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Original poster

Penetration man

1000 replies

Cameron2012 · 21/08/2016 20:44

So I went out with a man many years ago who was very kind, interesting handsome, drove a lovely car and was very popular. But, I ended the relationship because he seemed to think whispering ' penetration' in my ear was sexy.
I also finished with a bloke because he had thick blond hair on his arms.
Now I know that means at the time I was very shallow, so ... What is the shallowest reason you have ever had to finish a relationship ?
😬

OP posts:
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7
PinkPearls20 · 22/08/2016 14:27

Have some men got that small a dick that they can't actually have sex?

That must be awful for them.

Captainkanga · 22/08/2016 14:41

I once went out with a guy who, in the exact same voice as the advert, whispered "aaaaah...bisto" in my ear when he came.

Wtf was that about?!

HairsprayQueen · 22/08/2016 14:47

I will always thing of bagels as carby cock rings when I see them now rubbish!

My bad one lived with his nan which was ok but she still bought his pants for him (he was about 22) and he used these horrible grey tinged fabric hankies.

We went to the pub and had a game of pool and every time I went to take a shot he slid his cue in between my legs.

If he'd done it once I could fake smile and say 'oi, don't' and think 'idiot' to myself but every single fucking time it was my go was just ridiculous.

HairsprayQueen · 22/08/2016 14:49

Actually rereading my post above, the weirdest thing was how did I know his nan bought his pants, I didn't date him that long!

Titsdown · 22/08/2016 15:10

Dumped one guy for replacing his Ford Capri with a Rover Metro.

Declined a second date with a man who spent the entire first date describing in unnecessarily lurid and intimate detail the manner in which his ex used to bite him.

Dumped a third guy who told me he loved me but wanted me to get counseling for my alcohol problem. We'd been on 2 dates, I'd had 2 glasses of wine at each.

Titsdown · 22/08/2016 15:12

Oh and the guy who when he took me 'out to dinner' took me to Nandos.

I didn't even dump him for that, but because I hated his Mum's tiny dogs.

90daychallenger · 22/08/2016 15:32

I went back to a guy's house once and went to his toilet. It was the most filthy place I've ever been. The whole room just stunk of piss. The towel draped over the bath hummed of damp and BO. I don't think it'd been washed in months. The carpet, yes carpet, was threadbare and worn shiny thin so it felt a bit wet.The sink has crusty old toothpaste spit all over it. The shelf above the sink was dark brown with grime. There were pubes all over the shelf. The toilet was like another world. The bowl was thick almost black limescale all over it. And there was a shit floating in the bottom.
I left immediately. I couldn't stand the thought of him touching me. He was actually quite clean in himself though.

On a date with a guy in a crowded restaurant and he texted me from the other side of the table and asked me to remove my pants, he'd get under the table and look and, in his words, 'perhaps give it a little lick'. Grim.

90daychallenger · 22/08/2016 15:55

I went out with a guy who was so cringey for so many reasons.

He fancied himself as a bit of a mini-Alan Sugar (we were 18 at the time). He'd constantly be having hair-brain business ideas, would set up a website, tell all his friends and family about it then it'd just fizzle out. At family things he'd sidle up to grown men and say things like 'Hi Andy, how's business?' or 'Hi Trevor, how's the taxi business treating you?'. These weren't 'businessmen', just blokes with normal jobs. I stalk him on FB a bit and he's still doing hair brain business stuff.

His cringey networking was such a fucking turn off.

And he had smelly feet.

And he used to pull his foreskin over his bellend with his thumb and then give me his thumb to lick Confused

We lasted about six months.

BeMorePanda · 22/08/2016 16:01

I was already off men and this thread really isn't helping :)

Genvonklinkerhoffen · 22/08/2016 16:03

And he used to pull his foreskin over his bellend with his thumb and then give me his thumb to lick

I can't even...

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 22/08/2016 16:24

I was quite looking forward to a date with a young man I met at work (I was about 16) he had nice dark, collar length hair. On the day of our date he turned up with short back and sides, yes, his mum told him to get his hair cut. I was mortified and didn't fancy him anymore. Our date didn't go well. Later a workmate told me that she didn't think that he'd ever marry as he was under his mother's thumb.
Mr B turned up with a row of different coloured pens in his top pocket. I imagined being colour-coded in his diary or given points out of 10.

When I was younger I hadn't learnt the art of 'diplomatic dumping' so was often in a quandary of how to end it. Remember those old buses which had an open bit at the back with a pole? I'd wait until it was about to leave then jump on with a hurried cheerio and leave them with gaping open mouth. Yes, I am deeply ashamed of myself. But I was young.

