Penetration man

[Cameron2012]

So I went out with a man many years ago who was very kind, interesting handsome, drove a lovely car and was very popular. But, I ended the relationship because he seemed to think whispering ' penetration' in my ear was sexy.
I also finished with a bloke because he had thick blond hair on his arms.
Now I know that means at the time I was very shallow, so ... What is the shallowest reason you have ever had to finish a relationship ?
😬

Up until recently I'd been casually seeing a guy for a month or so. Every time we had sex he would ask me to shout MY name at him, and when he refused he would actually start to plead. I finished things after the 3rd time this happened.
I also had a one night stand with a guy I sort of knew a few years back; when he started growling like a lion in the middle of sex I promptly told him to take his dick out of me and leave. I just couldn't carry on with someone roaring at me

Never mind the Daily Mail getting hold of this - it looks as if the Daily Mash has done it this time!

You're all in here

Bloody love the daily mash 😁

not 😁 Ffs

Damn it, I was just about to post that link

Interesting how that article tries to out us in our place by scaring us with the nightmare spinster scenario...

“Then I will go home to a flat that is empty except for a cat, some furniture and a big print of Audrey Hepburn.”

I say, fuck that shit. Be choosy. Men certainly are!

*put not out!

I know! What's so bad about Audrey?

I have an ex who would say "it's all for you" and then sounded like he was in pain when he came. If he was feeling horny, he'd put on pathetic childish voice, flutter his eyelashes and say "I've got a problem."

He wore MacKenzie jeans. Nuff said.

I knew a posh bloke who went to an all boys' school and called his dogs his 'girlfriends' < boak >

when I was living in Jamaica I went out (just the once) with a really fit policeman. Little did I know he was carrying his (work) gun under his shirt. He said it was in case he needed to protect me. Seriously. He also used inappropriate language and kept using words like 'vagina'. After 2 drinks I feigned illness and made him take me home. Makes me shudder just thinking about that night!

Flozle

So, how did he pronounce 'genre'?

Jen-ear.

And what's a cock cage?

chastity device for men. Locks over their cock and balls to prevent an erection.

natty28

"his head was smaller than his body." I'm so very confused by this statement!! I don't think I've met anyone who's head is bigger than their body?! 😂

When I was younger.....he turned up to a date in what looked like "Farah" nylon type trousers....... That was the end for me, and I died a thousand deaths on that first date in case anyone saw me walking with him in town.....

Dumped Boyfriends

Northern Twat 1.

He came from Sunderland. Now, at the time, I had nothing against Mackhams. However, he changed my mind. It wasn't a speedy process, by any means. I just started to see a side of him that scared me. He accused me of flirting in a club, took my arm and bent it right up my back. Why didn't I dump him then? I was young, dumb and "in love". I dumped him for good when he (the day after smoking a load of weed), threw his 3 year old niece to the floor when she wanted to watch cartoons. Now I loved that little girl. It made me wonder how he'd treat his own kids...yeah, he was gone.

Slightly more shallowly, his taste in music was hideous, he never cleaned his manhood (cottage cheese anyone?) and his tongue was yellow. All that weed.

Northern Twat 2.

After swearing off Mackhams (but not quite off all Northerners), I met G. He worked with me and I was drunk when we met. This should have set warning alarms ringing, especially when I said "Oh are you from Sunderland??!" Haha. Anyway, This one was a self obsessed jerk. Made fun of my desire to go to TGI Fridays for my birthday meal. Got hammered and left me stranded in Prague. The piece de la resistance? Hahaha. He took me to Windermere for Valentines Day. Got drunk the night before, ended up punching me, then threw me onto the bed, removed the bedclothes and slept nice and warm on the floor, leaving me to shiver in my clothes and my coat and no duvet. Valentine's Day morning, he went to the nearest garage, bought me a £2.99 bunch of flowers (he left the price tag on) and came back to the hotel. He gave them to me...and omg, I SWEAR..said "I gave one of the flowers to the cleaner because she liked them." I allowed the nutter to drive us home, then dumped him pronto. He got sacked from work after a very abusive email that unfortunately for him, happened to get forwarded to my boss...oh dear...such a shame.

