Penetration man

[Cameron2012]

So I went out with a man many years ago who was very kind, interesting handsome, drove a lovely car and was very popular. But, I ended the relationship because he seemed to think whispering ' penetration' in my ear was sexy.
I also finished with a bloke because he had thick blond hair on his arms.
Now I know that means at the time I was very shallow, so ... What is the shallowest reason you have ever had to finish a relationship ?
😬

So many
Utterly beautiful but kissed like a rabid Labrador.
Another one that wore vests and tucked them into his pants.
One that thought it was sexy to say that he was going to 'ravage' me. I nearly bit my own face off trying not to correct him. Surely it should have been ravish?
Beautiful man with glorious long hair and a teeny tiny penis. I was prepared to overlook the tiny appendage as he was so divine to look at. Then he cut his hair into a bob and looked like a lesbian librarian

First proper boyfriend finished with because whoever he said something he thought was amusing or that he thought I'd really like, he would kind of do this lobsided smile, dip his head down, look down and then slowly up whilst batting his eyelashes. Hard to explain, probably even harder to do and most definitely practiced in front of the mirror. I think he thought it was sexy or cute or something. It just made him look like a knob.

whenever

Rushes off to Google cock cages

Enid like Princess Diana?

Eww I forgot the one who rub between his toes and then sniff his fingers

Yes, everybody needs one of these!!!!

This is awful but someone who I'd long lusted after, first night together and discovered his penis was not only about 9 inches long but also incredibly thin. It was almost pointy and sex hurt so much that I made feined sickness and went home. I'd feel bad but he turned out to be a complete dick in other ways too. Forever lovingly remembered as pencil dick.

On a handwritten note the spelling of the word 'extremely' was incorrect. I'm not perfect and can make mistakes (especially in a rush) but something switched inside me and I realised there was no future after that.

Different guy... happened to catch his reflection in the every mirror much too often. The preening was a huge turn off.

Oh my god darkside yes! Almost exactly like that!

Argh, I have a mouthful of water and I daren't attempt to swallow it now I'm trying so hard to laugh. He must've copied her!

I recall one particularly embarrassing escapade with my then fiance, years and years ago where we had a particularly "energetic" session because we wrongly thought his Mum and Dad were down the pub.

They SO weren't

This thread is hilarious (my own recollections aren't funny though, just duds) but cheers for this .
I will be reading more on the morning train.

Oh Lawdy, pretty sure it's not good for my mental health to revisit these!!

1. Gonzo Cock - yes a bent-over cock like that blue puppet called Gonzo from the muppets. Not a pleasant sexual experience, and not pleasant garnished with red briefs, like a child wears.

1. Mr Comfort-wanking-spunk-everywhere - hung about with tops on but no pants, continually fiddling and pulling at it absent-mindedly. If I went out, guaranteed I'd find a new batch of cum-splashes somewhere in the house (often in more than one place).

1. Mr Stinky-clothes, Old-lady-induced-migraines - his clothes always had a weird, fusty smell. If we went out in public, and we passed an old lady, he'd get a migraine because of the smell of her perfume, and have to go to bed. Also, his name sounded like a nickname for semen.

1. Mr Spit-on-it-to-clean-off-the-smegma - yes, really. We were outdoors in the sunshine, about to DTD, and he paused, inspected it, then spat on his fingers and rubbed them around the head to 'clean it'. Not cool. That was it.

1. Mr Lycra fetish - well, tights to be accurate. Wanted to give me oral through tights, and that. No thanks.

1. Mr OCD Hairdresser - over-preened, must have taken longer to do his hair than mine, fake tan etc. met for a meal, had to try out 3 different tables until the seat / table heights were to his satisfaction, and when our meals arrived, proceeded to show me photos on his phone of how he thought steak and chips should have been plated up properly.

1. Mr Bumcrack-Frottage - seemed to think it was arousing to rub his erection over my bumcrack. Ummm... think you need to address the front bottom first!!

1. Puppet Mouth - lovely bloke in many ways, but he just had a mouth like one of the puppets from the Muppets - no lips, straight line kind of thing, and I just didn't find that attractive - just made me think of the one who played the saxophone from the Muppet Show :/

I can also empathise deeply with pencil penises, little willies and more than I care to remember - and I wasn't even that much of a prolific dater between long term relationships!

