/2016 21:32

Not as...interesting...as most of these, but I was briefly involved with a guy I met online (3 months "together", though actually only saw him twice as we lived quite far apart and both lived with our parents at the time, he was 19, I was 16).

His spelling/grammar were absolutely appalling, really awful. There were certain words that he didn't seem to know existed, so he would say "as" instead of has for instance. First time he text, I thought it was a typo so let him off, but no, it continued. He called me "hunni", which I couldn't hack because of the spelling (though he probably thought that was the proper way to spell it) or princess (which just makes me cringe). He was constantly accusing me of seeing someone else (sometimes saying it in what could be seen a as a jokey way, but I could tell he was actually serious - first time he said it, I actually thought he was joking so jokingly replied "yeah, I've just been seeing my other boyfriend". He got sulky. Once he also accused me of fancying his brother - who I had never even seen - because he said his brother really liked the band Supertramp, and I, bored out of my mind, said "Oh cool".). He would also make AWFUL jokes ALL the time. I think part of it was nerves to begin with but it was so embarrassing, especially round my family/friends. I'm friends with him on Facebook and every other status seems to be some terrible joke. He would also say the most inappropriate stuff when were were alone which he obviously thought would turn me on but just made me want to slap him. Kissing him was like kissing a fish. I made my excuses for not letting him kiss me in the end, just let him kiss my neck...still most unpleasant.

The second time we were supposed to meet, I didn't really want too - mostly because after the first meet up, I realised I wasn't particularly interested in him (though our break up was technically initiated by him, followed two weeks later by the "I've made a mistake conversation", I did want to break up a while earlier, the only reason I didn't was because I was a bit worried about his mental state and was trying to think of the nicest way to do so) but also my grandmother was seriously ill and I didn't think it was fair on the family to have someone else around especially someone I didn't even want to see but he just wouldn't take no for an answer, and I was a young, shy, daft 16 year old so didn't just refuse to meet up with him.

For our first and last Valentines Day, he bought me a bottle of one of my favourite perfumes. It brought me out in a rash.
He once told me I was his "best friend" (pre meet up) and I thought that was quite sweet, replied "Really?" and he basically said yes, because he didn't have anyone else to be best friends with. Charming.

We didn't have sex (thankfully) but he did ask me once what he would need to do when we did - he has a kid now, so I guess he figured it out!

Finally...he once told me Avril Lavigne had to be rock because "there's electric guitars in it". No. Just, no.

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