Slightly more shallowly: he referred to his dick as "Big Guy", asked me after 3 months to let him dress up as a gimp, and wore Mr Happy boxer shorts in bed. And grey socks.

There are more, but those two were the worst by far. I can now spot violent men at 50 paces. And I hate weed. Ugh that smell still kills me.

Back in the 90's I met a guy in a club, I was 21, he was cute, and he wore one of those kangol type hats. He lived in Manchester which was about 2 hrs from me. But we kept in touch and one weekend I took the train to see him. He met me at the station, he was wearing a baseball cap. I joked about wanting to know what he looked like without a hat on. He wouldn't take it off, so I whipped it off. He blushed bright red. I quickly put it back on again. He was going bald with the exception of some long wispy hairs. He was only 23. Bless him. He should've embraced it and shaved it all off. Proper put me off though we didn't date for long!

These are all the same grubby little weirdo:

1: Wiped his fingers on my mums sofa after eating(!)
2: Had creepy little fingers that bulged at the ends - like a frog, and his nails were bitten down to gnarly stubs.
3: Used literally half a can of hairspray before going out, and got really weirdly aggressive when I suggested he'd maybe put enough on
4: LICKED his hands and flattened his hair down with the spit (again got angry/defensive when I raised an eyebrow).
5: Bought heel insert things on eBay to make himself taller.
6: Licked and sucked his lips, whilst giving me creepy eye contact during sex. For the majority of our relationship I closed my eyes during sex and pretended he was a guy from my course - dreamy Toby
7: Stockpiled tinned fruit - his cupboards looked like he was prepping for the apocalypse.

Just an all-round WTF-am-I-doing-letting-this-pleb-touch-me kinda experience.

Great thread.

Here are mine, all different men (don't judge)

1. wore a lemon yellow jumper tied around his shoulders.

2. insisted on repeatedly sticking his tongue in my ear - not licking, or nibbling, actually poking it in my ear hole and swirling it around

3. bit me on the vagina. Unfortunately I think he took the term 'eat her out' literally. I had to stop and ask him why he thought a woman might like that. But that was also the bloke who I got so drunk with that I weed the bed, so no doubt he tells that story too .....

He came from Sunderland You don't need to say anymore.

Hausfrau 29. Typo error lol. Should have read his head looked too small for his body lol.

Small, fat feet. UGH. It was over the second I saw them.

Met a man who called himself the 'sperminator' he was 5 ft 3 and was incredulous when I declined his offer of a date.

Number 1 - so huge, so very huge. It was an issue but his constant pressuring me to have anal sex was the clincher. I quite enjoy anal from time to time but, fuck me, I'd have ended up with an arsehole like the Chunnel.

Number 2 - a ons. Slapped my face during sex and was surprised when I said if he did it again I'd bite his cock off. Said his last ex had enjoyed it. Righto.

Number 3 - sad. Was responsible for his disabled dad and wouldn't ever turn his phone off. Every time we tried to have sex his phone would ring or beep and his erection would just vanish.

Number 4 - also sad (ish). Had lost 10 stone so although he didn't have a micropenis it was hidden under so much loose skin it might as well have not existed. He made up for it by being a massive dick in other ways. And was married as I later found out.

Number 5 - couldn't maintain an erection once the condom went on.

There have been plenty in between those and now I'm with dp who is lovely. All his little quirks are just lovely and not off putting at all. So I think I'll keep him

This thread should be turned into a book. It could be a Christmas special book to cheer everyone up after the drunken family fight. Wander off, leave them alone, read about all the funniest sex/dates/encounters ever.

All I can say is that I'm glad I have a strong bladder because I am very close to peeing myself with laughter.