I felt sorry for my bil and sil. They mistakenly thought they were alone all day so enjoyed themselves enthusiastically. They still lived with parents so moments alone were rare. They come down stairs and see his parents. Nothing was said or hinted at so they presumed they'd gotten away with it. A few weeks later during a family meal fil gets his camera out and hooks it up to the tv. A video comes on of the light fitting in the hall swinging rapidly. Fil let out a panicked scream and dived for the remote to mute the tv before the sex noises started up. They had been shopping and came back to see the light fitting swinging. Mil told him to film it as it might be spooky so fil grabbed his camera. He'd filmed about 15 seconds before the noises started and the realisation that he was videoing his sons sex noises sank in. They were mortified and pretended nothing had happened. :o

Oh gawd my subconscious had totally buried these until I read this thread!

-the one who got me to shag in his mums bed because it was "cosier". He was 32.

-The one who cried after a ONS that he missed his wife.

• The one who asked me over for dinner and made me watch Emmerdale, Coronation Street and then Eastenders with his sister first whilst he had a nap upstairs- he was also early 30s

-The worst by far was the dude who after DTD for the first time, followed me into the bathroom afterwards wanting to pee in the toilet at the same time as me because he thought it'd be "erotic".

I married a woman in the end

I've now rtft and almost can't breathe for laughing. This thread is gold.

Remembered Apple Boy. Brought an apple to our first date, held it up in front of me like a Disney witch, raised me eyebrow and asked in a slow, what he thought was seductive, voice "Would you like a bite of my.......apple?"

No. No I would not.

An eyebrow not me.

Oh god I forgot the straw that broke the camel's back re- rabid Labrador kisser. One day I was in the bath and he came in and sat on the loo for (I thought) a chat.
No, not just a chat. He had a poo, a casual poo like it was a perfectly normal thing to do.
It is not

Enid you seem to attract expressive men

Very intelligent guy but his laugh sounded like a loud donkey. If he was really excited (not sexually) he would stamp his feet and slap his legs.

Guy with weirdly skinny wrists who clearly fancied his younger sister.

Google is not my friend! I've been caught before -tea bagging-
I can't unsee these things! Why would you put a cage on it???

Strike through fail!

Just remembered another one. I was young, sexually inexperienced.

Slightly older bloke revealed a microscopic penis, about the size of a very small baby acorn. I remember thinking at the time, "he could have told me what to do with it." I mean it was that tiny, (less than an inch?) it wasn't going to penetrate anything. I didn't have any of those finger cots to hand, (which would have been waaay too big anyway) so had to feign illness and go home.

Also, he was a bit of an arse.

Mummyme, I think the cage is part of sub/domme relationship.

Not something you'd want to surprise a first time sex partner with though...

This thread is bloody epic... Here go mine:

1. We had been dating for a while. he was quite good looking, but by then I had started to realise he was not very intelligent and had horrendous grammar and spelling. What killed it dead was a "poem" he had composed and written for me. It was absolutely cringeworthy, with exaggerated rhymes and full of spelling mistakes. To top it off, he had printed a photo of us in a heart shape and stuck a speech bubble over each of us with "I love her!", "I love him!" in them. I couldn't get past that. He was 24.

1. I told about this one on MNet before. He was quite a good-looking guy. My best friend, me and him went to the movies, I was sitting in the middle. Something funny happened in the movie and the three of us laughed. His laughter went on like this: "HAWHAWHAW! HAWHAWHAWHAW HEHEHE HEHEEEE HEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEE..." (the last "eeeee" diminishing in tone, like the sound of a bomb dropping) It went on forever! My best friend and I stared at each other in absolut horror with a face like this:

1. During our first (and last) kiss, he just didn't move at all. His mouth was open and his tongue was like a piece of wet wood. Bleurg.

1. He was hot and sexy, clever and his foreign accent turned me on. We had been chasing each other for a while and finally ended up at my place. He had a humongous cock! The biggest I have ever seen! Initially I thought it would be every woman's dream, but soon learned about my fanjo's physical limitations. We DTD twice, enough for me to decide I didn't want to end up with permanently sore bits. He was devastated, and confessed it wasn't the first time his size had proved to be a problem.

1. His cock smelled of dirty feet. After the third time I had to ask him to wash it before DTD, I decided I couldn't face a lifetime of cock stink.