90daychallenger · 22/08/2016 16:29

Genvon

*And he used to pull his foreskin over his bellend with his thumb and then give me his thumb to lick

I can't even...*

Yep, and it used to make a horrible kind of 'squelch' noise when he pulled it.

squizita · 22/08/2016 16:41

One who was creepy/leery when turned on (older than me but creepy to the point strangers sometimes stared and made comments to the effect it looked Yewtree). But at the same time cringy coy and twee eg Fanjo was a "fairy garden", farts were "rose puffs".
Actually turned out he WAS lying about his age - I thought he was 5 years older he was 10+ (I was 19 so it was a big deal). Would also buy me presents he couldnt affOrd then revel in the martyr with a mercenary woman act. Became a bit emotionally abusing come to think of it.

On an early date a girl I knew to be 15 came in the pub cut herself with a glass as he'd "dumped her for me". Thought her odd at the time but looking back ...

HerRoyalFattyness · 22/08/2016 16:47

This thread is brilliant. Grin

GodImbored · 22/08/2016 16:49

The thumb lick thing...I literally feel sick.

SharonBottsPoundOfGrapes · 22/08/2016 16:52

I have more.

There was the guy who let his dog watch us shagging. Tbf the dog looked bored as fuck as if it'd seen it all before. Poor dog. :(

There was sweet but timid guy who used to drink in my pub. He was gorgeous but very shy. He was in love with me and would send me flowers once a month. I had just finished my shift and his friend asked me if I would take him a drink over and say happy birthday. I ended up drinking with them. When it was home time he asked me for a kiss and I obliged. His friends cheered and he almost collapsed with embarrassment. We saw each other for a little while but he would never take the lead and was happy to be led around quietly. It did my head in.

There was hot and cold bloke. He asked me out first. Boring night with not even a peck on the cheek. Saw him out and about so confronted him. He apologised we had a good night and arranged to go out again. He stood me up. See him again a month later and he blanks me until he's pissed. I'm pissed we go back to his (another man child shushing me so his mum doesn't hear) I thought fuck this and walked out. He was very confused. Hmm The next night I saw him he told me he loved me. I kind of had a meltdown and dumped him due to his shitty treatment of me. My now Dh saw the whole thing and swooped in. In fact the guy I just dumped is still friends with his brother. Dh had no shame. :o I saw hot and cold guy about 18 months later. I was married and had ds. He said that could've been us. I just shook my head and said it wouldn't ever have been us.

Gileswithachainsaw · 22/08/2016 16:56

I slept with a guy once who seemed to think I needed audio description of what was happening.

I think I knew. Thank fuck it was a one night stand sod having to listen to that every time

ClopySow · 22/08/2016 17:45

The guy with the terrible sex face. He'd make an "ooo" shape with his mouth every time i looked at him. And tell me i was "DEEEEELISSSHHHHUSSSSSSSSSSSSS"

The straw that broke the camels back was when he set his chin on my shoulder and watched adoringly as i put on my mascara.

The guy who thought the reason i didn't want to be constantly mauled by him was because i "must have been raped at some point" He also had the cock that smelled like feet.

The guy whose pet name for me was puppy.
The same guy who lived with his parents at 38 and told me he had a futon. For futon see cushions off a couch on the floor.

The guy who i got to see for one night every 6 weeks who went to watch the football with his mates because it was "a really big game"

The guy who told me every day "i had a good cry earlier". I have no problem with men crying, but every day is a bit much.

The guy with the really nasal voice. I really liked him but his voice just put me off. And he made his lips tiny when he kissed.

SheWhoDaresGins2 · 22/08/2016 18:20

Cloppy

DEEEEELISSSHHHHUSSSSSSSSSSSSS made me think of candy crush for some reason Grin

This thread just gets funnier and funnier every time I catch up.

Funko · 22/08/2016 18:25

I wish I was more of a slut to have more stories 😂

^Disclaimer: this is lighthearted and I am I now way accusing anyone of being a slut not do I wish to get into a debate about the use of the word cos is a joke...^

Did I cover myself enough there 😄

Pollyanna9 · 22/08/2016 18:25

Carby cock ring - oh stop it!!!

Funko · 22/08/2016 18:26

I am in no way...
Do not wish ...

Fucking phone!!

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 22/08/2016 18:30

I had one who had a very strong Cockernee accent. He refused to call me by my name - he would call me 'Aaaaaaaaaannnnngeeeel' and 'Priiiincessss' constantly. The visions of Frank Butcher meant I had to end it.

Gileswithachainsaw · 22/08/2016 18:30

Oh I should have said the creepy middle aged man who thought he could get me drunk and sleep with me. So after buying me a shed load of drinks he promptly followed me back to my room and stripped off. Had to spend the night sleeping as close to the wall as possible trying to not touch him...
Ew

MsKite · 22/08/2016 18:31

The thumb thing Shock ShockShock

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