Penetration man

[Cameron2012]

So I went out with a man many years ago who was very kind, interesting handsome, drove a lovely car and was very popular. But, I ended the relationship because he seemed to think whispering ' penetration' in my ear was sexy.
I also finished with a bloke because he had thick blond hair on his arms.
Now I know that means at the time I was very shallow, so ... What is the shallowest reason you have ever had to finish a relationship ?
😬

The thumb thing has just made me retch a tiny bit

Thought of a couple more...

The guy who wanted me to wear 'American Tan' tights, no knickers, in bed- and produced a pair of scissors saying he would cut an entry hole while they were in situ...

The one who magnanimously told me (on our second date) he would consider a ltr with me if I gave up smoking; even more magnanimously kissed me at the end of the date and transferred a piece of spinach to my mouth from his teeth...

...and the one who used to say 'owss cweam' instead of 'ice cream'; used to get random erections (quite often in the frozen food aisle and think it was fine to press it up against me while groping my bum; and thought he was a Disco God and would writhe and wriggle and do a pointy finger thing on the dance floor.

That one took me 13 years to finally lose my patience and dump him

The really veiny angry cock and made me feel slightly sick. I bet it was shiny. (

I was at a guys house and he wanted us to communicate as if we were writing statuses on fb.
So we were sitting there drinking and he would lift his fingers as if he was typing and would say "Michael thinks Vixx is really hot". I would try to respond but he wanted me to use the hand actions and said my name first. I wouldn't and give him his due he tried about 6 more times saying suggestive things

I think I might stay single

the thumb guy why why why

I went out with a guy that decided to put my knickers on that I had left out ready to put on after my shower

I spent a while looking for them, looked in my overnight bag, under the bed, under the pillows he sat there smirking and said why don't you look under the covers. It was horrible he obviously was enjoying wearing them in the bin they went

It's just not my thing he should have warned me

I was in a bar this guy kept pestering me I was doing me best to ignore him. Standing near me taking very loud he made a phone call to his junior at work (he announced this to whoever was listening) and told him to drive his Ferrari home as he has had too much to drink and he would bike the keys over. Wtf did he think I would suddenly find him attractive. still my friend and I found it highly amusing

My first boyfriend, who I nearly married:

• talked about 'making a mess'
• had this massive madonna/whore thing and worshipped me, which even at 19 I knew was a bit off
• said he loved me after about 5 minutes
• called his penis 'Axel'
• boiled pasta in the kettle in his student room
• kept notes of our sexual relations (lots of details)
• was sex obsessed
• was a colossal flirt and didn't mind doing it in front of me as I should have known he adored me

The worst part of ditching him was that I didn't get to see his (genuinely lovely) family any more

My other boyfriend:

• Italian depressive who couldn't get it up and was ferociously critical of most things I did. He did not last long!!

DH is a prince compared to that shower

The guy who fell over on consecutive dates. The second time he fell, he just lay there looking at something on the ground as if he'd done it deliberately. He hadn't, he just kept wearing stupid slippy shoes and walking on mud.

This is fking funny

The thumb guy....boak boak boak

The sex magician pmsl

Images of frank butcher....

I have been laughing all day.

My first proper boyfriend, lent in for a kiss after eating some type of strawberry pudding thing and that was all i could taste and he kept sticking his tongue right in and he was like a vacuum and i couldnt pull away....thought i was going to puke in his mouth. Also when he pecked me on the cheek to say good bye, his mum walked past and said "put that girl down you dont know where shes been" (we were only 15 at the time i think)

The gorgeous semi impotent guy I was with for two years !! - who thought sex was dirty because of his catholic upbringing and was only doing it for me (when we did) - yep that was a turn on He actually said he understood why men went to prostitutes as, how can you ask for a blow job from the mouth you respect, love and kiss?

The 20 years older than me man who would tell me in a deep Yorkshire accent that he was 'randy as a ram' and 'getting wet'. He was a complete caveman and massively, scarily over endowed. Seemed to think this made up for there never being ANY foreplay. It didn't. Use to shout during sex , 'you're not leaving this room until you have an orgasm' I might have had to fake a few times I had to leave it two or three weeks before seeing him each time as I literally couldn't walk after each session. I had a thing about older men for a while but seeing him killed me of that. Mind you I have been out with younger men and none have had his prowess!

Recently was in touch with a woman who had a fling with him in recent years..he's still going at it (now in his 60s) just as rampantly and cracked her ribs the first time they had sex! She had to end it for her own safety . The first time he turned up at her house, he had a big van full of his vinyl collection , she asked why and he said his girlfriend had chucked him out a few weeks before and could he store it there! She still has it in her garage a few years later and is getting mightily pissed off! He's now married to a sex therapist who has had 6 face lifts and looks very odd. She can't work because of her face lifts going wrong and she gets embarrassed by her wonky frozen expression . ''but apparently their sex life is amazing'' (I know all this because he's also an old friend of DP's - who finds it hilarious I once 'dated' him - I was friends with DP at the time and he used to tease me about it)
Mr Randy Ram also gave me a memorable first date. He took me to the grave of one of Jack the Ripper's victims (although admittedly that was quite interesting) Told me he had no money ( I was 23 then, he was 43) so could we have a Burger King. That night I got severe food poisoning. In the middle of the night I got up to puke and the lightbulb fell off in the bathroom. I had bare feet with broken glass in them and was puking. At 4am he was digging glass out of my feet with my legs in the air.
Yet one of the most annoying things about him was that he called herbal teas , herby tea! As in.. ''do you want another herby tea?'' That made irrationally wound up considering all his other attributes

Three years ago there was one who did the 'thumb thing' ( I still feel sick thinking about it) and also said 'Wowsers' to just about everything. I couldn't stay with a man who said that. He said that on the train home after he'd been to stay the first time with me, he remembered how he'd managed to make me come, and he did a congratulatory air /fist pump. To himself. On the train.
We lasted three weeks.

