Penetration man

[Cameron2012]

So I went out with a man many years ago who was very kind, interesting handsome, drove a lovely car and was very popular. But, I ended the relationship because he seemed to think whispering ' penetration' in my ear was sexy.
I also finished with a bloke because he had thick blond hair on his arms.
Now I know that means at the time I was very shallow, so ... What is the shallowest reason you have ever had to finish a relationship ?
😬

I really expected briefcase story to end with him wanking into it - It probably did after I left. I later found out that he used the briefcase to store his "dirty things" (his words) in there and was able to lock it away from his mum. who still came round every other day to do his cleaning. he was 27. His dirty things were condoms id got from the brook clinic - 2 porn mags, bottle of baby lotion and.....his bank statements ??? God he loved himself, He also had a dog like rude dog and the dweebs and quite often I would go the toilet and come back and it would be in my space, he'd get all defensive and kiss her and say arrr she feels left out so it would end up sleeping on the bed.

I saw him recently with now dp, we were in the car he was out walking the dog and he was dressed in a leather mac as if he had just stepped off the matrix set. Why I stayed for 3 months I don't know. I later found out that sil had also gone out with him after meeting him on holiday, he still had "the briefcase of filth".

Not learning from my experience with him, I then moved straight onto the older man I was 19 he was 38, we chatted for a while and he told me he was an artist. this then progressed onto how he would love to draw me like a french girl - we'd been chatting about titanic, god he was gorgeous, I had a few dates with him and one evening went back to him to chill out and stay over, I went to the toilet for a wee at 1 point and heard him hovering outside the door so finished and opened the door, he asked what I was doing and pushed me back in as he kissed my neck then whispered "would you like me to piss on your tits" I said no and spent the rest of the evening in silence or 1 word answers, and avoided his phone calls after that. I was a very shocked 19 yr old!

Magic Hands.

Waggled his fingers in my face mid shag and said he had magic hands. Looked really, really pleased with himself, rolled off and proceeded to poke in the general area of my clit for ages until I faked an orgasm just so he'd stop. "Told you so." He said with the most self satisfied smirk you've ever seen.

Apparently his ex had told him about his Magic Hands© so if you're on here, you created a monster.

lavenderrains huzzah I am sooo glad I am not the only one to have had the kissing a washing machine with the door open experience... Cute enormous Argentinian rugby player but one kiss five minutes of drowning was enough... He called me something very rude for bailing before he got to second base... Or whatever they call it nowadays!.

And I too have encountered the pencil willy... One feel was enough for me to kick that one into touch... I was a bit stunned tbh!

More are coming to mind!

Boyfriend before the one who wanted me to put a belt around my waist with my dropped waist dress. Our first - and last - date as we walked home from the pub, he stopped every ten feet or so to snog me. His snogging was not brilliant, but not so awful that I wanted to do a bit of sick in my mouth. The thing was it was making me cringe. I was sixteen and the continual stopping and kissing just felt like way too much PDA for me.

In my twenties, working in the City. A friend and I were on a promise with two bar men. We'd left their pub - closed early, the City - and went to one in Shorditch, before Shorditch was hipster central. I seem to recall it was a gay bar, but I was very, very drunk. My friend was also very, very drunk and this is an important point to remember. Some music came on the jukebox, possibly Abba, and they started to dance in a "join in with us" sort of way. You know when you're very, very drunk and very little embarrasses you, because so drunk? They started dancing and I ran away to lock myself in the toilet. Next thing I hear is my friend banging on the door begging me to let her in. Their dancing was so bad, so, so, SO bad that I wanted to stay in the toilet until the end of the world or until they left whichever came first. We were laughing and crying in equal measure and trying to convince ourselves to go out again, which eventually we did, but the promise was not taken up that night, nor ever again. Oh my days, just having to stand there with them after everyone had seen them dance and knew we were with them.

Thing is we still went to drink in their pub. And get occasional free drinks.

I had to finish with a very eligible bachelor because of the (really bad) impressions he liked to do...'Charlie says...' (the crossing the road one being the worst!).

Also forgot about the guy who had flexed his arm muscles the first time we DTD. It wasn't quite Christian Bale in American Psycho style, but despite the fact he was trying to be subtle it was really bloody obvious. Then, as we were laying there, he asked me to feel his abs as he wanted to get on the cover of Men's Health . IMO his body wasn't even that amazing, it was a bit verging on bodybuilder for my liking, but how vain do you have to be?!

Hollanda not all Mackems are like that honest !

I once had a ons with a guy whose willy felt like a small dry asparagus. He wouldn't let me see it. although I wasn't looking anyway and complained that I was manhandling it so much that I was hurting him.

Had a long standing boyfriend who was obsessed with breasts and couldn't have penetrative sex at all. He could only orgasm if I 'posed ' for him a la soft porn magazines while he wanked while staring at my breasts with a glazed look in his eyes. I was young at the time so put up with it but thinking back his orgasm problem was probably too much 'death grip' wanking. I chucked him in the end because I wanted a proper sex life.

Another guy thought it was a turn on to tell me that I hw was going to squirt and squirt inside me. Ugh.

