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Original poster

Penetration man

1000 replies

Cameron2012 · 21/08/2016 20:44

So I went out with a man many years ago who was very kind, interesting handsome, drove a lovely car and was very popular. But, I ended the relationship because he seemed to think whispering ' penetration' in my ear was sexy.
I also finished with a bloke because he had thick blond hair on his arms.
Now I know that means at the time I was very shallow, so ... What is the shallowest reason you have ever had to finish a relationship ?
😬

OP posts:
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7
LancashireTea · 22/08/2016 22:00

Might be outing myself here, but there was the guy I dated who has since become known as 'Throat Guy.'

Met him online, he seemed normal. We went on a few dates before I decided to stay over at his. He had a lovely penis, he has reasonable technique. However, he wanted to look down my throat the entire time and could only cum once he had told me how he loved looking down my throat, shoved his finger in my mouth to hold my tongie down to get a better look, said he wished he could shrink and then I could eat him up.

I had sex with him anthoer time after that.thinking that it was a one off. It wasnt. He did that both times. I stopped texting him asap.

FastWindow · 22/08/2016 22:03

queen no, wrong country entirely. I can't say which it is, as apparently the habit hasn't gone away!!

FrozenPeach · 22/08/2016 22:07

The guy who copied my noises during sex.. like every noise I made.. tested my theory my doing 3 moans in a row and off he followed, even doing the high notes Grin found it especially strange during foreplay when I wasn't even touching him and he'd still copy me!

Another guy that phoned me before our date and asked me if we could chill at my place instead - sure not a problem. He then asked me to run him a bath as he had tried farting on the bus and shit himself instead!

The hot guy that asked me if I would like to go to his flat to help him clean up on our first meeting
That'll be a no, I don't even wanna tidy my own place!

Ghodavies · 22/08/2016 22:11

Pink blanky fluff- peuk!!
But the post is amazing!!

Teaandcakeat8 · 22/08/2016 22:12

I was dating a guy for a while, he came over for the first time and when I got him naked he had the tiniest penis I have ever seen. It was literally the size of my little finger.

I was totally creeped out and in the end faked a phone call from my friend who was 'in trouble' and made him leave. The shame!

DianaMitford · 22/08/2016 22:16

Nothing compared to some of these but I once dumped a very lovely, loyal, intelligent, reasonably good looking chap because of how he kissed. As he leant in for the kiss he would widen his eyes and purse up his lips as he moved his head towards me. It was exactly how a small child might kiss you on the cheek. And he used to kind of smack his lips together twice before he started any sentence making a ghastly mouth noise Shock AND he would ask the same question four different ways, e.g.

Are we turning right here?

Yes

Right?

Yes.

Here?

Yes.

So it's this turning here?

OH MY FUCKING GOD YES!!!!!

Also - another guy who had a cone cock - but it started narrow and got progressively wider. It was truly unappealing.

Vixxfacee · 22/08/2016 22:16

Micro Penis' must be quite common. Seems alot of us have unfortunately come into contact with it

DianaMitford · 22/08/2016 22:16

Nothing compared to some of these but I once dumped a very lovely, loyal, intelligent, reasonably good looking chap because of how he kissed. As he leant in for the kiss he would widen his eyes and purse up his lips as he moved his head towards me. It was exactly how a small child might kiss you on the cheek. And he used to kind of smack his lips together twice before he started any sentence making a ghastly mouth noise Shock AND he would ask the same question four different ways, e.g.

Are we turning right here?

Yes

Right?

Yes.

Here?

Yes.

So it's this turning here?

OH MY FUCKING GOD YES!!!!!

Also - another guy who had a cone cock - but it started narrow and got progressively wider. It was truly unappealing.

DaDman66 · 22/08/2016 22:19

I always like to whisper penetration into a women's ear..it gets them going.

I once showed someone the door for finishing off a Sara Lee in the fridge. Didn't even ask and she'd been in my house for ten minutes.

Sara Lee is better than sex.

Bitch

grumpysquash3 · 22/08/2016 22:22

I think about half a percent of men have micro penises (1 in 200) which is quite a lot really.
(also we aren't talking about the ones that haven't, unless they've got a wang, a pencil, a cone, a floppy ice cream cone, smelly bits or terrible habits)
Which is why this thread has made my week. Year probably.

LuluJakey1 · 22/08/2016 22:27

A friend once set me up on a date with a Welshman, a lawyer and Labour Party member who she had known for years and said was 'Exactly right' for me. I would 'love him. He is really funny and nice and attractive'.
He was small and skinny - I like tall and well built men, slightly over weight. He turned up on a bike in cycling lycra that left NOTHING to the imagination and there evidently wasn't much. He had a wet patch on his arse (boak) . I had bought a drink for myself. He got himself one, didn't ask if I wanted one. He sat down and did nothing but complain about his job and all the poor people he dealt with. He didn't sound at all like a nice person. Then he talked about his ex, then about bikes. I was bored silly. I never laughed once. When he left, after making his one drink last two hours, he asked if I wanted to meet again and I said not. He went off on his bike, leaving a large wet patch on the vinyl seat in the pub. There was absolutely nothing about him I liked.

