Penetration man

[Cameron2012]

So I went out with a man many years ago who was very kind, interesting handsome, drove a lovely car and was very popular. But, I ended the relationship because he seemed to think whispering ' penetration' in my ear was sexy.
I also finished with a bloke because he had thick blond hair on his arms.
Now I know that means at the time I was very shallow, so ... What is the shallowest reason you have ever had to finish a relationship ?
😬

If MrGin hadn't been so damn sexy, funny and great in the sack his chat up line of...

"Do you like cheese?"

Me... "Yes"

"Well you'll love these" whilst gabbing his crotch, may have ended things before it started. Luckily he improved as the night went on and 21 years later he has never said anything as ridiculous since. He was lucky.

I dated someone who was absolutely obsessed with wanting me to dress up as a cat. Fuck knows what that was about but I had to finish with him as kept receiving texts saying 'so..when am I gonna get to see you dressed up like a li'l kitty?'. It was more the use of li'l and that tongue hanging out emoticon he always ended the text with that put me off than the cat request.

My friend thought it was hilarious and I should do it then ask him to dress up as an animal for me - the best ones we came up with were Shire horse, centipede and hammerhead shark!

He also had such a horrible cock. Really veiny and I can only describe it as angry - looking. He clearly thought it was a work of art judging by the amount of pictures he took of it.

Mid blow job, he farted a really horid smelly fart in my face. I obviously recoiled in horror and he just looked me square in the eyes, as though nothing had happened and said: dont stop. Bleeehhhh!!

I once dated when i was 17 who just...wouldnt kiss back. I would go in for a kiss and he just didnt do anything...weird. i also tried to get things going as it were and he just did nothing. I dont think he had done much with a girl so maybe he was just in shock??

Comejoin, was it George Galloway?

I had one date with a guy when I was 17. He licked my teeth when we kissed and said "Ha ha, I am the dentist." He tried to feed me a very brown banana from the fridge.

I made my excuses and left, as soon as possible.

Didn't know what Wi-Fi and IRC were. Literally went "ew, I'm not snogging you again" and waited for a nerdier prince.

You know after reading all these, I'm starting to think I've taken one for the team in sticking with my dp for so long .

This thread got me through a sleepless night. Was giggling under the covers.

Queen - no, it was Officer Dibble from Topcat

He ordered me a Strawberry daiquiri when I told him to surprise me.

The other one had this condition called itchy bottom. Well that's what he said it was called anyway. It meant that he used to leak faecal fluids out of his bum whenever he got excited. I didn't realise this the first time he came over...... just couldn't understand why my living room suddenly smelt a bit whiffy (we'd started off in there). He also had a small wily, and, I don't know how to describe this really - very stringy spit. The sex was so so boring. He was my worst ever boyfriend.

The one who had spent the night drinking who, mid thrust, farted and I received a warm splat of tar-like faeces on my calf! I shall call him Mr Guinness from this moment on.

The friend of a friend who I'd met briefly and given my number. Rang next day and left message on my home phone answering machine saying "hi it's me" and then proceeded to tell me all about his plans for my body! Kept that up for about two weeks by which time I assumed he'd got the message as I never once answered. Found out later he was living with a colleague's daughter at the time.

Last but not least the one who used to say 'Fursday' in a cutesy voice because he thought I liked it also wanted to use kitchen utensils as sex toys.

And the one who liked to do it against the washing machine on its spin cycle as it would make it better for me.

Love this thread. Bringing all my wild days back to me

Mr Guiness
😂😂😂😂

Worked with a guy who would every so often ask if I wanted to go home with him after work and 'bounce up and down on his cock' He didn't seem to get the hint that I wasn't flattered or turned on by his suggestions, and this carried on for over a year til I left to go to uni. Bumped into him in a bar 15 years later and he hadn't changed but seemed to have it in his head that I'd left him for someone else - kept going on about 'we were perfect for each other' and how could I have 'left him for someone else' - ended up shouting at him over the music that 'we' were never together.

Enid you seem to attract expressive men

I was attracted to arty types. I learnt my lesson and married a scientist.

^that was to Darkside

Can't stop laughing at 'ha ha I am the dentist'

Just though of another.

Total mr tight arse.

We had been dating a while (4mths) and we were on holiday visiting his gran. We agreed with his gran that for staying for free we would cover the food and such for the week inc hers. Obvs I have young Toddler DC at the time and decided not to lug everything from home but purchase stuff there.

Do the shopping and mr tight arse proceeded to remove 3 jared toddler meals and one cheap bag of nappies out of the pile because I should pay for them not him. Never mind he had put in several non essential items of his own and expected me to pay half of it

Ditched him as soon as we got home.

I briefly dated a guy who would get random erections at in opportune times. We'd be walking down the high street and he'd suddenly say "oops, there I go again". I still don't know what brought them on. He also didn't last long in the act, and if he came round when my parents were in and he fancied DTD he'd say "come on, you know it won't take long." I finally ended it with him and he came round to talk things through. I was getting ready for a night out, straightening my hair. The way my mirror was I had to kneel to see in it properly. I explained that we just weren't working and he said "fair enough, but seeing as though you're on knees already, how about a quick bj before were properly over?" And wapped out his willy! I threatened to burn his willy with the straighteners if he didn't leave then.

Another guy I'd liked for a while at uni. Finally we had a snog in a club, but he wouldn't come home with me. Fine, swapped numbers, had a few more snogs in clubs exchanged texts. Then one night he text on his way home from town to say he was passing my house and had missed seeing me out, could he come in? I had the downstairs room, so knew wouldn't wake housemates. Let him in, things started heating up, I was thinking it was going to be great. No he was like a bloody Jack hammer with no thought for my pleasure, just pounding away at me. Then mid thrust he stopped and went to the toilet, came back and couldn't get it back up and it was just awkward. So I said he'd better go as I had a 9am lecture.

Knew a friend of his really well so did some digging. Turns out it was his first time and he'd thought he was going to come to soon, so went and wanked in my bathroom. I felt a bit sorry for him, until he text and said "now I know I can get you into bed can I have number?"

Faecal fluids man could've learned a thing or 2 off Mr. Tight Arse...

Perhaps he was part skunk?

I have a couple:

Like the one who asked me to hold his willy while he had a piss as he said it was a turn-on. Yuck.

Another who thought thrusting his cock against the middle of my back in the morning was a turn-on...for me! He wore tartan slippers (at the age of 30) and was also Mr Silent, and Mr 3 Second Special. I stuck with him for 18 years. WTF?

Reading this thread, it's amazing nunneries ever went on the decline...

Mittens, didn't it occur to him to think ahead and buy bagels? No balancing required, he could have worn it like a carby cock ring.

Mr Boring.

Met online. Nice, but so beige. He liked plain food, refused to ever try anything vaguely new or exciting (food wise). He was always really clean and tidy and wearing boring, ironed clothes. Sex was always the same. He liked to stay in of an evening. He liked U2

One ex had a tiny dick, like a button mushroom. He couldn't get it up unless I wore hold ups and a thong and used to say 'get your gear on' if he wanted sex, even in the middle of the night. He wouldn't go down on me unless I went and washed the area first, and he was awful at it anyway. And he only ever came when doing it from behind.

He had some serious issues. And the worst of it was he told me I was terrible in bed and I believed him. Reader, I married him. And then divorced him very quickly afterwards.