I met a guy..I'd known him for years..we started dating. He was soo smooth. When things got a little heavy, sexually, and I wanted to take things further, he always said no because my eldest son & mates were in the house (fair enough). This went on for months. As well as msgs, through Facebook, sms, about how sexy I was, blah blah...he used to always call, write poems, tell me he couldn't wait to make love to me. Oooh, the anticipation.

Anyways, one day, my son said he was staying at his mates (yippee).

Bought candles, the whole hog. He'd gone out to buy condoms..the scene was set.

I unzipped his trousers and, I kid you not, there was a micro-penis, wet and slimy.

What annoyed me, though, was this full on pretence, how he was going to make back-breaking love to me, how he was my "italian stallion" ...the way he got out of the rather cringey situation was to say that sex was not as important to him and finding an "everlasting connection" was. Bullshit!! I had to dump him due to false fucking advertising'

What a lack of prick!!

"I'm going to discharge" = I'm going to cum bleeuugghh

I just dumped someone when I found out he gave £50 a month to a 'save the squirrels' charity.

But he wouldn't even buy me a McDonald's!

Ive had my fair share of weirdos, but my favourite was "Jeff", who started saying encouraging things to himself during sex like, "Come on Jeff, you can do it, yes, harder, that's it Jeff!" Then when he came, he counted down like a rocket launch and shouted "We have LIFTOFF!" at the point of ejaculation. It was the single most cringeworthy moment of my adult life. Obviously the shag was a one-off, but hopefully he made some adjustments to his repertoire with his next partner

The guy who proudly told me he was a functioning alcoholic on our first date.

Brilliant, brilliant thread!
I'm a slag from way back but two particularly bad shags come to mind.

The dreadlocked French-Canadian with the tapering penis with an oddly spherical small bell end. The penis shape I could deal with but I wasn't impressed when he forcibly came on my face & hair and when I expressed my displeasure at the turn of events he laughed and told me that I wasn't in my home country anymore, and then disappeared off to the shower. I took the opportunity to empty his wallet and scarper, spending the cash on a cab out of there and a massive breakfast at my favourite diner (I was skint).

Another time I had an inebriated one night stand with a dj who actually wanted to see me again. So we met up, he wanted to cook me dinner. Fine with me, I had no real recollection of the one night stand apart from it being messy & fun so was up for getting to know him a bit more. So proceeded the dullest, most pedestrian evening ever. A dull dinner, watched a dull film, pretty dull conversation, followed by incredibly dull sex. It was like we'd fast forwarded to an average mid week night of a below average relationship 10 years into the future. Once he'd come he got up and asked me if I wanted a cup of tea. While he made cup of tea I lay there thinking wtf is this? When he came back I insisted that he give me oral sex until I came. Once I came I got up, got dressed and left and didn't respond to any of his messages.

Guy 1) He had flabby hands. It was like holding hands with a ski glove

Guy 2) Didn't understand what abysmal meant. Also on our first date he drank from the soup bowl and stuffed an entire sausage in his mouth, sidewards (which is impressive)

Guy 3) Missed his last bus and asked if he could sleep over. I pointed to the sofa and left him to it. He knocked on my bedroom door and asked if he could sleep in my bed. Fully clothed was fine. Until he poked me in the back and made it obvious that there was a third member in the room. I told him to piss off and he replied with "Is the cheeky worm being too cheeky?"
Guy 4) He used to do cow eyes whenever he felt he was being wronged (all the time, oddly) and accused me of flirting with his brother when all I'd said was "cheers for the lift". When I dumped him he wailed "I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" to which I replied "Which one of us is the girl in this relationship, coz I'm not fucking sure it's ME"

I broke it off with a guy who I was newly dating who wrote 'hunni' in his texts. 'Hun' makes my teeth itch as it is, but 'hunni' really did grip my shit.

Also, Guy 5) pulled the local DJ and we had drunken sex. Nothing special. Next morning we start doing it again and he proceeds to just wipe his cock out through his boxers and I felt...................nothing. At all. We carried on for about 5 mins before I told him I was thirsty and would he like a nice cup of tea?

I sometimes wonder if I missed out by not playing the field more. On reflection, I'm ok with it.

This thread has been funny. Feel sorry for the freakish or small penised though.

Old-lady induced migraine man made me actually lol. I nearly woke the baby.

I dated a nice enough, harmless man once who had a really thick northern accent. 'Eee lass' and all that. 'Eck ee thump, tha' s a grand one' ad nauseam.
I really couldn't hold a conversation with him, as he was mostly unintelligible. I'm truly southern. But this wasnt the reason for the dumping, it was this:

He was born bred and raised in the very heartland of the leafiest bit of Surrey. But Every Single Word that came out of his mouth was in this put on mangled Yorkshire accent.

I just couldn't take him seriously (when i did manage to decipher what he was saying, which wasn't often!)

There was also a very brief fling at the age of 18 with a college mate (who is now quite high up in politics) who was great fun, great fun! Always had a laugh.

But his snack of choice was raw garlic...no no no no no nope^1000

Oh bin50 I think we dated the same man!

Fast, was it Jeremy Corbyn??