LuluJakey1 · 22/08/2016 22:35

There was another one who was older than me and asked me to his place. He cooked me dinner, then got a 1960s Cluedo game out, and eventually showed me to a bedroom with a single bed in it that had a white candlewick bedspread. I realised, with some relief, he wasn't expecting sex. When I was in bed, he came in and tucked me in, kissed my forehead and said goodnight and to sleep well. It was very weird. I did not sleep a wink.
The next morning I was up and dressed by 5.30am, crept out and left him a note. I walked the 3 miles home as I had no money me. I felt like I had escaped something, dodged a bullet.

grumpysquash3 · 22/08/2016 22:37

With the shoe on the other foot.....

I've got a male friend who used to drink a lot and in his early 20's lived in a flat share near Shepherd's Bush, West London. There were some really ropey pubs around there in the 90s but he was fine with that. One night he went out, bit of music on, and ended up dancing with a woman old enough to be his mum, by a good margin.

She said something, but the music was loud. He leant in to listen better. She was whispering "cock.....cock...." and licking his ear lobe.

He didn't stay.

singleandfabulous · 22/08/2016 22:45

This thread is gold. Ive been snorting and smirking all day.

I have so many tales to tell that Ive forgotten them through the mists of time but here are a few.

The man with a strange penis which, when errect, pointed down and curved under towards his balls. Everything was difficult ... and painful.

Two micro penises attached to men who otherwise looked like strapping Greek gods. One asked me to give him a bj so I had to hold it between my thumb and index finger Blush

Another who kissed like a goldfish - eyes wide open, mouth gaping.

One who was 40 going on 60 who used to say things like "byzee bye" and "okey chokey" and "toodle pip." Just no.

Another who used to cry at the end of every date.

1st date with a very sweaty man who spent all night staring at my tits instead of my face.

A guy who asked me for petrol money at the end of a date (he drove but wtf!)

God, I have loads. I'll do part 2 later.

grumpysquash3 · 22/08/2016 22:57

single
Please continue :)

Energumene · 22/08/2016 22:57
  1. Gonzo dick. He didn't have other skills to offer.
  2. Actually, also gonzo dick man. Tried to talk to him about a plan for later in the evening. He was turning his head from side to side and muttering. So I spoke up again, only to be told he couldn't talk to me right then because he needed to finish the conversation with the voices in his head first. I'd been counting on our date being one to one, so...
  3. Mr Showman, as he became known. Treated our ONS as an audition for a porn flick, switching positions regularly to demonstrate his range. He seemed surprised not to get a round of applause, but he was actually so bloody distracting I'd faked it just to make it stop. He pulled the same stunt on a mate a few weeks later, who didn't fake quickly enough and got the slapped arse during doggy style I, er, missed out on.
  4. The ridiculously nice guy. Dumped because I couldn't handle someone who basically saw the whole world as rainbows and unicorns farts.
amanaplanacanalpanama · 22/08/2016 23:12

I now have the Record Breakers tune in my head. 'Penetration, penetration, penetraaation, that's what you need. If you wanna be the best and if you wanna beat the rest ooh-ooh penetration's what you need' Grin

I dated, and dumped, the bogey man. He literally had a bogey every time I saw him and I'm afraid I couldn't see past it.

Bloopbleep · 22/08/2016 23:17

Oh I just remembered about a fuck buddy's who insisted on always going down on me but he had tongue tie and couldn't stick his tongue out past his teeth. I'd feel a slight breeze down there but rarely any actual tongue action. If he hadn't been so good with a huge willy he'd have been binned much sooner but I used to find excuses for him not to go down there. He also would ask how his performance was rated...

RubbishMantra · 22/08/2016 23:34

God, this thread has lifted the spirits!

Rose puff guy

Pulled his foreskin with a squelching noise, then stuck his thumb in your mouth bloke Envy

JedRambosteen · 22/08/2016 23:35

My SIL dumped a guy because he held his cutlery like a toddler & chewed with his mouth open. I was also relieved because he was a freaky eater (lots of rules, things not touching on plates) & catering for their weekend visits was a nightmare.

I dumped a guy because his designer was too, well, stubbly and he was a very forceful snogger. I got fed up of stubble rash after 2 dates- shredded face. Shame, because he was really into me and I suspect we were otherwise quite compatible physically.

LuluJakey1 · 22/08/2016 23:35

I have lived a sheltered life. What is a Gonzo Dick?

JedRambosteen · 22/08/2016 23:37

I also turned down a guy who asked me out when I was 15 because of his name (Gideon).

LazyDoll · 22/08/2016 23:38

Am giggling away to all of these.
I too have encountered Mr Micro Penis.
Have also had to dump a guy in the past because his fingers were just unusually short and stubby and just ewww Hmm
Not Penetration Man but kind of close...a guy who used to mutter 'dirty talk' during sex but it would just make me have to stifle giggles (at him not with him!). Had to go!

Gileswithachainsaw · 22/08/2016 23:38

I have lived a sheltered life. What is a Gonzo Dick?

This has to be the strangest question I have ever seen Grin

LazyDoll · 22/08/2016 23:40

^^ 😂
Yup no clue

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