There's more. I was a virgin and intended to remain so for a while so when I went to bed with a ons guy I liked (who was probably inexperienced anyway) I kept my rather chubby thighs together while he pounded away between them, going full steam ahead at the mattress. I thought he realised that he hadn't penetrated until afterwards, when he thanked me for letting have sex with him. I didn't have the heart to tell him.

Another couple...

He quacked when we went to the pub, it was a nervous tic. I could have put up with this, but he was also a total tool.

Blind date: I thought it would be funny to put in some hillbilly style horrendous false teeth to answer the door with (complete with thick glasses, and a cushion shoved up my dress). My bad. His actual teeth were worse.

I felt like the devil.

Also, horrendous sweaters (as in the drippy stuff, not jumpers) - I dated two of these briefly, who both happened to smoke the ole' wacky baccy prolifically. One sweat so much, I went to make the bed the next day, and there was a wet patch twice the size of him, and I thought he'd peed the bed and had to sniff it (initially I thought the cat had broke in and peed on the bed, but realised there was waaaaay too much wet!), and the other did the same... but also peed the bed as well. Boak!

grumpySquash I have to commit the ultimate sin of not reading the full thread, to ask if 'mummy' man has a name beginning with J and a surname that is a well known flower...

Errmmm, yes to both. This was at a Northern Uni ~1990, so he would be late 40's now. Is it him??

Although, to be more correct, I first knew him ~1990. The "mummy" moment might have been around 1995, when he would have been in his mid/late 20's.

It sounds even worse now, doesn't it? :(

Oh my god, two of you know the same one?

Weirdly skinny penis and terrible sex, we had been seeing each other about 3 weeks and the day after DTD I told him "it isn't you, it's me"
The next guy barely had a penis (he called it his little welk ) my first thought was "our son would also have a tiny penis" I gave him a chance though (10 months!) but turns out he was tied to tight to his mother's apron strings.

As a 16 year old wouldn't go out with a guy again because he wore unfashionable shoes. I was 16 at the time.
In my 20's fellow turned up for our daytime date in lederhosen, long socks, hat -the whole 9 yards. I got a sudden migraine and wouldn't let him in the door.
Also 20's - after two dates, the poor guy told me he was madly in love with me and I burst out laughing (mean cow me).

Do you think the tiny penis men can have children? Does it go in enough?

I had a really lovely kind and generous boyfriend who was just so lovely to me in every way. I can't remember what the insane reason was for leaving him but I think it had to do with his flatmate keeping the house too hot and I thought I was melting all the time.

I have read the whole thread. So funny but now I have to go to sleep. sex briefcase man is rather scry.

Hilarious thread!

Lovely bloke who thought kissing meant covering as much of your face as possible with a wet wide open mouth. I didn't see him for long. I was convinced I would suffocate.

Gorgeous bloke who laid on top of me, put his cock and just stayed there. I thought he had fallen asleep until he started groaning. I thought I would suffocate that time too. I mean no thrusts, nothing just cock in and dead weight until he came

A lovely man with a very long cock who thought it was sexy to spin it like a propellor whilst grinning an announcing I was going to get it, lucky girl! Wtf! It never got hard all at once either very odd. He sent me a picture of it in the bath with a rubber duck perched on it. Hilarious It was like a semi inflated duck life raft.

The gorgeous long haired rock god who got out his less than impressive manhood and muttered the immortal line "and where would madam like me to put it?" Erm back in your trousers dick head!

A potential ONS didn't happen when he wanted to wash me... After sitting in a bath tub for 5 mins or so, being dabbed at with a flannel, I decided it wasn't going to work for me and made my excuses.

Bugger! "As a 16 year old I went out..." " I was 16 at the time"
Why didn't I check what I'd written........ Sorry folks!

He called me Hun...that was it, I was off!

He called me Hun. That was it, I was off!

These are hilarious!

I thought of another one...

Knew this guy vaguely, we both happened to be single at the same time and decided to get it on for something to do. We were hoping for a FWB type of arrangement whilst we were both single.

Into the bedroom. When he dropped his trousers, I was agog - red satin boxers with little black figures on them fornicating in different poses. I managed to move on from that... just..

He obviously couldn't get an erection, as he was taking hours with the rather boring foreplay but I played along. Eventually after no action, he said something along the lines of "I'll sort it". Well.... he put the pillow lengthways and just started humping it. Like it was a woman or something, no idea, it was very frantic humping! I was sort of lying there stroking his back whilst he was humping the pillow and I was thinking WTF do I do now. This went on and on and until he said "sit on my stomach, baby" and being the fool I was, I did. Again lots of grinding and "oh yeah baby" but nothing. Zilch.

I spent the whole time wondering how to extricate myself. Funnily enough our friendship survived but that attempt at sex was never ever mentioned!

If someone whispered in my ear 'penetration' I'd crack up laughing..

Actually I'm gonna do it do DH later and test his reaction.

grumpySquash I have to commit the ultimate sin of not reading the full thread, to ask if 'mummy' man has a name beginning with J and a surname that is a well known flower...

Errmmm, yes to both. This was at a Northern Uni ~1990, so he would be late 40's now. Is it him??

I need to know if this was the same person.
This thread is sort of mesmerising!