Penetration man

[Cameron2012]

So I went out with a man many years ago who was very kind, interesting handsome, drove a lovely car and was very popular. But, I ended the relationship because he seemed to think whispering ' penetration' in my ear was sexy.
I also finished with a bloke because he had thick blond hair on his arms.
Now I know that means at the time I was very shallow, so ... What is the shallowest reason you have ever had to finish a relationship ?
😬

SoupSpork

I'd like to think you broke it off with him while his head was still stuck in the window, then casually drew the curtains and carried on as if he wasn't there!!

It's all coming back now Match.com guy who came back, couldn't get it hard enough to go in so went to sleep. The next morning woke up he had a wank,came on me then said I really needed that! Bye!

Sorry he didn't say bye! I said bye to him and blocked him!

The guy on the first date that set fire to the menu on the candle! Caused a big commotion! Was funny at the time but poor guy!

polkadotrocks

Mr Smokes sounds like my ex-boyfriend! But thankfully I smoked at the time and he was great at oral so I didn't mind at all!

As promissed, Part 2:

Beautiful but oh so boring man. Hung like a stallion (11 x 6) but only lasted 3 seconds and wasnt interested in doing anything else.

Another who when he undressed appeared to have a marrow for a penis. It was huge! I didnt even attempt it. Such a shame as he a gorgeous Geordie. v clever and well travelled, funny, sexy,

First date with a man I went to school with. He spent the whole time telling me how shit people were and how life had treated him so unfairly and wanted to know why no woman wanted him, all the time glaring at me.

The handsome man who used to giggle behind his hand all the time - so off-putting.

and finally the man who presented me with a pot of yoghurt on our first date and asked me to smear it on him and lick it off. I scarpered.

Afishcalledchips

I think you just described my husband... The love of U2 gave it away - surely there can't be more than 1 person in the world who likes them?!

I had one who ironed his nylon pants and rotated the plates

Titsdown

If you want to relive your youth, I still have a Ford Capri! And I promise to never sell it!

The guy who used to ask me if I'd 'got there' and then used to fist pump and say 'yesssssss' if I indicated that I had. Like he'd just scored a try. No, he was not a winner.

The guy with a huuuggggeeee penis. It was like a marrow too. Must have been at least 10 inch and nearly as many around it.

He was younger than me. A student. I was 29. And very flattered and also very, very pissed.

Took him back to mine. It was NYE and dd was with her dad. Hadn't had any sex for 2 years. Was really looking forward to this nice young man satisfying my itch.

First of all the size was a bit of a problem. He suggested I go on top so he didn't hurt me. What a polite bloke he was. I tried. I really tried. But I just couldn't get it anywhere near in. So I was crouching over him with about an inch of cock in.

He patted my bum sadly and said it didn't matter. It was his fault and it had made him realise he needed to go back to the GP and ask about reduction surgery. He had assumed that an 'older' woman who had had dcs would be able to stretch a bit as he had only ever tried with much younger girls.

I sympathised a bit and asked him how old he was.

He was fucking 17! 17 ffs. I had assumed he was a 21 year old student. Not doing his fucking A Levels. I know I was pissed but I did know the lads he was out with and they were all 21/22.

When he asked if it was still ok for him to have a sleepover and try again in the.morning I said it.was probably best if he went home. His mam would be worried if he didn't come home.

Julie Is 'rotated the plates' a euphemism for some unusual sexual fetish?

The more I think about 'Briefcase Man' the more weird I think it is. It could be quite scary really.

Froubylou - finding out he was an alevel student!!! Hes got some balls though...nonbof the 17 year old guys i had as a mate at the time when i was that age would have dared tried. Although 'older woman' at 29??!!

outnumbrd I did this on a first date... Set fire to the napkin on a candle. Didn't get me dumped though. I dumped him because I didn't like his best friend...

When I was 8 months pregnant I sent my partner out to get some last minute things for the nursery. He came back hours later with a baby monkey. Seriously.
We were living in Thailand and apparently at the market the monkey really appealed to him. It didn't last much longer after that.

I know shite. He looked about 22 as well. And was very confident so assumed he was a uni student. And he was a big lad physically too. At least 6ft and well filled out. Not gawky or teenager ish at all.

I abstained from ONS after that. Didn't fancy someones mum coming and bashing me for seducing their pfb.

I do wonder if he got it reduced though. Or finished his a levels and found a job in the porn industry. 😂

froubylou Is this him?

I really expected briefcase story to end with him wanking into it.

These are hilarious! I was reading these out to my DH last night. My fave was the chuckle brothers one!!

Anyway years ago I met this guy online, we had a few dates & it was going really well so for the next date I invited him around to mine & when he turned up approx 30 mins late, he just popped his head around the door & said he had an accident, shocked i asked what damage there was to his car, & he said he had not had a car accident but had pissed himself.

He wanted me to tumble dry his jeans but they stank of piss & i didn't want to wash them as I wold have been stuck with him for hours. After that I didn't contact him again. Lovely bloke too, but why a 28 year old man couldn't stop to piss in a bush is beyond me!

Lol londonmum
That reminds me of a line from a book I read.
' I asked him to get me 20 Benson and Hedges, if they didn't have those get me anything, so he came back with a pork pie'

Tempting, hausfrau... however current and for always DP has a 1970s Peugeot which just has a little more je ne sais quoi*

*As in "Je na sais if it'll ever go anywhere under its own steam again"

Julie Is 'rotated the plates' a euphemism for some unusual sexual fetish

Sounds like a phrase from the 'manosphere'

Cameron - that's from The Man Who Made Husbands Jealous I think 😄

Ugh the pint of milk in a pub man! Turns my stomach.

The last two online dates I had were both with men who had broken their leg. That's my luck.

I had arranged to meet one for coffee then he texted half an hour before to say, sorry could we meet outside the coffee shop as he wouldn't be able to carry the coffee.

The date ended up with me sitting in the passenger seat of his car (automatic.) It was boiling hot and he was sweating. He showed me his scar and said he couldn't have sex but he was looking for someone to go on top .

He contacted me later to ask if I wanted to see him again. I said, let me know when you can walk. He replied, lol and I never heard from him or saw him on the dating website again.

I once went out with a bloke who had to neatly fold his pants and socks before sex. If I tried to get him into bed before he'd finished his pant folding ritual he'd just look at me like and go 'can you not control yourself woman?'

Then there was willy flannel guy. After sex he'd immediately jump up and go and have a wash, he had a specific penis flannel and offered to let me use his spare. He brought it to my house once, I found it drying on the living room radiator next morning.

Lastly there was the guy who'd moan while going down on me and tell me in what I assume he thought was a sexy voice, that I 'tasted so fucking beautiful'. He'd touch me and stick my fingers in my mouth so I could 'taste my beauty'. Oh it was awful. He could only shag once per 24 hours as well and was horrified I suggested we go again. Then he'd get up and put his pants and tshirt on and lay around like that. He looked like Donald Duck.